Last week I thought I was at the bottom. I thought it was as bad as it could get. I was wrong. I have not slept in weeks. I cannot concentrate on things. I find I am distracted often. When I am not focused on work or the immediate needs of the children, I am thinking of T. I picture him sitting around his dining room table with his family. Thy tell discuss talk about the day they have each have had. They laugh together at the funny stories. Today he and his sisters went a family friend. This friend has a young daughter (less than one year old) and they are meeting her for the first time. As I was flipping though Facebook today, there was T's smiling at the baby. I did not expect to see him. T does not use Facebook (he avoids technology stuff) but his sister does and I am friends with her. I am empty inside. I was to see T. I want him to come and hold me. I want him to tell me, this was all just a big mistake. I want him to tell me that he loves me, and he never wants to be apart from me ever again, no mater what his mother or anyone else says. I want desperately to call him tonight. I want to tell him how much I love him. Tell him how much he means to me. But I am afraid, I will say something stupid or hurtful. For all the love I feel, I also feel hurt on a level I have never felt before. And it's wake, a whole lot of anger. In some ways, I feel like a wounded animal. I guess maybe I am. I want to ask why, if he loves me as much as he says, would he put me though all this pain, just to keep his mother happy? Why would he choose to destroy me just to keep the illusion of harmony in his house? It's almost as if he never really understood the depth of my love for him and therefore did not expect the level of pain that I would endure when I was forced to walk away. My head knows these are not fair questions, but my heart hurts so much, I know that my judgement is clouded. Others I have talked to tell me this will pass. They are people who have has many short term relationships in their lives. For them a long term relationship is measured in months. That is not me. For me they are measure in years. I dedicate myself. I focus on someone. I plan a life around them. In this case foolishly, because I was warned not to, but I did anyway. As the days pass the pain in my heart gets worse not better. I had hoped that sharp stabbing pain would have turned to a dull throbbing pain, but it has not. The blade continues to twist. I feel like a pathetic loser. I should be able to walk away. I should be able to say, "Fine. If he doesn't want to be with me, I will find someone who does." But I can't. I just can't.
Yeah. I am pissed. I have been pissed for a long time now. I get that I am lucky. I get that some people never find someone that really loves them. I have. Twice. First there was K. There there was T. K is re-married has how found her happiness. I was convinced that T was the one for me. I wanted him. He wanted me, or I thought that he did. But for whatever reason (choose any of the ones I have offered) that relationship I saw in my dreams slipped though my fingers. I am pissed about it. I need to be angry at someone. For most of the past few months my anger has alternated back and forth between T and his mother. One is too controlling and the other lacks the courage to stand up for himself. T and I have talked about this many times. Many times I nagged him. I told him what I thought he should do. I begged him to put our relationship before others. I whined and cried while I tried to convince him we would be happy together. Nothing worked. I am pissed off about it. But who should I be pissed at?
Oh. Right. That guy. The guy in the mirror is the guy I should be pissed at. I allowed myself to engage in wishful thinking, well after I knew it was futile. I allowed myself to ignore T's warning repeated warnings. I allowed myself to get to this point. This is my fault. It might make me feel better to blame T and his mother, but I need to focus the anger where it belongs. T is adapting himself to the reality that we are over. I am not adapting as well. We spoke on the phone tonight. He seemed OK. I was barely holding myself together. He says he is a survivor. (I did briefly wonder why he could not be a survivor by dealing with any fallout that could come from being with me. I did not ask him about it. It really does not matter now.) But I think that I have hit the bottom. I think I am at my lowest point. I don't think the pain can get worse. I think I have a clear understanding of the situation. I know that all hope is really gone, I know why, and I know who to blame. Now I need to find a way to pull myself together and move on. Thank God I have a job keeps me busy and Children that take a lot of my time. If I had a lot of extra time on my hands I would go fucking crazy. As a side note. I deleted my Adam4Adam profile today. I was not getting any traction on it anyway. I need to take a break for a while and get my head on straight.
After my last post, I have been thinking more. T and I have gotten together once and we have talked on the phone at least twice. We had a conversation the other day about a bird that changed my whole outlook. It was a parrot, actually. T is planning on opening another clinic location and he has been scouring Craigslist for people selling artwork cheaply so he can decorate the walls. During one of these sessions he noticed someone selling a parrot, with a cage for a very cheap price. He offered to buy it for me. I thought that was sweet and I would love to have a parrot. However, parrots need attention and since I am rarely home, I declined his offer. It's the same reason I cannot have a dog. I just am not home enough to take proper care of an animal. The next day, he called me to chat. During the conversation I learned he was on his was to get the parrot. He was getting it for his mother. What? "It will make her happy." he replied. I was speechless. For her to treat him the way she does and then for him to reward her with gifts, was just stunning to me. If my mother was overbearing and controlling, I can see where I might go-with-the-flow, but I would sure as hell not be buying her random gifts. Especially a gift that would be sure to outlive her. I was angry. I had to end that conversation line and move on to something else. I was trying so hard to get him to see.... And then it hit me. Maybe his mother was not abusive at all. Maybe she was not really a manipulator at all. What if this is really where T wanted to be all along? T told me on day one, he would never be able to live with me, or anyone else. So, it's not like I was not warned. But I think I had the reason all twisted around. What if it has nothing to do with his lesbian sister who is too scared to some out? What if it has nothing to do with his mother and her controlling ways? What if it has nothing to do with the way Vietnamese people tend to gossip? What if it has nothing to do at all with keeping peace and harmony in the family? Maybe it's as simple as T is just happy there. Maybe T has lived with his family for so long he is happy there and does not want to leave. He does not really want to live with me at all. Yes, I know he loves me. I know he likes to have me come over to snuggle on the couch sometimes. He likes to have dinner out with me and sometimes we even see a movie. But he is happiest and most comfortable with his family. Maybe our life goals are not compatible, not because he is trapped in prison. But because he is happy there in his paradise. I was never the center of this world. Never even got close. Maybe I completely mis-read the situation. I assumed that, like me, he want to leave the relationship he had been forced into while he was in the closet. I assumed he would want to come out, meet a man he liked, fall in love, and someday get married. I assumed he wanted that, because that is what I wanted so, of course, everyone else wanted that too, right? I think I was sooo wrong. I am going to stop talking about T's mother. I am going to stop taking about how our relationship could come back or be more if only she would ________. I am going to to stop encouraging him to push back on her. Because the truth is, he probably likes his life right where he is. He is comfortable there, He is happy there. T is happy there, so I guess that is good enough for me. It has to be, right? I mean, what choice do I have? None.
There are are a couple of reasons I do not simply walk away from T and end the pain. Not the least of which is, I am not convinced walking away would, in fact, end the pain. T will not like much of what I am going to write today. These things are on my mind, however, and I need to get them out. Sunne has figured me out. In directing comments toward T she said, "He still wants to see you because he still loves you and still hopes." That really sums it up. I honestly don't know why I still hope. He has told me it is not going to happen. But I think that because he has expressed frustration with his situation, there the tiniest morsel of hope. I feel like there is something there that if I can just nudge the right spot, he will see that he can change is situation. If he can see that I am the one who loves him and supports him for who he is. His mother is selfish. She does not accept him. She does not want him to be happy. Well, she wants him to be happy living his life as she want him to, but not as he wants for himself., She manipulates him and his siblings with enough guilt so they stay in line. If one of them steps off the path she will complain about it to the others. The offending sibling gets the silent treatment. She tortures all of them if she does not get her way. T has it in his mind that somehow HE is responsible for the moods of this 70+ year old woman. He is not. She knows exactly what she is doing. T and his sisters are playing right into her hands. She gets what she wants and they live lonely miserable lives. As a parent myself, I can see her for what she is. I would never, NEVER do what she is doing to my children. That said, why don't I just walk away? In the past I have made the analogy that T is like a drug addict who has not yet hit rock bottom. He is in an unhealthy situation and, he has been in it for so long, it has become comfortable for him. He knows it is not right but he feels trapped. I have been giving this a lot of thought over the past couple of weeks. If he was a addict, I think I would find it a lot easier to walk away. I would leave him to his addiction knowing that he needed to hit rock bottom before he could get better and take his life back. If he were doing it to himself, I would let him work it out for himself. I was writing this, I changed my mind. He is not like an addict at all. He is a victim and that is why I am having such a hard time leaving him. Sub-consciously I think I always knew. Despite his age, and his mother age, she is abusive. I don't know if she has been abusive to him his whole life, but certainly she has in the time I have known him. I'll bet at least in the time since he came out of the closet. Like I said, T will not like this, and I expect he will write a comment in response, which he is welcome to do. But the more I think about it, the more I think I am right. I will not be talking about this again. I think it is too personal and private. I will not be talking about any more specific behaviors or situations beyond what I have already mentioned. The only reason I am taking about it is to answer the question: Why don't I just walk away? Yes I love him, but you do not walk away from some one who is being victimized. (Even if they will claim that they are not.) Especially if that someone is someone you are deeply in love with. Will be able to save him? I don't know. Probably not. At the moment, he knows he needs saving, but is resisting all my efforts. I guess when he comes around, I want to be there for him. I want him to see that I was there. I was loyal to him, like he was loyal to me though my divorce. I want him to see that I am the one who loves the man on the inside. I don't care what the people at church gossip about. I only care that my man is happy and feels the love I have for him. ALL OF HIM. Not just the parts of him that fit what I want him to be. Or the parts that make me look good to the rest of the "community". I want him to be himself. I love him the way he truly is. Which is not to be confused with the way his mother is forcing him to be with her manipulation.
My dad used to ask me, "What's the best part about hitting yourself in the head with a hammer?" "What dad?" I would ask, even though I knew the answer very well. "It feels so good when you stop." This was his sage advice for me when I was doing something that was ultimately causing me grief. Usually the root cause boiled down to some sort of procrastination on my part. It was a stupid thing for him to say, but I knew what he meant. It was true then. It is true now. If you are doing something that is causing you pain or stress and you stop doing it, the pain will probably stop. I am sure it can be applied to my current situation. My brain gets it. While T and I are perfect together, we are incompatible in our life goals. The problem is, only my brain gives a shit about life goals. My brain knows the score. My brain has known for a long time this will just not work out in the long run. Not as long as T's mother has the out-sized influence she does on his life to where she is a 3rd party in our relationship. My heart does not know about his mother. My heart only knows how happy I am when T and I are together. It only knows how it sings when I am being held in his arms. It only knows how it beats faster every time I see him smile, or when get a text message from him in the middle of the day. It just makes me happy beyond reason. All my heart can think about is the next time we will be together. Well, that is not all my heart can think about. It also thinks about the emptiness it feels when T is not around. When I go for 2 weeks without seeing him it aches for his touch. It longs for that connection that can only be filled by his physical presence. So knowing that T is not going to be changing his relationship with his mother anytime soon, and therefore knowing that our relationship is not going to work long term, am I just hitting myself in the head with a hammer every time I talk to him? Will I feel better if I stop? K thinks so. Sunne thinks so. Other readers think so. I'm just not ready. I am not ready to let go. My heart is so desperately in love with him. I simply cannot imagine not having him to talk to. To be sure, the conflict between my heart and my brain is causing me pain, but I just am powerless to do anything about it. So for the moment, my heart will continue hitting my brain with the hammer. It might feel better when I stop, but I fear the pain of the loss will be much worse than what I have now. ------------------------------------------ I think my dad's proverb would apply to T as well. I have seen T be strong, direct, and pointed in difficult situations in his business life. I have been him be this way in other areas of his personal life when he felt disrespected. But he turns into a wilting flower where his parents or other family members are concerned. This is a situation where he has 100% control. He has chosen this path and he could choose to correct it. He says he cannot change it, but that's simply not true. He has chosen to maintain the current situation. He could choose to change it. I realize it would be a difficult choice, but it would be a choice. Yes, there would be some stress, as the others involved adjusted to his new assertiveness, (rather than him just rolling over at the slightest growl), but in the long run, the pain would stop. The place where the hammer kept hitting would heal and it would feel so good. I would be there to kiss it and make it all better too. :-)
I am gay man in his 40's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman, who is still my very best friend. We have 4 children together. She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids.
Cast of Characters
Jim: That's me
K: The wonderful woman I married in 1993. We divorced in November 2011, and she is still my best friend.
T: My ex-boyfriend. We were together from 2008 to 2013. He is still an important person in my life.
AJ: K's new husband. They got married December 2011.
Most of the images used in my blog I found floating around the Internet. I believe, in good faith, that they are either public domain, or my non-commercial use falls under fair use guidelines. If, however, you are the are the copyright owner of any image and wish me to remove it, please contact me and I will do so as quickly as possible