Thursday, July 26, 2012

Going Off the Grid

I am still sick.  Whatever this thing is, it's has stuck with me like I just can't believe.  I have never been this run down for this long ever in my life.  I am making some improvements and I have made it back to work, but it's really hard.  

This picture is from August 2009, shortly after I started writing.  I took a family trip with the kids to Maine where my parents own some land on a lake.  This is my 3 boys kayaking with me.  My youngest on the left was only 7 and driving his kayak on his own like a champ.

On Saturday, me and the kids are going back.  It will be the first time we have ever gone there without my dad.  It was one of his favorite places to be.  I have always loved it too, it's just that's it's so far away that it's hard to get there all the time.   We will be there with my mother, sister and her husband and their 2 kids.  It's all my kids can think about all week.  There were very scared my illness was going to sideline the trip.  I am really thinking about it as a pilgrimage.  Sort of like a victory tour for my dad and the stuff he worked hard to leave for us. 

When we go, there is limited electricity.  There is no internet service and only occasionally will I get service on by Blackberry.  Once of the nice things about being there is that you are out of touch for a while.  I will keep my phone in my pocket like I always do, but only because it's also my camera.  I will get lot's of pictures. 

I very much need this time away.  I have any anything in over a year.  I with T would be coming with me, but with his work, it's not even realistic to ask.

I will let you know how the trip goes when I get back.

Take care everyone.  And if someone could feed my fish, I'd really appreciate it.

Sunday, July 22, 2012


Since last Tuesday I have been sick. I would usually feel OK in the morning, and then deteriorate throughout the day.  Last night was the worst.  It was so bad it drove me to the doctor.  And not just any doctor, the Urgent Care doctor.  T was giving me a hard time about me not wanting to go.  Then I had K giving me a hard time too.  So I went.  Mostly to get them to shut up.

After hanging around a long time I finally got to see the doctor.  I am not exactly sure what I was waiting for, since as far as I could tell there were no other patients in the whole place.

After running several tests he did not know what was wrong with me, but guessed it was some kind of infection.  He gave me some antibiotics and sent me on my way.

I was really feeling awful and alone.  T offered to come up and be with me.  I thought that was a very nice offer.  While I would have been delighted to see him I knew 2 things.  He has a shit load of work to do and he would get none of done at my house.  I was going to be asleep by the time he got here and I was not going go be good company at all.  Another thing... I did not want him to get what I have.  He does not have time to be sick and I would hate for him to get it.

I love that he was going to come and I love him very much.

Today I have felt crappy, but at 6:30 pm, I don't feel as bad as I did yesterday at the same time. I am taking that as a good sign.  I have to teach classes all day for the next 5 days.  Because I work for a very small company, there is no one else who can teach it for me.  Because I have vacation planned for next week, I can't reschedule the classes.

Even writing this has been exhausting.  I'm going back to bed.

Monday, July 16, 2012

You Just Never Know

As I was reading my new blogger friend Vinny's blog, it became clear that he and his partner Craig, have a Dominant/submissive kind of relationship.  There is one post that describes an intimate session where Craig is handcuffed in an uncomfortable position and Vinny is doing his thing while pulling Craig's hair.   Craig seems to enjoy being manhandles and Vinny likes to do it.

Reading a little more, it is clear these 2 guys are completely in love with each other.  Based on that description of that session, I made assumptions about their relationship and the dynamic between them.   Vinny has been kind enough to talk to me about it at length, revealing many details that are both personal and sensitive.  I will not get into the details here, but suffice it to say, that he is giving me quite an education.  Both about the hardcore DOM/sub culture in general and the very personal relationship between these 2 guys.

To further my education he told me about a website I could check out.  It's kind of like a ManHunt for fetishes.  So I went to check it out.

As part of their free tour, I was able to search within my state for people online now.  I was not able to open any profiles or read them unless I created an online account.  The header page assured me it was free and only take 60 seconds.  They were right.

So I created an account and filled in the minimum amount of information so I could get to what I wanted to see.  It made me put of a picture so I found one of T in his doctor outfit and said I want to make a house call and give someone a rectal exam...  (just kidding T  :) ) 

But seriously.  In the name of research, I poked around the profiles for Charlotte  There were not that many.  Just a couple of pages worth.  What I found scared me.  There were people into all kinds of thing and I did not think this was the kind of thing I wanted to get involved with.  (Even if I was not already in a committed relationship.)

I was just about to close it down when one of the profile pictures caught my eye.  It was familiar. I looked again.  I clicked on the profile.

It was someone I knew.  It was someone I know to be "straight" and married.  I think it is highly unlikely that his wife knows he is here looking around, but there he is.  He posted the same picture on this fetish site that he uses on his Facebook profile.  He was looking for someone to do some very painful sounding things to his ass.   I am not going to list them here.  It's not that I find it offensive, per se.  It's just I have tried to kept this blog in a condition suitable so mother can read it (and she does) so I will keep it that way for now.

Anyway, logged out of the site and closed my browser. It is unlikely I will ever go back.  

Now, I am not completely sure what to do with this bit of information I have.  I have no desire to ruin this guys family.  Maybe I should reach out to him privately and let him know he should be more careful.  Maybe I should do nothing and mind my own business.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

New Friends, Kid Time, and Love

Over the past few weeks I have made 2 new friends.  One local and one far away, both quite a bit younger than me.
I met a guy I will call "Cody" a few weeks ago.  He is 23, gay and trying to work his way through school.  In some ways he is more mature than I would have expected.  His thoughts around how to relate to others are pretty mature and compassionate.  He has had a interesting and difficult life for someone his age.  I am not going to share the detail here, but that he has gotten through to this point earns him some respect from me.
On the other hand, he has some immature tendencies too.   He is looking for work now and he landed a temp temp job that could lead to more work.  The job requires him to work in a retail store and they want him to wear a name tag that, admittedly, is not very stylish.  He plans to refuse to wear it, because it's ugly.  Not a smart idea, I suggested.  If he is looking for something more regular, he should just do it for the few hours they are paying him.  It's not like it will kill him.   He didn't want to hear about it and was going to refuse.   

The other, I will call "Vinny".  He is a blogger who stumbled across my blog and wrote to me.  I will not share his blog's name, since it's private, but it's an interesting read.  Vinny lives about a 1000 miles away from me.  He is in his 20's and lives with his partner (soon to be husband) who is also in his 20's.  Both both Vinny and his partner have interesting, yet very different pasts.  The more I read of his blog, I am struck by how drastically different they are, but how well they compliment each other.  If you believe in soul-mates, then these guys are it.

Vinny and I have been trading email for a few days now and last night I was up WAY too late, chatting with him on Yahoo messenger.  We had an interesting and wide ranging conversation.  He made me think about some stuff, that I will write about another time.  I need to think about it more before I do.


Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with my kids.  It was actually my oldest son who floated the idea of taking all the kids to the movies to see the new Ice Age movie.  We saw the 3D version and it was a lot of fun.  I didn't really like the movie, but they all did, which is all I care about anyway.

We (me and the kids) talked about our upcoming trip to my families camp in Maine.  We will be leaving 2 weeks from yesterday and will be gone for a week and a half.  I will be offline during that time.  For this trip, we will kind of split the kids.  I will drive up with them, go to camp and then meet K and AJ in Connecticut.  We will hang out there as a big family for a few days, and then I will leave for home alone and K will take the kids to AJ's family for a few days before she brings them all home.

I can't wait for this trip.  It will be the first time we have been to camp without my dad.  It was one of his most favorite places in earth and even when he was not feeling well, he always perked up when it was time to go to camp. Since we live so far away, we do not go as often as I want to and when we do, I can't stay as long as I want to.  This trip will be something like a pilgrimage. I guess you could call it a tribute to my dad.

After the movie, I headed to T's house.  His mother made this wonderful beef and noodle soup that I had been looking forward to all day.  It was just as good as I thought.  His mother was particularly friendly last night.  She is always nice and polite, but last night she went out of her way to engage me in some limited conversation.   I say limited, because her English is not very good, so we have never had a real conversation.  That's not really important, what is important, is that she made the effort.

After dinner we went up to T's room...

Closed the door...

Got on the bed...

and he pulled out...

... a huge box of paperwork he had brought home from the office.

I hung out there for several hours, where we would exchange some smooches in between charts and lab reports.  

My poor overworked baby... 

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Unsure and Second Guessing

I often make decisions with my heart rather than my head.  I do it all the time.  Sometimes it has paid off for me and other times it has not.  But I have never been really hurt by making a bad decision.

If you have followed my blog over the past few years you probably already know this is true.  My whole saga of divorcing K coming out at a gay man was lead by my heart.  If I only listened to my head, I would have probably done things quicker, but I think I might have done more damage in the long run.

Other times, I have had to be told my someone that I was doing the wrong thing.  T often fills that role for me.  He is analytic in his thinking and he is not shy about telling me when he thinks I am on the wrong track.

Today might be one of those days.  

A few weeks ago, my roommate announced he was moving out at the end of August.  I could pay my expenses without his help, but I have gotten used to the extra income.  I have not yet posted an ad on Craigslist, but I have been looking through the "housing wanted" ads.  I wrote to some and have had 2 people come and look.  

One of them is a 18 year old kid.  He has graduated high school and he has a job, but not a great one.  He was living at home, but when his parents caught him with another boy, they started giving him a really hard time and he felt the need to move out.  He is staying with friends now and looking for a place to live.  He tells me he mostly likes girls and has only fooled around around a couple of guys.

I have a large room for rent, but I also have 2 smaller rooms that I have not been renting, but I could.  He cannot pay want I want for the large room, but I think I would be willing to rent one of the smaller rooms to him for what he can afford.  He showed me his pay stubs and said he could pay the first month up front.  I will run a criminal background check.  At his age I don't expect to find much, but I will check anyway.

I feel like I am doing my part to help out a queer kid that needs it.  This kid could have been me a number of years ago, but for the Grace of God.

I told T about it.  He has a bad feeling.  He did not say specifically why, but he thinks I caution is in order.  I was so sure I was doing the right thing, but now I am not so sure.  I will have to think about it more.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Time For Us

T and I are both busy with our work.  We have not had much time to be together as much as we would like.  I know he wants to see me as much as I want to see him.  Even when we talk on the phone, one or both of is tired or has homework to do.

I wish we were living together.  We would still be busy and tired, but at least we would have our nights together.  In each other's arms.  I know he wants that too. 

Really? Another one?

I have been missing blogging.  I just have not had time.  After several months of not that much to do at work, I have been swamped for the last month and will be for the the next month at least.  I want to write more often, I just need to make more time.

The big news lately... K is knocked up!!

I am not surprised.  Ever since our daughter was born, I have known K wanted another child.  At the time I told her no.  We had 4 and that was enough for me.  

When it became clear that we were not going to stay married, she considered having one on her own.  She held off because she met AJ and less than 6 months after getting married, she was knocked up.

Both her and AJ are pretty happy about the idea.  I was there when they told the kids and they were pretty happy too.  My youngest son was disappointed that K was not having a boy. 

I am pretty indifferent really.  Her having a baby or not is not really my concern.  It does not effect me that much, though T is certain I will be changing diapers for her.  I don't think I will.

The reason I am taking time to write about this, is about freedom.  My freedom not to be hamstrung by the nutty things that K like to do, usually without thinking about it.  She is very stressed all the time and frequently stressed out with the kids.  I am not sure how she will deal with another one.  Not only that, this kid will be born in January, just when she is due to start her final semester of nursing school.  The kid will be too young for daycare so she will have skip school.  Because of the structured program she is part of, she will probably have to wait until the following January to finish school, delaying her getting a job for a year.

Why didn't she wait 6 months and plan the birth for when she will be out of school?  Because that's the way she is.  I have always been frustrated by that, but not anymore.  It's not my problem anymore and I really could not be happier about it.