2010 ... A New Beginning ... ?

So this is New Year's Eve.

I am home with K and the kids watching the "America's Funniest Home Videos" marathon. From a gay perspective this sounds kind of boring, but it's nice to be here with the family. Once day, in the coming years I hope I can spend New Year's Eve with K, the kids, K's new man and T. I dream of a time when K and I find our loves and we are still able to hang out as best friends. That will not happen soon, but I can dream now.

Today was a pretty good day, with all of us together most of the day and we got along pretty good. At one point she told me she was "not happy" with me. I told her I knew that. With the kids around we did not talk about it much more, but I expect we might before going to bed tonight.

I talked to T for a long time tonight. He is glad that I finally have a direction with K. I really loves me and could see the pain I was in all the time and knew that only getting direction would put me on the right path. Smart guy. I am going to see him on Saturday night. I am very much looking forward to that.

I am praying for a better 2010 for me and for K (and everyone else). This will be a transition year but at least the circling has stopped.

The Pain Will End

So today was the day.

K and I finally met together with her therapist (let's call her "Pam"). She is more direct than mine. We talked about options and we talked about what we could life with. I explained my metaphor about living on the fence or between the fences. (read below if you missed it).

K said she would like to try recommitment, with some not unreasonable conditions. We talked some about commitment and our wedding vows. We talked about how I wanted to be straight, would give anything to be straight and be able to have my straight life. We talked about how maybe the happiness fo K and the kids was more important than mine. We talked able to be relatively happy being married to K for so long.

This is when the dawn started breaking and the clouds of confusion started to clear.

I did it before. Why was I so hesitant now? Because before I was under the self-created delusion that I was "bi-sexual" or at least not gay. Not that delusion is gone. I no longer believe it. It is no longer real. I can't go back that delusion. Then I would really be living a lie.

Then we talked about separating and what that would look like. That is not K's preferred direction but at this point she wants any direction. One thing that Pam said that really struck a cord with me. She said that separating would be difficult, very painful, but the pain would eventually end. If we tried to stay together, with me living on the fence and in pain from that, that pain would not have an end. There would be no healing, just an open sore on my otherwise good straight life. This was a lightbulb moment for me and maybe K too. I am not a good liar. If the pain I am in today was to be eternal, I don't think I could survive it.

So made the decision to separate. We don't know how long that will take, or what it will look like, but that is the direction we are moving. The 18 months of limbo is finally over.

There is a part of me that is terrified beyond belief. Like I am jumping off a cliff with no idea what is at the bottom, and no way to get back up. On the other hand, there is a feeling that a weight is being lifted off my shoulders, a feeling of relief.

I am finally on a road to a place where the pain will end.

Life On The Fence

First, I hope everyone had a great Christmas (if you are into that sort of thing). Mine started out really good, but then when down hill. My daughter spiked a high fever on Christmas day. We called the pediatrician and since they are not open on Christmas, the nurse said to give her Advil and call back if she gets worse. I was not happy with that so I called T. I don't know if I have mentioned it before but T is a physician and he thought that my daughter's fever was too high and we should take her to an urgent care. We tried that but it too was closed and then we ended up in the Emergency Room.

So from 2:00 to almost 7:00 on Christmas afternoon, K, My daughter, my youngest son, and me sad in an exam room at the hospital ER. Oh yeah, lots of fun.

In the end, nothing life threatening is happening, but no one has slept much over the past 2 nights, since she is up a lot.

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One another note I am trying to decide if my life is moving at all.

K told me that she is disappointed, but not angry, that when she offered me a chance to recommit to her and our marriage that I did not jump at the chance. We have not talked much more about that. Since I am home from work for the next week, we will have plenty of chances.

I also sent her a note. In it I tried to explain where I am and the decisions that I have to make. From her perspective it's simple. She told me, "I can't believe you want to give up all you have for a penis." Of course, it is not that simple.

I made my fence analogy. I am in a spot between the gay world and the straight world and part of what keeps me from interacting with the 2 is that I am in the closet to much of the world. I can't make straight friends because I cannot be myself since I would be hiding a secret and I cannot really make gay friends because I can't be totally open with them either. Because of this, I am so lonely much of the time I could just sit and cry much of the time.

On the other hand, there are things that make me less lonely, when my younger kids meet me at the door when I come home from work. When my older kids tell me something that is happening in their life. Even K will help chase the loneliness away. When she smiles or laughs, I sometimes forget the struggles in my mind, but only for a little while.

I will never be able to be part of the straight world the way she is, since I am not straight and I never will be. So my decision point is not really do I live in the gay or straight world. The decision is really, do I keep the live I have and continue to live on the fence for rest of my life, endure the personal loneliness in exchange for the benefits I get the being the with people I love or do I come completely out, find a man (T or someone else) who I can love & be loved, and try to be the best father and friend I can be?

I don;t know if this is progress or not, but it feels like it. I have narrowed my list of choices from 3 to 2. I have explained them to K and she just might get it.

If I leave our marriage and family, she has to understand that there is more to it than just a desire for me to play with a hard cock. It about much more than just physical sex.

Maybe It's Not My Problem

My therapist has told me that no one is responsible for anyone else's happiness (or contentment) other than their own. K has confirmed that she feels that way too.

She (my therapist) has stopped telling me that that because I told her I don't believe her.

Maybe I should re-think that. Maybe I should make a clean break. Just tell K I no longer love her and move out. Of course I do love her, but maybe I need to keep that to myself so she will give up hope and move on.

Maybe I need to tell her she married a gay guy and I need to be who I am. I'm sorry that hurts her and it's really not my problem. It's hers. Yes the pain will be great, but maybe it like ripping off a bandage. While the might be more intense if you rip it off quickly, it does not last a long.

Maybe I need to ignore her pain and the pain of the children when I leave. Maybe I need to just do what is right for me and not worry about anyone else. No matter how hard I try I cannot stop being gay, so unless I want to waste the rest of my life in the closet, I probably need to just move on. It will be better for everyone.

I have to stop dancing around the tree. Stop living on the fence. I have been hoping that K and I will come to the same conclusion that it really is best for everyone if I move on and it looks like that just is not going to happen. Maybe it's time to cut bait and walk away.

The problem is, I was not brought up to be insensitive to others, especially the ones I love the most. Things seem to me to be so difficult and hopeless that it;s may just be better to pretend and at least some of the people I love will be happy, or at least not as unhappy as they will be if I just leave. Maybe causing all that hurt is not as important to me having the man of my dreams.

Who says I can't live my whole life on the fence? I have been doing it since I was 12. What's another 40 years?

Recommit?

I think being gay sucks and I don't want to do it anymore.

Oddly enough, K and I want the same thing. She wants our family back. She wants us not to be broken anymore. She wants us to be a family, a real family again. United forever. Standing together, till death do us part.

She wants us to recommit ourselves to each other. She said if I thought her "parameters" were doable, she would recommit to me tomorrow. (No, I don't know what those parameters are, but I assume at least one of them involves no intimate contact with anyone else (male or female) which is not unreasonable.)

I want that badly. I would do almost anything to get it. If I thought for one second that gay conversion therapy would work, I would be standing in line, praying to be cured tomorrow. I really would.

I want my family back. I liked it better when I was in denial about who I am. It was a lot better then. I was a lot better when I could think of myself as a straight ally of gay people. While I was a supporter of gay people and their rights, I was sure I was not really one of them. Even when I was "experimenting" with guys, I left those encounters convinced I was straight, just just a little homosexual desire. In fact some of those encounters were with guys who were just as straight as me. sigh.

I was sure about my family relationships. I was sure K and I would be together forever. When K would tell me about her best friend and her boneheaded husband, we would look at each other and reassure each other that, that would be us.

But the truth is I am gay. I am living in that uncomfortable space between gay and straight. K wants to be out of limbo and have certainty back in her life, in our life. But now that I know who I am, will I just be going through the motions? Will I really be the husband she wants, needs and deserves? Will it all be just a lie again? I think it will, but what is my happiness worth? It is worth more than hers? The kids?

Maybe the truth that while I am gay and she is straight, we have a lot better relationship together than a lot of straight couples we know. K's sister for example. Her and her husband are on the brink of open warfare in their house. With all our troubles, we are no where near that. Maybe that is a relationship I can build on. Maybe a little thing like she is not a man it not such a big deal. Maybe I should take the good things I have a count myself lucky. After all she knows I am gay and she accepts me, she loves me, and she still wants to be with me. How many gay married can say that about their wives?

Can I recommit to her? Promise to be the best husband I can to her? Stand with her into old age and beyond?

Maybe.

Damn.

I hate being gay.

Blogger Disappointment

I read a several blogs. There are more than a few that I check everyday looking for new posts. I am also on the look out for new blogs from people who are on the same journey as me.

I found one today, or at least I thought I had. When you read someone's blog you get to know them. Anyone who has read mine sure knows me. Well, what happens when you realize that guy is a prick? I don't want to mention the blog, because I am not going to say anything nice about him. He is in his 40's, married, couple of kids and apparently he has a good gym trained body. He is also cheating on his wife (all the time) and intends to continue to cheat. He is superficial, placing more stock on what people look like than what they are actually like. He considered himself bisexual, and, to some extent, is tormented like by his conflicting feelings. He claims to want a relationship, but if more concerned with body hair and body fat percentage.

I think I stopped reading his blog and I will keep looking. It was disappointing because usually the more I read, the more I like the person. I guess you can't like everyone.

I hope I don't come off as a jerk.

Why Doesn't He Just Leave?

The therapist I have been seeing for just over a year now is always asking me what my body is telling me. "Listen to your body. How does it feel in your belly?" she would say.

About 2 months ago I when to look at a house where there was a room for rent. When I told her about it she asked, "How does is feel in your belly?" (She is a very "California" kind of therapist.) The truth is, it felt tight and my body was telling me I was freaked out. I looked around for a minute and got out as fast as I could. (It did not help that the guy was kind of creepy.)

She is encouraging me to move out (like many of my blogger friends) and let K move on. Why don't I do it?

I like my family. I love my family. I love my kids. I love K. I like to think those are the primary reasons. What are the others? I'm scared to leave everything I know. I am not sure how to establish myself in a world that I know very little about and I have conditioned myself is not for me.

My youngest son was sick today and stayed home from school. I came home a lunch to sit with him so K could go to her therapist, alone. When she got back it seems they spent a lot of time talking about the reasons why I have not left and why she has not kicked me out. She still loves me and is hoping I will come to my senses. There is also the point that I have been honest with her from the beginning and I have not been sneaking around, cheating on her.

Because we still love, and like, each other, we have many options. She did say again, that if I decided that I had to leave, that yes, it would suck for a while, she was sure that everything would be OK in the end. I am not sure I share her optimism. I want to, but I am not sure I do.

In the end I have to stop living on the fence. I have to stop living in the neutral zone. I need to either live my life as a straight family man, or as a gay man with an ex-wife and kids. Where I am now I can see both worlds. I can have limited interaction with both, but cannot be a full participant in either.

It's a very lonely place to be and for a long time now, I have been frozen in place.

I'm Not Dead.

No, I'm not dead. I have been very busy though. This past weekend was very busy with all kids of family related stuff. Hardly had time to remember I am gay. Sometimes I felt normal.

Most of my energy has been on work stuff. I am taking off from Dec 24 to Jan 4, about a week and a half. I can't wait, but of course I have a bunch of stuff to get done before I can go. So I have been working my ass of to get it all done.

I am going with K to her shrink tomorrow at lunch time. I don't know exactly what they are hoping to accomplish, but I am willing to go and see if they think it will help.

I'll let you know how it goes.

In the Blur

So I have had some stuff happen this week, some positive, some I'm not to sure about.

After our "You lied" talk, K met with her shrink and they talked about all the possibilities for us. They talked them all out. Everything from me leaving and never returning to me staying, pretending I'm straight and living forever as a married couple. K and I talked about that same later in the day. She told me, as she has before, if I walked away from her (as a husband) tomorrow, it would suck, really bad, for a while, but she knew in her gut that everyone would be OK in the end. I thought that was positive.

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K removed the "married" status from her Facebook page. She also removed the paragraph about her being "married to her soulmate" in her profile. Of course when changed like this occur, a notification is send to all her friends. We have 20 friends in common (mostly her family and my family) so they have all seen it. Including my mother, who called my sister who called me tonight to see what was going on. They know about my situation, but I think there were as surprised to see that K has made that chance so publicly.

She did not tell me before she did it, I found out like everyone else. At first I was not thrilled, but then the more I thought about it, maybe it was a good thing. Maybe it is more movement in the right direction. the direction that will get us out of this rut and on the path to a better situation.

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K has a profile on a online dating site. She is talking to someone who she says seems nice. I also think this is progress. While it will be difficult for me to see her move on, I know that she needs to (and deserves to) and I think she will be a lot happier if she can find someone (a straight someone) that will lover her the way she wants, needs and deserves to be loved. It is WAY too soon to know if this guy is the one (she has not met him in person yet) but that is not really important. The important thing is that she has cracked the door open in a way that she was not willing to before.

She told the guy that I still live here and I am gay. It did not scare him off. (at least not yet) Another good sign. On of the things she worried about was that he now has so much baggage that she would not be able to attract a good (straight) man who will love her.

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With all this movement on her part I am starting to realize that I am the one that is stuck. I am so fearful of the great gay unknown that I am not really moving at all. I am sort of adrift. My shrink point that out to me last week. She says I am like a rudderless ship, waiting for K to kick me out of the house. Waiting for life to happen to me.

I guess I have been like that for a long time. How do you break out of that pattern. How do you fix that and make it better. At 41 years old, I think I am starting to realize that if I am not careful my whole life will pass me by and I will be either be stuck or adrift for most of it. As I am quickly reaching the point in my life when there are more days behind me than in front, I need to figure out how to move. Maybe that will be easier for me now that I can see that K will OK and we will still be friends. Even after we are no longer married.

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

"Either you lied to me, to yourself, or both." That's what K said to me this afternoon. She was referring to the promises I made to her 16 years ago when I said I could be her husband and do (and feel) all the things that a husband is supposed to for his wife.

The answer, of course, is both. It's actually more than that, I lied to everyone I have come into contact with over the past 25 years. The fact that I did it with good intentions is beside the point. I still lied.

K told me today that she cannot imagine her life without me. In fact, I cannot imagine my life without her either. The problem, I know in my heart that my life is wrong now. As much as I want to be the man she needs me to me, that I promised to be, I am not that man. I'm gay.

It started as a teen when I refused to be gay. On that day I started the lie. From that moment forward I lied to everyone. My friends, my family, my wife, and most of all myself. For all these years I created a reality for myself (and everyone else) that I was something I wanted to be, but something I wasn't

Now I am in a place where K (and by extension the kids) were subjected to that lie and now they are going to pay the price. I am heartbroken about that.

Living in the Neutral Zone

I was thinking today about how I live in two worlds. I live most of my time in the straight world where I spend most of my time. The I spend some time in the gay world, like when I am with T.

Then I thought some more. I am not really living in either world. I am living on the fringe, some weird, self imposed neutral zone. When I take a little stock, it turns out I have very few friends. I have some old friends but none of them know who I really am, and all of them live far away from me. K & T are my only friends that know who I am. I have no straight friends and I have no real interest in getting any.

Why should I put forth any effort making friends I cannot be myself with. I besides, where would I meet these friends? School functions? The church where K works?

I would like to have more gay friends. I have 2 and I don't think one counts, since he rarely talks to me. The other is T. He is more than a friend, but friends just the same. What is the point in trying to make gay friends when I am not really out? Where will I meet them. Craigslist? Some gay event? When what will I do when I meet them. Hang out in gay bars and hope I don't get caught? What happens if I meet someone I really like? Or they like me?

At the same time, K and I talked briefly today before she went to work. She thinks I need to decide which world I want to live in. Of course she is right, but is it really a question on "want"? I suppose I can pretend to be straight for another 40 years, until I die, but can I be happy? Just thinking about that makes my stomach all tight, so I am guessing the answer to that is no. What is the alternative, living openly as a gay man. Leaving my family and diving head first into, what looks now like, a giant black hole.

I know 3 types of gay people.

I know a few in long term, committed relationships and they seem VERY happy. One as long as 23 years.

I know one who divorced his wife and became a pathetic slut. He is a mess. While he says he wants one man to be his partner, I think is behavior pattern make that unlikely

The I there is the single, lonely gay guy who longs for a partner and a family, but can't seem to find the right man. He dates endlessly, never finding what he is looking for.

I want to be the first one. I do not have the capacity to be the second one (I tried that and found it empty). I am afraid I will end up the third one. It's is better to be lonely and live honestly, or hold my family together and live a lie.

Things I am Really Afraid of.

K and I were talking the other day, sort of joking around when I told her she should be nicer to me. I could go a "crazy gay" at any minute. She told me I was the one that needed to be nice to her. "I know where all the bodies are buried. All I need is a scum-bag lawyer to take you to the cleaners."

I know she was joking, for a lot of reasons, including she is very worried that the children will blame her for for our separation. Putting that to the side I told her very plainly that the things I am afraid of are not things that can be influenced by lawyers and judges.

I suppose aside to granting some sort of restraining order, where I cannot see my kids there is nothing a judge could do to hurt me. I don't worry about that either. I suppose it could happen, but I could get hit by a meteor too.

I am not worried about money. I told her I can pretty much guarantee that she will get more money from me by relying on my sense of responsibility and guilt than she will get from any court. I have already figured out the minimum I need to survive once I move out. K and the kids will get the rest.

I worry about hearts and minds. Maintaining my deep friendship with her is the most important thing to me. I know it is it difficult to explain. It have been hard for me to explain to to K. I think the best way I can think to explain it to compare it to twins that are very close. You know what I'm talking about. You have seen these twins when are close and do everything together. That's how I feel about K. While I am at a place were I need to be out of the closet, I need to be who I am. I don't know if I can live without K in my life.

I know someone is going tell me that I need to get over that, but I don't think I will be able to. I don't think I can move my head that far.

I'll bet most men when they decide to get a divorce are not really concerned with the ex. They go to the lawyer. The fill out some paperwork. They go to court and they are free. How the ex feels it really of no consequence. Yes, I know I am WAY over-simplifying the situation of others, but this is how I feel. I cannot just walk away to go find my Mr. Right. I just can't. I need to find another way.

K and I have gotten through a lot of shit in the past 18 years and we have always done it the same way, together. Oddly enough, I am convinced we can even separate "together" and support each other in our new lives. Am I just dreaming? Maybe.

Alone in a Mess

I have been told it will worse before it gets better. Maybe that started yesterday. I am trying hard to explain to K about me. She is hung up on the fact that I am the one leaving. I am the one that no longer wants her. I am trying to get her to understand why I have to be who I am.

One of the things I am trying to get K to understand is that I have reached a place where I don't really know who I am. I have pretended for close to 30 years to be someone totally different from who I really am, I know longer know that person. Each day I look in the mirror the face looking back at me look less and less familiar. More like a stranger.

I have said before that I envy straight people. They do not have to pretend. The feel what they are supposed to feel. Everyone around them reinforces that feeling and they know they are (for lack of a letter term) feeling correctly. How nice must that be. For a lot of years that is exactly what I have done.

I need her to understand that this is not just be getting tired of her. It is me being honest for the first time in my life with her, with myself and with the world about who I really am. I think she will still be hurt and angry, but I also this that if she can reason it out and understand this in not about blow jobs and more about shedding the false identity I have created for myself, I think it might be easier.

I could be wrong, but I don't think so. I think that it's important that she understand, to the extent possible, how I have gotten us to the point in the road. I think if she can clearly understand it will be easier for us to decide together the right course of action. The right time to separate, while still being supportive of each other.

Wish me luck.

My first 100 Posts

When a new president takes office the media looks at his first 100 days as some sort of benchmark. This is my 100th post on this blog and I can really say I have had a good time writing it and I am thrilled I have met some really nice people through it.

I started it reluctantly. My shrink talked me into it and I am really glad she did. I'll have to let her know next time I see her.

I have been wallowing in my own self pity over the past few days. I am growing tired of the limbo I am in. I don't seem to have the courage to leave, but I know that staying will only is not the right thing either. I know that it will only prolong the suffering for all of us. Well ... for me and K anyway. I think the kids would much prefer I stay where I am.

K's therapist told her something that has been bugging me. When K told her that I have been feeling down lately. She told her, "Not to get sucked into my drama." WHAT!!? For all my problems I am really pretty drama free. I know that K cannot fix my problems and she cannot make it better. But she can still listen and be supportive.

I feel so powerless and while I know that doing nothing is not the best thing to do, I also think that anything I do will make it worse. I have been thinking about T. How good it feels to be with him and how I long for his touch, to hear his voice in person (not just on the phone). I think about K. How nice it is to be around someone who knows me better than anyone else ever can. I think about the kids and how they need to have be around and how I love be with them.

K told me today, "It's my new reality since whether you live with me or not, you aren't going to be 'WITH' me." She really is the smartest person I know. I think it true of course. But does that help me see the right course of action? What should I do with that information? Or maybe I do nothing with it. I just file it away, knowing that K is making some progress in accepting our situation. I wonder how soon I will be making progress?