tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76575243039839114012024-02-19T03:39:37.816-05:00Conflicting ClarityI'm a gay man who married his best friend and started a family. Now I'm divorced and still trying to come to terms with who I am and what I want in life.jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.comBlogger690125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-35958566195228450612015-12-29T13:27:00.000-05:002015-12-29T13:27:04.795-05:00Christmas Miracle? Maybe. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUJXJigYL5eu6aWHKHyf3V4FEeEyCjiOufq2kdP42wHrcN1oPowoKy1QQHEa4mSVdx-gOUiQkoA6CXKDGuIBSSECS4asIHUQfiwy2HA7OqmaXjhMPXBA-duWdmOOS-4YW67STXz3-e9_EO/s1600/INTERRACIAL-FRIENDSHIP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUJXJigYL5eu6aWHKHyf3V4FEeEyCjiOufq2kdP42wHrcN1oPowoKy1QQHEa4mSVdx-gOUiQkoA6CXKDGuIBSSECS4asIHUQfiwy2HA7OqmaXjhMPXBA-duWdmOOS-4YW67STXz3-e9_EO/s320/INTERRACIAL-FRIENDSHIP.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cory and I got together about 3 times before I was scheduled to leave for a family vacation. I went on a cruise with the kids, K, AJ, my mother and AJ's daughter and her BF. (Yeah, 10 of us, but we all had a great time.) In those times, the sex was better as we got to know each other better. I also was starting to think I was wrong about him being deep in the closet.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After the cruise he told me he would meet me at the house and spend the night with me. This would be the first time anyone had stayed over since T and I broke up. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cory arrived at my house about 10 minutes after I got back from the airport. I was greeted with a big kiss and a hug from his strong arms. I could tell he really missed me and he was happy I was home. It felt good that someone was there to greet me and had missed me while I was gone.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He stayed the night and spent the next day (which was a Sunday) hanging out and watching football. At one point in the day my daughter came over. He was very good with her and she seemed to like him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At this point I am starting think he might just be the real thing. He might be the person I have been looking for. Maybe. Or he might be too good to be true. I did not want to get ahead of myself. The Chef seemed to be the real thing for a while too, and that turned into a mess.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM56rh2KslSfUrULXDSqEoAFTXM4lySa-YNQiohqWJ_Rtv6ydTyZHwiZ6maeaK9FcOxKFhMSGsuH2FD5KsgAOYapFHXdae82JDy92yWwQl9MirZa2OA6rzzqBwxTmy8mAWZ-YJkqDpYfGs/s1600/gay-interracial-couple-bw.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM56rh2KslSfUrULXDSqEoAFTXM4lySa-YNQiohqWJ_Rtv6ydTyZHwiZ6maeaK9FcOxKFhMSGsuH2FD5KsgAOYapFHXdae82JDy92yWwQl9MirZa2OA6rzzqBwxTmy8mAWZ-YJkqDpYfGs/s320/gay-interracial-couple-bw.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cory is nice to talk to. He has a deep, but soothing voice. He also has a lot of his mind. There is a lot of things he thinks about, but he doesn't really have anyone to talk to. He says he likes that I listen to him. Of course I will listen. That's how you get to know people, right?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A few days after Cory greeted me from the cruise, he was planning to go to his home state for the Christmas holiday to visit his family. All of his family was there and he had not seen his mom or grandmother in a long time. Unfortunately, his plans fell through and he was going to be alone on Christmas. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I invited him to come stay with me for Christmas. I talked to K and he agreed to have him over to her place for Christmas dinner. Cory agreed and he came to my house after work on Wednesday. He packed enough to stay through the weekend. Until Sunday!!! I was not expecting that he would stay for 5 days, but I was really excited about it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We had a great time together. We hung out with K and the kids. We spent a lot of time back at my house alone. Yes, there was a fair amount of sex, but there was intimacy on other levels too. We spent a lot of time cuddling on the couch watch movies on TV. We spent a lot of time naked in bed, talking in the dark about everything. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYPg_3rwfOBn3KO7QbRFLzHBkfJrcBC65xncrbP8XhFt8fVYxh93tNziQ5oL3jWkqON8c3uKqdg_NcQ9DZizE2lRWzvfTKrL_z6DFuNaP0tT9pNFD5nIFSRRDIJtS2h4XsDfQKqFBPsr2t/s1600/gay-cuddle-6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="253" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYPg_3rwfOBn3KO7QbRFLzHBkfJrcBC65xncrbP8XhFt8fVYxh93tNziQ5oL3jWkqON8c3uKqdg_NcQ9DZizE2lRWzvfTKrL_z6DFuNaP0tT9pNFD5nIFSRRDIJtS2h4XsDfQKqFBPsr2t/s320/gay-cuddle-6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was not all naked cuddling. We went out to for a meal several times. We took my kids to see the new Star Wars movie. My youngest son came over and watched TV with us for a couple of hours.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Little by little. More and more. I was realizing I was falling in love with Cory. Even K liked him. I found out he was feeling the same way. He told me about other guys he had met recently who did not seem interested to get to know him beyond his muscular body or the size of his penis. He met some guys who were only interested because they have a fetish for black boys and wanted to get into his pants. They had no interest in getting to know the man inside. I was not treating him like a piece of meat, but as a whole person. He liked that. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiup0QzTxHL3M0wQ2raRqL4CB4aLFHJsjnFXyXDJsZdhV7SSs1DFYhf253dJVhbGUkQuEYc2HqquHttgFmmpD2unYNU7Ri2wDA9eYPRZTXSdbuPpXmEjd-qFP25NJ8_1Sp5yJ6c4m0zTPiF/s1600/INTERRACIAL-DATING.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiup0QzTxHL3M0wQ2raRqL4CB4aLFHJsjnFXyXDJsZdhV7SSs1DFYhf253dJVhbGUkQuEYc2HqquHttgFmmpD2unYNU7Ri2wDA9eYPRZTXSdbuPpXmEjd-qFP25NJ8_1Sp5yJ6c4m0zTPiF/s320/INTERRACIAL-DATING.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I told him that, of course I loved his body, I was not just looking for that. I wanted a friend, a boyfriend, or in the best case, a partner and husband. I wanted to get to know all of him. His body, yes, but also his heart, mind a soul. Spending 5 days together, you can learn a lot about a person. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So is Cory my Christmas miracle? Maybe he is. I can't say yet, but at this moment I am very happy. I can clearly picture him living in my house and being my husband. I am going to try hard not to push things, but rather go with the flow and enjoy the ride. It's not easy for me, but I will try hard. I don't want to screw this up.</span><br />
<br />jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-65555487648729044162015-12-28T15:04:00.000-05:002015-12-28T15:04:27.511-05:00Change of Focus<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtY_4wK50RBSo0yrNbOfhvHrq2BvM6JaUS-1b5FEwTrXCaKzDUVWv3EGmRsma5r-0H-QFjHWEXs8Gsy0t0WnVhMgMdO91_NtgG06Y4no9G4HGm_SnSkgr0unTpmEFKizOSnfHNFKWx87va/s1600/christmas-tree-wallpapers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtY_4wK50RBSo0yrNbOfhvHrq2BvM6JaUS-1b5FEwTrXCaKzDUVWv3EGmRsma5r-0H-QFjHWEXs8Gsy0t0WnVhMgMdO91_NtgG06Y4no9G4HGm_SnSkgr0unTpmEFKizOSnfHNFKWx87va/s400/christmas-tree-wallpapers.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hi there and Merry Christmas. Sorry I have been off the grid for a while, but a lot of things have happened. Most of them good (or at least healthy) for me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Over the last few months I have made a few attitude adjustments. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. I have come to realize that, even in my head, I cannot hold on the fantasy of T and I getting together. I know we will always love each other, and will always be friends, but there will be no long term love connection there.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Because online line dating, with the goal of finding a boyfriend is a frustrating failure, I have shifted my focus. I am not approaching it with the mindset of making new friends (and maybe some casual sex partners). Even thought this was only a shift in my head, it seems to help me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. If I had more friends, I would not be so lonely or so worried about having a boyfriend. If I had friends I could call up and go out for a drink with when I had nothing else to do.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So through October and November I tried to enjoy the "freedom" of being single. I was getting some hits on my online profiles and I tried to meet as many people in real life as possible. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I got a hit from one guy I met more than 2 years ago. I had just recently broken up with T and at that time I was rebounding big time. We had one date and then never spoke again. This time it was different. Let's call him "Norm" I am calling him that because the couple of gay bars we would hang out in, everybody knew his name. Norm is a black guy slightly older than me. He is in reasonably good shape for a man his age and a lot of fun to talk to. It was fun to go to the gays bars with him because he knew a lot of people and he was able to introduce me to them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Going to the gay bars with Norm was had it's goods and bads. The good was that it was fun to meet new people and talk to them. Because they already knew Norm, they were more likely to talk to me than if I was there alone. The other things I learned, is that the same people hang out in the gay bars all the time, and I didn't really want to be a part of that. I was quickly getting bored hanging around the same bars with him, with the same people in the bar night after night.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Norm's a good guy and I will try to remain his friend, but he is definitely not boyfriend material for me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just before Thanksgiving, I got pinged by 3 younger black guys, who all wanted to meet me. (K asked me what I had against white guys. I told her nothing. It''d just that all the people reaching out to me lately were black guys. And all younger ones.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I talked online with all 3 of them for a while and I decided I would meet each of them in person. Just to see what they were really like.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One guy was 31, a little overweight and worked in a big corporate office. He was nice, but I didn't really feel any spark there. I might be friends with him, but nothing more.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Guy number 2 was 24, and had just quit his job to go back to school. He drove a nice car and it seemed his parents were quite well off, so I was sure he was not looking for a sugar daddy. He was very fem guy, which I always thought I would not like. He has the most beautiful smile I had ever seen and he was able to hold a conversation well. In the end, (after 2 dates) I think he decided that I was not the guy for him and he stopped talking to me.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5B03QHifD4GwtF0x9SyQEKE7lWVdndQT37HxxXwBnrYusYteYhqEk8zUaCPujwV-c5_W1lLCHEV5aVcKRV-RZzWVFXK6rlcF4rKBMEFFvVdXWkyZXSBj_jwbixUs39lSG7WqIuA-mhaCj/s1600/muscular+black8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5B03QHifD4GwtF0x9SyQEKE7lWVdndQT37HxxXwBnrYusYteYhqEk8zUaCPujwV-c5_W1lLCHEV5aVcKRV-RZzWVFXK6rlcF4rKBMEFFvVdXWkyZXSBj_jwbixUs39lSG7WqIuA-mhaCj/s320/muscular+black8.jpg" width="227" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Guy number 3, was 34 and did not have a picture on his profile. When I asked him for a picture he sent me one that looks like this one below. This is not Guy number 3's picture, but it is close to what he send me. Guy number 3's abs are not a ripped as the guy in the picture, but rests is pretty close. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well Holy Shit, Yes, I wanted to meet him. I mean really he has the physical proportions of my dream man. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let's call him "Cory"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I met him and he was super nice. He was very smart, with a Master's degree to prove it. Through his fitted shirt I could see that the guy in the picture was really Cory, and not some stolen picture. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After some nice conversation and naked romp in my bedroom, I was captivated by him. Not only because of the stunning physical beauty, but because I really liked talking to him. It was a fascinating guy and I wanted t get to know him. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was brought back to earth when some of the things he told me made me think that he was something of a closet case. He led me to believe that he was not out to anyone and was looking for a discreet relationship with someone who was not going to talk about it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK, I figured. This hot god just wants to have sex with me? OK. I can do that for a while while I'm looking for a boyfriend. The sex was good, and I have never had a guy with this kind of a body interested in me before. I mean, what did I have to lose, right?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">More on that in the next post.</span><br />
<br />jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-10622830430526429012015-09-26T22:00:00.000-04:002015-09-26T22:00:01.597-04:00Impure Thoughts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfLjXQliBq275HpcPGNh4R1rnMoX_xABlD4uB1TQfMGhO1SNPBAUoXzxGlN6BAfUIZm4GbOlNto3azh6kShXcC-ZVSr_Jhq5G1WCzTxKe_H4OW7R5hnWdRZXEfbYAzKgdQ92ONvDNOamBo/s1600/tumblr_n7ulzw8EqJ1ro4txwo1_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfLjXQliBq275HpcPGNh4R1rnMoX_xABlD4uB1TQfMGhO1SNPBAUoXzxGlN6BAfUIZm4GbOlNto3azh6kShXcC-ZVSr_Jhq5G1WCzTxKe_H4OW7R5hnWdRZXEfbYAzKgdQ92ONvDNOamBo/s320/tumblr_n7ulzw8EqJ1ro4txwo1_1280.jpg" width="234" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">T's niece is also his office manager. She work really hard and takes care of all the little things that makes T's office run smoothly. I have known her for just over 5 years now and I like her a lot. She has always treated me like family, even after T and I broke up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So the Niece is having a big birthday party for herself. She has invited 80 people and they are having at a banquet hall T just finished building as one of his newest business ventures. This will be one of the first events he will have at this new property, so it's kind of like a test run before he starts renting it out to paying customers. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There was a ton of work to do to get this up. T and his sister have been doing most of it, but he asked me for some help.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was really good to see him. While we were moving stuff around, I was able to get him alone a few times. I was going to say "all the old feelings came rushing back" but the truth is those feelings are are always there, just below the surface. T's lips looked just as kissable as ever. (They are just like this guys lips.) I could tell he was having old feelings come to the surface too. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTRCj8wO-lkDyY3gCE9jugCZGTgCceboEvkJPrk5sYXDpsrVN2_jmlSMC3WrlI1fAKhXmwbNBBYURa-_98WkXZLJP2onNaYtbMN5bIFpgusclmqAj1A6xEtdxN502WRAK1wAc21Azm8BpL/s1600/tumblr_myzv89cSSI1sdyww2o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTRCj8wO-lkDyY3gCE9jugCZGTgCceboEvkJPrk5sYXDpsrVN2_jmlSMC3WrlI1fAKhXmwbNBBYURa-_98WkXZLJP2onNaYtbMN5bIFpgusclmqAj1A6xEtdxN502WRAK1wAc21Azm8BpL/s320/tumblr_myzv89cSSI1sdyww2o1_500.jpg" width="213" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While we were working in the hall, I was constantly watching him. He was tying bows on all the chairs. He was taking his time to make them just right and because he is a little OCD, he didn't want me to help him. There were other tasks for me, but I still watched him. Especially when he would bend over to pick something up off the floor. I could not stop myself from looking at his butt. Of course in my mind he was naked, and since I have seen him naked many times, it was not hard for me to picture. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wanted to come up behind him, wrap my arms around him, and kiss his neck. His sister was in the hall working with us, so I couldn't do that, but boy did I want to. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I helped out for a couple hours and when there was no more work for me to do, I left to go home.... alone. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know T and I are over. We both know it. We both have still have feelings for each other. It's both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because it shows that we will be connected even many years form now. It's a curse, because I compare my feeling for anyone else, against my feelings for T, and of course, no one measures up. The Chef might come the closest, but even then he is a really long way off.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-68939957213679536962015-09-25T12:32:00.000-04:002015-09-25T12:32:08.268-04:00Moving Along, but Adrift<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1yyRTDj9xI-HXgxTDUIAXuTe0OeSBtWFA-m9QWIdn_NTltlsdXGJ0Wqk3mHQ1AqU_kuKAC52aBOO17n2MZ_ZhsjaSugF8CWkVAw2sDwcl_nUm5Yt1MjLIBgrZgHglniC1-eYG3s6AWICW/s1600/alone+in+boat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1yyRTDj9xI-HXgxTDUIAXuTe0OeSBtWFA-m9QWIdn_NTltlsdXGJ0Wqk3mHQ1AqU_kuKAC52aBOO17n2MZ_ZhsjaSugF8CWkVAw2sDwcl_nUm5Yt1MjLIBgrZgHglniC1-eYG3s6AWICW/s320/alone+in+boat.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Things for me are moving along, but like all things with me, they are moving slowly. Sometimes I feel lonely and depressed. Other times, I am to busy to feel much of anything.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">T and I text every day and we talk on the phone a once or twice times a week. We see each other rarely. In the past several months I have only seen him when we were with lots of other people. He would invite me to a large family dinner for example. I enjoy going to these kinds of events, but they do not afford much time for T and I to talk.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sometimes when we talk I tell him how I am feeling. To be honest I think he is tired of hearing about it, but since I really don't have anyone else to talk to, he is stuck with it. One day he will just tell me to shut the fuck up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not long ago he told me I was "letting life drift by". Personally I think I am stuck in the current, but either way, I am not taking control of my life. I am letting other pull me in one direction or another. The things I need to take charge of, I am not. So what am I going to do about it? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I opened a new profile on a gay dating site. This site is known as more of a hook up site, but you never know (and it's free). In the first week I have had 3 people write to me, not counting the four hot, muscular, young guys who wanted to know if I am "generous". Two of the people who wrote to me, wrote very short notes about themselves. I wrote back to them, with a little something about myself. That must have been enough to turn both of them off, because I never heard from either of them again. The third guy turned out to be a closeted, married guy who wanted a secret man on the side to play with. Umm... No thanks.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am still talking to the Chef, but I we are still not sure where we are going with each other. We seem to often misunderstand each other over little things are we both get upset about them. It's not only are we not on the same page, we are not in the same book. He keep telling me that once we understand each other better, than we could be good together, and will look back at this time a laugh. I am not so sure. I am not ready to commit to him and he knows that. I'll keep taking to him, but honestly I cannot wait for us to suddenly click. I am not getting any younger. Even if we are not destine to be partners, I still would like to count him as a friend.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know they are baby steps, but I am moving along.</span>jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-68233024186934422102015-08-16T11:15:00.000-04:002015-08-16T11:15:34.992-04:00Thoughts on Pride<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQBGOHocRewAWmx0-2U8QFqHC6MSTva9-hFcvRXhsBGv708B2f5nR3a0OePvL9dGGQXfvo1rmMhThQHiVRsJfNBvVQsut8eY-8P9tKbgGMnTq3zanItSrb4KpOA7C5HWKGgjLBxxHdbS12/s1600/keep-calm-and-have-pride-48.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQBGOHocRewAWmx0-2U8QFqHC6MSTva9-hFcvRXhsBGv708B2f5nR3a0OePvL9dGGQXfvo1rmMhThQHiVRsJfNBvVQsut8eY-8P9tKbgGMnTq3zanItSrb4KpOA7C5HWKGgjLBxxHdbS12/s200/keep-calm-and-have-pride-48.png" width="170" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Charlotte Pride is the weekend. I went yesterday to the street festival. Later on today I am going back to see the Parade. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To be perfectly honest I don't like parades and I really don't understand why other people seem to like them so much. I am not talking about just Pride parades, but parades generally. My small town has an annual Thanksgiving parade that literally the whole town comes out for. I sit through it every year. I somehow feel like I have to, but I really don't like it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back the Pride parade today, I am going. I want to see what it's all about and what happens. Back in June I went to my very first Pride parade in London. It was fun, and not quite what I expected. We will see what happens today. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yesterday (and today) there was a street festival. A few stages with bands, lots of local businesses with booths, and lots of people.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I went with the Chef. It was nice to not be there alone, but it was also nice being there with someone I liked. (T says I love him, but I am not to that point yet.) Pride and other "gay" events are not really Chef's thing, but he went for me, which I was pretty happy about.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was a lot of fun. I like people watching and there were a lot of people to watch. There were a lot of young hot homos there, but there were a lot more regular looking people. There was a lot of people my age or older. There were a lot of pretty, muscular guys and there were a lot of... er ... not so pretty guys. There seemed to be a lot of straight people there. There were not that many gay couples holding hands, but when I saw straight couples, the man was almost always holding the hand of the woman he was with. (tee hee)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chef and I were at this booth waiting to talk to the people running it. I can't remember what it was, but it's not important. There was a young couple in front of us. They were about 25, and it seemed to me that they had been together a while. When they talked, there were very in sync with each other. In a lot of ways K and I were like that (and still are). I was thinking about how sometimes wish I had that when i was that age. That I would not be at Pride now with a guy I was thinking about getting serious with, but instead being there with my partner of 20+ years. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't spend a lot of time thinking about, "what if I had been able to come out in my 20's". but I did have a flash of it today. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'll let you know how the parade comes out. </span><br />
<br />jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-4840454806535044682015-07-18T14:22:00.000-04:002015-07-18T14:22:52.463-04:00Making Friends with the Chef<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjKCj6iYVE0m42WKvAzHkKm9jULG7_43hNNNv8wzmUCGuo2xJn3YNNury2r6jHBPzY-1iub7bzswVYpNkXRY_6_SthZdjDGPk4U-bG2IAD_TiAwcjWhr38EtWP7OJqBeOG7vzi0wfCYMGv/s1600/1395582982408.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjKCj6iYVE0m42WKvAzHkKm9jULG7_43hNNNv8wzmUCGuo2xJn3YNNury2r6jHBPzY-1iub7bzswVYpNkXRY_6_SthZdjDGPk4U-bG2IAD_TiAwcjWhr38EtWP7OJqBeOG7vzi0wfCYMGv/s200/1395582982408.jpeg" width="156" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I last talked about The Chef, it was not in a nice way. I can't remember now (and I am too lazy to go back and look) what the issue was, but it is likely he felt some slight from me (to be fair, often justified), got emotional, and said something horrible. He does that when he gets upset. K used to do that too. When she did it over the years, it would upset me, but I would quickly decide that it was not worth the argument and I would let it drop.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When The Chef does it, it pisses me off and I think, "Well fuck him. I don't need this shit." and I stop talking to him. Then because I'm pissed, I'll tell someone like K or T that The Chef was an asshole to me. They tell me he is a jerk and I should stop wasting time with him. I won't tell them about the thing I did to provoke him, so he ends up looking worse.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Invariably, in a couple of days, but no longer than a week, The Chef will reach out to me. He will say something cute that will break my urge to ignore him. When I respond, he will apologize for whatever it is that he said. We will engage in conversation and then we both feel better. This has happened a few times over the year I have known him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So the question is, why do I bother with him?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think part of the reason is, he likes me. Since T and I broke up, I have been online looking to meet people with poor results. Gay guys don't seem to like me. I am not what they want physically and therefore they are not interested in taking the time to get to know me. Most people who take the time, like me to some degree. The Chef is someone who is not interested in guys who look like they stepped off the cover of <i>Men's Health</i>. He is attracted to guys who look like me, therefore he was interested in taking the time to get to know me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">T was like that too. I never had a lean body, and I know T likes that. But with him, he liked my eyes. That small physical attraction was enough for him to want to get to know me. Once he did, he was able to look past other physical defects, get to know the real me and... well, you know the rest. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Regarding The Chef, it would be dishonest of me to not admit that part of the reason I am willing to deal with his emotional outbursts, is because he likes me, and there are not a lot of other guy who do. I have to admit that part of me (a small part) wonders if he is not my last best chance. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The other reason is more self-reflective. I think I provoke him. Part of me is still (and will always) be linked to T. My feelings for him are always there. Sometimes, I think I am disappointed that The Chef is not T, so I do or say things that push The Chef away. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is all in my head. T is not doing or saying anything to make me hang on to him. In fact, sometimes I feel like he is keeping me at arms length, you know close enough for a best friend, but not as close as a boyfriend. He tells me all the time I need to find a boyfriend. I have told you before about the active steps he has taken to invite me to things where I will meet other gay people. He has been clear on what I need to do. The stuff in my head, is mine alone.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So back to The Chef. Over the past several months we have been talking. He would like more of a boyfriend relationship with me. I am resisting. When I start to think that way, shit happens and then it's no fun. I have made it clear that I want to be his friend first. I want to get to know him more. I want to take things as they come. If he is my boyfriend, I have certain expectations of him. I have different and lesser expectations of people who are just friends. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With the "just friends" attitude, we have been getting along pretty well over the last few months. I know he still wants more. I don't know where it will go in the end. I am taking things as they come.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am still actively trying to meet more people. I will still go to the "gathering of the gays" that T invites me to. Two of the guys that go (a married couple) live not far from me and are interested in meeting up from time to time. I am also thinking about joining a gay bowling league, different from the one I did a few years ago. If this thing with The Chef does not work out, then I maybe I will have some good friends I can hang with. That will make being alone, not so bad. </span><br />
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jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-32288022295604731552015-07-04T15:19:00.000-04:002015-07-04T15:19:08.332-04:00Clearing Up The Conflict<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the end, I went to the dinner. T was really into the celebration. More so that I would have expected. I took this picture of him popping out of the cake. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I worked out a deal with my daughter. I told her I would go to a friends birthday party, and I would take her and her brothers to a theme park on Sunday. Seemed like a fair trade to her. I got to go with a clear conscience. While she did not say anything, I think K would have preferred that I went to help her with the kids. I figured she's a big girl and can handle it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If I had not gone, T would have told me the food was not that good, to spare my feelings, but as it turns out, the food really was not that good. It was OK, but the place bills itself as a high class Asian restaurant , but it was not any better than the take out joint near my house. Just more expensive.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The birthday boy reserved a room with a large "U" shaped table. The people were kind of divided. His family on one side and the gays on the other side. I doubt it was planned that way, but that's how people sorted themselves out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I sat next to a couple, I'll call them Mike and Robert. They have been together 24 years and they just got their first dog. Robert was going on and on about this snooty dog they got from a snooty breeder. (All my dogs have been mutts rescued from the pound.) Robert was talking about the dog with a not too bad looking Asian guy (T thinks he was Filipino) who also has a snooty breeder dog. At first, T thought I should engage the Asian guy, since he knows I have a weakness for men of the Far East. We did not have to hear him talk too long before I knew that we was not for me. T knew too. He was GAAAYYYY. I mean gay like Jack from "Will & Grace". There is nothing wrong with people like that, it's just not attractive to me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, Mike was much more talkative with me. He is also from the Northeastern Unites States and was transplanted to the south. We talked about how after more than 10 years of living here, we could not handle the cold any more, so moving back was out of the question.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mike asked me if T was my partner. I told him we used to date, but now we were just friends. I let him know the position was open and I was accepting applications if he knew anyone interested. He told me I have to "put myself out there". Yeah.... where have I heard that before?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, the dinner was nice and the company was good too. T did not talk to me much during dinner. He was not being rude. In his mind he was giving be a chance to talk to the other people at the table. I would have preferred there be no one else at the table and I could have spent the entire evening staring into T's eyes. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sorry, I lost track of myself for a minute. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, that is the update and it all turned out right in the end.</span><br />
<br />jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-81827591014115321042015-07-03T13:59:00.000-04:002015-07-03T13:59:22.879-04:00Frustrating Conflict In My Head<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want to be to be in two places at one time. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yesterday I came back from a 10 day business trip. I was five time zones away so it was difficult to keep in contact back home. When I got home yesterday, my daughter was the happiest to see me. I am sure the other kids missed me to, but they had other things on their minds.... like Xbox.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tonight is an annual fireworks display that I always attend with the family. I always have a good time and the kids like it. Since I have been gone, it seems extra important that I attend. At least in my head.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One of the guys from T's new batch of friends is having a birthday today. I have met this guy and his partner at T's house more than a few times. They are good guys and I was invited to his birthday dinner tonight. In addition to being a good excuse to see T (whom I have not seen in several weeks) it would be another chance to make an impression on these new people so maybe I can make some friends of my own. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I cannot be in both places at the same time, so since the kids expect me at the fireworks, I told the birthday boy that while I appreciated the invite, I was doing this other things with the kids.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now I am agonizing about this decision. You see I WANT to go to the birthday dinner. However, I feel like I HAVE to go to the fireworks with the kids. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While I am at the fireworks, I will be thinking about the dinner and how much fun it probably was. I will talk to T later tonight and he will tell me. (If it was super crazy fun, T would tone down his report so as not to make me feel bad. He might tell me the food was not too good, so I would not feel like I missed out. Not exactly a lie. Maybe a "soft-peddle" of the truth.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On the other hand, if I go to the dinner, I will be thinking about the kids at the fireworks. I don't want to be the absentee father, so I would be feeling guilty about not being there. MY daughter told me she really wants me to come, which would add to the guilt. I think I would have a good time at the dinner, even though I am on the outside of that group, they are nice to me when I am there. Every time I get together with them, I increase my chances of making a connection. (All I want is a friendship connection. Not looking for love at this point.) At the same time, I don't like the idea of missing events with my kids. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last year K took the the kids on a cruise. I went too. Not really because I had a burning desire to take a cruise with her and her husband. It was more that I did not want my kids to have that experience without their dad being there to share in it. More than a year later they are talking about the cruise and I am happy when they say to me, "Dad remember on the cruise when....?" and I can say, "Yup, I remember that!!" I kind of feel this way about the fireworks tonight. I know I don't need to be "super-dad" and be at everything. That is not realistic anyway, but I kind of feel like I have to try. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know I cannot be in both places at once, but I want to be. I know I cannot do everything, but I want to. I know there will be other events (for both the gays and the kids), and I don't have to go to all of them, but I want to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Do whatever you want and then be happy with it. I make my decision and I am OK with it. You get sad." T told me this morning. He is right. I wish I could be more like him in this regard. He makes his choice, sticks to it, and lives with the consequences, even if they are difficult. He does not agonize over the possibilities and he does not bemoan the outcome. He is decisive. I REALLY admire that about him. It's probably why he has been successful in his business dealings.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want to be more like that. It's just my brain is not quite wired that way. I need to fix that. It might be why I have trouble sleeping. But that is a whole different blog post.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For tonight I am still not sure what to do. It has been cloudy all day. Maybe I'll get lucky and the fireworks will get rained out and postponed. Then I really could do both. </span><br />
<br />jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-1077557690453912572015-06-21T18:52:00.002-04:002015-06-21T18:52:46.100-04:00T's Big Gay BBQ<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">T's straight sister has a lot of gay friends. I mean a lot. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV9LCoreC_M34GzQceLegs2Q7y8v7PDYp6fH_iZnJz6_-FrP8a7uRzIYFaPplf8wQOJh-2xdm8Kio7DgHi2UNLo7NPkr5zzTjbMZsYt0wMGA1yOuxeKfkCXa5MhSm1FrwlCjUOGkYEqKCa/s1600/rainbow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="128" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgV9LCoreC_M34GzQceLegs2Q7y8v7PDYp6fH_iZnJz6_-FrP8a7uRzIYFaPplf8wQOJh-2xdm8Kio7DgHi2UNLo7NPkr5zzTjbMZsYt0wMGA1yOuxeKfkCXa5MhSm1FrwlCjUOGkYEqKCa/s320/rainbow.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think it all started with a private Spanish class she was taking. I have met a lot of them at T's house over the past several months. Most all of them are partnered or married. There is one of the group who is single, then there is me and T. I think many of them think that T and I are partners. When I make conversation I sometimes to refer to events that have happened in the past to us, so it is clear that we have know each other a long time. I would not be surprised if one or more of these guys asked T's sister what the story is with the fat white guy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last weekend T had a BBQ at his house. I have attended these types of events many times in the past, but usually they include his family. All his siblings, their spouses and children, in addition to a selection of friends. I have even brought my kids to some of these events over the years. But not last weekend. This was a big gay BBQ. Aside from T's sister, there were no straight people there.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was a nice time and T is encouraging me to get to know these people as much as possible. Even though they are partnered, they might have single friends. It's possible, but I am not holding my breath for the possibility of getting "fixed up". I am mostly going because I like to be around people (gay people in particular). I also like being around T, not to mention there is always a ton of good food. (Really, there is always a TON of food.)</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM0JhtNvd-S4I9JpOrvIfpvOKM101175eOEQBIeOK-WShr0fJML-I5RispiiuINrbqiqkbEFnbBQtWK7jECZp3RirlDL-jZH9JcwjX1CXCPthk0-WUmnDdi0wZl6h3M5uEVQKHfGdJv7ty/s1600/Photo0463.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM0JhtNvd-S4I9JpOrvIfpvOKM101175eOEQBIeOK-WShr0fJML-I5RispiiuINrbqiqkbEFnbBQtWK7jECZp3RirlDL-jZH9JcwjX1CXCPthk0-WUmnDdi0wZl6h3M5uEVQKHfGdJv7ty/s1600/Photo0463.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After the dinner, I set up a fire out back in his fire-pit and the group of homos sat around the fire and talked about stuff. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Being introverted and shy around new people, I was pretty good about engaging with the everyone around the fire. I listened and talked when I had something to add. One of the couples, a married couple from Columbia, suggested I should meet up with them sometime and hang out. They live not too far from me, in a northern suburb of Charlotte</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, while T and most of the others live to the south.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I thought that invite was a good thing. All these guys seem to have a pre-existing friendship. I am not sure how they all know each other, but it's clear they do. These kinds of groups are hard to break into. They are always friendly on the surface, but only when fate or other forces put me in the same place as them. It was just like the people at bowling a few years back and kickball this past spring. Everyone already knows everyone else and while polite, they are not much interested in getting to know anyone new. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am taking a business trip to England next week for about a week and a half. When I get back, I will look up the Colombian couple and see what happens.</span><br />
<br />jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-67049396150058962412015-06-17T16:56:00.001-04:002015-06-17T16:56:26.053-04:00Trip to the Beach<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNKqQLa-chR0v_RuVPJE2JafbRlTHQr9gkTYcF4aiThX_bGXOKPbnZ8aP68-F_quO97UmexlWQdWp2IAbrlbweJ-WlvZTF3a5dxlpF7atDQrLr36-cLe-t8i5bLnZ_B1tAnAs3mJ5YqzDv/s1600/IMG_20150524_055839451.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNKqQLa-chR0v_RuVPJE2JafbRlTHQr9gkTYcF4aiThX_bGXOKPbnZ8aP68-F_quO97UmexlWQdWp2IAbrlbweJ-WlvZTF3a5dxlpF7atDQrLr36-cLe-t8i5bLnZ_B1tAnAs3mJ5YqzDv/s320/IMG_20150524_055839451.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">His and His shoes on the beach.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It has been a while since I had the ambition to write much. Not a lot has happened, but on the other had a lot has happened. </span><br />
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First let's talk about the trip to the beach. (The pictures in this post were all taken by me on this trip)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I HAD A TOTALLY AWESOME TIME AT THE BEACH WITH T AND THIS FAMILY. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It really was just perfect. The house they rented was just right the number of people who were there for the short time we were there. It was about a 5 minute walk to the ocean side of the island and the spectacular beach. The weather was absolutely perfect. No rain. Plenty of sea breezes and just the right amount of sun. We truly could not have asked for better weather. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf9k0o-A1tDHFs-xw7_9f7tScCflxSfvCKIG5NfWK6NePc0r2Ph3sTClcNjx52R_UgcSHBEJMF_pjMB-nVww1Ersqen0Tav16oRgNedh5pef1VEZpPr2BfFm4TyHhpad4bnR1kCG-UUcqO/s1600/IMG_20150524_101226116.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf9k0o-A1tDHFs-xw7_9f7tScCflxSfvCKIG5NfWK6NePc0r2Ph3sTClcNjx52R_UgcSHBEJMF_pjMB-nVww1Ersqen0Tav16oRgNedh5pef1VEZpPr2BfFm4TyHhpad4bnR1kCG-UUcqO/s320/IMG_20150524_101226116.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is a place with a lot of cottages and large houses. Most of them are for rent to people who want to take a vacation there. There are no high rise hotels like you might find at Myrtle Beach or Miami. As a result, I think even if all the houses were full, there would not be enough people to fill the beach. There just are not enough people staying there to fill up the sand.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We left to go there on a Friday after T finished working. We drove almost 6 hours to get out there. By the time we reached the house, it was about 2am on Saturday morning. Most everyone was ready for bed. Not me. I wanted to see the ocean and the surf. I just wanted to be able to hear the surf before going to bed. Even though he was tired, he walked down to the beach with me. We spend about 5 or 10 minutes in the sand before heading back.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The next day we (me, T, and his family) drove all over the place. We saw lighthouses and other attractions. We climbed up one of the lighthouses and it was just amazing. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLFVoLN1j2dDw6-kZEF_g4OcL3p0cCCJrCFzCzfhNXPL0FuddFC3NnjOWdiuCP_8bL6iNmcSP3syW8XvHi0xtlVJCyeUTktBZ1RGSU2PWAFvbpDNHQM5qCnRvv3fR2XNqnnN5pupS1h8pd/s1600/IMG_20150523_105950349.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLFVoLN1j2dDw6-kZEF_g4OcL3p0cCCJrCFzCzfhNXPL0FuddFC3NnjOWdiuCP_8bL6iNmcSP3syW8XvHi0xtlVJCyeUTktBZ1RGSU2PWAFvbpDNHQM5qCnRvv3fR2XNqnnN5pupS1h8pd/s320/IMG_20150523_105950349.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We had lunch at a seaside diner that had good seafood. After lunch we drove around some more, saw more sights and took more pictures. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Later that evening, just about sunset, we had dinner at the wonderful seaside restaurant. This place had a wonderful outside dining area right on the water's edge with a long pier stretching out into the water. I took several pictures of the sunset that I'll post here.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEZ4GLS7uI-uYefi55lb-EcUK3b-GkFXKvyUGuQKshLiSRJFLyoj6MSM4xBNuYQr1Q3U-Xv02ZhzDKw_FZS9fKiK5nANE9AzUSwJmUYh_H-VeJmSAn5HGl6h-T1ajI6eU3a3OY0H7lF0i0/s1600/IMG_20150523_200727463.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEZ4GLS7uI-uYefi55lb-EcUK3b-GkFXKvyUGuQKshLiSRJFLyoj6MSM4xBNuYQr1Q3U-Xv02ZhzDKw_FZS9fKiK5nANE9AzUSwJmUYh_H-VeJmSAn5HGl6h-T1ajI6eU3a3OY0H7lF0i0/s320/IMG_20150523_200727463.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sunset</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">T and I walked out on the pier an tried to take a selfie of us with the sun setting behind us. They did come out very well, but a woman at a near by table came over ans offered to take the pictures for us. I thought that was nice. It always made be smile because this woman was a lot like K. Where ever we travel, K always offers to take pictures of gay couples trying to take selfies. I think she just likes helping out the gays. These pictures came out really good too but T won't let me post his picture on the blog so you will just have to imagine.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The next morning T and I got up early to see the sunrise. I really wanted to go and T was going only because I begged him to come with me. With the perfect weather, the sunrise was totally stunning. One of the most beautiful I have seen in a long time. I think that T was not prepared for how beautiful it was. Recently he got a new phone and until that morning, I don't think he had used the camera. He took over 250 pictured of he sunrise.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just before the sun broke the horizon.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">New day has begun</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My footprints are the barefoot ones. T was wearing his flip-flops</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We walked on the nearly empty beach for about a two hours (sometimes even holding hands). It was wonderful.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Later that morning, T and his mother and sister were going shopping. i was invited, but I elected to stay behind. I returned to the beach. By this time it was about 10:30am. People were jogging up and down the beach. People were fishing into the surf. There was not a crowd at the beach by any means. It was the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend, and beach has people on it, but the were so few, it was easy to find a spot with no one else. It was nice to just sit, watch the surf and think.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know someone will be wondering about the sleeping arrangements. T and I slept on the couches in the little living room. These were non-pull out couches and we did not try to sleep in one together.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At the end of the trip, T and I are not boyfriends. We did not get back together. If fact the romantic part of our relationship may have drifted further apart. Having said that, I also think our friendship grew stronger. A little more we have let go of Me and T the couple and embraced Me and T best friends forever. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I will always love him, just as he will always love me.</span><br />
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<br />jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-88472443595987209912015-05-05T21:40:00.001-04:002015-05-05T21:46:16.578-04:00The Cruise and The Beach<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9RqKOHKLCIm8Qzt4ESRvOrJJjk4cmvSqCN5wlOaVc5chdJqPUCSO2KD16uUwqKMxGAIidN3KJnT93I0wyO5VVfh05cs1-RLe6kLsY2zLkhv09gJIJNMdJnlzAzVjL13dUD6WeLf8nN2pj/s1600/Autobell.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">K and AJ are on a cruise this week. They left on Saturday and they will be back next Saturday. That means that I have the kids all week by myself. The kids have a lot of stuff going on this week, which is stressing me out. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want to go on a cruise, but I have no one to go with. It's too expensive to go alone and I don't think I would have fun alone anyway. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">T might go with me...... if he was not working so much. Maybe in a few years when he gets his business sorted out we can take a short one. K and the kids would go with me. While that might be fun, it's not the romantic getaway that I am hoping for.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, rather than thinking too much about it, I have started to think about the trip to the beach with T and his family. They have booked a house that is not on the beach, but is very close to it. I am very excited. I love the beach. I can walk the beach for hours. I can sit in the sand and listen to the surf for hours. I don't know what the sight seeing plan for the weekend is, but I know at night, I will walk to the beach and listen to the surf. I am hoping T will want to come with me. I would really love it if he did.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIZcoKvwf3W6bL0Pnc0BVdVxUDGLCe7TEDz6gHcOkGKxo6QSObEElAacPbT8dIVca8WSrP8h9vQWvHwXgVCQ7vE1bXriBPJ1HS5pHPBIWS_4Y28z8CW_0CoGOCVBewMMv0aR82BZl3Doif/s1600/watching+a+sunset.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIZcoKvwf3W6bL0Pnc0BVdVxUDGLCe7TEDz6gHcOkGKxo6QSObEElAacPbT8dIVca8WSrP8h9vQWvHwXgVCQ7vE1bXriBPJ1HS5pHPBIWS_4Y28z8CW_0CoGOCVBewMMv0aR82BZl3Doif/s1600/watching+a+sunset.png" height="204" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I will also get up one morning and be on the beach for sunrise. There is nothing like seeing the sun come up over the ocean. Maybe T will come with me for that too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know that T and I will not emerge from this trip boyfriends. As much as my heart wants that, my mind knows that it will not work out. T does too. To have him again would mean I would have to give up some of the most important things that I want out of my gay life. I would have to give up having a real partner. I would have to give up getting married again. I would have to give up sleeping next to the man I love every night. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But for now, I am going to push that all to the side. I am going to look forward to this trip. I am going to treasure the memories that we will build together. I am going to have a good time. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmwL_FAGbtiNqbI_sTRxa0N6f9SDRkQD4XPPNf0vGGuZ-gmQZL6d-lHlf_LsmshWNO3BliiZ_i5Vjh4hsbImlmGDC3rLsbBsyPPkgO-mN-z1NW3Qjvd5aiRjg_egjylD7o-ERsRnm6h_M2/s1600/423081799_f415fa94ce_b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmwL_FAGbtiNqbI_sTRxa0N6f9SDRkQD4XPPNf0vGGuZ-gmQZL6d-lHlf_LsmshWNO3BliiZ_i5Vjh4hsbImlmGDC3rLsbBsyPPkgO-mN-z1NW3Qjvd5aiRjg_egjylD7o-ERsRnm6h_M2/s1600/423081799_f415fa94ce_b.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am going to have my time on the beach with the surf. </span><br />
<br />jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-28394765408659717772015-04-28T20:33:00.001-04:002015-04-28T20:33:18.064-04:00Theme Park in the Rain<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB38fyCxO68VHrT1aeZQ0OYs9_OrPD-rykdqbn-C_LrkVSjitmjMs5X9EuEpSl6S36e0uIze4wqOGeAEEmsHtw4iY2JMkL1pGj6kd-UD73j3aA13s3nW50E-ngux2lHrEnFVIvvK_em6NL/s1600/Intimidator149.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB38fyCxO68VHrT1aeZQ0OYs9_OrPD-rykdqbn-C_LrkVSjitmjMs5X9EuEpSl6S36e0uIze4wqOGeAEEmsHtw4iY2JMkL1pGj6kd-UD73j3aA13s3nW50E-ngux2lHrEnFVIvvK_em6NL/s1600/Intimidator149.jpg" height="143" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last year I took the kids to a local theme park for the day. It was October so were not a lot of people there and the lines were all really short. We had a GREAT time together!! Even my 10 year old daughter went on the tallest roller-coaster in the place. (And this place has a lot of coasters)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Since we had so much fun, it was not surprising that when spring came around they all asked to go again. Now that all the kids are big enough to ride everything, it made sense to look at season passes. A season pass cost about the same a 2 single day tickets, so I figured it would be worth it. If I only go twice, I will break even on the cost of the passes.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This past Saturday I woke to a rainy day. My son had baseball practice, which got canceled. My daughter had football practice, which was also canceled. Suddenly, we did not have that much to do for the day. It was not raining that hard, more of a heavy mist.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then I saw on Facebook one of the guys on my kickball team (Danny) was at the theme park with his boyfriend (David) and David's kids. I have known David for a about a year and I texted him. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Me: Hi David. I see you are at the Park. How is it?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">David: It's awesome!! There are no lines for anything. You might want an umbrella though.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So without any advanced planing, I packed up the kids that wanted to go and we headed down the road. Since we have the passes, I figured the worst thing that happens is it is raining too hard and we go home. I would only be out the cost of gas. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It turned out to be an awesome day. It was not raining that hard, but the weather was dreary enough to keep most people at home. There were no lines for anything!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">About half way through the day I spotted David, Danny and the kids walking past where I was sitting. We chatted with them for a while and then we basically merged our groups together. We all hung out together for about an hour or so. The whole time I was watching Danny and David. They have only been together about 6 months, but it was clear there were in love with each other. It was awesome seeing two guys in love with each other doing "normal" family things with each other and the kids. It is EXACTLY what I wanted for me and T. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we were still boyfriends we would occasionally go out with my kids. Usually to dinner and then a movie. Or a movie and ice cream. I always treasured those times, because I had my boyfriend and my kids together at the same time. Everyone was happy and getting along well. It was just what I wanted for myself after K and I broke up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Watching David and Danny just being together, made me feel a little sad, but also hopeful at the same time.</span><br />
<br />jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-10516353105269124212015-04-26T12:26:00.000-04:002015-04-26T12:26:05.765-04:00Vacation and the Persistence of the Trurh<div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-IpQ2kubt0vnoub9lAf5i4ebqgCErlNUlkrW9XNqiFcSvnqSwk-aEnuzPZ58UpXiqDN6_kVRO5KV1fhmtBgmoWd-rgmHqJzGFgdOFXKkRSE5fguzitV87Bm5cVSvlDRXW578zgQrd_y7q/s1600/beach.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-IpQ2kubt0vnoub9lAf5i4ebqgCErlNUlkrW9XNqiFcSvnqSwk-aEnuzPZ58UpXiqDN6_kVRO5KV1fhmtBgmoWd-rgmHqJzGFgdOFXKkRSE5fguzitV87Bm5cVSvlDRXW578zgQrd_y7q/s1600/beach.jpg" height="200" width="320" /></a></div>
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Something extraordinary happened this week. Well, two things actually.</span><div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. T is taking a few days off from work to go one a long weekend get away.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. T invited me to come along. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WOW! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">T usually works on weekends. Well, he usually works all the time. He is going to close is office for several days over the Memorial Day weekend and take a trip with his family. One of his sisters is taking her boyfriend along. T invited me. How cool it that?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think it is very cool. In the more than seven years I have known him, I have not had 3 days with him. Three full days, and nights. Yes, his family will be there and it's not exactly going to be a romantic getaway, but I don't really care. Just to be with him will be great.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As much a I want to it be so, I know I am not going as his boyfriend. In fact, several days after I got the invite, T reminded me that I need to find a boyfriend. My feelings for him make that difficult. I am still in love with him and that will never change. (More on that later)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I told K that I was going on this trip. She was immediately irritated about it. Partly because she goes to an event every Memorial Day weekend and she just assumed I would be around to watch the kids. Me being gone will kind of mess that up for her. The other part is, she thinks I should not be talking to T at all. She thinks maintaining my close relationship with him is preventing me from moving on. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She is right. I know that. Blog readers have told me that. T has told me that I need to find someone else. But at the end of the day, the truth is I am still in love with him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know that he is unable (or unwilling) to have the relationship with me (or anyone) that I want and need, but I am still in love with him. I know that he works all the time and even thought he wants to, he will not be able to make that better any time soon, but I am still in love with him. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes, I have met other people, like the Chef. Things did not work out with the Chef mostly because we were not really a match. Now, I think the issues we had could have been worked out if I really put effort into it. But the reality is, I did not want to. My heart was elsewhere.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is the persistent truth about my reality.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilIVgxR9NZJ-x3ILH52RPDDD-fsEHYSozeaqsLtcG5GeKJGgBMNg3yF1q7VPB2VmZ6wEpQQqP1Dzx5gKvVVOfbQKCFhlY7jZ3NljotoXtV_ZnSCbr9WzyUQPboEbS-qXvwYzA6GrTdEkVw/s1600/max_rain_window.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilIVgxR9NZJ-x3ILH52RPDDD-fsEHYSozeaqsLtcG5GeKJGgBMNg3yF1q7VPB2VmZ6wEpQQqP1Dzx5gKvVVOfbQKCFhlY7jZ3NljotoXtV_ZnSCbr9WzyUQPboEbS-qXvwYzA6GrTdEkVw/s1600/max_rain_window.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can't have T, but I can't let him go. He is important to me and I know I am important to him. He is one of my oldest friends. He IS my most persistent friend. Despite all the demands on his time, he is always someone I can talk to about anything that is on my mind. I value him and his friendship greatly. I love him and I never want to have him out of my life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Never.</span></div>
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jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-56933614935905157842015-04-14T00:32:00.000-04:002015-04-14T00:32:58.847-04:00A Very Gay Day<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sunday was one of the gayest days I have ever had.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I got up and met the Chef for coffee. I had not heard from him in weeks and he texted me on Saturday. He said he needed someone to talk to and asked if I could meet him for coffee. Our last conversation did not leave us on the best of terms, so I asked what he wanted to talk about. "I am having some family drama." was his reply.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYgj6ZQphc__XfAC_dZYmk6vgz_-m0rYq0cBdS8QJmI-L5ZsyVmmMoT2sHweQpPeyax2r7Sg8SH6LvI424pAlFD8dbzdl-5QRGVPG6fo3G2VJYUpRXJTMyGyaUrObP01XfDLMSF8nAG2VB/s1600/Coffee-espressso-10.2.14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYgj6ZQphc__XfAC_dZYmk6vgz_-m0rYq0cBdS8QJmI-L5ZsyVmmMoT2sHweQpPeyax2r7Sg8SH6LvI424pAlFD8dbzdl-5QRGVPG6fo3G2VJYUpRXJTMyGyaUrObP01XfDLMSF8nAG2VB/s1600/Coffee-espressso-10.2.14.jpg" height="214" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I agreed to meet him at a Starbucks about half way between his house and mine. After some small talk, he started to tell me about his drama. Apparently his adult daughter's mother (his first ex-wife) has a new boyfriend and that is causing friction between them. He explained the whole story and I listened patiently, sometimes asking questions. When he was done, he asked me for my advice. What did I think he should do?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well I told him what I thought I would do in that situation. We talked for a while longer, and then we said our good byes.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ1S1UESOnH3rl9VTFkdSx9BRfIZTQbcnVe_O10oOTmICqebSUP-q7LRKAH1loIbQl-NCoPhDF87-Na0yqHZWOB9ryrsATFScoC36W7a8t3JCZEVz49j-GZLmmcsmWjmfQFo2MaKE2iwYa/s1600/Summer-Kickball-Week.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ1S1UESOnH3rl9VTFkdSx9BRfIZTQbcnVe_O10oOTmICqebSUP-q7LRKAH1loIbQl-NCoPhDF87-Na0yqHZWOB9ryrsATFScoC36W7a8t3JCZEVz49j-GZLmmcsmWjmfQFo2MaKE2iwYa/s1600/Summer-Kickball-Week.jpg" height="210" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After that I was off to my gay kickball league. We has a game scheduled at 1:15. The other team was bunch of guys who always wear wigs during the game. Some of the wigs are costume type wigs. Bright colors and some that obviously looked like yarn rather than hair. Others looked natural and until they took them off after the game, I might not have known they were wigs. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My team is not as crazy and we don't do crazy costumes. But my team is REALLY gay. Everyone is gay and everyone is very open about it. Even though I am more reserved myself, I feel very comfortable with the group. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the end, we lost to the guys wearing wigs.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIgwBpgRrkugZbupk8iEyIzY-fumUCT6090EM_9iUWWOFFGS9nM2UCxDTTydPKz-gNc4GQcIo6lNDXk5QGcZp1OWWczEw4bWxh5_gGuK-QJ7KCGO0oK1ouI65QXR0D1x6skEkiyKvDRH9k/s1600/guys+at+sunset.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIgwBpgRrkugZbupk8iEyIzY-fumUCT6090EM_9iUWWOFFGS9nM2UCxDTTydPKz-gNc4GQcIo6lNDXk5QGcZp1OWWczEw4bWxh5_gGuK-QJ7KCGO0oK1ouI65QXR0D1x6skEkiyKvDRH9k/s1600/guys+at+sunset.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After that, I was off to T's sister's house. Last Friday was T's birthday and his sister had moved into her own house. So it was kind of like a double party. T and his whole family were there. The food was excellent (as it always is) and I got to see some of his family that I do not see as much as I used to. Best of all I got to see T. We did not have a chance to spend a lot of time together, because he was busy entertaining his other guests. I understand that, I was just happy to see him. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So it was a big gay day. It was a lot of fun and I got to see my love, even if it was just watching him be a good host. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I need to meet up with him this week and take him out to a nice dinner for his birthday.</span>jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-81906181594212972362015-04-04T16:25:00.002-04:002015-04-04T16:25:17.105-04:00Listening to the Rain<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlxwwizU7gota6tOv8_Cx06cB03SueTJlNTFB1RUZMFeesLoD4cJo6sTnu8wiSNxIemIKeV9AcgjKJK35RRXFGml-dltwpwXv5uiTugOMWM3_xJfgL06Lo-nSvUlqyK7GTCM9T-hK-1vk6/s1600/Rain_outside_the_window_by_Maiwe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlxwwizU7gota6tOv8_Cx06cB03SueTJlNTFB1RUZMFeesLoD4cJo6sTnu8wiSNxIemIKeV9AcgjKJK35RRXFGml-dltwpwXv5uiTugOMWM3_xJfgL06Lo-nSvUlqyK7GTCM9T-hK-1vk6/s1600/Rain_outside_the_window_by_Maiwe.jpg" height="320" width="226" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As I was getting into bed last night, I could hear it had started raining. It was raining hard. I could hear the sound of the rain pounding on the roof of my house. It must have been windy too as I could hear the rain drops hitting the windows next to the bed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is something about the rain that makes me feel romantic. I think maybe it is something deep within us left over from our caveman days. When you are outside in the rain, you will almost always be cold to one level or another. I think our instincts tell us to huddle (or cuddle) together for warmth. It is a survival instinct. If you can find someone to share body heat with you and survive the night. If you are really lucky you might even get a chance to get started on the next generation. (Unless, of course, you are gay. Then it's just for the fun of it.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last night as I was listening to the rain, I was wishing I was not there by myself. I need to get back online and start looking again. There has to be someone out there who wants to be with me at night. I have been offline for most of the past year. I had been hoping that I could make things work with the Chef. We have been off and on for a year and I kept hoping we could find a way to work it out. But it's not going to happen. Our last conversations was pretty angry and I do not think I will ever hear from him again. It's just a well really. He was not good for me and I knew it all along. Since I am prone to wishful thinking, I was hoping something would change in him or me to make it better. It didn't. Aside from the way he acted toward me, I was not in love with him. He was nice to be around and I like talking to him, but I never had that "spark" feeling like I get when I am with T. Again, I was hoping it might develop over time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It didn't</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, part of me is getting used to being alone much of the time. Part of me is hating being alone so much. I am taking more time away from K's house and simply going home. I didn't used to do that. I used to stay over there, unless I had something else to do. If I had no plans, I would hang out over there, simply because I had nothing better to do.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now it's a little different. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I think it's important to establish with K and the kids that I have my own house and I go home when I am done doing what I need to do with the kids.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> If K is not working, I sometimes do not go over at all. I will go home directly after work and stay there for the evening. Sometimes I will go and hang out until they all sit down for dinner. Sometimes I stay and eat, but most of the time, that's when I go home and eat on my own. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When K is working I go until my daughter goes to be or about 9:00pm, which ever comes first. I am there to make sure they get their homework done and they are getting ready for school the next morning. I don't really want AJ doing that kind of thing unless it's absolutely necessary. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So when I go home, I sometimes sit around and watch TV. Sometimes I get on the treadmill while watching TV. I am usually just there alone. The past couple of nights my youngest son has been coming to my house for the night. I like that, but I don't push them one way or another.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Part of me is getting used to being home alone and even liking it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Part of me hates it as much as it always has.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Either way, I really wish there was someone there to snuggle with when it rains.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Time to get back on the horse and find my Prince Charming.</span><br />
<br />jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-40963901644725920782015-04-02T16:30:00.000-04:002015-04-02T16:30:23.266-04:00True Love Never Dies<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQxdjXaMDragZ2eLwuFjzK9K_psr8evdzmbwe6DvHiAACdmiLrW4UO-HKW7q05NcOn_jqBbveM8wxg9NZSnQykMGraHgfMtqFOjDMaInuHSXXtQEI1NrxQzxvFqWyW7Rn9VcYgKOz7YzKm/s1600/http:%2F%2F33.media.tumblr.com%2F19ed64ae07bc115ddd0d3f04eedd1f95%2Ftumblr_nevh989N7x1s0ru22o1_1280~01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQxdjXaMDragZ2eLwuFjzK9K_psr8evdzmbwe6DvHiAACdmiLrW4UO-HKW7q05NcOn_jqBbveM8wxg9NZSnQykMGraHgfMtqFOjDMaInuHSXXtQEI1NrxQzxvFqWyW7Rn9VcYgKOz7YzKm/s1600/http:%2F%2F33.media.tumblr.com%2F19ed64ae07bc115ddd0d3f04eedd1f95%2Ftumblr_nevh989N7x1s0ru22o1_1280~01.jpg" height="264" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When you love someone, I mean really love them deep in your heart, that kind of love does not go away. It does not fade over time and distance. It endures.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have that kind of love for T. No, nothing has changed about our situation. We are still "separated" and that probably will not change in the near term. (I am still hopeful in the long term.) We still communicate in one form or another every day. Texting many times a day. Calling a few times a week. Seeing each other in person, one every month or two. I would like it to be more, but we both have busy schedules.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjna_3Sm7-7iw9Nq0UDCrSAsjkOj1XTFtvHVW5X1y-aRXHQ5SC6txS96pV_5xZP0FssBJzxFWaQbgxaJd02z2ajh-0p9ZHGjdNG1rruvbu1OfDUeZYKXfid8xRYSayZ_hPZKpxxCsDxpG2r/s1600/http:%2F%2F38.media.tumblr.com%2F7f25d7462216bbcf99d5d7b940d33b48%2Ftumblr_nbpcisjc0x1sfizz6o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjna_3Sm7-7iw9Nq0UDCrSAsjkOj1XTFtvHVW5X1y-aRXHQ5SC6txS96pV_5xZP0FssBJzxFWaQbgxaJd02z2ajh-0p9ZHGjdNG1rruvbu1OfDUeZYKXfid8xRYSayZ_hPZKpxxCsDxpG2r/s1600/http:%2F%2F38.media.tumblr.com%2F7f25d7462216bbcf99d5d7b940d33b48%2Ftumblr_nbpcisjc0x1sfizz6o1_500.jpg" height="320" width="208" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We got together last night. I think this was the first time I saw him in more than 2 months. I might have been the longest stretch I have gone without seeing him since I met him just over seven years ago. We spent most of the evening together and I can tell you for sure, we still have the spark. There is still magic between us that I don't think can be duplicated with anyone else. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All day at work I was so happy to be going to see him that I could not keep the smile off my face. Monday, I had ordered a gift to be delivered to him at work yesterday afternoon. I got word it was delivered just a few hours before I was to see him. It took him a short while, but he figured out the anonymous gift was from me. I am pretty sure he liked it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we got together, my heart was so happy. He looked just as amazing as ever. Despite his complaining that he had gained 5 pounds, he looked stunning to me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am not going to get into the details of out evening, but suffice it to say it was wonderful. We had wide ranging conversations and other activities that we both enjoyed. When it was over, I drove him home, had a nice kiss good night and I left with happiness I had not felt in a long time. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjidTgJ33MjBKBzONEVj1JyU3Q-4NqXPcIh9NTkNX7SOUASQKvtGWMMknn2HNmPCOtqrJ3F3jjntyYCOHQfmW3KNg5PhgqYJzWfWivBxWzep5x1PtRdakK_ZIdVapGTdh_3p9JQ-MZ_n7Wz/s1600/http:%2F%2F37.media.tumblr.com%2Fd4a91e2df08a4d2e30ba296015ec415e%2Ftumblr_n6q5kvIeBE1qfqng7o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjidTgJ33MjBKBzONEVj1JyU3Q-4NqXPcIh9NTkNX7SOUASQKvtGWMMknn2HNmPCOtqrJ3F3jjntyYCOHQfmW3KNg5PhgqYJzWfWivBxWzep5x1PtRdakK_ZIdVapGTdh_3p9JQ-MZ_n7Wz/s1600/http:%2F%2F37.media.tumblr.com%2Fd4a91e2df08a4d2e30ba296015ec415e%2Ftumblr_n6q5kvIeBE1qfqng7o1_500.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here I am, the day after and I am still happy. There was a time when I would have become sad or disapointed, because after a nice evening, I was distracted by the dreams I had that may not come true. I do not have that today. Today I am basking in the love that I know we still share for each other, regardless of our other circumstances. </span><br />
<br />jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-18602647707295575602015-03-29T18:12:00.001-04:002015-03-29T18:12:41.034-04:00Balancing the Conflict to Clarity Ratio<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I started this blog back in 2009, I did it because I was in conflict and I wrote about it. I often wrote about the same thing more than once, but each time approaching it from a slightly different angle until I had sorted things out in my head. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then after K and I divorced, I started to have more clarity and less conflict. After T and I broke up, I started spending more time with the kids and that was a distraction for a while. I had an on again / off again relationship with the Chef which caused a bunch of conflict. I didn't have much of a urge to write about that. Probably because in my mind I knew it was never going to amount to anything I the long run anyway. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So even though there has been a bunch of stuff going on, there has not been a lot of movement, so there is not much to write about. Or at least not much I felt motivated to write about.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That is until recently. Some things have come up that are causing some changes in my life. I am not 100% sure they are good changes, but they are changes nonetheless. They are causing me to have more and more conflict and I am feeling the need to write about it. I don't know how long this new conflict will last before a reach a level of clarity where I stop writing again. I have a feeling that there will be more.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am noticing behavioral changes in myself. Maybe that's good, maybe it's not. I'm going to have to "talk" it out. Since I really don't have anyone to talk to, I will write about it here.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If anyone still reads this, you are welcome to some along if you like.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-39610602705513657262015-01-17T00:38:00.001-05:002015-01-17T00:39:51.546-05:00Listening To The Waves<div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH8pEMK3Nnkysx3ozqGeeyucCaRlr0gguhhN27YoAgyiOsbUsTdwl4_MHxZouxwuda8zI8SdG4pd0CuEp4Xs4FVojB-rAkpTRQLIYajy7k8E7ZqUtP_TLiu-v_5Rz4kkL1PLUxSPvM9BnJ/s2560/1421473083610.jpeg' onblur='try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}'><img border='0' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH8pEMK3Nnkysx3ozqGeeyucCaRlr0gguhhN27YoAgyiOsbUsTdwl4_MHxZouxwuda8zI8SdG4pd0CuEp4Xs4FVojB-rAkpTRQLIYajy7k8E7ZqUtP_TLiu-v_5Rz4kkL1PLUxSPvM9BnJ/s350/1421473083610.jpeg' style='display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;'/></a><br/>
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K has been coaching girls volleyball for almost as long as I have known her. She has coached high school, college and Junior Olympic teams over the years. Every MLK day weekend for the past 6 or 7 years she has taken a team to a large tournament at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. It a about 4 hours drive from where we live. I have never gone, mostly because watching her coach a bunch of girls I don't know is boring. This year my daughter is playing, so I made the trip.<br/>
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Right now I'm sitting on the balcony of my room on the 10th floor of the hotel right on the beach. It's just after midnight and I'm looking out into the darkness. I'm listening to the pounding surf and it's making me feel good. It's making me feel better. <br/>
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There is something soothing about listening to actual waves. (Not a wave simulator app). The actual sound of water crashing into the sand, makes me feel good. In the same way that a crackling fire makes me feel good.<br/>
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Tomorrow when the sun comes up it will be even nicer. Now all I can see is the darkness of the Atlantic Ocean. I can only see the water when the waves break and the hotel lights catch the white surf. <br/>
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It's like an old friend. It's helping me forget my loneliness. Forget the Chef and how he keep trying to get back into my life just to hurt me again. It does not help me forget T. In fact being here makes me miss T more. I would love to be here with him. He has ZERO tolerance for the cold so he would be watching the surf from inside the hotel room, not on the balcony. :-)<br/>
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Maybe next year I'll have someone to share this with me. Fore this trip, I'll share it with my daughter and she will always remember going to beach in the winter with Daddy.</div>jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-52656085634083582922015-01-04T16:47:00.001-05:002015-01-04T16:50:48.186-05:00I Needed Some Spoons<div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik8PTniWX00r0xVNePcvl0rmVvoTfBlMcme-RfZQzuNph69-L1t42HWAKaomWbrNq6VULC9SttqUMLaeBxCssvOmZ-YpeRpS2HnOW-5MYFAMB2z3i5rcdlBc0btoe7nfoDhezuhxSS4iCa/s2560/1420408032787.jpeg' onblur='try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}'><img border='0' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik8PTniWX00r0xVNePcvl0rmVvoTfBlMcme-RfZQzuNph69-L1t42HWAKaomWbrNq6VULC9SttqUMLaeBxCssvOmZ-YpeRpS2HnOW-5MYFAMB2z3i5rcdlBc0btoe7nfoDhezuhxSS4iCa/s350/1420408032787.jpeg' style='display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;'/></a><br/>
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My roommate moved out at the beginning of December. He told me around the middle of November he would be moving in with his girlfriend. I was happy for him and sad for me. He was a really good roommate. For a straight guy he was VERY gay friendly. While were we not buddies, we did chat on the rare times we were home together. He was respectful of my house and did a good job cleaning up after himself. My daughter really loved his dog. I was pretty spoiled. Now I have to go find another roommate. I don’t NEED to. I can pay my bills myself, but I kinda got used to that extra money coming in every month.<br/>
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This weekend I was looking for a spoon to stir my coffee, but they were all dirty. I’m not home that much so I don’t run the dishwasher. Then I counted my spoons. I thought I had more than that. Where the hell did they all go?<br/>
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Well, I went online to Amazon.com, where I shop for nearly everything I need first to see what they have. They had several sets and some of them were pretty nice. I don’t need nice. I like utility. I like simple and functional. I do not pay extra for ornate designs on my spoons. That said, I decided that I would like a matched set of spoons, forks and knives. The ones I have are a mix of ones I have collected over the years. I honestly can’t remember how I collected them all.<br/>
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On Amazon I found a basic set that I liked and it was at a good price. I read through the comments and it seemed most people liked them. There was one review however that said this set was available a less that half price at IKEA, if I was able to go to a store. There is a store about 30 min away. What luck!! <br/>
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I headed down with my youngest son and my middle son. I think they just wanted to get out of the house, but it turned out that we had a lot of fun looking at all the stuff. <br/>
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While I enjoyed the time shopping with my sons, I could not help but notice all the couples shopping together. Holding hands, looking at stuff for the homes they shared together. Most of the ones I noticed were the younger couples. The ones without kids. The ones that seems to still be in that “honeymoon” stage. Mostly it was straight couples, but there were a few gay couples too. <br/>
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I did not pine over this. It did not spoil my afternoon out with my boys, but it was yet another reminder of what I want so badly for myself. At the moment, I have no prospects. The only people who seems to be interested in me are crazy people, and it seems even they are not interested anymore. <br/>
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I had a lot of family time this Christmas season. It was mostly nice. I was not sad or depressed about my single status. I have tried to have fun with the kids. We saw several movies, both a home and in the theater. My youngest son got a small radio controlled airplane that was surprisingly easy for him to fly. We went to a nearby ball field many times to fly it. They were short trips (the battery only last about 10 min) but it was quality time spent with him. <br/>
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<a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdkfOTIJ6vVC1Cm5UxuKiMXMB4sGpbM68JVAbXF2FXJQ9PCMQGmZbw_F-aMd_JlJTT3XySbcypO1KdOk6UxPjknedMIybkoU6YX6FvPFWmpK_-tMp72TsveVgap_NxTteJYvylnYipGCZN/s2560/1420408035590.jpeg' onblur='try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}'><img border='0' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdkfOTIJ6vVC1Cm5UxuKiMXMB4sGpbM68JVAbXF2FXJQ9PCMQGmZbw_F-aMd_JlJTT3XySbcypO1KdOk6UxPjknedMIybkoU6YX6FvPFWmpK_-tMp72TsveVgap_NxTteJYvylnYipGCZN/s350/1420408035590.jpeg' style='display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;'/></a><br/>
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I was able to see T a couple of times over the holidays. Our relationship is in a good place and I think we are more comfortable with each other and where we stand. I still love him deeply and I always will. Every time I see him, my happiness level goes way up. I think that is because I have fully accepted his limitations and I no longer have the wishful thinking that caused me so much stress. Now we are free to simply enjoy being together as close friends. <br/>
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Today is the last day of the holiday. K and AJ have gone away for the day. I am here with them at her house, trying to get things back into the normal routine as school starts again tomorrow.<br/>
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I think January will be a planning month for me. I am going to work hard to control what I eat so I can really start losing weight. I am going to clean out my house, and either get another roommate or get it ready to sell so I can find a smaller place. I have a trip to England planned at the end of the month and when I am back from that, I will start taking a more active role in my dating life. I’ll talk more about that in another post.</div>jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-49781190567231705002014-12-06T20:39:00.001-05:002014-12-06T20:47:30.663-05:00Luck has Nothing To Do With It<div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhteidHIbq2Vuiea4aYLbXbza63y3CGbSY2e0l1kOjvdRx4bM85cKr1Zav2lp0gmSxwGQoBt2bjrao0FVHqwEbJMaNe8DXvungq6fi9b08es32xuxkad2xtNOdj_RrgkC2umsoaoPsmlwWy/s2560/1417916346879.jpeg' onblur='try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}'><img border='0' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhteidHIbq2Vuiea4aYLbXbza63y3CGbSY2e0l1kOjvdRx4bM85cKr1Zav2lp0gmSxwGQoBt2bjrao0FVHqwEbJMaNe8DXvungq6fi9b08es32xuxkad2xtNOdj_RrgkC2umsoaoPsmlwWy/s350/1417916346879.jpeg' style='display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;'/></a><br/>
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I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. (Well, my US readers anyway) My mother came to visit me. Also my uncle (my mom's brother) and his wife came too. My mother was here about a week. My aunt and uncle were here for 2 days.
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The morning my uncle was leaving for home, I met them breakfast with my mother. The topic of my relationship with K, AJ and the kids. Granted it is unusual. Its not every gay man who is welcome in his ex-wife's house all the time. AJ commented on it again when I showed up there on the morning and he made me a cup of coffee. He mentioned how strange it was for a man to by making coffee for his wife's ex-husband.
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Over and over I have said it. It's fucked up, but it works.
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My aunt & uncle and my mother kept telling me that I had done a great job. That my relationship with the kids seemed excellent. My relationship with their mother was very good too. My uncle mentioned at one point that I was lucky things were so harmonious. I agreed to a point. I as luck that K was not hostile, like many ex-wives can be.
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The more I thought about it, it really had nothing to do with luck at all. I worked my ass off over 6 years to get these relationships where they are. It took a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice.
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My uncle does not know I have a blog so he has not followed my struggle over the past several years. He does not know how I stressed about making the divorce as painless for K and kids as I could.
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He does not see the countless hours I spend at K's house with the kids to keep the relationship with my kids as good as it can be. The do not call AJ "dad" because I am there all the time. I still give my daughter a hug most nights before she goes to sleep. On the mornings when K is working over night at the hospital, I get up early so I can wake my daughter up and get her ready for school.
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I have sacrificed a lot of time that I should have used for myself. I could have been building relationship with other people. Maybe I would have had more time to find a boyfriend. Or just spend more time with the few friends I have. It just might have been more fun.
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But I choose a different path. Even though I am out of the closet, I still live the life of a family man. Nothing is free. I have a great relationship with my kids, but I am lonely as hell the rest of the time.
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The Chef tells me I need to spend more time for myself. He says I am not getting any younger. He says that my kids will always be my kids and I don't need to worry about them as much as I do. He says that no matter what I do, the kids will not drift away from me. I am not sure I want to take that chance.</div>jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-42771016191343241422014-11-22T00:23:00.001-05:002014-11-22T00:33:26.794-05:00Stuck<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi19kgrps8Qv-OmPbZiKe98bZDS_AC-jWrU0WA2UxxOGq6EQR4bRIEFzHzQSE7fX0rkT_Xf-0yaYh3fQASIWUtyOmc7IophoPiNKYmGjWZKyjg875Kwyl0upH2iCrn8G9wy9iDopO2Jt-pD/s1600/kajdfhlkajdsf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi19kgrps8Qv-OmPbZiKe98bZDS_AC-jWrU0WA2UxxOGq6EQR4bRIEFzHzQSE7fX0rkT_Xf-0yaYh3fQASIWUtyOmc7IophoPiNKYmGjWZKyjg875Kwyl0upH2iCrn8G9wy9iDopO2Jt-pD/s1600/kajdfhlkajdsf.jpg" height="196" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can't decide with metaphor to use. Stuck in a rut or stuck in the spin cycle. Either way I feel like I am stuck. I am not doing much beside working, hanging out with my kids, and sleeping. I am not making much progress on my search for love.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want to write about it more often. I need to get back to that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">T and I are still in contact. We talk once or twice a week and text daily. We have worked ourselves into a good place... at least as it relates to each other. He has been working a lot so it has been difficult for me to see him in person.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have not been actively working my dating profile. I did hear from a guy in neighboring state. He seemed like a nice guy. The more I talked to him, however, the more I got the feeling he was looking to relocate to my city and needed a place to stay. No thank you.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I also started talking to another guy. He is a nice guy and while I could be friends with him, he is not someone I want to date.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been talking to the Chef. I had coffee with him the other day and we text most every day. I am not getting involved with him. Just talking. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I spend too much time at K's house with the kids. I know I do it, but honestly I have nothing better to do with my time. I figure if I have nothing better to do, I may as well keep working on my relationship with my kids. I know it's not healthy for me. I know that I am not getting any younger. I know I need to do more things for myself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I feel like I am so busy. I feel like I am running and running all the time. I feel like I don't have time for myself. I know that I could make it if I wanted to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But for now, I'm stuck in my rut.</span><br />
<br />jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-4467741322007218192014-10-04T00:25:00.001-04:002014-10-04T00:29:39.138-04:00Birthday Depression<div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'>Hi. I don’t know if you remember me, I have not really been around much. Part of the reason I have not been writing much, is that I used to write on my computer at home. When I am at K’s house with the kids or someplace else, I usually have my phone or my tablet, but I rarely have the computer. Touch screens are not great for writing, so I have not written much. When the blog started I used to write almost every day. After any while, it seems like a lot has happened and I would need to write a lot to get everyone caught up.<br/>
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I think it might be time to revive the blog and see what happens.<br/>
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And yes, today is my birthday.<br/>
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To get you caught up:<br/>
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I gave the Chef another chance. There was a part of him I really liked and he was interested in me (which in itself is attractive) so I tried to see if we could make a go of it. It was going pretty good most of the time.<br/>
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I took a trip with the kids in August to back to where I grew up. We spend a five days in the woods and off the grid. We had campfire, a lake, kayaks and fishing. We all loved it and had a great time. The we spent some time with K’s family. That was OK too. Kids had some cousin time and I chilled out. My in-laws are nice to me even though I am no longer married to their daughter.<br/>
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Ten days after returning from vacation, I had to take an 11 day trip to England for work. It was short notice and a lot trip. Some friend took we into the London to see the tourist sights in the day time. By night we went to the gay bars in Soho. That was a lot of fun, though I would not want to do that all the time. That evening is worthy of a separate blog entry of it’s own.<br/>
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While I was in England the Chef felt neglected. He felt like I was being selfish for not staying in touch with him enough. He said a lot of other nasty stuff and at that point I was done with him. We fought and broke up forever over text message while I was 3,500 miles away. I really felt he burned the bridge so badly, I was not even interested in being his friend anymore.<br/>
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I met a guy 2 weeks ago on Match.com. We actually had 3 dates, but I think that is as far as we will go. He was nice and really easy to talk to. After the 3rd date, this past Monday, He has kind of gone silent. I reached out a with some test messages, and got one or two word replies. Yeah, I can take a hint.<br/>
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All the time I have been keeping up with T. While I still love him the same, I no longer have the longing for him that I had for so long. I would still love to be with him again, but I have accepted that it is not to be.<br/>
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Which brings me to today. I turn 46 today and I am not really in the mood to be celebrating. In fact the whole thing is pretty depressing. Yes, I have and good job and great kids and I'm grateful for that. I really am. But at the same time I hate being alone. I hate there is no one who cares for me and no one I can care for. <br/>
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Its wearing on me and I don't like it.</div>jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-50293984944999968922014-07-27T10:46:00.000-04:002014-07-27T10:46:14.575-04:00Love, Vision and Walking The Path<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: yellow; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>(Author's note: When I started this I had a clear idea of what I wanted to say, but then it turned in more of a stream of consciousness. Bear with me...)</i></span></div>
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T is starting to actually meet a few people he has met online in the real world. So far he has not made a connection with any of them for various reasons. He continues to look.</span><div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have refreshed my profile on Match.com and some people are looking at it. No one has written yet, but I have not taken any affirmative steps either. Well, I did write to this one guy I was supposed to meet 2 years ago when T and I briefly broke up. He did write back and I am supposed to meet him tonight. He seems nice and we will see how it goes. I don't really have high hopes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is hard and a pain in the ass on a good day. But something has been making it much harder for me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I cannot help but think it's very hard to look at dating others, when you already know who your true love is.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I believe in true love. I believe there is someone for everyone. I believe in soul mates. I think that I know who my true love is. I know the person I supposed to be with. So why am I talking to other people?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes, this is my heart talking. While my brain "clicked" last week and said it was ready to move on, my heart has given my brain a big "fuck you!!"</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPneeEoxk7eIDcqNiiNB7sfU8qwyNUWpAMEejBFh6anIE9sipvsVQ7b_JxNVl1325gZoYAPYbNnZAj4_A70GDDLaH3fDPjBg-N1XKi3LDsPJJVFXU6NYOPsqywFE8c2P2qGnqsH2Vfz0jA/s1600/Wedding122323.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPneeEoxk7eIDcqNiiNB7sfU8qwyNUWpAMEejBFh6anIE9sipvsVQ7b_JxNVl1325gZoYAPYbNnZAj4_A70GDDLaH3fDPjBg-N1XKi3LDsPJJVFXU6NYOPsqywFE8c2P2qGnqsH2Vfz0jA/s1600/Wedding122323.jpg" height="243" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On a separate</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> but related topic:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A guy from my fraternity got married yesterday. He is not someone I know well, but as many of the fraternity guys, we are all friends on Facebook. His wedding appeared to be a large affair. Many of his friends starting posting pictures of it last night.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This guy is a young good looking guy. His partner (now husband) is a little older but not a lot. He just finished law school and he is already a very busy attorney. He goes out a lot. He has a lot of friends and a man who ardors him. They go on vacations together and do all kinds of things together. He kind has the life I want (except he has no kids...yet).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But as I was looking at the pictures on Facebook I kept thinking the same thing over and over.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What good is doing all the stuff I say I want to do, if I cannot share it my the man I love? I have (or used to have) a man who fulls my heart with love. Even now, I cannot picture a future for myself where he is not with me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How are these things related? If I have a true love, maybe I can (and should) alter my vision of my future. T is a workaholic, but he will not work forever. He will eventually retire and have a lot of time on his hands. He is not one of these guys who will be working as a doctor into his old age. He has a plan to retire long before then. Oddly enough, it will be about the time my daughter is off to college. He will have extra time and so will I. I won't be able to retire then, but that's okay.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The other thing I thought of, is time. One thing the Chef showed me is what it would be like to be with someone with a LOT of extra time on his hands. The Chef has one child who is grown and moved away. He looks after his mother, but she is largely self sufficient</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> despite her advanced age. So the Chef, has a lot of time on his hands. Once he finishes work, there is not much more for him to do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Chef liked seeing me, and was often frustrated by my lack of time for him. I was always doing something, usually with the kids. Not that we didn't get to see each other, but it was not enough for his liking. Today we are friends, nothing more. I think he might like more, but I really am not interested in anything beyond friendship with him. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As I re-enter this online dating thing, I worry I will meet someone I like and get attached, only to have him leave because I do not have enough time for him. That was never an issue with T.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJybVVt8xglAcZlRcZEup6OFCoML5dl1AfqHpg4cjqQUs2lGsdsWvObMc2K4rWg7GuAjGDEGECX2kSyaPOHTDc_UJFh1LKkgyWcftMh6ZkvWrB_9Ako8CzqvGkfaH6Z5hm3wnQNti23LL0/s1600/vision-future-sign.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJybVVt8xglAcZlRcZEup6OFCoML5dl1AfqHpg4cjqQUs2lGsdsWvObMc2K4rWg7GuAjGDEGECX2kSyaPOHTDc_UJFh1LKkgyWcftMh6ZkvWrB_9Ako8CzqvGkfaH6Z5hm3wnQNti23LL0/s1600/vision-future-sign.jpg" height="200" width="133" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My life with T was not perfect. There was a lot about it that did not fit into the vision I had for myself. But maybe I am putting the cart before the horse. Maybe I need to scrap that vision and look at what is in front of me. Maybe I need a new vision. Maybe I need to develop that vision WITH someone else rather then expecting someone to conform to my vision. A couple in love develops a vision together, but the love comes first. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Love first, vision (developed together) comes later. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is where I went wrong with T. I tried to shoehorn him into my vision of what I wanted in my life. Rather than us developing a shared vision of the future together, I tried to convince him my vision was better. I tried to convince him he would be happy in my vision and I did not consider his vision (or at least not enough). So rather than cooperating on our SHARED vision, I continued to bang my head against the wall with frustration when he did not conform to mine. I was a fool.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_AEaHSAomBHrmB7UIuhxrl5Y9L5Uh_AjkmJULA_9hvo6IS_b-94OpWpLeB7mlM_sW1atkyOk_ZNOvsIkg60Nljox8ss4M61BnQuxz2bUlItxzxj7Tv1t8jlLD3rsq0qW6FGfTOUiZ_OdM/s1600/Tmblr+couples_%257E137.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_AEaHSAomBHrmB7UIuhxrl5Y9L5Uh_AjkmJULA_9hvo6IS_b-94OpWpLeB7mlM_sW1atkyOk_ZNOvsIkg60Nljox8ss4M61BnQuxz2bUlItxzxj7Tv1t8jlLD3rsq0qW6FGfTOUiZ_OdM/s1600/Tmblr+couples_%257E137.jpg" height="320" width="217" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maybe if we had walked a shared path together, rather than me trying to pull him down my path, I would not have been so frustrated. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We both would have been happier.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maybe we would still be together...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">...and we could have found our happiness together.</span></div>
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jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-14461974547083755542014-07-18T21:11:00.000-04:002014-07-18T21:11:22.980-04:00You Are Doing It Again<div xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg4Vv4PLT4pDwwidACw4OWGu4vS26h7AVmer_-5aEQK46VI-L2_zO6gppLIiLwsye1kodMColaoISpX8pt4pow4qGvihGcMxTkv2vQmqTEh3S1wI3a1X51lnm8pBAZEjGNXL2FWt2yzdaM/s2560/1405731996407.jpeg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg4Vv4PLT4pDwwidACw4OWGu4vS26h7AVmer_-5aEQK46VI-L2_zO6gppLIiLwsye1kodMColaoISpX8pt4pow4qGvihGcMxTkv2vQmqTEh3S1wI3a1X51lnm8pBAZEjGNXL2FWt2yzdaM/s350/1405731996407.jpeg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><br />
<br />
About 25 years ago, I was dating this girl. We dated for about a year and a half and I asked her to marry me. She said yes. We were both still in college at the time. It was over Christmas break. She was graduating in May. I had one more year to go. (I was pursuing a double major and was going to take an extra year.) Over the summer we picked a date, told our parents and started to make plans.<br />
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By the end of the summer she had gotten a job and I was heading back to school. A couple of months into the semester and stress was starting to show. I did not see it at the time, but in hindsight, the signs were there. At the end of October she went to a costume party at the home of someone she worked with. Many of her work friends would be there too. She did not invite me, but I could not have gone anyway. I did not have a car on campus so I was stuck there.<br />
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The next day she we were talking on the phone and she sounded different. I asked her about it and she told me at the party, she had hooked up with another guy. She said they just kissed, but I never really believed that. She broke up with me there on the phone.<br />
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I was devastated. Totally did not see that coming. I simply could not imagine that was happening to me. I tried (and failed) to save the relationship. She agreed we could remain friends and that made me feel better. I did not realize at the time that was just something people say. Most people don't really mean it. <br />
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It was hard to keep in contact with her but her job was a manager of a large store in my town. I would see her in there sometimes and we would chat. Sometime she would tell me she was busy and shoo me away.<br />
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The last time I saw her she was not happy to see me at all. She yelled at me in the store. She told me to leave and she didn't want to see me anymore. She was very angry.<br />
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I shouted something back at her and stormed out of the store. I was furious, but something clicked in my brain. I knew I was never going to see her again. I no longer wanted to see her. Any happy thoughts I had about her were gone. And to this day, I do not think about her with any sort of fondness (if I think about her at all). I am no longer angry but there is a complete indifference to her memory. I really do not care what happened to her after the moment I walked out of that store and I still feel that way.<br />
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The reason I am telling this story is not about her, or about how I feel about her. This was a true story and she is NOT a metaphor for T, the Chef or anyone else.<br />
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The reason for the story is the click in my brain. The epiphany I had that cleared my mind. <br />
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That happened to me again yesterday. <br />
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I have been talking to T a lot over the past couple of week. I love him desperately and I always will. (As if you didn't already know.) I want to be with him and at this moment I do not care about the other difficulties or frustrations we had. I feel so perfectly happy and safe and loved when I am in his arms and I miss that feeling with all my heart. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBMJW6kiuuFbEup_g5SdfJPBkPNRL-azteSuGxgOp7hTF4IhR3RL1eW3jPGRspD-buGWl0Ej53-mzAC_PLkeUFf3FtOrA-7r0iiHDFZHSfN4NmVPyGZvSpfjRPtBHnsuXZxnHCr21YzFyU/s2560/1405731999312.jpeg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBMJW6kiuuFbEup_g5SdfJPBkPNRL-azteSuGxgOp7hTF4IhR3RL1eW3jPGRspD-buGWl0Ej53-mzAC_PLkeUFf3FtOrA-7r0iiHDFZHSfN4NmVPyGZvSpfjRPtBHnsuXZxnHCr21YzFyU/s350/1405731999312.jpeg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><br />
<br />
When we talk, he talks to me like a close friend. Like a family member. I know he loves me. He wants me to live my dreams and be happy. After the pain I put him through when we broke up, I am glad he is still talking to me. I am grateful he still cares about me and is willing to maintain a close friendship. I know he means that in his heart and its not just something he said.<br />
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Lately when I have been talking to him I would occasionally stray into talk about us being together again. About putting things back the way they were. Of course, this is not possible for many reasons. It has been eleven months since the break up and he does not want to get back together with me. He has healed the wound I caused and he has no interest in reopening it. Even if he did, he would forever be wondering when I would become frustrated and dump him again. So when I stray into that kind of talk, he would gently say, "Jim, you are doing it again."<br />
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But like a stale gag on a "Simpsons" episode I did not immediately take the hint. It would put me off for a couple of hours, maybe a day, but then I would be right back at him. He would say something nice and I would use it as an opportunity to get back into the crazy talk.<br />
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Last night was the last time. "Jim, you're doing it again." <br />
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Brain click.<br />
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Epiphany.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6w-rKD9kmrb8K5IFAlYWJJxxfjPUoZC21y0xOtyBfx6ypgHOwUAM6PAH6_mXEoxtW_mdqqYXaiLwxNkIW0waPeGNWiU7Nxbjb_ZX258Inrd5d4usItNCm4YCu1q4Wd7FheoB0Z0hUSrL4/s2560/1405731998182.jpeg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6w-rKD9kmrb8K5IFAlYWJJxxfjPUoZC21y0xOtyBfx6ypgHOwUAM6PAH6_mXEoxtW_mdqqYXaiLwxNkIW0waPeGNWiU7Nxbjb_ZX258Inrd5d4usItNCm4YCu1q4Wd7FheoB0Z0hUSrL4/s350/1405731998182.jpeg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><br />
<br />
I knew what he meant. At that moment any hope I had of T and I ever getting back together, evaporated. He would never be my boyfriend, or my partner. No matter how much I wanted it. It was never going to happen. <br />
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Click.<br />
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He was not like that girl from so many years ago. He was not mean or angry about it. He was not abrupt. He was gentle and loving because he knew I was hurting. He knew that I was having a heart ache like I had not felt before, but he also knew he was right.<br />
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Deep down..... so did I.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1oSqCzlJmQT9r8QlOhTc2lQU7l91IOGBcvCr-pWV3tuRqEmRk6xWAcRvhIDxGkgrHimTzNjTC2RbPScjcBpkNDGsJCUOYlWX27gtLFUAE0KUFEFKTpP9FGkPW9_YTXZupS5PVkweo5-SK/s2560/1405732000955.jpeg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1oSqCzlJmQT9r8QlOhTc2lQU7l91IOGBcvCr-pWV3tuRqEmRk6xWAcRvhIDxGkgrHimTzNjTC2RbPScjcBpkNDGsJCUOYlWX27gtLFUAE0KUFEFKTpP9FGkPW9_YTXZupS5PVkweo5-SK/s350/1405732000955.jpeg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><br />
<br />
I don't know what exactly I am going to do next. I think I need to take some time to find myself. I have been too long with my head up my ass and I need to get it out. I need to figure out what I want for me and then figure out how to get it.<br />
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I suppose that is the direction the blog will take for a while. Anyone who wants to come along for the ride is welcome.<br />
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<strike>-----------------------------</strike><br />
<br />
In other news, the Chef has apologized for the shit he said and wants to meet for coffee tomorrow. <br />
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That's a story for another day.<br />
<br /></div>
jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7657524303983911401.post-42017038279354051952014-07-16T00:42:00.000-04:002014-07-16T16:09:48.667-04:00Welcome To Fantasy Island<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9AOyqaBAmbq06M1m3PQOS2T3TVeqKtglKh7VVFNmxZSFyxnGLShCejH15uJvKNGJTUUhuLSF1U7qsx1syL3m2RlSyhIgBYrKSAgDaZ6FnYwexx6220s5yeIzXuVBLuxohVWupKVbTrKmO/s1600/D9680923-AE98-8278-263158EB61E43857.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9AOyqaBAmbq06M1m3PQOS2T3TVeqKtglKh7VVFNmxZSFyxnGLShCejH15uJvKNGJTUUhuLSF1U7qsx1syL3m2RlSyhIgBYrKSAgDaZ6FnYwexx6220s5yeIzXuVBLuxohVWupKVbTrKmO/s1600/D9680923-AE98-8278-263158EB61E43857.jpg" height="320" width="221" /></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Eleven months ago when I broke up with T, I was frustrated that he was not living up to my fantasy. He was not doing the things I wanted him to do. He was more attached to his family than he was to me and that was hard for me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was doing exactly what he said he would do. What he told be from the beginning he would do.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I broke up with him I was deeply in love him, as he was with me. There was a magic between us when we were together and an emptiness when we were apart. And we were apart much to much for my liking.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I kept hoping that he would live up to my fantasy. In many ways he did. In others he did not.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Eleven months later I am still in love with him. It took me 6 months to even think about looking for someone else to date. When I met someone, my feeling for him sabotaged that relationship.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKjPsFU6dJzPd3HeGVIxaLeTqn_i1Xj8JdxeOmvRshTTYaH6Bj_pFk4p17_Y8SaUYRwBNwemuZpfDi8osEpNcC1FqRSeoYbkPbruLEGbo2HV69daUwZQdDBcZoNPEY-tw6BahCpdOnGQ1N/s1600/20140716_000245_Android.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKjPsFU6dJzPd3HeGVIxaLeTqn_i1Xj8JdxeOmvRshTTYaH6Bj_pFk4p17_Y8SaUYRwBNwemuZpfDi8osEpNcC1FqRSeoYbkPbruLEGbo2HV69daUwZQdDBcZoNPEY-tw6BahCpdOnGQ1N/s1600/20140716_000245_Android.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> T thinks I was in love with the Chef and my old feelings for him only resurfaced when it seemed that the Chef was not going to work out. He says I "changed". I didn't. It started with the first lie.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wear this ring all the time. I never take it off. Not even to sleep or shower. The Chef asked me about it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"What's that ring you have there? It's nice. Does it have any special meaning?" he asked.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Naw. It's just something I bought online cause I liked it." was my truthful reply. I did, in fact, buy it online and I do like it. It was, however, what K would call, "a lie of omission." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I knew why he was asking the question. I knew what he wanted to know and I withheld that information. I failed to mention that I bought not one, but 2 rings. The second ring T wears on a chain around his neck, at least he used to. It is not a ring I bought simply to decorate my finger. I bought it a a symbol and a reminder of a specific love. I continue to wear it in recognition of that love. I never took it off the whole time I was seeing the Chef.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That was only the first lie. There were many others, like these:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Q: You are still friends with your ex? Do you still love him?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A: Well, I still care about him, but I don't love him anymore. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Q: How often do you talk to him?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A: Oh... we may exchange text messages a couple times a week. I might call him once or twice a month.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Q: What if his situation changed and he wanted you back? What would you do?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A: He had his chance with me. He could not get shit together so I am not really interested anymore.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lies, lies, lies.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am generally not a good liar. I am very transparent to people who know me well. K can spot it in 3 seconds and I am sure T would catch it just as fast. But the Chef did not know me that well so he never knew the difference. Except he did. He knew deep down that even though he was into me, I was distracted. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know I am starting to ramble a little (it's 12:45am) but the reason I am telling this is say I know that I am the cause of my own pain and frustration. T was honest and open. I let my fantasy get away with me and I was upset that he did not come along on my crazy train. Given it to do over again, I would not have broken up with him last year. I would have remembered that our love together made the frustration worth it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I also wanted to get out that my love for T has not changed over the past months.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There is something else. I am kind of getting used to being alone. I am not over powered by loneliness like I was before. I still get lonely, and I wish for T to be with me more, but I am not in the same place I was before. I think the 6 month I was alone before I started looking to date, probably did me some good.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP4acpnMOlDJ1Bjteufqjyluc1m5BVns3S4FeOyB6YCugFv2R1VsmBJk-MvlJUepalsMywIzLyUz9zEgZemRgE4NdpwwnIJYSJPzA7Jw5u4ax8V0FIBpHMovTrBK-3L8fLuKVtot12GIPW/s1600/keep-calm-i-m-over-you-2.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP4acpnMOlDJ1Bjteufqjyluc1m5BVns3S4FeOyB6YCugFv2R1VsmBJk-MvlJUepalsMywIzLyUz9zEgZemRgE4NdpwwnIJYSJPzA7Jw5u4ax8V0FIBpHMovTrBK-3L8fLuKVtot12GIPW/s1600/keep-calm-i-m-over-you-2.png" height="200" width="171" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All that said, T and I will not be getting back together for the simple fact that he is over me. It took him a while, but he has come to accept we will not be together. Once he reaches acceptance, he will not go back.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know he loves me a lot. I know we will always be close. But I don't think he is "in love" with me anymore. I think his heart is open for someone else at this point and he would not let me back in. He would be too scared I would leave again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can't say I blame him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>jimhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16886998354761882106noreply@blogger.com0