It all seemed simple enough in the beginning. I would come out of the closet and everything would be fine. After all its all about being who you are, right?
The divorce for K was painful and slow. It was awful, but I got through it. I knew it was the right thing to do for both of us. I knew she deserved a man who loved the woman she is. Of course I knew I deserved T. The man who showed me what being IN LOVE really felt like. Even though there was conflict, I knew what had to happen. I knew what I had to do. Even though I drew it out longer than it needed to be, because I was scared, I always knew K and I were not going to be able to stay married.
I had thought that T was going to be the partner I had always dreamed of. Yes, we all know the reason why that was stupid, including the fact that he kept telling me that it was not going to happen. But I loved him so much, I stuck with him a long time hoping he would come around. Plus there was comfort there for me. I knew that he loved me for me. I knew that no matter what Now that we have been broken up more than 5 months (yeah, it has been that long) my love for him still runs very deep.
Which brings me to my new conflict.
I have met someone via Match.com. At first I didn't think he was a real person. I was thinking that maybe he was some kind of fake email generated by Match, so people like me would not get discouraged and ask for their money back. (as if that would do any good...). Now I am wondering if he is too good to be true.
I have not yet met him in person, but we have spoken a few times on the phone. We have exchanged several email and text messages. From his messages it seems that he likes me. I think he seems nice, but I am resistant to "like" him back. Partly, because my feeling for T are still so strong, and so raw.
This new guy, let's call him "JC", is more than a few years younger than I am. He has made it very clear that he wants to be in a serious partner relationship with the right man. Oh... That's good. At least I know our relationship goals are compatible. He says he has no family. Both his parents have passed away and the only family he has mentioned is an elderly aunt who lives several states away. While I would not wish anyone to not have a family of their own, at least I know I won't have to worry about if his mother approves of me or not.
JC has been traveling out of state this week, but I have been keeping in touch with him. All of this seems pretty nice. So where is the Conflicting Clarity? I don't know if JC is the right guy for me or not. I won't know that until I meet him and get to know him more, but at least I know that his relationship goals are like mine. It seems that his interest in me is growing. It seems like my interest in him should be growing, but it's only making be more stressed.
How can I think about attaching my heart to someone, when it still belongs to T? T and I have not seen each other or weeks. We only speak on the on the phone a couple times a week. Even our texting is much less than it was.
I guess I am still wishing for it to be different.