Monday, March 31, 2014

Self Inflicted Wound? Maybe.

I have received numerous bits of advice telling me to abandon T over the past 9 months. I have heard it from people who have left comments here. I have heard it from K. I have heard it. I understand all the reasons why it's a good idea.

I do.

I really do.

But I am not going to do it.

If you have been following my blog from the beginning, or have looked back at all, you know about the slow motion, three year divorce I had from K. I took a long time. It was agonizing and painful. I was an emotional mess. However, in the end, it worked out for the best. It worked out better for K. It worked out better for the kids. It worked out better for me.

I have no regrets and I would not do anything differently, despite the pain.

Moreover, I know that K got lots of advice about how she should treat me. One of her best friends (someone I thought was a friend of mine too) told her to hang me out to dry. She told K to get the best redneck lawyer she could afford and string me up. K was told by another friend to kick me out of the house the minute I "decided" to be gay. I did not deserve to live in that house with her and the kids. (Of course she still thought I deserved to pay for it...)

Thank God, K did not listen to those voices whispering.... well shouting. in her ear.

I am not willing to let T go from completely from my life. I am trying to transition what we had (or what I wished for) into what reality is. T is trying to do the same thing.

Am I making this harder on myself than it needs to be? Probably, but I am thinking of the end goal. Years from now I want my partner and me to be able to go to a BBQ at T's house. Maybe he will have a new partner, maybe he won't. Maybe he will still be with his sisters, but we will be friends.

Honestly, I don't understand how anyone who has read this blog and knows how I think, would think I would kick T to the curb after all we have been through.

It's simply not going to happen.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

I Can’t Take Yes For An Answer

Well, gay dating might be starting to work out for me. I am, however, having a hard time be fully happy about it.

I have had a couple of dates with the Chef and I am really liking him. And he likes me. He is about my age and he likes the “bear” look. (I really hate that term but I fit into it nicely.) He likes me and after a couple of dates, I am liking him too.

It is WAYYY too soon to think about if he is THE guy or not, but so far I can see myself dating him. I am sure that he can see dating me. Last night I took my profile down from to see how this plays out.

I need to go see the Professor. I have not seen him in 2 weeks, but we talk on the phone every so often. Even before I went out with the Chef, I knew the Professor was not for me. I just didn’t have the heart to tell him. Now I feel like I have to. He is a nice guy and I would like to be his friend, but I think I will hurt his feelings. I know most guys would just blow him off, but I would rather not.

I have been talking to T about all this. By talking, I mean we have been texting back and forth a lot, talking only occasionally. I know that he is not thrilled about the idea of be dating someone else, but we both knew that it was only a matter of time. I am trying to figure out how to transition from being his boyfriend to being his friend. Yes, I know many of you think I should cut all ties with T, but I’m not going to.

On the one hand, I am happy about the possibilities that the Chef represents. On the other, I am still mourning the loss of what I had and hoped for with T. I know some will think that sounds stupid, but that’s how I feel.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

T, The Professor , and The Chef

The past 2 weeks have been busy.

I met T for dinner. It was the first time I had seen him in a while. It was good to see him. I did start to have some of the old feelings rush back, but he quickly squashed them. Not in a mean way, but firm and to the point. There was no longer any chance of use being together, so I should just move on. (No, he did not say it that way, but meaning was the same.) In a way this was kind of what I needed to hear from him. I didn't like to hear it, but this was one of the first times that he told me so directly it was over from his point of view. Kind of like a mother bird pushing a baby out of the nest.

I met up with the Professor. We had dinner and went back to his place. It was nice and I like him. However, this third date made it clear to me, that I was not really interested in him the way he is interested in me. I have not told him I feel that way, but I have been opening up some distance between us. Eventually I will have to talk to him because I don't want to just blow him off.

Last week I met another guy. He wrote to me on (I still have yet to write to anyone first.) I answered him and then I met him for coffee after work. He is the executive chef at a place that makes all their food from scratch. He is attractive. About my age. He is divorced and has a daughter. We was married a long time so he knows what a long term partner relationship is all about. He is also looking for the right guy for a long term relationship and one day he wants to get married. So at least I know his relationship goals are the same as mine. He is also something on an extrovert so it's possible he will compliment my introverted nature.

I met him again for lunch on Friday and I like him just bit more. Maybe he will be the one? Like the Professor, he seems to be interested in me. He (the Chef) has certainly peeked my interest.

Oh there is one thing...

Like T, he lives with his elderly mother...

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Feelings. Real or Imagined

I enjoy getting comments on my blog. Even when I disagree with them, I appreciate that were offered in the spirit of helping me deal with a certain problem. Generally I have made it a policy not to comment on comments. I don't want this place where I come to work out things to turn into a debate forum. That said, a comment on my last posting is making me think a little.

When I chose to marry K and start a life with her, it was the early 1990's. While does not seem like too long ago, If you consider where we are as a society in respect to gay people, 1990 is light years away.

In 1993 when K and I married, it was not that I was a gay man pretending to be straight. At that time, I had convinced myself that being gay was simply a matter of sexual behavior. If I was having sex with women I was straight and if I was having it with a man I was gay. I believed (as did most people at the time) that if I only refrained from gay behavior I would be staight.

In 1993, loved K very much. She was great to be around. She made me happy and I made her happy. From my perspective that was the recipe for a happy marriage. I told her about my past encounters with guys and she was OK with it.

I never told K anything about my feelings that I did not believe in my heart was true at the time I said it. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I can see that some of those things were feeling I convinced myself I had rather than genuine feelings. (When you spend your life trying to make your feeling comport with what everyone is telling you should feel, it is sometimes hard to tell the difference.

So I while I regret the pain that K had to deal with in our divorce, I do not feel any guilt or shame that I misled her into a marriage simply to hide my sexual orientation.

Fast forward to today.

I have had 2 dates with the Professor. On the second date it was clear that he wanted to get more physical with me than I was ready for. He clearly likes me. I think he is a nice guy. I can see myself being friends with him, but I am not sure about dating him (or more). Maybe those feelings would grow over time.

However, I am I starting a possible relationship with a lie. Unlike when I was getting started with K, I have already told the Professor things that I know are not quite true. He asked about the break up with T and I told him it was about 6 months ago. (TRUE) I told him that what I wanted out of a relationship and what T wanted was largely incompatible. (TRUE) I told him that I was over T and did have the "in love" feelings anymore. (NOT TRUE) I told him that while I still cared about T, I was ready to move on. (HALF-TRUE)

So what the hell am I doing? Maybe I am hoping as I get to know the Professor, my feelings for him will grow and my feelings for T will shrink. (I'm pretty sure T thinks that will happen.) Maybe it will not be important in the long run, that I am still in love with T now.

There is also the thing that I am not expecting the Professor or anyone else will work out. Since I have only seen him twice, I don't need to tell him everything. I mean, who spills all their intimate feelings on the first or second date. I don't think I am obligated to tell him my life story the first week I meet him, I am ?

I guess it will depend on where it leads. I am going to wait and see.