Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Theme Park in the Rain

Last year I took the kids to a local theme park for the day.  It was October so were not a lot of people there and the lines were all really short.  We had a GREAT time together!!  Even my 10 year old daughter went on the tallest roller-coaster in the place.  (And this place has a lot of coasters)

Since we had so much fun, it was not surprising that when spring came around they all asked to go again.  Now that all the kids are big enough to ride everything, it made sense to look at season passes.  A season pass cost about the same a 2 single day tickets, so I figured it would be worth it.  If I only go twice, I will break even on the cost of the passes.

This past Saturday I woke to a rainy day.  My son had baseball practice, which got canceled.  My daughter had football practice, which was also canceled.  Suddenly, we did not have that much to do for the day.  It was not raining that hard, more of a heavy mist.

Then I saw on Facebook one of the guys on my kickball team (Danny) was at the theme park with his boyfriend (David) and David's kids.  I have known David for a about a year and I texted him.    

Me:  Hi David.  I see you are at the Park.  How is it?

David:  It's awesome!!  There are no lines for anything.  You might want an umbrella though.

So without any advanced planing, I packed up the kids that wanted to go and we headed down the road.  Since we have the passes, I figured the worst thing that happens is it is raining too hard and we go home.  I would only be out the cost of gas.  

It turned out to be an awesome day.  It was not raining that hard, but the weather was dreary enough to keep most people at home.  There were no lines for anything!!!

About half way through the day I spotted David, Danny and the kids walking past where I was sitting.  We chatted with them for a while and then we basically merged our groups together.   We all hung out together for about an hour or so.  The whole time I was watching Danny and David.  They have only been together about 6 months, but it was clear there were in love with each other.  It was awesome seeing two guys in love with each other doing "normal" family things with each other and the kids.  It is EXACTLY what I wanted for me and T.  

When we were still boyfriends we would occasionally go out with my kids.  Usually to dinner and then a movie.  Or a movie and ice cream.  I always treasured those times, because I had my boyfriend and my kids together at the same time.  Everyone was happy and getting along well.  It was just what I wanted for myself after K and I broke up.

Watching David and Danny just being together, made me feel a little sad, but also hopeful at the same time.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Vacation and the Persistence of the Trurh

Something extraordinary happened this week.  Well, two things actually.

1. T is taking a few days off from work to go one a long weekend get away.

2. T invited me to come along.  


T usually works on weekends.  Well, he usually works all the time.   He is going to close is office for several days over the Memorial Day weekend and take a trip with his family.    One of his sisters is taking her boyfriend along.  T invited me.  How cool it that?

I think it is very cool.  In the more than seven years I have known him, I have not had 3 days with him.  Three full days, and nights.   Yes, his family will be there and it's not exactly going to be a romantic getaway, but I don't really care.  Just to be with him will be great.

As much a I want to it be so, I know I am not going as his boyfriend.  In fact, several days after I got the invite, T reminded me that I need to find a boyfriend.   My feelings for him make that difficult.  I am still in love with him and that will never change.  (More on that later)

I told K that I was going on this trip.  She was immediately irritated about it.  Partly because she goes to an event every Memorial Day weekend and she just assumed I would be around to watch the kids.  Me being gone will kind of mess that up for her.  The other part is, she thinks I should not be talking to T at all.  She thinks maintaining my close relationship with him is preventing me from moving on.  

She is right.  I know that.  Blog readers have told me that.  T has told me that I need to find someone else.  But at the end of the day, the truth is I am still in love with him.

I know that he is unable (or unwilling) to have the relationship with me (or anyone) that I want and need, but I am still in love with him.   I know that he works all the time and even thought he wants to, he will not be able to make that better any time soon, but I am still in love with him. 

Yes, I have met other people, like the Chef.  Things did not work out with the Chef mostly because we were not really a match.   Now, I think the issues we had could have been worked out if I really put effort into it.  But the reality is, I did not want to.   My heart was elsewhere.

This is the persistent truth about my reality.

I can't have T, but I can't let him go.   He is important to me and I know I am important to him.  He is one of my oldest friends.  He IS my most persistent friend.   Despite all the demands on his time, he is always someone I can talk to about anything that is on my mind.  I value him and his friendship greatly.  I love him and I never want to have him out of my life.  


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

A Very Gay Day

Sunday was one of the gayest days I have ever had.

I got up and met the Chef for coffee.  I had not heard from him in weeks and he texted me on Saturday.  He said he needed someone to talk to and asked if I could meet him for coffee.  Our last conversation did not leave us on the best of terms, so I asked what he wanted to talk about.    "I am having some family drama." was his reply.

I agreed to meet him at a Starbucks about half way between his house and mine.  After some small talk, he started to tell me about his drama.  Apparently his adult daughter's mother (his first ex-wife) has a new boyfriend and that is causing friction between them.  He explained the whole story and I listened patiently, sometimes asking questions.  When he was done, he asked me for my advice.  What did I think he should do?

Well I told him what I thought I would do in that situation.  We talked for a while longer, and then we said our good byes.

After that I was off to my gay kickball league.  We has a game scheduled at 1:15.  The other team was bunch of guys who always wear wigs during the game.  Some of the wigs are costume type wigs.  Bright colors and some that obviously looked like yarn rather than hair. Others looked natural and until they took them off after the game, I might not have known they were wigs.  

My team is not as crazy and we don't do crazy costumes.  But my team is REALLY gay.  Everyone is gay and everyone is very open about it.  Even though I am more reserved myself, I feel very comfortable with the group.  

In the end, we lost to the guys wearing wigs.

After that, I was off to T's sister's house.  Last Friday was T's birthday and his sister had moved into her own house.  So it was kind of like a double party.  T and his whole family were there.  The food was excellent (as it always is) and I got to see some of his family that I do not see as much as I used to.  Best of all I got to see T.  We did not have a chance to spend a lot of time together, because he was busy entertaining his other guests.  I understand that, I was just happy to see him. 

So it was a big gay day.  It was a lot of fun and I got to see my love, even if it was just watching him be a good host.  

I need to meet up with him this week and take him out to a nice dinner for his birthday.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Listening to the Rain

As I was getting into bed last night, I could hear it had started raining.  It was raining hard.  I could hear the sound of the rain pounding on the roof of my house.  It must have been windy too as I could hear the rain drops hitting the windows next to the bed.

There is something about the rain that makes me feel romantic.  I think maybe it is something deep within us left over from our caveman days.  When you are outside in the rain, you will almost always be cold to one level or another.  I think our instincts tell us to huddle (or cuddle) together for warmth.  It is a survival instinct.  If you can find someone to share body heat with you and survive the night.  If you are really lucky you might even get a chance to get started on the next generation. (Unless, of course, you are gay.  Then it's just for the fun of it.)

Last night as I was listening to the rain, I was wishing I was not there by myself.  I need to get back online and start looking again.  There has to be someone out there who wants to be with me at night.    I have been offline for most of the past year.  I had been hoping that I could make things work with the Chef.  We have been off and on for a year and I kept hoping we could find a way to work it out.  But it's not going to happen.  Our last conversations was pretty angry and I do not think I will ever hear from him again.  It's just a well really.  He was not good for me and I knew it all along.  Since I am prone to wishful thinking, I was hoping something would change in him or me to make it better.  It didn't.  Aside from the way he acted toward me, I was not in love with him.  He was nice to be around and I like talking to him, but I never had that "spark" feeling like I get when I am with T.   Again, I was hoping it might develop over time.

It didn't

Anyway, part of me is getting used to being alone much of the time.  Part of me is hating being alone so much.  I am taking more time away from K's house and simply going home.  I didn't used to do that.  I used to stay over there, unless I had something else to do.  If I had no plans, I would hang out over there, simply because I had nothing better to do.

Now it's a little different.  I think it's important to establish with K and the kids that I have my own house and I go home when I am done doing what I need to do with the kids.  If K is not working, I sometimes do not go over at all.  I will go home directly after work and stay there for the evening.    Sometimes I will go and hang out until they all sit down for dinner.  Sometimes I stay and eat, but most of the time, that's when I go home and eat on my own.  

When K is working I go until my daughter goes to be or about 9:00pm, which ever comes first.  I am there to make sure they get their homework done and they are getting ready for school the next morning.  I don't really want AJ doing that kind of thing unless it's absolutely necessary.  

So when I go home, I sometimes sit around and watch TV.  Sometimes I get on the treadmill while watching TV.   I am usually just there alone.   The past couple of nights my youngest son has been coming to my house for the night.  I like that, but I don't push them one way or another.

Part of me is getting used to being home alone and even liking it.

Part of me hates it as much as it always has.

Either way, I really wish there was someone there to snuggle with when it rains.

Time to get back on the horse and find my Prince Charming.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

True Love Never Dies

When you love someone, I mean really love them deep in your heart, that kind of love does not go away.  It does not fade over time and distance.  It endures.

I have that kind of love for T.  No, nothing has changed about our situation.  We are still "separated" and that probably will not change in the near term. (I am still hopeful in the long term.)  We still communicate in one form or another every day.  Texting many times a day.  Calling a few times a week.  Seeing each other in person, one every month or two.  I would like it to be more, but we both have busy schedules.

We got together last night.  I think this was the first time I saw him in more than 2 months.  I might have been the longest stretch I have gone without seeing him since I met him just over seven years ago.   We spent most of the evening together and I can tell you for sure, we still have the spark.  There is still magic between us that I don't think can be duplicated with anyone else.  

All day at work I was so happy to be going to see him that I could not keep the smile off my face.  Monday, I had ordered a gift to be delivered to him at work yesterday afternoon.  I got word it was delivered just a few hours before I was to see him.  It took him a short while, but he figured out the anonymous gift was from me.  I am pretty sure he liked it.  

When we got together, my heart was so happy.  He looked just as amazing as ever.  Despite his complaining that he had gained 5 pounds, he looked stunning to me. 

I am not going to get into the details of out evening, but suffice it to say it was wonderful.  We had wide ranging conversations and other activities that we both enjoyed.  When it was over, I drove him home, had a nice kiss good night and I left with happiness I had not felt in a long time.  

Here I am, the day after and I am still happy.  There was a time when I would have become sad or disapointed, because after a nice evening, I was distracted by the dreams I had that may not come true.  I do not have that today.  Today I am basking in the love that I know we still share for each other, regardless of our other circumstances.