Saturday, October 4, 2014

Birthday Depression

Hi. I don’t know if you remember me, I have not really been around much. Part of the reason I have not been writing much, is that I used to write on my computer at home. When I am at K’s house with the kids or someplace else, I usually have my phone or my tablet, but I rarely have the computer. Touch screens are not great for writing, so I have not written much. When the blog started I used to write almost every day. After any while, it seems like a lot has happened and I would need to write a lot to get everyone caught up.

I think it might be time to revive the blog and see what happens.

And yes, today is my birthday.

To get you caught up:

I gave the Chef another chance. There was a part of him I really liked and he was interested in me (which in itself is attractive) so I tried to see if we could make a go of it. It was going pretty good most of the time.

I took a trip with the kids in August to back to where I grew up. We spend a five days in the woods and off the grid. We had campfire, a lake, kayaks and fishing. We all loved it and had a great time. The we spent some time with K’s family. That was OK too. Kids had some cousin time and I chilled out. My in-laws are nice to me even though I am no longer married to their daughter.

Ten days after returning from vacation, I had to take an 11 day trip to England for work. It was short notice and a lot trip. Some friend took we into the London to see the tourist sights in the day time. By night we went to the gay bars in Soho. That was a lot of fun, though I would not want to do that all the time. That evening is worthy of a separate blog entry of it’s own.

While I was in England the Chef felt neglected. He felt like I was being selfish for not staying in touch with him enough. He said a lot of other nasty stuff and at that point I was done with him. We fought and broke up forever over text message while I was 3,500 miles away. I really felt he burned the bridge so badly, I was not even interested in being his friend anymore.

I met a guy 2 weeks ago on We actually had 3 dates, but I think that is as far as we will go. He was nice and really easy to talk to. After the 3rd date, this past Monday, He has kind of gone silent. I reached out a with some test messages, and got one or two word replies. Yeah, I can take a hint.

All the time I have been keeping up with T. While I still love him the same, I no longer have the longing for him that I had for so long. I would still love to be with him again, but I have accepted that it is not to be.

Which brings me to today. I turn 46 today and I am not really in the mood to be celebrating. In fact the whole thing is pretty depressing. Yes, I have and good job and great kids and I'm grateful for that. I really am. But at the same time I hate being alone. I hate there is no one who cares for me and no one I can care for.

Its wearing on me and I don't like it.