Friday, September 21, 2012

Dating and Healthy Relationships

So, it has been a week and the online dating things is not going very well.  I wrote a good profile.  I lied about my weight (just kidding) and posted a picture that I have been told is "adorable".  I even paid for a membership at  I can see that people are reading my profile, or at least clicking on it. but so far the only one who has written is a 65 year old man who was wishing me luck in finding someone special.  

I have written to a crapload of people.  I even took the time to write individual messages tailored to include elements from their profile so it seemed more personal.  So far, only one person wrote me back and I can already tell that it going no where.

And this is only the first week.

(T, on the other hand, put up a profile on another site and his mailbox is packed with men who want to hang out with him...)


On another note, I have been thinking a lot about, my feelings for T and our situation.  I had a long talk with K about it.  She thinks it's a good thing that T and I have broken up.  Not that she dislikes T, but she knows I was getting frustrated, there was no improvement in sight and she wants to see me happy.  

During the course of the conversation we got to the fact that I really have no friends.  I have her and the kids and I have T.  That's pretty much it.  I have never had a lot of friends, but I have never has his few.  I am taking steps to fix that, but that's another blog post.

As a partner, T is PERFECT for me.  He really is on so many levels, except for one thing.  It's a big thing, but other than that, he's perfect.  I have no doubt that I would be happy with him forever.  

So accepting that premise and accepting that we were (and still are) deeply in love with each other, I asked the question, "If I had a more healthy circle of friends, would I have been better able to deal with the situation between T and I?"

I mean if all I have is K, the kids, and T, that is not healthy.  Normal people have lots of friends.  People they can call and chit chat about stuff.  Grab a beer of shoot pool.  Someone to call when you need to bring your car to the shop or move a couch.  I don't have that.  So what did my life look like?  

Work (mostly alone).
Hang out with the kids and K.  
Go visit with T.  
Sleep alone.

That's it.  Is it any wonder that I was lonely all the time.  Is there any wonder why the thought of him not being able to live with me for years if ever, was so upsetting.  I have no other relationships.

I tend to be introverted, but with friends I am extroverted (seems weird, but that's how I am).  I need to have people in my life.  I need to have interaction with people.  I thrive on it.  If 
I don't have it and it is stressful.

So then I come back to T.  If I had more friends, could I tolerate his situation better?  Could I better wait the time it would take for his family to come around and accept me?  And when I felt the most stress, did I change something in my life that was good, because I did not see that another part of my life was more badly broken than I thought.  Did I break up with T because I don't have many friends?

I really do love T with all my heart.  It has been 2 weeks and I am just as much in love with him as I was before.  I don't know if going back to that relationship is smart.  I don't know if he would take me back anyway.  We have broken up several times.  I am sure he would feel jerked around.  I would.

I hope I did not let go of a man who truly loves me for the wrong reason.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Fear of Rejection

I think everyone has a fear of rejection at some level.  Some have it more than others.  I have it bad.

I think it is a leftover from when I was bullied in my school days.  I'm not going into it now, but what I endured was WAY more that the average kid deals with and it it lasted much longer.  But this is not a post about bullying.

Since I am newly single and entering the dating world, I have created online profiles on 2 different sites.  One of them I have even given money too.  So far I am not getting may hits.  I have written to several people and only one has written back, and I'm pretty sure it's going nowhere.  Why not?

Well, for starters no one seems to want to date an overweight, balding, middle aged guy.  They all say they are interested in the man "inside" but that is just bullshit people say.  Saying "I'm shallow and will probably judge you solely on your looks" is not very attractive when you write it down.  So even though I am a great guy and if people,especially will talk to me they like me, they don't talk to me.  I get rejected before they ever meet me.

I know this will take some time.  I didn't really expect men were going to line up at my door.  It would sure make me feel better if a few guys were interested.


On another note, T and I are transitioning from being boyfriends to being friends.  I have not seen him since the night we broke up, but we talk most every day, at least for a little while.  We still text alot, but I have noticed not as much as before.

He has been supportive and encouraging about me putting myself out and meeting people.  I'm sure it is not easy for him.  Any easier than it is for me, anyway.  He could be very negative about it.  He could be upset at me for being displayed disloyal.  We could have a whole range of ugliness, but we don't.

I am going to see him this weekend.  It is his niece's birthday and she is throwing herself a party.  It will be mostly family, I assume, but she invited me too.  T wants me to go as well.  After the party I will go back to his house and hang out there for a while.

K thinks I am stupid for going there.  Stupider still for talking to him every day.  She thinks I need to separate myself from him for a while.  To allow time for each of us to get over the other.  I'm not sure that's necessary.  I don't love T any less than I did before, but I know we are doing the right thing.

Had I stuck out the relationship longer, maybe a year or more, the break up might have been ugly as my frustration grew.  It might have grown into resentment over time.  We stopped before it reached that point.  While I am still sad for the way it turned out, I am not angry or bitter.

For his part, I don't think T is either. He is still swamped with work, but I'm sure he is already cruising for casual sex at night.  (I'm kidding!!!). Seriously though, he has been supportive and has encouraged me when I am feeling down.  I am grateful for the support he has always given me, even when it was difficult for him.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

But Dad, I Don’t Want To Be Gay

Some of the blow back from being a gay dad is starting to have an impact.  More accurately, the blow back from being the son of a gay dad is starting to have an impact.

Two weekends ago, when T was at my house for the weekend, we wanted to take my kids out for dinner.  We usually do this when he visits and generally the kids are excited about it.  My kids really like him. We all could not fit in one car, my middle son immediately said he wanted to ride with T.  This time was no exception, well, except for my oldest.  He didn't want to go.  Both K and I agreed he should come for this family event.  At the time, I just thought he was not happy about being pulled away from his X-box.  It turned out there was something else going on.

It occurred to K that maybe he was not thrilled about going to dinner with his dad and his boyfriend.  I mean, for a kid his age, it's embarrassing enough to be seen with your family in public, but if it's clear to everyone that dad's a homo, then it's that much worse.  She told me about her concern and thought she should talk to him about.  She didn't think he would talk to me so she was going to do it herself.  I agreed.

A few days later, K and I talked about it.  Here are the bullets:

*  He is concerned that I am trying to be gay.
*  He is getting crap from some kids at school calling him gay because he does not have a girlfriend. 
*  He is worried that because I am gay, he might be gay too.

It was very stressful to hear that.  K assured me she told him that people are born gay.  God does not make mistakes and He made some people gay. She also told him that me being gay has nothing to do with him.  If he was gay, he would probably know it by now.  He said he wasn't, he likes girls.

She said when they were done talking, he seemed to feel better.  This happened two weeks ago.

Tonight he mentioned while I, and others, were there that somebody his "friends" were calling him gay.  K and I both told him it does not matter what they call him.  He knows he is not gay and nothing else really matters.  The friends giving him crap are not his friends, they are douche bags. 

Hopefully, he will not resent me for being gay.  While I know I have always been gay, from his perspective one day I changed from being a normal dad, with a normal family, to a gay dad who caused the family to break up.

Very stressful.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

I Felt Like I Was Cheating

Last night I had a date.

I met this guy,  let's call him, well... actually never mind, it does not matter what we call him.  This guy was on Craigslist and his ad said he was looking for more than hook up. He said he wanted to really get to know someone and try to make a connection.  It sounded interesting so I wrote to him.  I got a reply the next morning and a few emails later I was taking a total stranger to dinner.

I met him at his condo in the city.  He lives in a 7 story building in a nicer area with a gated parking garage.  He gave me the code to the building and I took the elevator to his apartment. I knocked on the door and was greeted by a large black man with a nice smile.  His face showed his age, (he is about my age), but he was not unattractive While he was friendly enough,  I got the impression I just woken him from a nap. He offered me a drink, which I politely declined.  I asked him to pick a place for dinner and he picked a burger bar across town.  He offered to drive and since I didn't know where to go anyway, I agreed.

He has one of those 2-seater Mercedes with roof that folds into the trunk.  I'm sure that impresses some guys.  The night air was cool and dry so driving with the top down was kind of nice.  We made some meaningless small talk as he drove.  

Once we finally got to the restaurant, I asked that we be seated outside in their patio.  Apparently, that patio (the restaurant had 3 of them) was reserved for the gay people.  At the next table there were 2 guys and it took me about 0.3 seconds to determine this was a gay couple.  I smiled and looked over at T as I sat down.  Of course, it was not T sitting across the table, it was this other guy.  My smile faded.

As we sat there, I found myself enjoying the conversation.  We got beyond small talk and it became more meaningful. Dinner was good and when the bill came, I paid and we left.  When got back to his building, he invited me inside.  I almost didn't go, but he said there was a patio on the roof with a great view of the city skyline.  So I agreed.  This time I accepted the drink he offered.  A lemon martini. It was very strong, but not too bad.  

The view from the roof was breathtaking. Well, not Grand Canyon breathtaking, but it was really nice.  We talked some more.  We talked about his family and mine.  He told me about some of his old boyfriends and I listened. I told him I had just ended a long term relationship. I declined to offer additional details.  I didn't want to get into it with him.  He didn't ask, preferring talk about himself anyway.

He finished his drink, mine was half gone and he asked if I wanted to go back inside.  I agreed and we went in.  It was past 11:00 at this point and he asked what I wanted to do next.  I knew what he meant and I had had my fill.  He was nice and all, but I was not going to get naked with him.  I know that goes against some homo code, but I didn't care.  I wanted to go home.  I wanted to get naked but not with him.

We gave each other hugs and said how much fun we had.  We agreed to do it again, without planning a date.  

With that, I left and headed for my car. For most of the way home, I could not hold back my tears.

So goes my first swim in the gay dating pool.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Yeah. I'm a Nice Guy.

If anyone is not sure if I am a nice guy or not, consider this:

I left work today to rescue my ex-wife's new husband's daughter, who ran out of gas because he forgot to fill her tank.

Maybe I should put that on my dating profile...

Sunday, September 9, 2012

All You Need Is Love?

You all know what I want more than anything.  I loved being married and I want kind of a partnership again.  I want to be with my partner all the time.  I want to come home to him every night.  I want to have to separate our socks on laundry day.  I want to make dinner for him and for him to make dinner for me.  I want to have to check with him before I accept an invitation to a party or make a large purchase. I want to get in bed at the end of the day each night and talk about our day as we drift off to sleep.  I want to make up in the night and see him laying next to me. I want to go grocery shopping with him. I want him to be so connected to me that when either of us goes somewhere alone, people ask where the other is. I want to wake up every morning next to him.  I want him to be involved with my family and I want to be involved with his.  I want him to be my husband.

I want to share all of my life with my partner.

You know I love T.  I love him with all my heart.  I am deeply IN love with him.  My love for him is unconditional and permanent.  I know his love for me is the same.  I am a lucky man to have a man love me the way he does.  I've lost some hair since I've know him.  I put on some weight (and lost some) in the time I have known him and he loves me just the same.

I don't want just any man to be my partner.  I want T and no other.  I want the man I love above all others.

You know that T and I do not live together.  T lives with his elderly parents and two younger sisters and that is not likely to change. His parents are old fashioned and while they accept him as gay, and they (sort of) accept me as his boyfriend (even thought they don't talk about it).  His sisters have their own issues and he cannot bear to see then left alone. He does not like to see my alone either, but not quite as much.

So where does that leave me? I spend a good deal of time with my kids at K's house, but when that is over I head home back to my house... Alone.  I eat a snack alone.  I fold my laundry, without having to separate  socks.  I put on MSNBC because I want to.  I don't have to admit it's okay because I am there alone. 

The is not alone. He has dinner with his family.  The talk about the day they had.  They talk about the garden or the problem with the landscaper.   They tell jokes to each other and laugh together at the funny ones.  The work together to clear the table. After dinner the spread out and each do their own thing, but they are still all together.

I know this family togetherness does not replace the his desire to be with the man he loves.  I know in his heart, T wants the same thing I want.  The problem is, if he is together with me, it would upset his whole family apple cart. He's just not willing to do that.  Being with me would simply turn his whole world upside down.  It would impact his whole family.  He is not willing to do that for me.

Maybe it is not fair for me to ask that.  It probably isn't.  Especially when you consider that in his very first email communication, the VERY first one, he told me he could not ever live with anyone.   Over the years he has been consistent and clear. Every time I whined about it, he told me that he could not promise to be with me.  He told me over and over again.  Get each time I allowed myself to believe, that my love would change him.  I dreamed that his love for me would overcome the fear he had of upsetting his family.

But lately, as I have been spending more and more time alone, I am starting to see that, he is not going to change.  He is not going to be with me.  As much as we love each other, in order for us to stay a couple, I will have to get used to being alone.  I am not sure that I can do that.  The more lonely I get, the more frustrated I feel.  I could do it for a while. I could do it if I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel. But I have no idea how long the tunnel is

T is very perceptive.  He has noticed my frustration.

On Thursday, After texting back and forth for a while, I decided that I needed to see him. I drove down to his house.  It was late, with me arriving about 10:00.  We both knew what was going to happen.  Neither of were happy about it.  He met me at the door with a huge and a kiss.  We went up to his room and and sat on his bed.  We held each other. We cried.  We sobbed.  We blew noses and wiped our eyes.

"Is this then end of us?" he asked me.

We both knew the answer.  I was offering him a life with me and he was unable to accept it. We promised each other we would remain part of each others lives.

I will never stop loving him, but I just cannot stand to be alone most of the time forever. 

So, What's next?  I really don't know.  I read how some of my fellow bloggers have trouble in the gay dating world and I am not eager to deal with that.  I am older, fatter, and balder that I think most guys would be attracted to.  Hell, I'm not attracted to guys who look like me.

I really don't know what to do next.  I am scared.  I'm still lonely.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Monday, September 3, 2012

Every Rose Has A Thorn

Last Saturday, T came to my house after work.  We planned ahead.  His office will be closed for Labor day.  He will be staying with me for the weekend.

Yes.  He will be sleeping in my bed for 2 nights!  IN A ROW!!!  I am so happy, I can hardly stand it.  He told me he will have to bring homework with him.  He has things he just has to get caught up on over the weekend.  "Of course." I told him.  As long as he is with me, I don't care if he brings a little paperwork.

He showed up after work, we went out for a nice dinner.  We have a lot of nice dinners together, but this one was different.  After this dinner we were going home together.

When we got back home (my home) we took a shower and got ready for bed.  We got into bed...together... and settled in for the night.  We watched a movie that I had on the DVR.

The next morning we stayed in bed a little longer than I usually would.   I offered to make him breakfast, but he decided to wait until lunch.  He worked on some paperwork and I introduced him to "Blazing Saddles".

I made lunch and we ate together... at my kitchen table.  Just us.  I wanted him to see what life with me might be like.  And I was getting a taste of what life with him would be like.  I allowed myself, for a moment, to believe the dream of a life where we are together.

Later that day, we took my kids to dinner and then my daughter to the movies. (The other kids were invited, but only she wanted to go.) After the movie, he headed back to my house while I brought my daughter back to K's house.  

As I drove from K's house, in the car alone, heading home, I was almost giddy.  I was not going home to an empty house.  I was going home to T.  My man was home waiting for me.

When I got there he was on the couch with papers all around.  He has a stack he needed to get through before bed.

I sat on the floor leaning against the couch while he worked.  We watch "Storage Wars".  When he was finished working for the night, he laid down on the couch and dozed while we watched TV.  His arm wrapped around as he absently rubbed my chest.

When the episode we were watching (well, I was watching because he fell asleep), I turned, kissed him gently and said, "Come to bed, honey."  That was something I had been waiting to say to him for more than 4 years

As we headed up to bed, I was thinking about how normal this was.  It was the life I had always dreamed about.  My man was here will me and we were heading to bed together for the night. We did not do that much stuff.  We did not have non-stop sex.  We did spend time together.  It was simple and wonderful.

But I knew that it was going to come to an end.  The next morning he was going to leave.  He was going to go home and I was going to be alone.  I put that out of my mind for the night and we had a great night together.  I usually wake several times during the night and it was so nice to wake up and have him in the bed next to me.

The next morning, we got up.  Despite the holiday, I had to work.  T had to go home, and then to an event that he had planned a long time ago.

The time I was not letting myself think about was here.

As he kissed me goodbye, I held back the tears.  I knew I was going to be alone most of the day, and I was going to miss him terribly.  I always feel the most lonely, just after I see him.