Thursday, January 30, 2014

More Conflicting Clarity

It all seemed simple enough in the beginning.  I would come out of the closet and everything would be fine.  After all its all about being who you are, right? 

The divorce for K was painful and slow.  It was awful, but I got through it.  I knew it was the right thing to do for both of us.  I knew she deserved a man who loved the woman she is.  Of course I knew I deserved T.  The man who showed me what being IN LOVE really felt like.  Even though there was conflict, I knew what had to happen.  I knew what I had to do.  Even though I drew it out longer than it needed to be, because I was scared, I always knew K and I were not going to be able to stay married.

I had thought that T was going to be the partner I had always dreamed of.  Yes, we all know the reason why that was stupid, including the fact that he kept telling me that it was not going to happen.  But I loved him so much, I stuck with him a long time hoping he would come around.  Plus there was comfort there for me.  I knew that he loved me for me.  I knew that no matter what   Now that we have been broken up more than 5 months (yeah, it has been that long) my love for him still runs very deep.

Which brings me to my new conflict.

I have met someone via  At first I didn't think he was a real person.  I was thinking that maybe he was some kind of fake email generated by Match, so people like me would not get discouraged and ask for their money back. (as if that would do any good...).  Now I am wondering if he is too good to be true.

I have not yet met him in person, but we have spoken a few times on the phone.  We have exchanged several email and text messages.  From his messages it seems that he likes me.  I think he seems nice, but I am resistant to "like" him back.  Partly, because my feeling for T are still so strong, and so raw.

This new guy, let's call him "JC", is more than a few years younger than I am.  He has made it very clear that he wants to be in a serious partner relationship with the right man.  Oh...  That's good.  At least I know our relationship goals are compatible.  He says he has no family.  Both his parents have passed away and the only family he has mentioned is an elderly aunt who lives several states away.  While I would not wish anyone to not have a family of their own, at least I know I won't have to worry about if his mother approves of me or not.

JC has been traveling out of state this week, but I have been keeping in touch with him.  All of this seems pretty nice. So where is the Conflicting Clarity?  I don't know if JC is the right guy for me or not.  I won't know that until I meet him and get to know him more, but at least I know that his relationship goals are like mine.  It seems that his interest in me is growing.  It seems like my interest in him should be growing, but it's only making be more stressed. 

How can I think about attaching my heart to someone, when it still belongs to T?  T and I have not seen each other or weeks.  We only speak on the on the phone a couple times a week.  Even our texting is much less than it was.  

I guess I am still wishing for it to be different.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Starting The New Year

The new year is here.  It's really here, like we are 10 days into it already and I am still a little in shock that it's 2014.  

2013 was, on balance not a great year for me.  Professionally it was pretty good.  I didn't get any more money but I am a lot more secure in my position and in my company than I was.  My British overlords like me and even from 3500 miles away they are able to see the value that I am adding to the business.

Personally it has been more of a mixed bag.  I have further advanced my relationship with my children, and I am pretty happy about that.  I have not made ANY progress in making any gay friends.  And we all know about the demise of my relationship with T.  

All in all I am petty happy to see 2013 go and I am hoping for a better 2014.

One thing that is better, K is finally done with nursing school.   She is now K, RN.  This will free up will of her time which in turn will free up more of my time.  Ironically, this week I have actually spent more time with her than ever.  She has been home every night and since I have nothing else to do, I have been coming over there because this is where my kids are.

T and I are still in contact.  (Yes, I know what you are going to say...)  We talk sometimes.  Usually about the events of the day.  It's nice to talk to him, but sometimes it's still hard.  I have not completely moved on in my mind. I still wish for things.  I think he has though.  I think he accepts that things between us will never be, so he has moved on.

He is not seeing anyone, but he is encouraging me to.

This week I put a profile out on  I wrote it, but I think I make myself sound more like a puppy.  (I say a bunch of times how loyal I am.  ;-) )

People must not like.  I have been looked over by about 40 people in the last 4 days and no one has written to me or taken any sort of interent.  Is "looked over" the right word?  Maybe "picked over" is better.  Ugh ...

To be fair, I am being kind of half hearted about the whole thing.  I am only partly interested.  I even have a hard time remember to go and look at the email to see if anyone wrote or even looked at me.  I have not taken the time to write to anyone.

T thinks I need to lose weight and that will help.  He's right about that too.  I have put on more than an couple pounds since Thanksgiving and I need to get that undercntrol.  

This weekend I have the kids all weekend.  K is working over nights, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  AJ left this morning on a business trip to Mexico so he will be no help.  I will have a lot of time on my hands this weekend.    I'll have time to look over my profile, revise it, and make it better.  I may even write to a few people and see if I get any traction that way.

Or maybe I will just take a nap.