Saturday, October 27, 2012

The Youth Ministor

When T and I were broken up, I answered a Craigslist ad from a 23 year old guy who said he wanted something more.  He was looking for a "mature" man and did not want to head directly to the sack.  I thought it sounded interesting so I wrote to him.

He wrote back to me and we started talking.  Well, talking through text, but that's still talking, right?   I found out a lot of things about him including that he works as a Youth Minister for a church about a mile from my house.  Let's call him Paul.  He actually lives in a house that is provided by the church.  He is deeply in the closet and is not out to anyone.  Not family.  Not friends.  

Last week we met for lunch at a local bakery.  They have good sandwiches and a a tres-leches cake to die for.

He is a nice guy.  He is a little taller than me and on the heavy side.  He had a warm smile.  You know the kind that immediately make you feel comfortable?  Thats probably why he is successful working in the church.  Even if I did not know, I would have guessed he was gay.  Can't put my finger on exactly what would have tipped me off, but there was something.

At the time of this meeting, T and I had gotten back together.  I told Paul that when I first contacted him, T and I had broken up but we're now back together.  If he was interested in talking and friendship, I would be happy to do that, but it would go no further.  Paul was OK with that.

We ordered food and sat next to the window.  We had a wide ranging conversation.  We talked about my coming out journey.  We talked about his, including the difficulties of being gay and being called to the ministry at the the same time.  He was having trouble meeting people.  The guys his age all just want to jump into bed and he is hoping for something more.  He eventually wanted to get married and have a family of his own.  Then he said, "Maybe I'll just stop being gay."

I stopped chewing and looked at him.  I felt bad for him.  When I was young, all the gay guys were in the closet.  I know 5 other guys from my high school who are out now, and were all in the closet in high school.  For me it was bad, but since I did not see people coming out, I didn't really know anything else.  But for him, he sees people his age coming out all over the place, but because of his career choice, he can't.  That must make it even harder.

"You know you can't do that, right?"  I asked him.

He looked back at me.

"You can choose to be celibate if you want to, but you cannot stop being gay."

I went on to tell the story of how I tried to do exactly the same thing and how it eventually turned out.   

I think he understood my experience and deep down I think he knows that he cannot will himself straight. 

In the end, he smiled, gave me a hug and we parted ways.  We have not had the chance to meet in person, but he and I still exchange text messages frequently.  I think he is glad to have found someone he can talk to, who accepts him for who he is and does not want to get into his pants.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Star Gazing

Last night I stayed up way too late.  I wanted to see the meteor shower but it was not supposed to ready it's peak until early morning.  I knew if I went to sleep there was no way I was going to get up at 4:30 to see it.  I went outside several times in my backyard.  I had set up chairs so I could put my feet up and look directly at the Orion.  While the stars were beautiful, I didn't see any meteors.  I might have seen 2 fait ones, but it's also possible it was just my eyes playing tricks.  

It was pretty cold and probably should have been more bundled up.  I was also getting tired and I did not want to fall asleep outside in the backyard.  I was afraid I'd freeze to death.  I ended up going to bed around 4:00.

As I was staring at the stars, you can guess where my mind was.  To my love, who was warmly snug in his bed at home.  His long work week had caught up with him and he fell asleep early last night.  I kept thinking how much he would have liked being outside with me.  (On the other hand, maybe not.  He is not very tolerant of the cold.)

Over the past two weeks, I have spoken to several friends who are familiar with the situation between T and me.  They were supportive when we broke up and said it was probably for the best.  When I told them we got back together, neither of them were surprised.  Both said they knew they it was going to happen, and that they were glad to see us together.

I had no idea I was that predictable.  

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Not Alone Tonight

I took this picture of myself last night.  It was not easy to get my iPhone to stick to the ceiling and get the pose just right...  

Most of the time I sleep alone.  I don't like it, but I guess I am getting used to it.  

I am not sleeping alone tonight.  Today is Wednesday and T will be coming after work to my house.  I am going to make dinner for him, though I don't know exactly what that will be yet.  All he has asked for is that I have the bread he likes.  I can do that.

We have been watching the "Amazing Race" together.  The new season started a few week ago, and we are a week behind, but it's all safely on the DVR.  I look forward to that each time he comes.  I know it's a simple and maybe even boring thing to most people.  It means the world to me.  It's something we can share together.  I don't watch the episodes without him.  

After dinner we will curl up together in my bed, turn off the lights and watch together.  Last week we had a few snack.  He likes a little something salty and a little something sweet after dinner.  To show how much I love him, I let him eat chips in my bed.  He was very careful not to get crumbs under the covers.  :)

Last week it was not so hard for him to come, because he had not been in a while.  This week will be harder.  I think he will get more crap and I will have to support him.  Like all couples we will have challenges to deal with.  Our's are different from most couple, but I'll bet most gay couple face different challenges than straight couples.  The important thing is that we will face the challenges together.   

Friday, October 5, 2012

Clearing the Decks

There were two guys I was talking to when T and I got ourselves back together.  One was a Chinese guy  (pictured here) who was older than me but looked younger.  The other was a white guy about my age but looked older.

I actually had plans to meet the Chinese tonight.

Last night after I got the kids to bed over at K's house, I came home and sent an email to each of them.  To the white guy I told him he seemed like a nice guy, but I was getting back together with my ex-boyfriend so I would not be able to meet hm.  I hoped he had not felt misled.  He sent me back a nice reply thanking me for letting him know and wishing T and I luck on our relationship.

I had been talking to the Chinese guy via email much more so I wanted to write him a slightly different massage.  If T and I had not gotten back, I think there could have been a real possibility that he and I could have gotten along really well.  In his email he said many of the things I wanted to hear, even the things that most guys might not have liked.  Anyway, I told him the truth.  I had not expected that T and I would be able to come back together, but we did.  I hoped he did not feel misled.  I also told him that while I would not pursue a sexual or romantic relationship with him, if he still wanted to get to know me as friends, I would like that.  (I told T about this in advance.)  I figured since I had not actually met him, there was no harm. 

It took longer to hear back from him, but I he did reply.  He thought it would be best to cancel our date for tonight, and he wanted to continue talking before we met in person.  I was glad he still wanted to talk.

Last night I also told K that T and I were back together.  She gave me... the look... I told her that it was OK.  Things were not going to be the same.  There was no chance to talk to her about it last night, so invited her out for a coffee the next morning.

This morning I met her at a local Dunkin Donuts, we each got an iced coffee and sat outside.  I told her the story of my lunch with T from the day before.  I told her about the tears and the anger and the drama.  Then I told her about T's change of heart and the love and the....  Well, I didn't tell her about that, but I did tell her we spent a couple hours at my house...alone...naked....

I was surprised at how positive she was.  I thought she might be skeptical that T would be really willing to follow through given the discomfort that we could be causing his mother.  I thought she might wonder if he would lose his nerve and then we would find ourselves right back in the same place.  But she didn't.  She was happy for me.  She was happy for him too (since she knows I am quite a catch...).  

I have been getting text messages from T all day.  Many more than usual.  I know that he is swamped at work with patients back up in the waiting room for up to 3 hours to see him.  But he found the time to think about me and let me know.

As I write this I am sitting in my house alone, but I do not feel lonely.  I will not see him this weekend.  His sister is visiting from California.  She does not visit often and because of work he has not had much time to spend with her.  Also, K and AJ want to have some time too.  AJ was away for 2 weeks in China for business.  I told K that I would keep the kids so she could have some much needed time with her husband.  Aren't I swell?

So with the extra time to myself I am going to spend some time on the treadmill and dust off my Vietnamese language learning program and get started on that.  For real this time.


Someone predicted this would happen.  I didn't.  T didn't either.  But it happened.

I am not going to get into all the details now.  I may explain more about how this happened later, but for now let me say this:

T and I had been broken up for 4 weeks.  We continued to talk and text most every day.  We talked often about how much we love each other.  We talked about how happy we made each other.  And invariably, we would talk about the problem.  T's family does not accept me as his boyfriend, nor do that accept our relationship.  

Yesterday was my birthday and he invited me out to lunch to celebrate.  There was an unnatural awkwardness about our meeting.  It was if we were both trying to figure out how to act in this "new normal"    I was going to meet someone new the next day and while I know T was not happy about it, he encouraged me to go.  

"No matter how much we love each other it will always come back to this point." he told me today.  When I looked at him, he told me, "It's over."

After lunch we talked for a while in the parking lot in his car.  He was clearly upset.  He wanted to hold me one more time before I was gone.  I told him I didn't want to go and if he loved me as much as he says he does, I did not understand how he could let me go.  

That upset him worse.  "I don't want to let you go." he sobbed.  I was angry.

We talked more.

Then we went back to my house.  By the time we got there.  He had changed his mind.  He would work to be with me.  He would push harder for his family to accept us.  He would make a better effort to be with me more, even if his parents did not fully approve.

And most importantly, to me anyway, is he agreed to tell his parents he loves me.  He agreed to tell them what makes him happy.  He agreed to tell them that I make him happy and he wants to be with me.

I have no doubt he will do these things.  He promised he would and he will be true to his word.

We will have a life together.  It will not be tomorrow.  It will not be this year, but it will happen.  We may face some push back from this family, but I will be there, at his side the whole time.  We will face it together.  There is light at the end of my previously dark tunnel.

Right now I am happy beyond words.  T is too. 

The man of my dreams I going to make my dreams come true.