Conflicting Clarity

Busy Week

2012-02-17T18:23:00.000-05:00

This is the office building in Cambridge where my company has an office. I found out the business office is in London, but the engineering office is here. I like this office better. People are packed in like sardines, but everyone is working hard for a big roll-out they company has coming up.

I am enjoying my time in England. Everyone here is super nice to me. I have been introduced to some of the most wonderful food like "bangers and mash"

I have been taking pictures of all lot of the food I have eaten on this trip. It's not very pretty, but it was incredible!!!

Today my American co-workers flew home, so I am here alone. I usually don't mind traveling for business alone, but usually it's just for a 3 or 4 days. Not 2 weeks. I miss my kids. I miss K.

Most of all, I miss T. I miss him a lot. He is doing his best to keep in touch. Between the long hours he works and the 5 hour time difference, it is not easy. I bought an international texting plan before I left. It was expensive and I almost didn't get it. I'm glad I did. Being able to text with him is all that is keeping getting depressed with loneliness.

I have not had much time to be depressed though. I have been working hard during the day and into the evening. Then dinner with my American co-workers (who are now gone) and then it's into bed. Then up early the next morning to do it all over again.

There are a lot of Asian people here. Most of them are younger. Probably students at the colleges that make up Cambridge University. Most of them are people I pass on the side walk and they hurry past me on their way to where-ever they are headed. In there cases where I see they are talking, I strain to hear. What is cooler than an Asian guy speaking with a British accent? No luck though. All the people I have heard talking are speaking a language other than English.

Tomorrow, I am going to get up early and hop a train to London. I'm going to head the London Eye.

I'ts just across the river from Big Ben and other touristy things in London. I really don't have a plan and I'm just going to see where my feet take me. I am just hoping that the rain will hold off.

I am hoping it will be fun. I am going to do my best, but I know I will not be able to stop thinking how much I wish T was here with me to share it.

Tourguide?

2012-02-15T10:25:00.004-05:00

By the way, I was wondering if I have any blogger friends in the UK (near Cambridge) who might want to help me out.

I am looking for things to do this weekend. I will be here all by myself and I am looking for something fun to do. I'm also thinking about taking the train to London. I would be interested knowing not only about the gay hot spots in London or Cambridge, but other "must see" places.

If there is any advice you can offer, that would be great.

Even better, I would love to meet up with someone in person. Even if it's just for lunch or a drink. I'll buy!!

Let me know.

arvis3@yahoo.com

Happy Valentine's Day!!

2012-02-14T18:24:00.001-05:00

My first full day working in the UK was pretty good. Everyone was really nice and I was pretty productive.

Today is Valentine's Day, and the guys in the office were all talking about the evenings they had planned with their wives or girlfriends. There was one guy I thought mentioned his partner, but my gaydar was not pinging on this guy. Maybe I mis-heard or perhaps my gaydar does not work on the Brits.

Anyway, I was thinking about T. While I am over her incoming text messages are free. I have to pay for outgoing messages. So to make sure I was not lonely, I got a steady stream of messages from my honey. I'm sure he was busy at work today, but he make some time for me today.

Travel Journal

2012-02-13T19:57:00.000-05:00

As I was traveling this morning I had my Blackberry Playbook with me, as I usually do. It was the perfect thing to jot down some notes en route.

------------------------------------

I'm writing this just after 6:30 am andat about 20,000 feet. I'm guessing I amflying over Virginia and out my window I am watching the most beautifulsunrise. There is a deep red strip rightabove the horizon. The sky above is a light blue which darkensas you look up into the still dark sky. When the sun broke the horizon, I snapped this picture.

I love seeing the sun rise. I actually think sunrises are more beautifulthan sunsets. Maybe because it's thestart of a new day rather than the end. My long trip has barely begun and already I find myself wishing T was herewith me to share the sunrise.

-------------------------

9:35 (EST) and according to theinflight map,I am flying 27,287 feet over Connecticut at 547 miles perhour.

About an hour ago I met my boss. He just got off a red-eye from SanFrancisco. He was in a much better moodthan I would have been. We chatted for afew minutes and then they called our flight for boarding. Boss and I are not sitting together, which ishow both he and I like it.

On the plane, not only is there no onesitting next to me, there is no one in my row. Even though I am in the shitty coach seats, I still have room to spread outsome. That and my full compliment ofelectronic devices will keep me happy for the flight.

I like flying. There is something magical about how amachine so large can be held up by just air. But that's not the coolest part. I love looking out the window. I always get a window seat. Looking at the tops of clouds makes me happy. As I look out the window now (passing overMaine and Canada), like this morning I am wishing T was here to share it withme.

-------------------------------

With a lot of time on the plane tothink, I have noticed that since coming out my gaydar is improving. I saw lots of people in the airport today thatI was pretty sure were gay. Some of themwere attractive. Some were not. I saw lots of Asian men, but none of themtripped the gaydar. Maybe I am not sotuned in after all.

-------------------------

It's 2:17 at home, but it's much laterhere in the middle of the North Atlantic. According to the map, I am directly southof Iceland. I'm not sure what time zonethey are in, but it's night time here. Ithink it is pretty cool that I have seen both the sunrise and the sunset fromthe air today. Again, my thoughts thenturn to T. If he were here holding myhand as we took this adventure together, how wonderful would that be? All that remain of the sun is a thin redstrip, just above the horizon. In frontthe. darkness of night. I really don'tlike flying at night. Not because Iworry the pilots can't see, it's that I can't see.

---------------

Now I am in my hotel room in Cambridge and I'm trying to get ready for bed. My body thinks it's about 8:00pm. The clock on the wall here says it's almost 1:00am and I have to be up early.

Also I wanted to talk to T before I go to bed. I tried to cell him on Skype, but I think because a strange number came up, he didn't answer the phone. :-(

Good night my love. I will talk to you tomorrow.

Ready For Departure?

2012-02-12T22:24:00.000-05:00

I am not quite packed, but I have everything I need laid out on my bed. I just need to roll up my shirts and stuff them in my suitcase. Actually it's T's suitcase. He's letting me borrow it for my trip.

I was a K's for a good chunk of the weekend. She was not there, I was there to spend time with the kids. Yesterday, I took the two younger kids to the movies. We saw "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" in 3D. The kids really liked it. I thought it was OK. The 3D was not great. (I actually think I am over the whole 3D fad) But it did not matter what I think. It was just important to have that time with the kids before I left. I have never been away from my kids for 2 weeks. I am a more than a little stressed about it.

Yesterday, I also went to see T. We spent a long time together. You can ready about some of it here at T's blog. We drove around a long time last night looking for a place to have dinner. I was driving to a place that I thought T liked, but as we got closer, he told me that the place had changed owners and was not good anymore. CRAP!! Then we drove to a PF Chang's, but the wait there was over an hour and a half. Too long for both of us, not to mention, they were all waiting shoulder to shoulder. We headed to another place.

All together we spent over an hour in the car, much longer than necessary. On the flips side, it was really nice to have that time alone with him. When we are in the car I am free to hold his hand (and other parts) if I want to. We can talk freely without worrying who is around to over hear. It was just nice. (also it was FREEZING out and my car's heater works really good.

After dinner we went back to his house, headed up to his room, laid on the bed, and watched TV.

I cuddled up next to him, laying my head on his chest much of the time. I was happy to be with him. I was calm and peaceful like I always am when we are together. But last night there was a touch of sadness. I am not going to see him again for 2 weeks. In the first year we were dating, I might go a few weeks without seeing him. But now, that is simply too long. I will miss him a lot.

I am going to put a few dollars on my Skype account and I will be able to call him from my hotel room after working all day just before I go to bed.

It's going to be a long 2 weeks.

Back to Work. It's Like I Never Left.

2012-02-08T15:52:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I started my new job with my new company. It started with an all day meeting with their biggest client, who is my former company. Sitting in an all day meeting was just like I remember it. The only good things about it was, we all got a free lunch and I got paid for the day. (That's really good.) Just counting my salary for yesterday and today, is more that I made in a weeks worth of unemployment. (I still don't know why Republicans think that unemployment comp is a disincentive to get a job.)

Anyway I am not producing anything at work yet, just learning stuff. And there is a lot to learn. This company is a small start up (fewer than 100 employees) and there is so much of the information that I need to learn is tied up in the heads of just a few people. If any one of those people got hit by a bus, the company would be totally screwed.

Anyway, I am grateful to have a good job with a company that has a good product and a good way to sell it.

In a note of irony, I had lunch today with some friends from my old company. They told me that there is another round of downsizing that is going to happen. Today they sent a company wide e-mail asking for volunteers who would be willing to leave. YIKES!! I'm glad I landed a job before I have to complete with all the people they are going to let go.

Tonight I am going to see my beloved. I have not had much of a chance to be with him lately. I saw him on Sunday, but I was not able to stay long. Tonight I will get there earlier and plan to stay later than usual. Tomorrow I don't have to go anywhere and can just work from my home office.

Did I Just Step Back Into The Closet?

2012-02-04T10:27:00.000-05:00

When I was working at my old job, I was partly in the closet. I was out to my boss (who was also gay) and one other co-worker (a lesbian). I was not out to anyone else. Not because I was afraid for my job, the company has a fairly strong anti-discrimination policy, it's just that a lot of my co-workers had known me for a long time and I didn't want to seem like the guy on Jerry Springer's Show, who comes out of the closet and leaves his family.

Once I got laid off, I made it a point to check out the companies I applied to. Did they have written protections for gay people? In my state, it is OKEY DOKEY to fire someone for being gay. In fact, I could be fired and the company could put in writing that the only reason they are letting me go is because I am gay. Knowing that, it was important to find a company with internal protections.

Knowing this, I had made the decision in my head that I would be open and honest about who I am and my personal relationship. Not that I talk about my personal life that much at work anyway, but as you talk to people things like this eventually come up. It just seems like the right thing to do, is to be honest from the beginning.

Yesterday, I had lunch with my new boss and another guy they hired in my area. This company now has 5 employees in North America. Two in my state and the other 3 in California (my boss is based there). It was a getting-to-know-you lunch. It was very casual. We got our official written job offers and then standard confidentiality agreements to sign. We talked about what my role would be and my upcoming trip to England.

As we sat there, Boss fired up his laptop and started booking airplane tickets for us. After selecting the flights you have to supply the airline with personal information. Gender is one of the things they ask, in addition to birth date and some other stuff. So as Boss is entering information he is talking out loud. When he gets to gender, he looks up at the other guy and says, "You're male, right?"

Then he goes on to tell the story of a person working in the UK office who he described as "indeterminate sex" He did not say it in a way that suggested he was sympathetic to the plight of transsexual people. I said nothing.

Later on, we were talking about Boss's home town which is just outside San Francisco. The other guy (who is from the deep south) mentioned how he thought it was beautiful there when he visited several years ago. During that visit two guys had tried to pick him up. He sounded like he did not like the fags hitting on him. At this point I told him maybe he should be flattered. He didn't answer, but I don't think he was flattered.

By now, I decided this was not the time to be talking about my personal relationships. When the meeting was over, I walked away happy I had landed a good job, but not as happy I may have to go back into the closet during working hours.

Look Kids! Big Ben. Parliament.

2012-02-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

Even as I have started school my job hunt continued. I got contacted several weeks ago by a head hunter with an interesting opportunity. I gave him my information and he checked a my references. Last week he called me and said that his client wanted to talk to me. The company was based in the UK and they were going to have a person in my area this week.

I talked to him this Tuesday.

Yesterday, I talked to the VP of North American Operations who is based in California.

This morning I talked to their Director of Customer Service who is in London.

This afternoon the head hunter called me back to let me know they wanted to offer me a job. That was fast!!

It's a good job, with a good salary in a field that sounds very interesting. I accepted the offer and they are already asking how soon I can come to the UK for 2 weeks to get up to speed on their operations. Holy CRAP that's fast.

After being out of work for 4 1/2 months, I don't think it has sunk in yet that I have to start getting up for work soon. I am very excited. Thrilled.

So what about school? I think I will have to drop my classes for this semester. I think I can still do it and get a "W" for the class rather then an "F". Then starting this summer, I will start again, probably with one class. Then another. This will be slower, but I think it's a good idea.

No Asians!

2012-01-28T21:02:00.000-05:00

I got my copy of "OUT" magazine today and on page 37 was a story about people who put "No Asians" in their Grindr profiles.

I thought it was interesting in light of my post from earlier in the week.

Here is a link.

Waiting on my Love

2012-01-28T18:57:00.000-05:00

K is leaving on her cruise early tomorrow morning and I will be spending most all of next week at her house with the kids. Since it will be hard for me to get away next week, I made arrangements to see T tonight. He is coming to my house. He is coming a little later than I would have liked, but there is something different about today.

He's going to spend the night!!

I am so excited I can't even think straight. (or gay, LOL!!)

More Bits of Transition

2012-01-27T12:44:00.000-05:00

I write less and less about the transition from married life to semi-single life, but today, I was reminded about one more thing.

Ever since it first aired 10 years ago, K and I have been faithful watchers of the Amazing Race. It was one of the very few reality shows we watched together. I like it because it is (usually) regular people doing extraordinarily things, but not ridiculous things. It is more like a real competition where the teams work together and there is very little scheming or other slimy dealing for advantage. The few times when there is, invariably "Race karma" spanks the slimy team.

Anyway, K and I have always watched it together. When our schedules did not match up, I would DVR it, sometimes several weeks worth and then we would find the time to sit down and watch.

This past season, the one that started in September, it was different. The biggest change was that her and I no longer live in the same house. But we each DVRed the race. We watched the first 2 episodes together, but that was it. The season ended and neither of us have watched it. We have not been able to find the time together, and now it's like 8 or 9 hours of show to watch.

But I waited. I thought it was something I should continue to do with my best friend. Maintain a long standing tradition.

This week CBS announced the racers for the next season starting in mid-February. So, today I fired up the DVR and I started watching the episodes I have saved. I watch alone. It was a little sad, as it is another part of my old life that is going away.

Another reminder things are changing.

I wonder if T will watch the next season with me?

College Boy Looking to Play - 22 - City Near You

2012-01-24T14:35:00.001-05:00

Does anyone want to play with me? I can host or travel. U be clean, in shape and DDF. Age and race are not that important. Send stats and pic in first e-mail for a response.

A week or so ago, my blogger friend in the MidWest had written a few blog entries (that I think he has since removed) about a perceived bias against gay Asian men. He said there are people out there who have "no Asians" in their profiles. T told me he has seen the same thing. I have not seen it and as a gay man attracted to Asian men I can't imagine why anyone would want to rule out a whole group of people.

So between studying sessions, I set up an experiment. On two separate days, at about 1:00 in the afternoon, I posted identical ads on Craigslist. The only difference was the picture, which I found on www.guyswithiphones.com. I found 2 naked guys (see above) who had about the same age, build, skin tone and ... er... endowment. (not blocked out in the actual post) I also intentionally picked photos that were on the grainy side. I posted each listing for one hour only and then I took it down. I did not respond to any of the e-mail I recieved.

(Morality note: I did have a brief internal conflict about using nude pictures of people I don't know and including their faces. I could not block out the face or no one would know the Asian guy was Asian. In the end, I decided these guys posted their own nude pictures on the Internet where anyone could get to them so they were aware the images might get misappropriated.)

So, what did I learn?

The Asian "guy" got 10 responses. Half were from older men (35 or older) with the oldest being 52. The youngest was 19. Three of the responders were black, one Hispanic and the rest white. The 3 black guys were all younger. Of the 10, only 3 sent photos as requested and only one of them was a face pic. No one wrote very much in their replies, but the ones from younger guys seemed to suggest they wanted to play together as equals, while the replies from older guys suggested they wanted to dominate the Asian kid. Most assumed the Asian was a bottom or submissive.

The white "guy", got 23 replies. 14 of the 23 send pictures and the ones who did, on average send 2 or 3 pictures. Of the 14, 10 sent face pictures. The age spread was 19 to 43 for the white kids. All but 4 were under 30. One of the older replies suggested he would take a dominate role, the others were more contrite. "Would you let an 36 year old suck you off?" one guy asked. Almost begging. The younger replies for the white kid were more like the the ones for the Asian kid. They had "Let's play together" feel. The white kid got 3 replies from blacks, 2 from Hispanics and the rest were white. No Asians responded to either ad.

Another thing I noticed, but am not sure if it is significant, no one replied to both ads. The ads were probably up for too short a time to glean much info from that particular statistic.

I don't know if you can extrapolate that there is a racial bias against Asian men in the gay community or not, but there seems to be a correlation with perceptions both T and my Midwest blogger friend have felt. If it is truly there, this would suggest it is limited to the older gays.

Second Asian Boyfriend and Gay Symbols

2012-01-23T06:08:00.001-05:00

It was 2001 when I met Peter Le for the first time. By "met" I mean I bought a Playgirl magazine and he was in it. He was not the centerfold, in fact there were only a few pictures of him. He was in there as part of "Men on Campus" series the magazine does every year. (At least they used to.)

Anyway, aside from being a hot Asian man, he has a very unique tattoo. I like tattoos and this one really caught my attention. I thought it was a cool design, in fact, it even looked like one I might like to have one day.

So fast-forward several years later. I am a married "bisexual" man and I sometimes (or is it often?) look through the internet for hot men. One day I stumble up this.

It's got to be the same guy. Older, more buff, and the bleach blond was gone, but the same guy. I remember that tattoo. I pulled up my digital copies of Playgirl and there he is. My friend Peter, all grown up.

Eventually I discovered he has a website. An adult website. With an lot more pictures of him. They are actually tastefully done and they look nice. The site is mostly just him by himself. As far as I know, there is no actual sex on the site. Just solo performances. Is that still porn?

But this is not a story about an Asian bodybuilder with a nude site. It's about me.

You see, in addition to his paid site, he has a personal training fitness site, a blog and an online store. In his store he sells mostly clothing items. Many of them items he wore in various photo shoots. These seem to sell for a lot Well he is asking a lot, who knows if they actually sell. He also has other things. Hats, t-shirts, jackets, etc. Most are pretty pricey and all of them have his branding of some kind.

Some of the shirts, are printed with a sketch of his topless, muscled body. While it looks good in photos, I can't imagine wearing a t-shirt with a huge picture like that. I mean that is SOOOO gay.

But there are a few things that are more subtle. Like this:

The hat looks nice. Recognize the logo? Yeah, it's his tattoo. I think that's pretty cool.

I bought one.

It came in the mail this past Saturday and I wore it most of the day yesterday. Even out to lunch with K, AJ, and the kids. I don't usually wear baseball hats, but it made me feel good to wear this one.

Why did wearing this hat with the imprint of a porn star's tattoo? I was thinking it was my first time out in public wearing an identifiable gay symbol. It's not like a rainbow, but most of this subscribers are gay men and if any of them saw me with it on, they would know I am gay. It was a little exciting. I felt like I was coming out more as a gay man in public.

It's a little like people who put the HRC logo sticker on their car.

I think the general public does not know what the symbol stands for. But I also think most gay people do. By putting it on your car you are saying in a subtle way, you are gay and you want other gay people to know it.

That was me in my hat today. I looked at people who looked at me today. Had anyone noticed? I was looking for signs of recognition on people's faces. I didn't see any.

I also know that this tattoo is not as well know as the HRC logo. I have no idea how many people subscribe to his website. Probably not too many. In that regard, it also made it more safe. If anyone asked, I could just say I liked the design and I bought it from some website. I was putting my gayness on display, but in a safe way. Even a deniable way.

For now, there is a novelty to it, and I think I will wear it for a while. Tonight is gay bowling. I wonder if anyone there will recognize it. There must be some other rice queens there, right?

I'ts F---ed Up, But It Seems To Works For Us.

2012-01-22T22:58:00.000-05:00

Friday night and all day Saturday I spent with the kids at K's house. She, AJ and his daughter were all at a tournament 3 hours away. We had a good weekend, though I did not get a lot of school work done.

Today, K had to go into work early and I needed to sleep. The kids were at her house with AJ and I was home. We (Me, AJ, my kids and his daughter) met K at work where we then went out to lunch to celebrate my oldest son's birthday. He just turned 16.

After lunch K returned to work and I went with AJ and the kids back to his house. The kids were all doing their thing and I asked AJ to if he would keep an eye on them while I did a few errands.

I went back to my house, packed a bag and then headed to the gym. I needed a little me time. After an OK workout, I headed for the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk. As I was leaving my phone rang. I see it's AJ calling.

Me: Hello?
AJ: Hey. This is AJ.
Me: Right. What's up?
AJ: I was wondering what you wanted to do for dinner. You know... for the kids.
Me: Well, I was planning on leftovers. There is some pizza left from the other night and the stuff we brought home from the restaurant this afternoon. I picked up milk, did you want me to grab something else?
AJ: No, that should be OK. Why don't you just come on back.
Me: OK. I'm on my way.

As I hung up, I reflected on just how odd that conversation was. Even now, several hours later, I think it was fucked up. I wrote out the whole conversation, just as it happened. Based on that, would you think I was talking to my ex-wife's new husband?

Whenever AJ, thinks about the situation we have with me, K, him, and the kids he says the same thing. "It's fucked up, but it seems to work for us."

So far so good.

Sleep? Where Are You?

2012-01-20T02:52:00.000-05:00

It's almost 3:00am and I am not sleeping. I am not sure why exactly, but I have been under a lot of stress.

When K feels stress, everyone knows about it. She is irritable and generally not fun to be around. When I get stressed I generally do one of 3 things. I panic and make rash decisions that I will regret later. I overuse my sense of humor in a self deprecating way. Or, I ignore it and hide it from those around me. Many times I use a combination of these things, depending on who I am with.

Ever since I lost my job back in September, I have be stressed out about it. I have written about it here before. I try no to burden others with that stress, especially my kids. It's not their problem and I don't want to make it their problem. I just want them to be kids. I don't bother K with it much, because she has her own problems. She is also one of those people who thinks her problems are much bigger and more important than everyone else's.

I'm afraid T get's the brunt of my whining. He listens politely and sometimes offers advice. The truth is, there is not much he can do for me except listen anyway.

I had a really good interview lined up with a good company. It was for this afternoon. Yesterday they called to cancel it. Not postpone. Cancel. They hired someone internally. They told me I was the "top external candidate", like that was supposed to make me feel better. At the end of the day, I am still unemployed and someone else isn't. Good for them, shit for me. They said there might be something else being posted in the next couple of weeks and I should definitely apply for it. Whatever.

Then I found that the unemployment program I thought was going to carry me for the next 2 years while I am in school, is not. For reason's I am not going to go into, I am probably not eligible. I'm going to apply anyway, but I think my odds are slim.

So, is it any wonder I am stressed out? On top of that, K and AJ are leaving in 2 weeks for their honeymoon cruise. Guess who gets to watch the kids? Mine and AJ's. Yup, me.

I wish I was going on my honeymoon cruise.

Maybe I can go to sleep and dream about that.

Who Knew??

2012-01-14T21:24:00.000-05:00

As is happens, you can put too much cheese in an omelet. The kids asked for breakfast for diner tonight. They mostly ate waffles. I made an omelet for myself. I sprinkled in some chopped up maple pork sausage and several slices of American cheese. I normally would use a blend of sharp cheddar and monterey jack cheese, but I am at K's house this weekend and I used what she had. I put in too many slices and it pretty much ruined the omelet. It's too bad too, since it was cooked perfectly.

Why am I at K's? Well, her winter volleyball season started last weekend. From now until April, she will be gone to a tournament every Saturday. A couple of them will be over night. The one this weekend is in Myrtle Beach. She left yesterday and will not return until Monday. K coaches 2 teams and one of them had AJ's daughter on the team so AJ and his daughter are with K. I am staying at her house with my kids.

I would have had them stay at my house except for 2 things. I don't think I want to subject my new roommates to the chaos that is my kids. (They are a young couple and may be scared off from ever having kids.) Also there are 2 dogs at K's house that have to be looked after so it's just easier for me to come here.

Because of K's trip, I cannot go see T tonight like I often do on Saturday nights. I talked to him about 30 min ago, and he is so tired from his day at work, he cannot come see me tonight either. I miss him a lot.

I have a pile to school work on today. I have been reading about viruses most of the day. Not so easy to do when you are the only adult in a house with 4 kids. I am getting tired now. I did not sleep well last night (I was sleeping in K's bed) and it's starting to take a toll for the day.

So here I am all by myself. The kids are doing their own thing right now. I found some Malibu K had brought back from her cruise last year. She also has some orange/pineapple juice. That sounded pretty yummy so I mixed one up. And another...

I really like it. It is sweet, fruity, a little alcohol taste, but not too much. As I scanned Google looking for the pictures to add into this post, I searched for "malibu rum man" I was hoping to find a picture of a buff, shirtless guy with a bottle or maybe a shirtless bartender. I found a few nice pictures of shirtless bartenders, but I decided that since I was drinking alone, the bar part scene was not the right image.

I did, however, find several images to suggest the Malibu is a .... well... less than macho adult beverage. I say, screw it. I like it and I'm going to drink it. I don't care if it is a gay drink.

I just wish there was a special someone here to share it with me.

New Asian Boyfriend?

2012-01-10T20:37:00.000-05:00

I started school yesterday. All my classes came online and I quickly realized that after 20 years of not being in school, my science heavy schedule was too much. I dropped one class this afternoon. Don't worry, I still have 3 heavy duty science classes left.

Tuesday night I usually drive to T's house. I often meet him at the office and I drive him home. I usually eat dinner with his family and then we hang out in his room. He does his homework and I hang out with him. Tonight I am home with another Asian. I don't know this guys name, but my Chemistry book get's me access to a website with video lectures and he is the star of the show.

So tonight, I will not be with my beloved, but hanging out with another Asian for the evening.

Deathbed Regrets

2012-01-08T17:58:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine on Facebook posted a link to an article written by a nurse who works with people in their final weeks of life. She said there are 5 common regrets that people have. The article is here.

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life that others expected of me.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish I'd let myself me happier.

As I read through this list I realized as a gay man coming out of the closet late in life, there is a special significance for me here. With the exception of number 2, I have all of theses. I fear that T and his sister D, will have all of them including #2.

Disclaimer: Before I go too much into this I want to be clear. The goal of this post is not to complain, whine or anything else. While I am not entirely happy with where my life is, I am happy with the direction it is moving. I know it will get where I want it to go.

When I look forward on my life, I am not afraid of getting old and dying. But I am very afraid of having a long list of regrets on my deathbed. I know I have been given this one life by God for me to live as best I can.

For a long time when I was married to K, I thought about who I am and where I was in life. My straight life was not so bad. I was living the normal life that everyone expected me to have. In fact, it was the normal life that I expected. Except, it was a lie. It was not the true me. It was a fabrication I created based on what I saw other straight people do.

I think one of the things that pushed me out of the closet was the fear of regrets. That I would live my whole life and die without anyone knowing who I really am. K knew that I was attracted to guys, but I never told anyone else. I never told my mother, or anyone else in my family. I even knew that my sister is gay friendly, but I never told her either.

After I met T, but while K and I were still trying to "work it out" I wondered if I was going to live my whole life without the love of a man? While I enjoyed K's companionship, was that enough? And while I did not think about it at the time, would being roommate with a gay man be enough for K? (It turned out it was not.)

I think even at that time, I knew the answer.

I knew that I had to be who I am. I knew I was not going to be able to live in the closet anymore. I wanted to come out so fucking badly. I wanted people to know who I am!!!

But for a long time I could not. I could not even tell myself who I was. Even after I met T and fell in love with him, I could not admit my myself I was gay.

Part of the reason that I lost contact with my friends and could not make new ones, was I could not tell them who I really am. I could not tell them I am gay. I remember when K was telling about this cool new thing called Facebook. She wanted me to join. I though it sounded cool, but why would I want to join this networking thing if I could not be who I really am? If I could not tell the truth? What was the point of connecting with people to lie to them?

I let a lot of my old friend slip away. I did not create new friends.

Now things are different. Now there is a dawn breaking in my life. There is light where there was darkness.

I think the reason this article was so moving to me is not only for me, but for others. There are countless gay people who are not living the life that God had intended for them. They are hiding. They are in their own darkness. They are held there by fear. If they do not find the courage to be true to themselves, they will live their lives and eventually be at their deathbed regretting.

I am grateful K is supportive of me and T has been my rock while I moved from the darkness into the light. For all the pain and suffering I endured (much of it in my head) it was worth it.

I am who I am supposed to be. I will live my life openly and honestly as the man I am. A gay man. A father. An ex-husband and best friend. One day, a husband to the man I am in love with.

Roommates...

2012-01-07T22:50:00.000-05:00

I am getting used to the idea that strangers are living in my house. I have not been really able to get to know them. They spend a lot of time up in their room and I am not home a lot.

I did make it a point to go up and tell them they should feel free to use the whole house. I wanted them to feel comfortable. They thanked me politely and stayed in their room.

I make it a point not to hang out in my room. I set my laptop on the kitchen table and I do most of my work there. I like to use my bedroom only for sleep and sex (sadly mostly sleeping). Since I had that trouble sleeping last year, I have been careful about working or even watching too much TV in my room.

Anyway, they are both nice. They are very good about cleaning up after they use the kitchen and cleaning up after their dog. They paid the rent in cash. If I have to have roommates, I would not mind if these people stayed around a while.

Peaceful Easy Feeling

2012-01-07T16:44:00.000-05:00

I am very stressed out these days. I worry about money. I have not been a student in a long time so going back to school stresses me out, especially since it is critical I get really good grades. I worry about how I will support myself if I cannot get a job. I worry about my health or a car accident since I am currently have no health insurance. I am stressed about having to rely on roommates to pay my mortgage. Being lonely stresses me out, when I cannot see T as much as I would like.

I just have a lot of stress and there are times when I just cannot take it anymore.

Because the classes I am taking are all online, and I have never taken an online class before, I attended an in-person orientation session at school. The school is close to T's office so I planed to meet him there when I was done and so we could spend the evening together.

After the (very boring) session, I got over to T's office, about 15 minutes. I could see he still had patients to see, so I stayed in my car, listening to NPR and surfing the web on my BlackBerry. I was out there for more than an hour, but I really didn't mind. He is worth waiting for and the quiet time helped lower my blood pressure.

When we was finally done, we went to his house where I had dinner with his family. Then we went up to his room. He brings home work so I sat with him while he did the stuff that was critical for tomorrow. While he was working (sitting cross legged on his bed) I put my head on his lap and closed my eyes. We talked some. He did some work. We talked some more. I was in my happy place, right there in his lap.

After a while he put his work aside and he laid back on the bed. I laid my head on his chest. He played with the diamond stud in my left ear (he has never done that before and it was an unusual feeling, that I liked a lot) while watching TV. With my head on this chest, I could hear his heart beat. It was loud, but soothing. I know that I drifted to sleep for a short time.

I could not help it. In that moment, I was so at ease. I was so calm. All of my stress had melted away into the sound of his heart. It was just like magic.

Split The Differance

2012-01-07T14:50:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of the week I asked for feedback on the options of taking a job or going back to school. I appreciate all the feedback I got. I was helpful as I thought it out.

On Tuesday I had my phone interview with the recruiter. He told me at the beginning it would be a 15 to 20 min conversation to get some basic information. We ended up talking for 30 min. I think that's a good sign. He also told me he thought they could get me very close to the salary I was making at my old job because of my considerable experience, even though it was a lesser position. He also told me they would be in touch towards the end of next week if they wanted to schedule an in-person interview.

That was Tuesday.

He called on Thursday morning (at 8:20am) and asked me to come in on Tuesday next week. That was fast, I thought. Must also be a good sign.

I have a good feeling about this job, and if it pays well, I don't think I can turn it down to go to school full time. On the other hand, if they make me an offer, I don't think I have to abandon the school idea either. I think if they make me an offer I will drop 2 of the 4 classes I'm signed up for now, and take the other 2. They are all online so it should be no problem.

I'm trying hard not to get to worked up about this. I have had good feelings before. I have not even had the interview yet and I may not get an offer. I do, however, interview pretty well so I am hopeful things will work out.

Who's Sleeping In My House?

2012-01-04T23:29:00.000-05:00

This afternoon my roommates showed up. I have rented a room in my house to this young couple that is moving to my town from England. (They are originally from California, but were living in England) They needed a place to stay while they look for something else and they wait for their stuff to cross the pond.

They arrived today. I talked to them briefly this afternoon, before I had to leave. When I got back they were up in their room and I have not heard much from them. I know they split a pizza, because my house smelled like pizza when I go home.

This is the first time I have ever had to live with anyone who is not my family, since I was in college. Of course, unlike when I was in school I am not sharing a bedroom, but they are still in the house.

Now, in the brief time I talked to them, they seemed really nice and I sure it will be OK. They are staying about 2 month, maybe 3.

Another change that I am getting used to.

sigh

Who's Sleeping In My Bed??

2012-01-03T09:40:00.002-05:00

I knew T was on his way to my house yesterday morning. He had a ways to go, so I hopped on the treadmill for my morning workout. (It was day 2). After the workout, I headed upstairs to take a shower. I sent T a text letting him know I would be in the shower and reminding him of the code that unlockes the front door. I intentionally took a longer shower than usual in the hopes that he would join me. He did not. Maybe he got caught in traffic, I thought.

I turned off the shower, toweled off, and stepped out for the bathroom into the bed room. What I found was the stuff dreams are made of. T in the place I want him most... in my bed.

I will not bore you with the details of what happened next (maybe I will start a new blog for that...) but I was happy beyond measure that his skin was touching mine.

We then went out to lunch. We are both committed to eating better this year, (he thinks he has about 7 pounds to lose). We did make a healthy choice at lunch and we had a nice conversation. Being with him there is just wonderful. I wanted to lean over and kiss him often. I didn't, but I wanted to.

After, we went back to my house where we spent more time together, before he had to leave.

On my post the other day about togetherness, Biki posted a comment, "... Not everyone is as lucky as you are to be loved, and you're loved for who you are. Not what you do for a living, or drive, or your 6 pack. No, T loves you, warts and all. Revel in it my dear, revel in it. You have more than you know."

Yesterday, I was reveling. I know I complain a lot about how T and I are not together enough, but it is days like yesterday that I remember how truly lucky I am.

Responsibility, What's You Policy?

2012-01-02T22:20:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid, my Dad worked a lot. He worked a regular full time job for 35 years. Frequently, he had side jobs too. He is retired now, but was an electrician by trade. I remember he used to string the electrical wiring in new construction houses. Occasionally he would take me along, even thought I doubt I was much help.

We had a neighbor who was building and selling some kind of machine in his basement. My dad went and wired all the control units for them.

Another thing I remember was he attended college while he was working. He earned an Associates degree at night. I remember him taking a long time to get through that, but he did.

He also worked most every Saturday at his regular job so he could get overtime. Except for a short time when he was recovering from a pretty serious motorcycle accident, my dad was always at work. He never had a period of unemployment, and certainly not one that is over 3 months long like I am in right now.

Unless something unforeseen happens, on January 16, I will have been unemployed for 4 months. That is a long time.

Now I have told you before T is pushing me to go back to school, earn my masters degree and become a Physician Assistant. It is a good, stable, high paying job in health care is just the thing I need to ensure a secure future for me and my family for the rest of my life.

The only catch is, and I have written about this before, is that I am 43 and a father of 4 minor children. I have a house and bills that need to get paid. School will take at least 3.5 years and I am not completely sure how I will support myself, let alone the kids, for all that time.

Now I have continued to send out resumes (I have to to keep receiving unemployment benefits). I have had several interviews but no job offers. At this point I am thinking I really don't have any choice. No one is beating my door down to hire me. Every day I go without a job will make it that much harder to get a job. So the clear and logical course of action is to go to school. Trust in T and the Almighty, study hard and get is done for a virtual guaranteed payoff at the end.

So, in the the long run, it really is the responsible thing to do. Go to school, secure my future.

I am ready to start. I even told T this afternoon I am really looking forward to the start of classes.

Classes start on Monday and I am going to campus to buy my books on tomorrow morning.

Then...

I got a call from a large supermarket chain this afternoon. They want to have a phone interview tomorrow for a job I applied for several weeks ago. The job is a step below the job I had when I got laid off, but it's still a good job, paying pretty well, but less than what I was making before. I am well qualified for this job, maybe even overqualified because of my 15 years of experience.

I feel like I have to interview for the job. I feel like if I don't I will not be doing the responsible thing. The problem is that if I am offered a job, I have to take it. If I decline it, I will lose my unemployment benefits, without which, I cannot afford to go to school. If I take the job, I would not be able to go to school at the same time.

I could make a good living at this job and because of the size of the company, I am sure I could regain the level I had before. That sounds like a good thing... until I get laid off again. T points out the question, what happens if I get laid off again? I could be 50. Too late to go back to school. Maybe too old to get another job. Then I'd really be up Shit Creek.

Keeping in mind a job offer is by no means certain, what is the responsible thing to do?

Option A: Take a job with a good company that will provide for my short term needs and may or may not be there for the long term.

Option B: Go to school. It would be a significant financial hardship for me and my family for almost 4 years. It would mean burning through my retirement saving and taking on a mountain of student loan debt. When school is finished, however, I have a guaranteed job. A high demand, high paying, job. Paying more than the job I was laid off from. I would have enough money to repay the loans, replenish my retirement account and ensure a secure future. Also as I got older, I could still make good money working part time or per diem.

T says I need to make a choice and stick to it.

What is the responsible choice?

Alone, But Not. Together, But Not

2012-01-01T23:41:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow T is taking the day off for the New Year's Holiday. He office has been closed since he left on Friday. He is usually open on Saturday. While his office was closed this weekend, he was not off. He has a lot of back office type paperwork he needs to get done. He made a lot of progress, but he is not finished. Tomorrow, he is coming to see me. He is leaving his work behind and he is coming to focus his attention on me and us.

I am happy beyond words he is coming. I am happy every time I see him, but I especially like it when he comes here. Since I am living here alone, we get a lot of privacy and we can really get... close. :-)

There is a lot of time that I am alone. I spent a lot of the day with the kids today. This afternoon, my two younger kids were here with me. The older ones could not be torn away from their x-box. So for most of the day I was not alone. The kids were in bed early today, because school starts tomorrow for them. I was back at my house before 9:00 tonight which is quite early for me. It is now almost midnight and I have been home alone for 3 hours. I don't like it.

At the same time, I have something that a lot of gay men would kill for. I have a man who loves me unconditionally and I love him too. So in that regard I am not alone. But when I climb into my cold bed by myself each night, I am alone.

I know it sounds like I am complaining, but I'm not. It's just that I have been reflecting on 2011 and my plans for 2012 and this is on my mind.

On another note, I am finally going to get off my ass and get back into better shape. Several years ago I lost 50 pounds and as of this morning I have put all that weight back on. I am going to get serious about eating less, at lot less, and spending more time on my treadmill. Today was my first day and I did really, avoiding may temptations. I will keep you posted on my progress.

Hello 2012

2012-01-01T02:06:00.000-05:00

K put this as her Facebook status as midnight approached.

"As 2011 draws to a close I am grateful for all the wonderful things that have happened this year...and am reminded that we only grow through change and that sometimes change is necessary to be where we are supposed to be. Goodbye 2011...hello 2012!"

All things considered 2011, not a great year for me. It was certainly a year of change, but at this point I don't know if the changes will be good for me.

* I ended my marriage.
* I lost my job and the search is not going well.
* My kids moved out with K

On the other hand, there have been some good things.

* My kids seem to have adjusted to the changes pretty well.
* I have strengthened my relationship with T and we are openly a couple.
* I have committed to going back to school so I can have a better job for me and my family
* I finally joined a gay bowling league and have met some really nice people.

I think K is right when she says that change is necessary to be where we are supposed to be. The truth is that there was no way I could have continued as I was. Even though I hate change I have to change.

I do not like the interim step where I find myself today, but I have to keep reminding myself that it is, in fact, an interim step and there are brighter days ahead.

Like Nothing Happened

2011-12-30T23:28:00.000-05:00

Today was the day. This was the day I was going to meet up with my childhood friend who now knows that I am gay.

He called me at about 11:00 this morning to tell me he was about an hour away. I was just getting out of the shower when he called and I answered the phone naked and still a little wet. (Note to T: Don't say it!)

I got dressed and picked up odds and ends around the house to make it look neat and tidy.

I got a text from K that she was taking the kids out to lunch. I asked her if she, and they wanted to join us. K and Ted's wife went to high school together, though they were not in the same grade and she lived next door to K's best friend (who also turned out to be gay). If it was only Ted coming to visit, I would not have invited them, but since he was bringing his wife and kids (who are both college age) I figured it would be cool to bring my kids. After all, Ted has not seen my older kids in more than 10 years and he has not seen my little kids at all.

Ted and family showed up right on schedule. I met them at the door. Gave Ted a firm handshake, a hug for his wife and handshakes for the kids. I noticed how Ted's son looks a lot like Ted did at that age. They all came into the house and we chatted while we waited for my kids and K to show up.

When she got there, we did all the introductions and then headed for the cars for the ride to Chili's for lunch. We had a good meal and we hung out there for about an hour and a half.

I was struck by the ordinariness of the lunch. We talked about the people we both knew. Got caught up on the events in our lives. We talked like we had just seen each other last week. Like our phone conversation the other day, I searched for any hint that he might be different. For any hint that my old friend might have a problem with me being gay. I didn't find it. It was not there on the phone and it was not there in person.

After lunch we sent Ted and his family on their way home. I would have loved to hang out with them longer, but I knew they still had a six hour drive home.

As K drove me back to my house I was feeling happy. I was glad that there were a few more people in the world who know who I really am and they still like me.

Why Is It So Hard To Come Out?

2011-12-29T13:45:00.000-05:00

As a gay man I know the struggle of hiding who I am from people I am close to. We spend a lot of time worrying about how we talk, what we say, where we are looking, even how we hold our wrists. It's fucking torture and I think it's what eventually drives men out of the closet as they get older.

We are scared that we will lose our friends. We worry that our families will dis-own us.

I am starting to wonder why I ever went through all the trouble to do that.

My family has been supportive. Well, you might say, they have to be supportive. Your parents and your sister are predisposed to love you no matter what. Maybe I say, but it still took me until I was 40 to tell anyone of them. My mother has told much of my extended family and they seems to be OK too. Now they are all far away, so I don't really know how they feel since I interact with them so rarely.

My ex-wife is OK with it...now. My kids are OK too.

On Dec 9, I wrote about the wife of a friend I went to high school with, and hos she was good after I told her I am gay. Let's back up on that story for a moment.

When I entered my freshman year in high school I met "Ted". Ted had just moved to town from Virginia. He was a football player, a big guy, but a really nice guy. I don't remember exactly how we met and became friends but we did.

Ted did not look like the guy in the picture and I was never physically attracted to him, but we quickly became close friends all through high school.

After high school we went to the same college. We did not live in the same dorm, but we were close and hung out a lot. We did a lot of drinking and we had a lot of fun that first semester. We both were placed on academic probation.

The next semester I drank less, but Ted didn't. He eventually told me that he never wanted to go to school but his parents made him. He wanted to join the Marines.

After failing out he did just that. He joined the Marine reserves and went off to Paris Island. When he came back, it looked a lot more like the guy in the picture. While I stayed in school he got a job, got a girlfriend, got married and had a child. He was activated and shipped out to the first Gulf War back.

He came back unharmed and through all this time we remained close friends. We were both very different people, but for some reason we just clicked.

Eventually I finished school, got married to K and Ted moved to a southern state to join a city police force.

Today he is a lieutenant at the same police department, this children are both in college and I have only seen him one in almost 20 years.

He does not use Facebook, but his wife does and we are friends there. She has been seeing my posts lately and she reached out to me to see if I was OK. It was then that I told her I am gay. I was not sure if she was going to tell Ted about me or not. Several days later I got my answer. She had. She told me that he was OK with and only wanted me to be happy.

So now my long time friend knows I am gay. The first of my old friends to find out I am gay. What was going to happen? I was not sure.

Then, yesterday, my phone rang unexpectedly. It was Ted. I tensed and answered the phone.

"Hey Theodore!!" (I have always called him by his full first name when greeting him)

"HEY JIMBO!!" came back the cheerful reply (I only let a very few people call me that.)

We had a short conversation and he seemed like the same old Ted. I searched his voice of signs of tension, but found none. I was very relieved. Now the best part. He is coming here!! He and his family are visiting his family for the holidays and they have to pass close to my house on their was home. He called me to ask if I could meet them for lunch as they pass through tomorrow.

I feel a lot better about this. If he was not OK, he would not have reached out to me at all.

So this comes back to my original question. With all the positive reactions to my coming out, why was I so worried about it?

Why am I still worried about it?

Post Christmas Wrap-up

2011-12-28T23:55:00.001-05:00

I have to say, I had a really good Christmas. My oldest son even posted on his Facebook page that this was the "best Christmas ever!". As far as stuff goes, all the kids did really well. K spent a lot of money. I spent as much as I could afford, which was still a fair amount.

AJ bought K a Nook Tablet. I bought her a case for it. She, along with the kids bought me one of those Keurig coffee makers. I love coffee and K took our good coffee maker. She left me with AJ's shitty one which I promptly dropped in the trash. The Keurig maker was actually something I wanted but would never have bought it myself. My older sons picked out a nice set of handcrafted mugs to go with it. I was pretty happy about it.

I stayed for Christmas dinner. It was a nice dinner. And while I did not feel completely at home, I was happy to be there with my kids (and K too).

After dinner, I got into my car and drove to T's house. I did not make it for dinner at his house, but I was able to spend some nice time with him. We had some alone time for a while before it was time for me to leave for home. You can read his version here.

The remainder of the holiday week so far has been me spending a lot of time with the kids at K's house. Playing with toys and being together. Sometimes K was there but a lot of the time she left to do something else.

Next week they go back to school and the week after that, I'm starting school. I can hardly wait.

What Kind of Family?

2011-12-23T23:40:00.000-05:00

So the other day I posted about family and how things were shaping up for me. I got a lot of good advice and T got his head swollen from some many (including my mother) agreeing with him. Of course he is right, as he constantly reminds me.

I talked to my mother today. As she was telling me how she agreed with T and the other advice I got I asked a question. What kind of a family an I trying to create?

In many divorced families, the goal of the former spouses is to create 2 separate families. The children move back and forth between the separate worlds their parents create for themselves. I suppose in most cases this works well for everyone.

But this is not the kind of family I want to create. This is not the target I am shooting for.

I don't want to create 2 separate families with my kids straddling the gap. In the long run, I don't think this is good for me, for K or for the kids.

You see, I am trying to expand my family not segregated it.

Today I spent a good chunk of the day at K's house. I played X-box with the kids. I helped make dinner. I chatted with AJ's parents who have arrived this afternoon for the holiday. After the kids went to bed, K, AJ, and I when up into their bedroom to wrap Christmas presents.

As we wrapped, K labeled all the packages since she had the best handwriting. As has been our tradition, each kids gets a single present from Santa and the remainder came from K and I. In the past, I always had a significantly larger income than K and therefore I paid for most of the presents, but as we were all one family, the presented were from "mom & dad".

What about this year? I am unemployed and I am just holding on financially. I do not have a lot of money for presents this year. K has a job and she also got a windfall when she got half of my 401K plan. Also AJ makes more money than I did when I was working, and he chipped on on many of the presents even for my kids.

In the "create a separate world" the vast majority of the presents my kids will get on Sunday would be labeled from "mom" or "mom & AJ". The couple of small things I could afford would say from "dad". I know there are some that will say, it won't matter. It's not about the "stuff". The kids will understand you are not working and doing the best you can. All of these things may be true, but it sure would have made me feel like a dip-shit.

K started labeling the gifts for my kids, from "mom, dad, & AJ".

She expanded the family.

Part Of The Family or Home Alone

2011-12-22T08:13:00.002-05:00

I spent spent most of the day yesterday at K's house. AJ has been away on a business trip and was scheduled to return yesterday. The kids have been out of school all week and K has had a bunch of running around to do. Rather than sit home alone, I elected to come hang out at her house with the kids. I think the kids like it and I know I like being there with them.

While she was out, she updated her Facebook status to reflect AJ's impending return.

K is really glad that later today her family will all be under one roof again!

I knew what she meant, but I could not help feeling badly. For 20 years I was her family, but not anymore. I understand why she feels like that. Then in a moment of foolishness I engaged in some texting with her.

Me: Am I sleeping over tonight
K: Ummm..... No, I don't think so
Me: Oh right. I'm not family anymore. Carry on.

Before you say it, I know. It was a cheap shot. As Christmas approaches, I am noticing that I am feeling more and more lonely and depressed. I think I lashed out at K to make myself feel better, but it didn't help. It just made me feel worse.

So what is my problem?

I know this is irrational, but I feel like I am all alone this season. When I am at K's house, I know I am at K's house. I feel like a visitor there. I like being there with my kids, but it's not the same as being HOME with my kids. I have a boyfriend whom I am deeply in love with, but we are not together very much. When I am at his house, I know that it is his house and I am visiting. (Not because of anything he does.) As much as I love being there with him, is it not the same as being HOME with my partner.

When I am home, I am alone. When I think about being alone... I struggle with it. I know I will be for a long time.

Add this to the stress and concerns about being out of work and starting school without a clear vision of how I will support myself. While I put on a happy face as much as I can, especially around the kids, it is gnawing at me all the time. And what's more, I know it will be years before I can fix it permanently.

Wii Bowling

2011-12-19T23:17:00.000-05:00

When Nintendo first came out with the Wii, K and I bought one. It was out first game system for the kids and part of the reason we bought it, was we liked that it makes you move a little.

For the first year we had it, despite having bought a bunch of games the one that seemed to be played the most was "Wii Sports", the game that came in the box. Later, "Wii Sports Resort" came out and that became the favorite.

With all the sub-games included in these 2 titles, the one I like the best was bowling. I really like playing that game, and I like best when I play it with someone else. Who wins and loses is not important to me, I just like playing. There is a social interaction that I like.

At first, K used to play with me a lot. Then our relationship got strained. She worked at lot at night and found myself playing alone. At first I thought it was OK. I watched my cumulative points grow, but after a while it got boring. Eventually I stopped playing.

This past weekend, I had all 4 kids staying at my house. On Saturday afternoon, my daughter and I were playing Wii. She like sword fighting and I have a good time playing with her. We played for a while, she got distracted by something else and she told me I could play myself for a while. I clicked on bowling.

It was kind of fun, but it reminded me why I don't like paying alone.

Making The Adjustment and Over Reacting

2011-12-15T23:46:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get my thoughts together to write this. Now that I have, I am glad I waited.

Saturday, K and AJ got married. This is an actual picture from the wedding. Don't they look nice? The ceremony was very nice. Both T and I were invited and we both went. I introduced him to everyone. The people there who I knew, already knew I am gay, but this would be the first time that most of them have seen me and T together. It's one thing to hear about a guy who is coming out gay late in life. It's something else to actually see that guy with his boyfriend.

Everyone was very nice to both of us. In fact, K's mother, sister, and aunt went out of their way to talk to T and include him in the family. K's best (girl) friend since 5th grade, was very nice to him too. These are people who under normal circumstances might be hostile not only to me, but definitely to the boyfriend who stole their friends husband. But there was none of that. I was pretty happy about that.

The kids participated in the ceremony. In fact, there were 2 places where the kids were involved. Without getting into too much detail, I think the things they did were really nice. I really do. If I was an absent father, I think it would have been a really nice way to fold them into a new family. But I am not an absent father. I am very involved. It was hard to sit there and let her have her time with AJ and MY KIDS and stay on the sidelines. VERY HARD.

Everyone kept asking me if I was OK. I was starting to get tired of the question, but I know they only asked because they care about me. I told them that I was OK, when I really wasn't. I was happy for K and AJ, but I really wished they had not done so much to include the kids.

At the wedding there was one of those pictures of the happy couple with a large white border for the guest to sign and leave well wishes. As I was waiting in line for the buffet, I saw K and my youngest son next to this picture and he did not look happy. I excused myself and I went over to see what was happening. It turned out he was upset because he has signed his name using AJ's last name. I don't know what K told him, but he was upset that it might upset me he did that. He also said he wanted to change his last name.

I was a little, but I did not let him know that. I took him to the side (into a hay loft) and I talked to him for a while to get him to calm down. At this time, I just wanted to get him to re-join the party and have a little fun. I sat down on a hay bail (in my suit) and we talked. I told him no matter what I was always going to be his dad. I also convinced him that changing his name was not something that he could to that night. We would have to fill out forms and go to a judge to get is changed officially. After about 10 min, he agreed to re-join the party.

After dinner, after the first dances, after the cutting of the cake (and the eating of the cake), T and I had enough. I just wanted to leave and so did he. The week before, T had misplaced his driver's license and was waiting for the replacement to arrive in the mail. Since he could not drive, I had to go pick him up and will have to bring him home. K was not happy I was leaving, ("You are leaving me to put the kids to bed by myself on my wedding night?") but I left anyway.

T and I stopped at my house for a little "downtime" before I drove him home.

The next morning (Sunday) I went to K's house as I usually do to meet them before going to church. When I walked in my youngest some greeted me in a way that made me think he was replacing me with AJ in his mind. I mentioned it to K and she talked to him.

He told her that some kid at school told him that he could not have more than 2 parent and more than 4 grandparents. He was actually worried that my parents could not be his grandparents anymore. K explained to him that that was crap and we were adding to the family not taking anything away. I guess he accepted this, but I got a lot of passive aggressive crap from him all day.

This was totally upsetting to me. It made it worse that now every misbehavior I was interpreting as the kids trying to push me out. It was a horrible feeling. I talked to T about it and he thought my son might be fooling around with me. It asked me to consider if I could be overreacting. It was possible. My kids mean everything to me and the risk is huge. I could be possible that I could be letting my fears about what could happen get the best of me.

After a couple of days I was not feeling a whole lot better.

Yesterday (Wednesday), I offered to take the kids out to dinner with me. After dinner we stopped at a Game Stop where I was able to take notes on the things they asked for. While we were there, 3 of the 4 kids asked to sleep at my house. I told, like I always have, they can stay with me any time they want. I have no beds for them, but I bought some air mattresses so at least they are not sleeping directly on the floor

In the end the older boys decided to spend the night at K's house in their own beds, but both younger kids wanted to stay with me. I was delighted!! We stopped at K's to pick up their pillows and school clothes they needed for school in the morning.

I was pretty happy last night having kids sleeping in my house again.

This weekend I will have all 4 kids, even the older ones. I would like to think that they are coming to bond with the old man, but the reality is, they all have friends here and they want to have out with them.

At the end of the day, I think that I was over reacting. I think that I am not losing my kids. I think that it will be OK.

That said, I am still keeping a close eye on it and make sure my kids know that I am their dad and that's not going to change... Ever.

I Still Can't Believe I Did That!!! I Still Can't Believe I Waited So Long!!!

2011-12-09T15:22:00.000-05:00

I was online today and, among other things, I was browsing around on Facebook. I got an unexpected message from a old friend from high school. Actually it was the wife of an old friend from high school, but I became close to her too. Twenty years ago they moved away to another state. I have see them once or twice in all that time. I have gotten only a couple of phone calls and other than that, we keep caught up via Facebook updates.

The are aware that K and I got divorced and they are aware that I lost my job, but they do not know I am gay. That is until today.

I told her that I am gay. I told her that's why K and I got divorced and why I am not upset that she is getting re-married tomorrow. After I typed that into the chat window, I waited a long time. I did not know what she would say. I know she is pretty religious.

"That must have been hard all those years pretending to be something that you were not. Are you happier now that you are not pretending anymore?"

I could just feel the relief washing over me.

We chatted several more minutes, but at the end, she was supportive and I was happy.

Thank God for friends who stay through the years and the miles.

And It Begins...

2011-12-08T22:46:00.000-05:00

They started arriving today Actually almost everyone from out of town who is coming to K's wedding arrived today. K asked me to run to the store and pick up a bottle of wine for her to cook dinner with. I got another one for me to drink. And another one, just in case I needed it.

I really don't drink very much, but I could not stop myself today.

Here is how it unfolded:

After spending a wonderful day with T, which I need to write about later, I went to K's house to get the kids off the bus. I like to be there when my daughter gets off the bus. she is only 7 and she likes to see me there too.

After a while K got back from school. I left the to go home to meet a potential roommate. When I got back AJ's parents and brother. They already know I am gay. They already know that K and still have a close relationship. They are not entirely comfortable with that relationship, even though AJ has tried hard to explain it to them. They were polite and nice.

Then AJ came home. He had come from the airport with K's aunt. I am indifferent about her aunt. Over the past few years she has been nice to me, but it has not always been that way. Also she is nice to my kids. I guess she has mellowed with age.

I opened the wine.

Then K's parents and her sister came. I really like K's sister. While K's family all know that I am gay, K's sister has been the most enthusiastic supporter from K's family. It was nice to see her. If I still lived north near them, I think she would be my fag hag and go to the bars with me. I like K's parents too, they have always been nice to me. I don't like the way they, and her sister, treat K sometimes. They cause K so much stress, it sucks the joy out of everything. The truth is that it's about 50% K's fault. K is not always very flexible when things do not go her way. But at the end of the day, I usually have to deal with the stress.

I poured my second glass of wine.

Dinner was served. It was a good dinner, but there was a lot of people and commotion

I poured my third glass of wine.

I stayed just long enough to tuck the younger kids into bed and then I headed for the door. I went home and I was starting to be happier than ever that I live alone.

I will be glad when it is all over.

500

2011-12-07T15:34:00.001-05:00

Can you believe it?

This is my 500th post. When I stated writing this, I did not know if it was going be something I was going to stick with. Turns out it help me a lot through a very difficult time in my life. While the crisis I started writing about is long over, my journey is not.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to tell my story. I am grateful for the people who have read it, whether you commented or not. For the handful of people who have commented on the blog or written to me directly, I am especially grateful.

Four Days 'till the Wedding in the Barn

2011-12-06T14:28:00.001-05:00

I have not written is several days, because I have not hat that much going on. K is finishing preparations for her wedding on Saturday. As I get closer to the time when she will marry another man, I am feeling a strong sense of indifference. I find I just want it to be over.

Both K and AJ have family coming in. Every time K's parents come anywhere near her, she stress level goes through the roof. I would be lying if I said that it had no impact on me, it does. It is, however effecting me a lot less than in years past. I will be glad when it is all over.

She did get a little bit of support for me, even unwittingly. One of the stresses she has is money, but and she has been running short. She got a little boost when she was notified that my 401K was split and she portion was available for her to withdraw. She took it. She will use that money to pay for her wedding, probably her honeymoon and other expenses.

From another angle, I am looking forward to the wedding event itself. I think the biggest reason is having T there with me. As K moves on to her new life, I will be there with my new life by my side.

Quiet Time

2011-12-01T23:36:00.000-05:00

I went to see T today. I had to help him with a problem that he had. Once we got that resolved, we got in the car and headed to the store. On the way we talked until I got a call from K. By the time I was finished with that, T was finished shopping and checking out.

As we headed back to T's house he got a call. He was speaking Vietnamese so I didn't know what it was all about. As he was talking and I was driving, I reached over and took his hand. His fingers closed around my hand.

When his call was complete, he looked out the window and said nothing. I was driving and I sand nothing. We were still holding hands.

There was something in that moment of silence that really caused an explosion of love feeling inside me.

I had a really good day today.

Wedding Present

2011-12-01T12:18:00.000-05:00

I am visiting T this afternoon, and as we were talking he brought up the idea of getting a wedding present for K and AJ. I had not really thought about it much.

I don't usually use the blog to ask for advice, but in this case I will make an exception.

Should we get K and AJ a present?

What should we get for them? It's not like they really need anything, but what would be nice?

Roommate

2011-11-30T15:02:00.000-05:00

I have guy coming to my house this afternoon who I met on Craigslist. No, I am not looking for a hook-up while T is at work. I am looking for a roommate who will help me pay for my house.

I am not thrilled about it, frankly.

Three months ago, I had worked out a plan with K so that when she moved out with the kids, I would have enough money to keep the house on my own. There would also be enough to cover a good child support payment and even a little saving to put in the bank. When I lost my job, back in September, more than 2 months ago, and just 2 weeks after K moved out, everything changed.

I had hoped I would get a job quickly, before the severance I got ran out. No such luck. I had several interviews, but no offers. I worked in a fairly specialized role, which is making is more difficult for me.

Now I am on the path of school. As of yesterday morning, I have all the classes that I need for the spring semester. I still need to work this into an "approved" plan with the underemployment people so I can keep getting that help and they won't make me look for jobs at the same time.

So now I have to get a roommate to save my house. I wonder if it will be someone I will like. I guess I don't really care, since I am gone all the time. I don't need to be friends with a roommate, but it would be nice to be friendly anyway.

*sigh*

UPDATE: The guy called and canceled. I guess I should be glad he called.

Why Bother To Get Dressed

2011-11-29T09:06:00.000-05:00

I actually like being naked. I tend to sleep with as little clothing as possible. Not for any sexual reason. I tend to roll around a lot in my sleep and I just don't like the way pajamas will twist and bind under the covers. Frankly, I don't know how anyone can sleep with all that clothing on.

The most I ever wear to bed is underwear (I prefer mid length boxer briefs, if you MUST know). Generally a nylon/spandex blend. I don't like cotton. They twist and bind like pajamas would. While I prefer to sleep nude, I got in the habit of the skivies because for years you never know when the late night sound of little kid vomit would make you have to spring into action. There is never time to get dressed at a time like that.

Now that I am living alone, I am back to sleeping in the nude. Again, not for a sexual reason, I just like it better.

But there is something else I have noticed. Sometimes I don't get dressed right away. The laundry room is downstairs and I am not always the best about bring the clean clothes up to the bedroom. After a shower, I sometimes go downstairs sans towel and pick through the laundry bucket for the clothes of the day.

As the days have gone on, I find that I have been delaying getting dressed longer and longer.

Just today for example. Before my shower I decided that I wanted some coffee. I didn't see the need to get all dressed, I just went down stairs and started to make the coffee. While it was brewing, put away the dishes that ran in the dishwasher last night. When the coffee was ready, I sat down at the kitchen table to write this blog entry about being naked, well, naked.

It's a good thing I live alone, because I do NOT look like the guy in the picture and no one else would want to see it.

I guess it's one of those things that change when you live alone.

If you are living alone, do you take the time to dress right away after you get out of bed or the shower, or do you spend some time each day walking around the house in your birthday suit?

Choices and Choosing

2011-11-29T02:43:00.000-05:00

My last post got a lot of attention and a lot of comments that I believe were well intentioned.

I have some additional thoughts:

1. From the very first time I met him, T explained his family situation. He has been upfront and consistent though our entire relationship. There was nothing new in my post from yesterday, expect my growing frustration with my situation (not his).

2. For most of our relationship, especially early on, it was me that had limited time to be with him. The complication on my time was my wife and, to a lesser extent, my kids. Today his work is the major consumer of his time. The point is, that he did not complain too much even when it could be a month of more between times when I would see him.

3. While I have always known about his family situation, it does not mean I agree with it. I have specific thought about it that I have shared with T. I am not going to get it to that here. It is his personal situation and I am not going to get into it any further than I already have. I will probably not mention it again here.

4. I want to be with T more than anything. I really do. But it is not as simple as that. If T asked me to move into his house with him tomorrow, would I go? I would like to say 100% yes. I could be pack by the end of the day. But is that the reality? Maybe not. I have my kids to think about. T lived a hour away and I as much as I love him, it would not be easy to be that far from my kids. It would not be easy at all.

5. I do not know what the future holds for T and I. T and I do not have a typical relationship, even among gay people. Even if we lived together tomorrow, I know that we might only see each other at night just before bed. (I for one would be OK with that).

6. Will the day come at some day when I will have to stay good bye to T and look for someone else? I suppose it could happen at some point, but I am no where near ready for that. I am deeply on love with T and I do not see that on the horizon. I will not consider that until I am sure that there is nothing else to be done and we are really at some sort of a stale-mate. But we are not there. There is much that can be done and is being done to move things forward. I think there had been a lot of movement in his family in even the past couple of months.

At the end of the day, will his family accept me living there with him. I don't know, but we are working on it. I believe in my heart, we will get there, sooner or later.

Where To Find Happiness

2011-11-27T23:58:00.001-05:00

T has written some interesting stuff on his blog lately. If you want to know more about him take a look. The one he wrote today, I think I need to talk about. (You can read it here.)

One thing I want to make clear. T totally made me gay. I was completely in love with my wife, until T put his homo spell on me and made me fall in love with him.

OK... Well, that may not be really true. But T really is the reason K and I finally realized what had been wrong with our marriage for a long time. We realized I am not "bi" but gay. I realized when I fell in love with him, what "in love" felt like. At almost 40 years old, I had not really experienced it before.

I think if I had not met T, K and I would still be living in our house, together with the kids and we would be totally miserable.

I have written about this many times before and you can go back and read it for yourself, but K and I had been having problems for a while and we could not quite figure out what it was. T provided the light that (eventually) led me out of the closet.

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Many years while K and I were together, even the years before I met T, I was lonely a lot of the time. She was gone a lot for her job on nights and weekends leaving me alone with the kids. I didn't much like it, but it gave me time to think about things. It gave me time to realize how lonely I was. I gave time to dream about what a relationship with a man might be like.

At that time, I was dreaming about a relationship with a man. I did not know who this man was. I did not know what he looked like. I did not know if there even was such a man. It was just any man. The fantasy man.

The funny thing is, I imagined life with this fantasy man was very much like the life I had with K. It was regular things that regular couple do all the time. Shop. Cook. Yard work. Sleep. Talk about work. Have sex. Play with the kids. In many of my dreams, I simply replaced K with the man and went on with life.

So, do I want a man who will be with me all the time? Who will be my partner in everything? Who will be by my side every night when I close my eyes?

Of course, the answer is yes. I want that more than anything in the world.

Now the harder questions. Do I want it with any man? The answer to that depends on when you ask it. If you asked me 4 years ago, before I met T, then answer would have been yes. I would have dated men, hoping to find the one that was right and could be the partner that I want him to be. If you ask me today, the question is harder and simpler to answer.

When I first met T, I was instantly attracted to him. (I took this picture of him on our first date. See how HOT he his?)

He told me about his family situation and it did not bother me at the time because I had no intention of ever leaving my wife for a man. Remember, at the time I was not gay, but "bi". When I met T, the best I was hoping for was friends with benefits. I did not expect to fall in love with him. Besides, falling in love was strictly against the rules that K and I had established when she let me explore my sexual desires.

But I did fall in love and that was the beginning of the end our marriage. Today, she is getting ready to marry a straight man who is in love with her the way that she deserves. I think, in the end, it worked out quite nicely for her.

Me? I am alone in my house and I hate it. I do not like being alone. I do not like sleeping alone. I do not like grocery shopping for myself. I do not like watching TV alone. I do not like cooking for just me. I do not like having no one to talk to when I get into bed, before I drift off to sleep.

I love being in love with T.

Once I broke up with T to pursue a man who lived far away, but was willing to move to my state and live with me. He could have been the partner I always dreamed of. This is all in the blog too, you can read about it as it unfolded (look at April and May of 2010). What I learned during that trip is that I don't want a man. Well, I don't want just any man. I want the man I am in love with. I want T.

He is the man I want to make my life with. Am I happy we cannot be together all the time? No. Can I live with it for now? Yes. I have to. Sometimes T and I talk about it. Sometimes it is not very nice either. But, in the end, we are always united by our love.

It is not easy for me. It is not easy to be second or third place behind his mother and sister. I think it is not really fair sometimes. After all, his sister is an adult who can make her own choices. If she chooses to stay in the closet and be lonely then, that is her choice. It should not impact me as I am looking for my happiness. But my happiness is with T, so it does impact me.

There are sometimes when I think that T could go a little further. His parents were on a trip a while back. I was home alone and I invited him to come a stay the night. He refused because he did not want to leave his sisters alone. I was furious. He could not bare leave them alone for one night, but he didn't mind leaving me alone. What the hell was that? I mean it was only one night.

What he did do, was invite me to stay with him. I immediately accepted and I spent the night in his bed, in his house. That was fine with me. I did not have to be alone with him, (his sisters were their respective rooms) all I need was to be with him.

The truth is, I understand his commitment to his family. I don't always agree with it, but I understand it. He does work hard to get them to accept our relationship. I wish they would do more to meet him half way and accept our relationship, much like they accept the relationship of his married, straight siblings.

So what do I envision for our relationship. He has his family and I have my kids. (No, it is not the same. His family are all adults. My kids are small and need their daddy.) We each have commitments that are important to us.

He has never tried to take me away from my kids and I would never try to take him away from his family. What I would like is more of a meeting in the middle. What does that look like?

I don't know, and the truth is, I don't care. I would accept almost any compromise that leads to T and I sleeping side my side every night.

I do not have to have T all to myself. I would love to have him and I live together in our own little house somewhere, just he and I. I know that will never happen, so what's next best?

I would happily accept an invitation to move in with him in his current house. I would be happy to live there with his sisters and his parents. Would it be ideal? Of course not, but I think it would be a good compromise.

At the end of the day, I want to be together with T. I want us to share a home. Share a life. Not over the phone where we tell each other about our day, but where we experience our day together. I know that deep down T wants this too.

I think his family has moved a long way in accepting me and my relationship with T. I think they have moved a lot in just the past couple of months. The question is will they move enough to allow us to be together. To allow us to be together like his married brothers and sisters.

I don't know the answer to that.

That scares me.

What I do know is, I do not want to find my happiness with anyone else. I am in love with T and that is not going to change, regardless of our living arrangements.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

2011-11-24T15:06:00.000-05:00

I am going to get part of my dream to come true today. Those who have been following me for a while know that I have certain visions that mean success. I have written before about one of them. Thanksgiving dinner. K and I talked about the ideal outcome of our transition and spending Thanksgiving dinner together as a new family. With T and K and AJ, my kids, all sitting down together go give thanks for all the good things in our lives.

My reality is not going quiet as well. K knew what time I had to leave to have dinner with T and his family. I am not sure she did it intentionally, but she dragged her feet on getting her turkey in the oven so I am very close to having to choose between having Thanksgiving dinner with my kids or my boyfriend. I could have easily had both if she had not taken so long. Fortunately, I told K, T's family was eating at 6:00, when they are actually eating at 7:00. That will save me today.

Am I upset about it? Not really. After all, most of what I have been dreaming about is going to come true. K and I still have a really good relationship, even though we are officially divorced. (There really has been no change). I am thankful for that. A negative relationship would be bad for me, but it would also make it much harder for the kids.

I am thankful. I am thankful I have been able to transition from frustrated closeted gay who was terrified to be who he really is, to being comfortable gay dad with a boyfriend henis deeply (and openly) in love with. I am thankful my kids have taken the transition with little or no negative impact. I am VERY thankful I have found a man who loves me in spite of all my faults and flaws. I am not so thankful I don't have a job, but I am thankful that I have a good direction and support to help me get there.

I am thankful for this blog, the people who read it, and especially the people who comment to offer their love and support.

All and all I have a pretty good life. I know there are a lot of people who have it WAY worse than me. I also know I am on a good path and things will only get better. I'm thankful for that too.

Movie Night

2011-11-24T09:08:00.000-05:00

Yesterday the kid were off from school. I spent a good chunk of the day making treats I will bring to T's house later this afternoon. My daughter chose to hang out with me while I did that. We watch a movie together. We watched "Spy Kids 4"

I get movies from the Redbox quite a bit for the kids. It's cheap and it makes them happy. But I rarely watch the movies myself. Tonight after I put everyone to bed, I decided that I would have a movie night too.

I like movies but I don't really like watching them alone. Since, I am alone at home, I have to make changes in my thinking, right? So, one of the movies the kids wanted was the new "Conan the Barbarian". I figured a long haired, muscular guy with his shirt off for an hour and a half should be OK. Even if the plot is no good, the eye candy should make up for it, right?

I made some popcorn. I poured a diet A&W root beer and I settled on my couch for the show.

It was OK. I mean, the movie was fine, but I still did not like being there alone watching. I was wishing T was there with me. Even watching with my older boys or K would have been better than watching alone.

I will be writing a more upbeat, Thanksgiving post later today, but for now I needed to get this out.

Absolute Divorce & Thanksgiving

2011-11-21T23:17:00.003-05:00

I told you that last Monday was the official court date when K and I would be officially divorced. I was told by my lawyer that it happened as planned, but until today I could not prove it. I got the official paperwork today. So now it is done. I need to go back and update the header on the blog to reflect my new single status. (Except I am not really single, am I)

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Thanksgiving is coming up and this will be different from years past. Lat year, you may remember, I was home with the kids and K was on a cruise with AJ. My parents were here with me and the kids.

This year I am divorced. I talked to my mother this afternoon and I think she was worried that I might be spending Thanksgiving alone. I am actually going to be having a busier holiday than usual.

I will be going to K's house in the first half of the day. She is roasting a turkey in the oven and AJ is deep frying an second one. K has planned to eat in the early afternoon.

After that, I will be going to T's house. I am not sure what they will be having, but I understand that his family does not really like turkey. I am actually, looking forward for to dinner there. It will be a big surprise for me. I'm sure whatever it is, it will be good.

This will be the first holiday that T and I will spend together. Well, at least part of it. I think the day will be special and I am really looking forward to it.

I wonder if T will wear my favorite apron.

In The Dark Days

2011-11-18T12:14:00.000-05:00

The strength of a relationship, in my view, is not how much fun you have together. It's not how much sex you have. It's not how many vacations you take together. It's not how things play out in the good times. Any two people can get together and stay together when everything is good. When everyone is happy and there is no stress, relationships can appear to flourish.

During the time that K and I were married, we had many good times. We also had many bad times. If I look at the strength of our relationship today, I really believe it is the bond that was forged by going through the bad time together that really binds us today. It is why we will continue to have a strong bond forever despite all that has happened in the past three and a half years.

T and I met 3 years, 7 months and 19 days ago. In that time I have:

come out to my wife
come out to my parents and sister
come out to K's parents and family
broke up with T 4 or 5 times
decided to end my marriage
decided to re-commit to my marriage
decided to end my marriage
worked for an orderly end of my marriage (this took a long time)
almost started seeing someone else
lost my job
saw my kids move out of my house
enrolled in school full time

All the while, T was there for me. At every step, even the points where we broke up, he was there for me. He always has been a phone call away with the calm and steady perspective.

But the point is, he has been together with me the whole time. I know that sooner of later we will be together in the way I dream about. It will not happen anytime soon, but I know it will happen. When it does, we will have forged the kind of bond that will last forever. The type of bond can only be forged by dealing with the bad times together.

Despair, Depression and Hope

2011-11-17T22:30:00.000-05:00

I'm full.

I can't take anymore.

I mean it now. I really am at my limit.

This is the final. This is the very, very last straw.

I really, REALLY need to have a few things go my way for a change.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today is T's day off. By "day off" I mean his office is closed. He does, however, have to work. He recently converted to an new computer system and he has a back log of work he has to get through. He uses Thursdays and Sundays to catch up.

I was not originally planning to go see him today. I knew he had a lot of work to do and I had some stuff to do at home anyway, so we agreed that I would not come. Once I got up this morning and after puttering around my house alone for a while, I decided, I did not want to be home alone all day. I sent T a text to see if he wanted me to come. At first he was not sure he wanted me to come, but I promised to make it worth his while (if you know what I mean) and he quickly changed his mind.

I got there and he was hard at work. I brought my Blackberry Playbook tablet with me and I went online and complete the paperwork so I can get some student loans. The loans are and back up plan, on the off chance I don't get the job I interviewed for on Tuesday. Since that interview went so well, I was all but assured I got the job. When lunch time arrived he asked me to go to Vietnamese place not far from his office and bring food back. He wrote a couple of things down on a paper (in Vietnamese) and sent me on my way.

I got to the place and handed the guy behind the counter a note. He glanced at the note, then at me, then back at the note, then back at me.

"I don't have any idea what it says. I was just told to pick it up." I told him. I could tell he was giggling to himself as he punched the keys on the register.

"$23.48. About 10 minutes." he said as he turned his back on me and went into the kitchen. I could hear laughter erupting as I sat down to wait.

As I usually do when I have time to kill, I pull out my Blackberry to check my e-mail and surf the web. E-mail first. I scanned through the list and one jumped out at me. It was from the company just interviewed with. The subject line: "Regrets"

Just great...

I'm not sure why I opened the message. I knew what it said. We enjoyed to talking to you. Thanks, but no thanks. Please feel free to apply for other opening. Good luck on your job search.

How could this have happened? I bought a new suit for Christ's sake!! I gave them all the right answers. Achieving business results. Changing behavior. Building relationships. Supporting change initiatives. Blah, Blah, Blah...

This was the last interview I had. I have lot's of resumes out, but I have not gotten any more calls for interviews. I have not seen anything new come on line in my field in weeks.

So there I am, sitting by myself in a Vietnamese restaurant reading the news that I did not get a job I was sure I was going to get. It was all I could do not to break down and cry, right there in front of everyone. My sanity is teetering on the edge these days anyway, and this might just be the things to push me over the edge.

It seemed like it was taking forever for the food. I sent a text to T telling him. I sent one to K and my mother too. I updated Facebook saying I could not handle any more rejection. It was awful. I just wanted to be held so I could cry as all the hope drained out of my body.

I got the food and went back to T's office. He asked if I was OK and I said no. We went back the the lunchroom, we were alone in the office. We ate mostly in silence. I ate, but kept stirring my food with my chop sticks. When we were done, I went to collect my stuff, it was time for me to go. I sat down and started to pack my computer in the bag. He came over and sat next to me and hugged me. At that point, I started to cry. I simply could not hold back the tears any longer.

He did not let me cry for long, before he started bringing me back to reality. He started asking me about my budget, my expenses and how much I will be getting from unemployment. We wrote it all down and it seems that it will be very close, but I will be able to survive while I go to school. Sadly, there won't be any money for the hi-tech toys I like (at least I will be able to keep the ones I have) but I will survive.

By the time I left his office, I was feeling a little better. I would like to say a lot better, but I was not. At least I was no longer panicked and there was hope I will not end up sleeping in my car.

Business Travel

2011-11-15T23:15:00.000-05:00

I had a job interview today. It was a field based management position for a southeastern grocery store chain. The job would include supporting a large geographic area and it would require about 60% travel. The interview went really well and I think I have a good chance at getting the job.

I used to have a job with my last employer that was about 20% travel. It was not a lot, but it was enough to know that business travel is not as glamours as some people think. When I was traveling, i went to a lot of cities: Boston, Los Angeles, Dallas, Chicago, Nashville, Toronto, Kansas City, and the list goes on and on. Each of these trips had a similar rhythm.

1. Get to the local airport way too early.
2. Fly to the city of the day
3. Rent a car
4. Drive to the hotel
5. Drive to office or store
6. Drive back to hotel
7. Repeat 4 - 7
8. Drive to airport
9. Arrive at home airport very late
10. Get home after midnight

You never have time to sight-see in these cities. If you are lucky, someone will direct you to a good place to eat so you can avoid the restaurant chains. When you get home you are always beat.

When I was traveling before, no matter how bad the trip was, I was always coming home to people who loved me. K and kids were waiting for me and they were glad to see me. It always amazed me how fast my kids hugs could erase the memory of endless hours in airports.

If I get this job, the travel rhythm will be similar but the frequency will be more. I think I can live with that. There is one thing that will be different, tough. When I come home, I will come home to an empty house. There will be no one there to greet me. No hugs to wash away the stress of the trip. No one will be glad I'm home. This will make it harder, for sure.

In a way, I am jealous of both K and T. Both have family they come home to each night. Both have people waiting for them who are glad to see them. T's mom has dinner on the table when he gets home from work most days. He sits down with his parents and sisters and together they decompress from the day. When K gets home from school, she is greeted by our kids. AJ is home shortly after her and that all sit down for dinner together.

I come home to an empty house with only the fish to greet me.

18 years, 2 Months, 17 days

2011-11-13T23:12:00.000-05:00

At some point tomorrow, a judge will end the marriage K and I entered into 18 years, 2 months, and 17 days ago. We do not have to be there, so I don't know when it will actually happen, but it will happen.

I am feeling a certain measure of sadness about it. No, I have not changed my mind. No, I am not having doubts that it is the right things to do. Yes, I think that K should be free to marry AJ if she wanted to. Yes, I think that I should be free marry T some day when we are ready.

That said, I am feeling a little of a sense of failure. Many of the feelings I had during the past three and a half years are coming back to me now. You would think, at this point in the process this would just be a matter of paperwork. It would be nothing more than a transaction.

But strangely it's not.

I wonder if it is bothering me because every time I see K these days all she talks about it the wedding and the plans for it? What the hell did I expect? I mean it's not like I did not see this coming. It's is on her mind and as her gay BFF I need to be happy for her, right?

I truth I am. I am happy that AJ makes her happy in a way that I never could. I am also happy that I make T happy in a way that I could not make K happy. I also have not lost sight of how happy T makes me. It was only last night that we was sleeping in my bed and I was in heaven.

Anyway, I know this will pass soon. I hope it does anyway. I have a shitload of other stress in my life right now and I just do not have time for all of them. The other stresses are making me more vulnerable to these feeling that should have been put to bed a long time ago.

Sigh.

I also need to say at this point that T really is being a rock for me. I think that right now, he is the one constant in my very changeable life. He is always there to reassure me and I love him even more for that.

Two Love Songs

2011-11-13T01:01:00.000-05:00

Last week T and I agreed that he would come to my house tonight and we would spend the evening together. I had assumed I would make dinner for us, we would eat at home and then snuggle up to watch a movie. There might even be a little ______ if we are both lucky.

Yesterday, I was out at the store and I asked him what he wanted me to make. I figured I would pick up the ingredients while I was there. He told me not to worry about it and we would go to the store together and buy, "whatever we like". Spontaneous. I like it.

He arrived at the house and, after a proper greeting (wink, wink), we headed out to the store. He wanted some good bread and some lobster bisque, but after that we were really flying blind.

We took his car and he was playing a CD with some old Vietnamese music. He explained that songs were written and recorded when Vietnam had been in various states for war for decades. I could not understand the words, but he explained they were sad songs that all reflected the war and it effects on people. Then he started singing along. T has a wonderful voice. I have heard him sing before, but he does not sing for me often. I love hearing him sing. It made it better because I knew he was singing to me about love. (On the other hand, he may also have been singing about sending me off to war.)

We got to the store, got the things we wanted, and headed back to my house.

I baked the bread nice and crispy the way he likes it. I heated the lobster bisque and we sat at my table for a nice dinner. I was happy beyond words.

When dinner was over we went up to my room snuggled under the covers and watched some TV. As we were laying there, he dozed off. I didn't notice he was asleep at first, until I noticed a change in his breathing. Then, as he slept, he started singing the second song of the evening.

I knew he would be leaving soon, but I would have given anything to extend that moment for the rest of our lives.

Mundane Crisis

2011-11-12T01:19:00.001-05:00

I got a comment on my last posing.

"This blog is degenerating into the mundane. Perhaps the crisis in your life has passed".

While I take some issue with the word, "degenerating" I think Mr. Anonymous is correct in assessing the crisis in my life is over. Or at least the worst of it. I don't, however, think that my story is over.

When I read that comment, it actually played into a thought I had before. Now that K and I have resolved our situation, is there really anything else to write about? Now that T and I are secure in our relationship, is there anything left to talk about?

After thinking on it for a while today, I think that do have more to say. Even though that I am moving into a new chapter in my life, I think there is more. I still need a place to write down and share my thoughts.

On Monday, K and I will no longer be married. On December 10, K and AJ will get married. T and I are going to the wedding with my kids. That is enough stuff to write about for the next month. After that, I am still a gay dad that is getting find my place in the gay world, and the rest of the world.

That is the next chapter in my life. That will be the next chapter in my blogging. I need to write about it. I need to talk about it. I have always said that I write only for myself anyway. I do it so I can sort out my thoughts and explore my feelings. If people actually ready what I write, that's great. I know that I have helped some people by telling my story. If I am able to continue to help, so much the better.

I will continue.

Memories Bring You Home

2011-11-08T22:26:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you find old memories of home in the most unlikely places.

Tonight I went to T's house for dinner and to hang out with him. (I am writing this while sitting on his bed. No, we are not naked). I arrived, as I often do, just at the start of dinner. I sat down and T showed me how to assemble the meal. It started with a slice of bread, then some fish sauce and sautéd scallion in oil. The on the top was ground pork cooked with onion and what I think was some rice. It all came together in an open faced sandwich.

I was very good, but there was something about the pork that was familiar.

One of the reasons I like eating at T's house is that everything is new and different to me. It is an adventure of new tastes. I also like that T is there to show me the right way to eat everything. I think it is cute that his parents worry that I will be able to eat their food.

But today was a little different. Even through the fish sauce, I could taste to pork and it reminded me of home. The pork mixture was very similar to the filling of a pork pie that my grandmother, and my mother used to make. I am comfortable eating with T's family, but today it was even more.

I thought how flavors and food really have a strong pull on my memory. Tonight, even though his house is not my home, I felt at home.

How It Could Be Less Awful

2011-11-06T23:37:00.001-05:00

I spent most of the day with K and the kids, but this (pictured above) is what I was thinking about most of the day.

I got up early and headed to K's house to meet up with her and the kids where we went off to church. After church we all went to lunch and then to the mall to get some school shoes for the little kids. Basically it was a nightmare. K was stressed out and cranky. The kids were cranky and most of the time they made her crankier.

All the time I was thinking about T. I was thinking about my man and how much I wished he was with me. All the madness would have been more bearable if he was there with me.

One of the things I have noticed lately is how I have been thinking about him. Every time I do anything I think about how it would be better, more fun, less awful, if I was doing it with T.

Ten Days and a Murky Future

2011-11-04T22:09:00.000-04:00

In ten days my divorce will be final. K has opened a bank account in her name alone and she is asking me about taking her name of the 2 joint accounts we have. It turns out it is a lot easier to close those accounts rather than change them. K think she wishes there was an easy way for me to take her name off the house too.

Again, another indication of the change that is ongoing.

Here is another thing. Tomorrow we have an appointment at church to get our picture taken for the church directory. Actually we have 2 appointments. One for her and the kids to be listed at her address and another one for me at my address. I am not really thrilled about that, me being in the directory all by myself with K surrounded by the kids. Sigh. I guess it was inevitable, after all, I am single now, right?

I am living my life one day at a time right now. I have hear some people say that is a good thing to do. I don't think so. I think you have to have a vision for the future. You have to know where you are going or there is really no point in getting out of bed in the morning. Right now, I have no clear destination. I don't know if I will have a job or if I am going back to school. I don't know if I will keep my house and live alone or with a roommate. I am not even sure that I will keep my house at all. Even if I get a job and can afford the house, do I really need a 4 bedroom house for just me?

Living one day a time is really taking a toll on me. I am trying to stay positive most of the time, but it's harder and harder all the time.

On another note, I have heard from several readers recently, both in comments and through direct e-mail that they have found this blog to be helpful for them. The example of K and I has given them hope that they can have a positive relationship once the stress of coming out is past. I makes me feel good that people that I can be helpful. Other blogs were so helpful for me when I was in the "dark days". I am glad for the chance to pay it forward.

Italians and Vietnamese

2011-11-01T23:32:00.002-04:00

When I was a junior in college I dated a girl from a very Italian family. Her parents names were Florence and Rio, how Italian is that??

Her family did not live that far from mine and I was easily able to see her during school breaks and if we went home for the weekend. When I went over there, there was one activity that I was required to participate in. Eating. That what they do in that house. I'm not complaining, her mom was a really good cook and everything was always fantastic.

I remember one time I visited. When I arrived her father was in his garage working on something and I was hanging out in the kitchen. He walked in to the house and saw me there.

Rio: Hey. When did you get here?
Me: Hi. About 10 minutes ago.
Rio: Did you get something to eat?
Me: No thanks, I'm not hungry.
Rio: Are you sick?
Me: No.
Rio: Florence! Get this boy something to eat (as he walked out of the room).

Tonight I went to see T. I met him at his office just after 8:00. We hung out at his office for more than an hour while he finished up some work. While I would prefer he focus all his attention on me, but I understand he is swamped and has stuff he has to get done.

I knew it would be late when we left his office so before I left home, so I ate dinner with my kids. When we finally got back to his house it was pushing 10:00. T and his family were starving and they were snacking even as the table was being set.

I got offered things a few times and I politely refused saying I had already eaten. As I perched on a stool at the breakfast bar with a class of ice water, T's mom spoke to me in her broken, but understandable English.

T's mom: Jim! Do you want something to eat?
Me: No Thank you. I ate with the kids before I left.

T's mom: What time?
Me: Around 6:00.

T's mom: It's 10:00 now.
Me: I guess I could have a snack

So I sat down at the table and sampled most of the stuff on the table, including a Vietnamese squash soup. I did not try the blood sausage, but I tried most everything else.

I had a good time. I don't know what they are talking about much of the time, but they switched over to English enough that I was able to follow along sometimes. T was rubbing my leg with his foot under the table and I was happy to be there.

Plugging Along

2011-10-29T10:12:00.000-04:00

For an unemployed bum, I seem to be pretty busy. I have sent out several resumes this week. I have not had many interviews, and the ones I did have, all hired someone else. I have enrolled in two different schools. The one closer to my house does not have the classes I need often enough. The one that does, is further away. Grrrr.

My life is mostly stable. My relationship with K is pretty good. I'm even getting allog well with AJ. I relationship with T is going well, even though I don't get to see him as often as I want.

I have good days and bad days dealing with the uncertainty of going back to school without a plan for how I will support myself. Somedays I feel really zen about it, sure that it will all work out somehow. Other days I am freaked because I am diving in without a clear plan.

I think I should be writing here more often, but I seems like there is not a lot to say. There is not a lot of movement. There is not a lot of drama. So there is not much interesting going on so there is not much interesting to write about. I don't want this to become a whining blog (anymore than it already is)

There are some milestones coming up. My divorce will be final in 17 days. I am thinking of selling my house and moving into a small apartment. In 2 years when I start PA school, I may have to move again. The school is almost an hour and a half from my house. I will probably have to find something closer, but not too far from my kids.

I will keep you posted.

Motion For Summary Judgement

2011-10-25T23:46:00.000-04:00

Both K and I got a letter in the mail from my lawyer's office. There were a bunch of papers in there, but they all mostly said the same thing:

Monday, November 14, the marriage that K and I entered into back in 1993, will be over.

I have said it before, that I am not upset by this. I mean, she has already moved into a new house with her boyfriend. It's not like I have any hope of her running back into my arms so I can go back to my straight life. And, oh yeah, I'm still gay. I am still in love with a man. I still cannot go back into the closet.

But it is another milestone on the journey. It is another change. On top of all the other change I am dealing with, it is one more thing to pile on my plate.

In other news, I was at the local community college today. I had to visit the academic advising center. When I walked in there was this kid there who asked if he could help me. I say kid because I think he was born when I was in college the first time. It turns out he did not know any more than what was written in the course catalog that I already had. So told him what I wanted to do. He entered some stuff in the computer and now I can register for classes in the middle of next month.

I did find that not all the classes I want are offered when I need them. I may have to take some classes at another community college. It is further away, but I think I can swing it. I hope my car will hold out.

Two Lives...Still

2011-10-22T22:11:00.000-04:00

Last night after a wonderful night in the arms of the man I love, it was time for me to return to my straight life. Except for the fact I had to hang out at K's house to be with the kids, it was no different from any of the days befire I came out or before K moved.

She was gome most of the day with AJ. I had the kids.

Also this afternoon, my middle son had a date... with a girl. My middle son has a disability that impairs his speech pretty severely. A lot of the kids in his school are not nice to him because he is an easy target. When I asked him about this girl he told me she was nice to him when other kids weren't. I thought that was super sweet and you can imagine my surprise when I also found out her family moved here from New Jersey. Nice AND from New Jersey. Who would have thought??

Anyway I was charming to this girl's mother and offered to drive her home after the movie. It was very cute and my son had a really good time.

Then I took the little kids to a birthday party at church. I was OK. There was a lot of food and a Halloween movie the kids all seemed to like.

So even though I am mostly out of the closet, I am still living two lives. My gay life with T and my straight life with the kids & K. I'm not complaining, it was just an observation I was thinking about this evening.

Side By Side

2011-10-21T23:50:00.001-04:00

Tonight I had plans to see T. I met him at his office as he finished up his work. We went to dinner with his sisters, brother, a 5 year old nephew and a 30 year old niece. While we were waiting for our table, I got a text message from him (we were standing 3 feet apart):

"R U going to stay over?"

Well of course I will anytime I am invited.

Now, as I type this, we are laying side by side in his bed. He is finishing up some work, I'm writing a blog, while watching Food Network. We are together and I could not be happier.

The Crystal Ball Is Murky

2011-10-18T18:21:00.000-04:00

I have said it before, I like when things are predictable, stable and clear. I know life is not always that way, but for most of mine, things have fallen a mostly predictable pattern. Before I do anything major I know exactly how it will go, what I need to do, and contingency plans if something goes wrong.

I am trying to look into my crystal ball, but the view is murky.

I still have no job and I only have about 4 weeks of severance left. I have about 30 resumes out, I have had 3 phone interviews and already 2 of them have told me, thanks, but no thanks.

I am enrolled in a local community college to do my pre-work done and I am studying for the GRE so I can get into PA school in the fall of 2013. Then I will have another 27 months of school before I can work again. That seems like a really long time and I have no idea how I will support myself for all that time. T tells me it will be OK, but I feel like I am jumping off a diving board without any idea if there is water in the pool.

I have the love of my life in T. He loves me, encourages me and keeps me grounded when I get overwhelmed. I never know when I am going to see him because he is so busy and my schedule is pretty busy for an unemployed guy. I know he sees me as much as he can. I also know that it will get better soon. He has hired some extra help so over the next month or so, his workload will get less.

On another note, on Sunday night as I was leaving K's house, I send T a message asking him if he wanted me to come down and tuck him in. His reply was to ask me if I wanted me if I wanted to have a sleep over. I was surprised and immediately accepted. It was really nice to be with him and not have to worry about driving home late. I may write more about that night later, but for now all I will say is I had the most amazing night ever. (wink wink)

Anyway, back to the topic at hand, me whining about uncertainty. I am not certain about K and AJ. I am not going to write about the details of their problems, but K told me something disturbing this morning. She was upset about something that had happened last night. When I asked her more about it she said, "It was so bad that if the kids were not already sleeping, I would have packed them up and come to your house. We would have all slept on the floor." YIKES!! I am just getting used to being home alone at night and they all might be coming back?

I cannot see in my crystal ball what is next. I am trying to make the best of the uncertainty and take it one day at time.

Does This Make Me Gay?

2011-10-15T23:33:00.000-04:00

Tonight I had the kids. K and AJ went to the big NASCAR race in town. Because I could not go out, T came over to my house after work.

We took the kids out to dinner, then to the movies and then to a frozen yogurt place. After all that it was time for T to leave and drive home. I was sorry that we did not get any alone time, but we both knew the kids were going to be around.

I really like seeing him with my kids. He is really good with them and they really like him to.

The movie we saw was Dolphin Tale. It is a feel good story about an introverted kid with abandonment issues who stumbles upon a dolphin caught in a crab trap that has washed up on the beach. You probably know the plot basics, so I won't waste any time on that here.

People who know me well know that I keep my emotions very close to the surface. It is not uncommon for my eyes to tear when something emotional happens in a movie. Oddly, it is usually when something happens that makes me feel good, that the tears come. This movie has several of those moments. I am unable to control the tears. All I can do is wipe them away before anyone sees them.

I have always been like this. Knowing most people are not, however, I have carefully hidden the occasional tear. (No, I have something in my eye. Yes, both eyes!!)

I have often wondered if my heightened emotional was connected to me being gay. People who believe in the stereotype would probably think so. I'll bet there are lots of guys who would cry seeing a dolphin get a prosthetic flipper. Aren't there?

I have never give it a whole lot of thought before. It was just one of a list of things about me that I dared not share with anyone. Just like my desire to see hot, sexy men naked. (and kissing)

Day Off... Sort of.

2011-10-13T09:57:00.000-04:00

Today is T's day off. Well, his office is closed but he still has work to do. I am going to spend the day with him and I can't wait. I have not seen him in a week and it's killing me.

I will meet him at first at his office, where is he has stuff to do, but I have things I have to do too. I am bringing my computer bag and my GRE study guide with me. I have stuff other stuff to do too. Hell I may play games while he works. All I really care about is that we will be together for a while.

When partners/spouses are together they are not lounging around staring into each other eyes all the time. Their lives are not all romantic dinners and love making. There is work too. In addition to their jobs, there is other work too. Maintaining a home, going to and from appointments of all kinds, participating in kid and family activities (that may or may not be any fun) and other things that are not rainbows and roses. But what is important is that through think and thin, through good times and bad, through fun and work.

Even though I know much of his attention will be on his work, I am looking forward to just being there with him.

Going to get in the car now. Have a good day!

I Want to Be One of These Guys

2011-10-12T23:32:00.000-04:00

I Love You

2011-10-12T23:28:00.000-04:00

In The Cards

2011-10-12T21:04:00.000-04:00

I was playing a card game with my daughter this afternoon and when I picked up 3 card from the deck, this is what I got.

I wonder if God is calling me names.

Sick Boy Gratitude

2011-10-12T10:36:00.000-04:00

Youngest son is home from school today. He had not been feeling very well for a couple of days but I thought it was just a cold. When I did not get better and he complained of an increasing sore throat I became concerned. Since he is without health insurance right now, I did not really have a place to take him. T offered to see him at his clinic. I thought that was really nice and I took him up on his offer.

It turned out that my son did have an infection and needed an antibiotic. T prescribed it and sent me across the street to his sister's pharmacy. She filled it and then refused to take my money. It was a generic and cheap antibiotic, and I could have paid for it, but she said something about my having to put up with T was payment enough.

Anyway, the whole thing was a useful reminder that even though I do not have a huge support network like some people, I am not alone. I have people who care about me and for that I am grateful.

The Last $160.42

2011-10-11T23:51:00.000-04:00

On Thursday it will be 4 weeks since I was let go from my job of 8 and a half years. When I was let go, they asked me to sign a contract promising not to sue, talk bad about them, or release any company information. I agreed to this in exchange for 9 weeks of severance pay. So I sign the contract and they said it would be about 2 week until I get the money.

That was three weeks ago. I have not seen the money. I called this afternoon and they told be they would check on it. Grrrr.

Last Friday was a regular pay day. I got a little accumulated holiday pay that was about a quarter of what I would usually have gotten. This would not be the end of the world if I have received the severance that I am owed.

To make matters worse, because I have been promised severance, the friendly Unemployment office will not take any of my calls. I have to wait until my severance runs out, before I can talk to them. They closed the claim I filed and told me to come back later.

So now I am in a position where I cannot get unemployment benefits and I do not have the severance money I am owed. My finances are running on fumes and I am pretty pissed about it. I am also getting depressed about it.

I have had phone interviews with three companies, 2 last week and 1 tomorrow. Of the three jobs, only one if comparable to the job that I had. The others are jobs, but they are a couple of levels below were I was and tens of thousands of dollars less per year. I am not thrilled about the idea of starting over again at the bottom.

For now I am fully pursuing both the get a job option and the go back to school option. I am meeting on Friday with the admissions people at the PA school to get my hands around the requirements.

Starting this week, is the first time that I will be able to talk to anyone in the Unemployment office about the programs that would let me go back to school. I have to be out of work for four weeks before they would even talk to me.

So what has become of my gay blog. Lately it seems that I have converted it into an unemployment blog. There is a lot to talk about concerning my relationship with T. There is more to talk about concerning the evolving relations between K and I (and AJ). There is more to talk about concerning the transition of the kids to their new reality.

Of course my job and school situation is dominating my life right now and therefore it will be something I will write about, but I don't want to get bogged down in it.

You Like Him A Lot...

2011-10-11T01:20:00.000-04:00

I love all my kids and I try hard to treat them all equally, but my daughter holds my heart in a way the boys don't. What makes that ironic is that 8 years ago when K talked me into having another child, I only grudgingly agreed. Throughout her pregnancy, I was largely disengaged. It was easy since K was such a bitch for the whole 9 months. But once my daughter was born, everything in my heart changed. I was totally unprepared for the hold she would have on me.

Yesterday I spent all day with my kids. We went to church as a family, then to lunch, and then I took the kids to my house as K works at the church most of the day on Sunday.

My daughter says some crazy stuff that just makes me smile.

--------------------------------------------
I was exchanging text messages with T:

Daughter: Daddy, who are you texting?
Me: It's T
Daughter: Oh. You like him a lot.
Me: Yes, I do.

------------------------------------------

While my daughter was getting ready for bed... (remember she is 7)

Daughter: Daddy, you could have a girlfriend.
Me: You think so?
Daughter: Well, no one has asked you.
Me: The only girl I ever see is you.
Daughter: Dad! I'm too young to be your girlfriend.
Me: Well, yes, and I'm also your father.
Daughter: Yeah, that would be against the rules of love.

The Most Valuable Commodity

2011-10-06T23:35:00.001-04:00

T is very successful in his business. He has a magnificent house, plus other properties he has purchased as investments. Despite his financial success, he lives a very simple life. With the exception of his house, he does not have flashy things, even though he could afford them. He and his sisters have 3 cars, 2 of them are older with many miles on them. Two Toyotas and a Honda. I often joke that his family has the crappiest cars in their very swanky neighborhood and I worry the HOA will fine them. He does not wear designer clothes and when he and his family go out for dinner, they will often choose Golden Corral or Cracker Barrel.

He is also very generous with his money. I know he supports several charities, as well as taking care of some of his less well off family members. He even gave me a loan when I needed it.

This is not really a posting about his money. I mean, for me, it's a non issue. What I want from him is far more valuable that money. I want his time. I want his attention. I want his love.

I already have his love. I know it is unconditional and he thinks about me all the time. But his time is more precious. He is so busy it is hard for him to allocate time for me. Sometimes he invites me to events with his family so we can see each other. I like those times, but I really cherish the time we have alone together.

Today I got some. He came to my house, which I know is extra hard for him considering drive time. He came early, we had ______ and then we went to lunch. He bought some fish for my aquarium as a birthday present and then we went back to my house for more _____. He had to leave early in the afternoon. I was sorry to see him go, but I was happy for the time that we had.

I hope we do not have to wait a long a time until the next time we are together, but for tonight, I am happy he chose to spend some of his most valuable commodity with me today.

2011-10-04T23:25:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday To Me.

2011-10-03T14:21:00.000-04:00

Today, I made a big shift. Yesterday, I was in my early forties Now. I am in my mid forties. T says I should not worry about it because even thought he is older that me, he still looks much younger. I'm not sure how that helps me, but I'm sure once day his Confucius will explain it to me.

I anticipation of my big day I headed to the store to pick up a pint of the gayest ice cream ever. If I had one real weakness it's ice cream and since I was going to indulge on my birthday, I figured a gay flavor would be best.

For the record, it's pretty good but I would have preferred to have a little more rum flavor in the ice cream.

I am recovering nicely from my cold. I feel much better, though I am still stuffy. My voice is all raspy and it makes me sound sicker than I actually feel.

My dad called me this morning to wish me a happy birthday and I talked to him for a long time. Then a quick chat with my mother and then I was off to the store to get some aquarium stuff.

I have had a aquarium for many years, but about 2 years ago when we put the house up for sale, I took it down. Until a few weeks ago, the tank was in storage.

This past weekend my youngest son (who is 9) and I went to the pet store and bought new decorations for the tank. I let him pick out everything. I was hoping he would pick the reverse bubble waterfall, but he picked the diver that lifts the lid on the treasure chest. I think he did a good job with the plants. Just enough to add atmosphere but not so much that it's crowded

It must have taken us an hour in the aisle of the PetSmart. I thinks he touched ever ornament in the place but in the end he settled on simple. I like that. He really is a low maintenance kid. This is what he came up with.

I really have no special plans for tonight. Monday is my bowling night, so I will be there tonight. I wonder what dress up guy will have on tonight. I will be seeing T on Thursday and have my birthday dinner with him.

In other news, I have a job interview scheduled for tomorrow. It's really just a phone screen, but at least I got through the HR filter at this large company. The position is extremely close to the job I just left so I think that I should be able to get an in person from it.

Of course, this is conflict with the plan to go back to school. While I agree with T that school is best for my long term future, I think that I would be an irresponsible parent if I did not pursue it.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Sick

2011-10-01T23:31:00.000-04:00

I am sick and feel awful.

T is sick too and he has lost his voice.

We did not get together today. I think we were both worried about transferring our respective illnesses. Last night we thought this might happen so I was not surprised. One thing that I thought was stupid though. At the time when we need each other the most, when we could be taking care of each other, we are apart. Such bullshit.

If all that was not bad enough, my oldest son, who has epilepsy has a seizure this afternoon that was more severe than usual. The neurologist sent us to the hospital so they could run some tests. Everything came back normal so they sent us home, after we had spend 5 hours there.

Now I'm going to bed and hoping I feel better in the morning.

The Stressful Week

2011-09-30T22:49:00.000-04:00

This has been a very stressful week, and I don't feel like I have accomplished very much. In truth I haven't, but I am still wound up so tight. T is up to his eyeballs in work. I have not been able to see him all week, so I'm lonely too.

When the kids first moved out, it was not easy coming home to an empty house, but I found after a while I was really only there to sleep. I was going to K's house every day after work to be with the kids. Now that I have been out of work for a little more than 2 weeks, I find it is not the night time that's hard, it's being there alone during the day that is hard.

K is not in school all day, so there are some days that I go to her house just the hang out with her. I bring my computer and my books and do work there. Usually she is working on homework too, so it's not really social, I just don't want to be alone.

I started studying for the GRE this week too. I am feeling a lot of stress about that. The stuff in there is not really that hard. That is for someone who is in school now. It has been twenty years since I last sat in a class room or had to take a test. My brain is so rusty, it is going to take a long time for me to re-learn all the general crap I forgot from college, or even high school. The score on this test will be important for me getting into school. My grades from college were not very good, well below the standards for this school. I'm sure I will do well on the prerequisite classes I know I have to take. I'm hoping they look more at these recent classes rather than 20 year old grades.

T is confidant I can do it. I am really grateful for his support. Even though I have not seen much of him lately, I know he supports me nonetheless. That helps me a lot.

K is very worried about the whole school thing. She is concerned about how we will make ends meet with my income more than cut in half. To be honest, I'm worried about it too, but I just have to trust things will be OK.

Bowling is still a lot of fun. I am meeting a lot of people, and everyone is very friendly. I'm even getting used to the guy who dresses up.

That's all I have for now. I will be seeing T tomorrow. He is coming up to my house. I'm super excited to see him, but of course I have come down with my first cold of the season. By tomorrow, I will feel awful.

Sigh.

The No Brainer?

2011-09-27T14:05:00.000-04:00

If someone told you there was a million dollars waiting for you in a bank and all you have to do it go and pick it up, you would be pretty excited. What if then you were told you it was in a bank 2 thousand miles away. Well, that's a set back, but you could just hop in your car and head to the bank.

What if then, you discovered you only have a half a tank of gas and because you have a much reduced income, you are not sure you can buy enough gas to make the trip. Then what? Well, you are going to let this stop you, it will be difficult, but you know you can do it. You don't really need much. If you adjust your lifestyle, maybe agree to take some cargo in your car, you will be able to get enough gas to get there.

Hell, even if you had to walk or hitch hike across country you would do it. It might take a several weeks or months to get there, but you know you can do it. You are determined and the promise of the pay off would change your life.

That's all well and good if you are single person. But what if your not? What if you have children? You have to bring them with you to get the million dollars. That changes the equation, doesn't it? You can't very well hitch hike with young children. It's just not safe. If you were traveling by yourself you could sleep in a bus station or even outside. But if you are traveling with children, you can't very well do that.

You really want the million dollars. You know that you can make the sacrifices necessary to get you there. But what about the others who rely on you? Can they make the sacrifice? It goes beyond will they support you, of course they will. But you still have to support them. What happens if you can't do that while you are traveling the road to the million dollars?

What do you do?

Brothers and Forgetting

2011-09-26T02:07:00.001-04:00

T has a large family. He has 3 brothers (pictured above) and 2 sisters that live nearby. He has 2 other sisters in California. In addition to his siblings and parents, there is a host of nieces & nephews and some of them have families. Saturday night there was a birthday party for one of his older nieces (she is 30) and I got invited. It was on my calendar for months and was booked at a restaurant I had never heard of.

I was late arriving at T's house and I found his family had already left. He was waiting for me (with some irritation) when I got to his house and we left in his car. When we got there, I was surprised how swanky it was. It was way more formal than I thought it would be. We went down stairs to the private party room. It was kind of cool, it was actually part of the wine cellar, or at least it supposed to look that way.

T and I sat next to each other at dinner which lasted several courses and a few hours. We chatted with his niece (who was the birthday girl) and her husband (who is Caucasian) most of the time since they were sitting across from us. There were several things about the evening were important to me.

The first, I was there at all. His whole family was there including his mother's sister, visiting from from Texas. His mother has not always been comfortable with T having a boyfriend. Three years ago, she would not have wanted me to be around at a family function so that her sister would not ask any uncomfortable questions. I did not detect any discomfort from her or anyone else.

T's niece and her husband were paying for this very fancy shin-dig. While they are both working, I know they are not making a lot of money. It was a lot for them, but they seemed happy to do it. During the conversation, they talked about setting up a future, but smaller family only event. When adding up the people would come they included me in that count.

Another thing that was nice about the evening was, for a while, I was able to forget about my other stresses and just relax with the man I love.

When dinner was over, T drove me back to his house, where my car was parked. I was pretty tired so I left to go home.

Leap of Faith

2011-09-22T23:13:00.000-04:00

I am going to do it. I am going to go back to school. I am going to learn to be a Physician Assistant. It will take me three and a half years. I will have to spend all my retirement savings, at least the part I get to keep after I split it with K (which is not enough). I am pretty sure I can get unemployment for 2 years if I am in school, but I am not exactly sure how I will live after that.

But I'm going to do it anyway. I have been hearing from K and from T that everything is going to me OK. I am going to believe them, hold my breath and take a leap of faith.

I think that K will be forgiving about the amount of money that I will give her for a while. We found out that once they are married, that K and the kids can be covered by AJ's insurance. (And he does not have to adopt my kids). T has volunteered to co-sign loans if I need him to and has assured me that he won't let me become homeless.

So with all this, how am I feeling?

I am scared shitless. What I am about to do is SOOOOO far outside of my experience that it's hard for me to know where to start.

Today T started guiding me this afternoon. He bought me a book. One to help me study for the GRE.

Grounded in Reality

2011-09-22T01:07:00.000-04:00

T is coming to see me tomorrow. I am not sure if he is coming alone or if he will bring Confucius with him. I am really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. I guess this is one of the advantages of being unemployed.

Last night I went to see him after my son's baseball game. It was very late when I got there. I was tired but it was worth it. We had some... er... let's call it alone time that was pretty spectacular.

Earlier today, I went back to my old job and signed a contract saying I would not sue them in exchange for 9 weeks of severance pay. I also got three boxes of personal items that were packed up from my cube.

When I got to the guard shack at the entrance to the grounds, I a gave her my name and she asked me, "Have you been here before?" Grrrr

When I parked my car and approached the reception desk. I gave the girl at the desk my name and she looked up and asked, "Have you been here before?" Grrr Grrr.

Anyway, I signed my papers, got my crap and I got out of there.

On another note, I am working hard to keep a positive attitude. I really am. Now with no job, it is ever harder for me to be at my house alone. I am trying to remember that it could be a lot worse.

Rob from Below The Radar has made several comments over the past few days. It seems his divorce was VERY ugly and he was actively kept from his kids by his ex-wife. I cannot even imagine how hard that must have been for him and how painful that was for his kids. I am calling that out because I think that it is important that for all my difficulties, it could be a whole lot worse.

I am grateful for K and her understanding and support.

I am grateful for T and his love and support.

Fun and Work and Education

2011-09-20T01:17:00.000-04:00

I went to bowling tonight. The team we played against this week was friendlier than the team last week, so it was a lot more fun. I am getting to know my team mates better. The guy in the dress was not there this week.

It was nice for a while to just have a little fun and not have to worry about all the turmoil in my life. All I had to worry about knocking down as many pins as I can. I did pretty well for me. 143, 121, 149.

I am leaning more and more toward the idea of not going back to work but to got to PA school. I had a text exchange with my mother this afternoons and it sounded like both her and my dad are thinking that it is a good idea. This, of course, is delighting T that they agree with him.

I am still scared about how I will support myself, but T thinks that I should be able to get loans, even those that will cover living expenses. I am a little worried about paying back all these loans too. I will probably have to wipe out the little bit I have saved for my retirement, and making up that money while paying off large loans.

After thinking about it, I am coming around to the idea. Besides, when it comes time to retire, with this education I could easily work part time at a hospital or doctors office, to make up in what I am missing in my 401K.

So Much To Think About

2011-09-19T01:48:00.000-04:00

There is so much change going on in my life right now I am feeling overwhelmed. After getting canned on Thursday, I had a sleepless night. I was up early on Friday. K has clinical on Friday's and needs to be at the hospital so I had to go her house to get my little kids on the bus. I have been doing that for the past few Fridays, but this time after I watched their bus drive away, I realized that I really did not have anywhere to go.

I went home, updated my resume and sent out several to some local companies. I went online and files my claim for unemployment benefits. (Of course, they said they could not process it without having someone call me back.) I ran a few errands, not because I really needed to, but because I had to get out of my empty and lonely house. It was one thing just to come back to the empty house to sleep, but now that I have no place to go during the day, I am spending longer hours in my empty house.

By the end of the day Friday, K kind of made be realize that I was panicking and it was too soon to panic. After all I know that I have 9 weeks of severance and I can get unemployment so I will be OK, for a while anyway. Also I saw a lot more open positions that I thought I would.

Then there is the question about whether I want to go back to work at all, but head back to school. It was all making my head hurt, so I took the weekend off from worrying about my situation.

On Saturday I had planned to get up and head to the gym. I have not been to the gym in months and not I really have no time excuse anymore. I did not go though, because K called and said the kids wanted me to come for breakfast. She also mentioned that I had the eggs at my house and she needed them. Once I get to the house with the kids, it is really hard for me to leave. I ended up staying there until 3:30 when I left to head to T's house.

For more than a month, I have planned to attend an event where T would be singing. He has a wonderful and powerful voice and even though I don't understand the words (he sings in Vietnamese) I love to hear it. I did record his song with my Blackberry, but it did not come out very well so I won't be posting it. Again we did not have as much alone time as either of us would have liked, but I was just happy to be with him.

Sunday was another day so spend with the kids. I went to church with K and all the kids. We had Lunch at K's house before going to my house. I took the youngest kids to the pool at the local YMCA. Back to K's for dinner and I put everyone to bed.

I had a really good weekend. Now it's nearly 2:00am as I am typing this. In the morning, I have a lot to do and I need to make sure I get up and get at it.