Are You Happier Than Me?

I did it.  I booked a flight to Internet City.  It is even non-refundable.


"If you are planning a trip to Internet City, you must be pretty happy." K told me after reminding me that I am not supposed to be happier sooner than her.


I told her I was not there yet, but I was moving in that direction, with good progress being made.  I admitted my strong feelings for IG, but I will not know for sure if it is fantasy or real until we meet.  Until he holds me in his arms.  Until we get ...  um... sorry ...  I got ahead of myself again.


It is true, I am happier than I have been in a long time, but there is still a ways to go.  There are all kinds of things left to do. 


For example, I need to come out to the kids. That has it's own separate worries, but I am not thinking about that too much now.  I also have to resolve the question of where we all are going to live.  Do K and I try to live together with the kids for now?  That might work for a little while, but it is not sustainable over time.  Any man she will find, probably won't like me there all the time.  And I want to live with my partner, and I doubt Internet Guy or anyone else would want to move in with K and I.  (For the record I would be OK with that, but I doubt he would be, and I am not sure K would really be OK with it.)


I don't want to get ahead of myself too much.  I am still enjoying my new found direction.  I think I am going to focus on my trip to meet IG and see how that goes.  If it goes the way I want, I will have start making adjustments to my life so that when he is ready to move here, I am ready for him.

It is Settled

It is Settled.  I am traveling to Internet City to see Internet Guy.


I am very excited about it.  I have to meet him in real life.  I have to find out for sure.  There is no question I have strong feelings for him, but am I in love with him, or am I in love with the fantasy of being in love with a guy who seems to be so perfect for me?


Once I spend some time with him.  I will know.


I booking flights for the last weekend in April.


Excited and cautiously optimistic.  

Peaceful

My shrink has been in California for more than a month, so I have not had a chance to meet with her in something like 6 weeks.  I met with her again today.


So I had to recap the past 6 weeks for her.


1.  T and I have broken up for real this time.  We had an public blog altercation, but we reached a place of equilibrium.  I am giving him the space he needs (and asked for)  and in time we will start over as friends.  While there is sadness in the break up, we both know it was the right thing to do.


2.  K is still not happy with her life, but we (her and I) are in a pretty good place.  We are becoming OK with our paths.  She is starting to think about dating and there is a guy she is interested in who also seems to be interested in her.  


3.  I met with the pastor last night and he told me that I need to be authentic to who I am.  In fact he told me that a bunch of times.  When we talked about religious people being hostile to gay people, he said something surprising.  "God made you the way you are.  It's arrogant to say that God made a mistake.  I'm not going to say God made a mistake."  That was a huge comfort to me.


4. I am being drawn and connected to Internet Guy.  Every time we talk there is a new connection. There is either a new thing that we have in common, or there is a new thing where we are different compliment each other.  In addition to being intrigued by him, he is drawing me out of my comfort zone.  I said the other day, that I flying to visit anyone for a weekend is way outside how my personality usually works.


As someone who craves stability and loathes change, I would expect of anxiety about flying away to to meet someone for the first time.  But, I don't feel that.  There is no stress in my head.  I feel very comfortable, as I start looking for flights.


5.  If all that was not enough, I have lost 25 pounds.


Today I am feeling a peace in my head that I have not felt in a long time.  I actually walked to to my shrinks office this afternoon.  From my office it is about a mile and a half each way.  It was cool, but not so cool I needed a jacket.  It was nice.  The sky was mostly clear, with only big puffy clouds.  Birds were singing and I felt good.


At the end of the hour, I told the shrink that I did not want to make another appointment.  I think I am in the place in my head where I can see where I need to go.  My path is much clearer now.  I have stopped running around the tree.


The most striking thing is, that for the first time in a long time, more than 2 years, I am starting to believe that things in my life are going to be OK.  


I am going to be who I am.  


I am going to be authentic.  


I am going to figure out who I am.


I am going to stop hiding my true self.


I am going to find my partner.


I am going to be happy ... and gay.

Lifting Weight

The meeting with the pastor went very, VERY well.  In a lot of ways, I feel like one more weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

I will write more about it tomorrow.

Meeting With God

Ok, I am not really meeting with God.  At least not directly.  I am meeting this afternoon with the one of His henchmen.  The pastor of the church where K works.  He knows our situation and he has been very supportive of K and she thinks he will be supportive of me too.


This started because K wants to become a member of the church and wants to join with the kids.  She will do this with or without me, but I think she would prefer to do it with me.  I think her thinking is that even though we will not remain married, we will always be a family and this is something we should together, all 6 of us.  It is clearly important to her, but she has not been pressuring me.


If I was going to do this I decided that I need to have a sit down with the pastor.  I did not like the idea of getting involved in this church community, only to get kicked out when they find out who I really.  


It's not that I am flag waving homo, but at some point we will tell the kids.  I will move out of the house.  K may some to church with another man and I will have a new partner.  I am not going to pretend to be someone else any longer.  I did not go through all this shit just to pretend at church.  How will that play with the church people?  I don't know and have to ask.


It's important for another reason.  This is K's job.  she needs this job and I need to make sure there will be no fall out for her when the rest of the congregation discovers what is happening.


I am meeting him right after work today.  I will let you know how it goes.  I am nervous, but hopeful.

Working Toward "Normal"

I have been very busy with work this week.  I was taking a class all day on Monday and Tuesday, and while I was gone, the work piled up on my desk.  I'm don't know why the elves did not do my work, but they didn't.  Grrr.


Things in my life are moving and stable at the same time.


K is unhappy with her life, but I think that she is past the point where she is angry.  There is a man she is interested. She coaches a sports team for 14 year old girls.  This man is the father of one of the girls.  She has known him casually for a couple of years.  His wife died more than a year ago after a long illness.


Anyway, she likes him and he is showing signs that he likes her too.  K told him about me being gay and our current situation, and it has not seemed to bother him.  Even better: his daughter, K's player, loves K and has been treating K as a mother figure for a while now. (That sometimes happens with girls and their coaches.) If nothing else K has made a new friend.  If things work out, maybe, just maybe, she can begin a new life with New Guy.


It will be difficult for me to see her go.  As she gets closer to a romantic love interest my importance in her life will diminish.  This is as it should be, but it will be difficult for me just the same. I know we will remain best friends and close.


I have not talked to Internet Guy as much this week as I would like.  A few short conversations, text messages and one short IM chat.   I have been swamped lately and his usual schedule has been disrupted this week too.  Nothing new to report on that front.  I am still interested and am thinking about taking a trip in May to visit him in Internet City.  


I have never done anything like that before.  The idea of getting on a plane and flying to a place to meet someone I have never met is contrary to my personality.  In fact, me getting a plane solely to pay a social call on anyone, even an old friend, is not something I would usually do.


I currently live about 800 miles from where I grew up and my parents and sister still live.  My oldest friend, lives kind of near me (about 200 miles).  He has been there for several years, but I have only driven to visit him once in all that time, and that was after being invited to a special occasion.  I just am not the type to pick up and go.  Anyway, IG may be causing me to step WAY outside my comfort zone.  Now I have to decide if that is a good thing.  I think it probably is.  Hanging around in my comfort zone is how I got stuck in the first place.


It seems that T and I are on an even keel.  We still have not spoken and as he has requested, I am giving him the space he needs and wants.  It does not appear there will be any lasting damage because of our blog spat.   T is not a fan of technology (he as no facebook page for example).  It's not that he can't do it, it just does not hold his interest.  It appears, however, he like blogging.  He has posted several new items.  I have been reading them and like what he is writing.  Even though we are not talking now, it helps me feel connected to him.  In case you are wondering I did send him an e-mail asking if he was OK with me reading his blog.  He said it was fine and I also invited him back here anytime we wants to check up on me.  :-)


In 2 weeks I am expecting my parents to visit.  I say "expected" because my dad has been suffering from several illnesses, but for the time being is stable and appears to be staying that way.  We are praying he will continue to be well enough to travel.  He went to a pile of doctors and so far they have all said he should be good to go.


They know I am gay and they are very supportive.  I don't know if they know about my break up with T.  My mom sometimes reads the blog, but she has not mentioned it, so maybe she does not know.  I have also not talked to them about IM.  Partly because I think they would caution me against getting too wrapped up in a man I have never actually met in person.


Anyway, the kids are delighted that their grandparents will be here the same week they are off from school on spring break.  We are trying to thing so fun activities we can all do while they are here. 


So I am working toward normalcy.  What ever that means.

Affirmation

I have been going to the gym semi-regularly for the past several weeks after taking about a year off.  Before that I went every day for more than 2 years and I was in pretty good shape.  I have a variety of music on my MP3 player (now I use my Blackberry) and there are 5 or 6 hours worth.  I set it to shuffle so I don't hear the same songs all the time.

Except for one.

I keep this song for the last one I listen to after each workout.  It helps center my thought.  I don't know exactly how it does that, but it does.

Affirmation

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone


I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye


I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires


I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye


I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse tv evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity


I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye(Repeat 2)
Until you say goodbye
Oh no no no no no ( Repeats itself many times fading)



Savage Garden
Songwriters: Daniel Jones, Darren Hayes

Honesty, Cowardice, Love, and Mea Culpa

If you read the comments on my postings you will see that T has discovered my bog.  I suppose "discovered" is not the right word, since at one time I told him about it, and just forgot.


He has posted a summary of some of the ups and downs of our relationship over the past 2 years at a blog of his own.  (the address is in his comment from yesterday.)


If you ready through it, there are lot's of places where he makes me sound like a total shithead.  Everything he wrote in there is true.  There are one or two places I may see the same event from a different perspective than him, but at it's core, it's all true.

I write this blog for a variety of reasons.  For the past 2 years I have been in a time of high turmoil and I use this forum to help me work stuff out.  Sometimes I just need to vent.  Sometimes I ask questions and some times I just kick around ideas. Sometimes I make up stories.  The point is I write for me and this is my place to say what is on my mind at the time I write it.  Sometimes I feel differently soon after I click "publish".

This blog is not a detailed transcript of my life.  It is a collection of thoughts, opinions, and feeling.

While I have still not spoken to him directly, it is clear he feels I have misrepresented him and perhaps myself in these electronic pages.  I don't want him to feel that way and I don't want anyone to think he is anything other than a really great guy.

If you ready his recap, you will see how he feels and I am not going rehash it or comment on every point he makes.  But as I said before, I think everything he said is accurate from his perspective.  There are some comments I do need to make.  These are in no particular order, just in the order I thought of them.

** I love T.  I still do and that love will continue... forever.  He is without doubt the first person I was every truly IN love with.  I did not even know what "IN love" felt like until I met him.  He loved me in return.  His place in my heart is permanent and unconditional.  Even if we cannot become friends, my love for him continue.  He was right that when we met for the first time, I did not expect to fall in love.  His family situation did not bother me at the time because I met him hoping to find something more like friends with benefits.  (At that time I could not imagine leaving K and coming out as gay.)  As my love grew, I got a lot more.  I got real love.

** One of things I love about T is his sharp clarity and stability.  Like everyone, when faced with a choice he will weigh the options, make a decision and stick to it.  He does not look back. He does not fret over it.  He makes the call and then accepts with the consequences.  Over the past 2 years I have leaned on his clarity and he has helped me tremendously.  I owe him a great deal and I am grateful, even though it may not appear that way sometimes.

** Honesty is important to T.  It is to me too. Sometimes things seem like dishonesty but they are really indecision.  T is very perceptive.  He intuitively knows things about people. In general, I think this is a good trait, but there are some times when he has assumed thing to be true that may or may not be true.

For example, I told T that I had been talking to Internet Guy.  He told me that I liked him.  I agreed.  He said, no, I LIKED him.  At that time I had only considered IG a friend and we talked about every other week or at most once a week.  I insisted that I did not think about IG in that way.  Fast forward a few weeks.  I then find out IG was interested in me.  This opened up an entirely new frame of thinking for me.  I suddenly considered things I had not considered before.  So later when T finds out that I do have feeling for IG, he thought I was deceiving him before.

Maybe he noticed something in my tone of voice, or something else that I did not notice.  Like I said, he is very perceptive.  The problem for me is that now he thinks I was hiding something from him.

**  It is true that the time we had together was very limited.  I was more limited that either he or I would have liked.  I take FULL responsibility  for that.  I know that T when out of this way to make sure that he was available when I could get away.  I also know that some of the time we were together I was pre-occupied with my own turmoil and not focused on where I should have been, on him.

**  I have said before in the this blog that I was a shitty boyfriend.  In the end, what he wanted (of was willing to do) was not compatible with what I wanted.  Which, despite my wishful thinking, we both knew would eventually end our romantic relationship.  If his family situation was different, thing would be different

**  Lots of times when we talked are did not get into the meat of topics.  Primary topics included my problems, things happening at his business, thing happening at my work, some family stuff.  Occasionally he would indulge me with a little talk of politics.  (Politics is topic I really like and he is indifferent, but he brought it up because he knew I liked it.).  Sometimes we would talk about the future and how nice it couple be to sit around the fire-pit he was building at his new house.

More than once he told me there were things we did not talk about.  Thing I did not know about him.  He said we did not have time to explore them, so he did not bring them up.  I wish he had.  I still do.  I want to know the parts of him that he has hidden from me.  I hope one day I will get to see them.

**  Finally, T put up with A LOT of shit from me.  I know that.  He dealt with the turmoil of my life and he absorbed the crap that came with it.  He did not have to do that, but he did.  Most would not have done that.  I may not have done that, but he did.  He did not ask that much from me, but he stood my be.  I think it's important that if I have misrepresented that, I correct the record.

There are many reasons that I love T, there is much to admire about him.  What I am not going to do is have a dueling blog conversation with T about this.  I am not interesting in manipulating anything or anyone, but I am interesting in saving a friendship.  I was thinking about reaching out to T and now he has reached out to me.  (at least I think he has).  I hope that one day we can have a friendship that works for both of us.   Maybe now that this is all out and the stress of trying to hold on to a romantic relationship, we can, over time, build a friendship.


Maybe.  


I have learned recently that we (as people) generally overestimate how much we think other people think the same way as we do.  When I am in my anger stage I need to talk it out.  I need to have the conversation as soon as possible to clear the air and then move on.  I projected that on T and that was not right.  When he told me good bye and then when silent, I really thought that was the time I would from him.  I hoped it was not, but I thought it would be. 

Perhaps when T is in his anger stage, he need quiet time to work it out for himself.

Here is my plan.  Even though this blog is not meant for T, I expect he will read it.  I will however write to him personally (and privately).  I want him to know that I still love and him, and if he is interested, I want to build a friendship with him.  A real one.  I understand that he may want to wait for a time, but when he is ready, I will be here.

Stillness

There is a stillness in my life now.


Much of the swirl in my head is gone.  Not all, but enough that I have taken note of the relative calm.


I have accepted who I am and, for now, what direction my life must take.  I still have some stress about how my direction will effect the ones I love around me, but I am not constantly worrying like I was before.


K has ups and downs.  I'm starting to feel she will be OK.  She is having highs and lows, and I am supporting her as much as I can.  I think she is reaching a point where she is afraid she will be alone.


At the end of today, T will have been silent for 7 days.  I have see him online, but I have not reached out to him and he has not reached out to me.  I am sorry that this has turned out the way it has.  I wish we could have remained friends.  Maybe someday down the road.


I was debating sending him sort of a goodbye e-mail, to let him know the door of friendship would always be open to him, no matter how long he is angry.  But I have not done it, yet.  I talked about it with Mr. Emerging Identity, and he thinks I should not bother.  He thinks it will not help and it really is his (T's) problem anyway.  I am still thinking about and may still do it.  On the other hand, the longer he remains silent, the more the desire to reach out to him.


I have been talking a LOT to Internet Guy.  It has been just about a month since i have been talking to him seriously and every day I wish he was closer to me.  I am wonder if taking to him more has been a catalyst for the calmness I have been feeling.  I think he is.  


We have talked a lot, about everything.  I know it's not good to compare people, but Internet Guy and I have talked more in the past month than T and I talked in the past 2 years.  And it's not just the quantity of the conversation, it's the quality.  In addition to covering a lot of topics, we are really connecting, even thought we have never met.  Each time we talk about something new, it turns out we either share it in common or we agree about it.  Maybe not everything, but probably 90% of the topics.


It is clear he is having an effect on me.  Even K has noticed.  I sometimes relay some of the contents of my conversations with IG.  The other day she asked me, if he was closer would I pursue a relationship with him.  "In a second." was my reply.  Yesterday she asks me if IG knew I felt that way.  IG and I have talked about it and I told her that too.  She had no additional comment.  I don't know how she feels about but I decided not to press her on it.


For the moment, I am going to enjoy my new found calm and take pleasure in getting to know IG.  Who knows what could happen?

When it Turns Ugly

So the hope of remaining friends with T is pretty much gone.

We actually went out last Friday night.  I picked him up at his office, we had dinner at a new restaurant and then I brought him home.  It was a nice visit and when it was over I thought we were going to be OK.

I was wrong.

I told T about the Internet Guy I have been talking to (I'm going to have to give him a name) and he jumped to the conclusion that I am in love with Internet Guy and he is the one to be my partner.

I did tell him I was interested in getting to know Internet Guy better, but I was a long way from in love with a man I have never met.  T did not believe me.  Told me I was not being honest.

By the time dinner was over we agreed (I thought) we were both OK.  He needed to find the man that is right for him and I need to find a man that will eventually be my partner.  It was probably for the best that we broke up since what we each wanted from a partner was really incompatible.  Finally we agreed we would work to remain friends, knowing there might be some hard feelings on his part from time to time.

Last night I was online and I saw T was online so I opened a chat window to said hi.   That is where the trouble started.

It turns out that he was not OK.  I was very angry with me.  He feels I kept him around (for what reason I'm not sure) and now that K and I are doing better and I have found the love of my life, I just dumped him.  (Remember he thinks that Internet Guy and me are going to move in together tomorrow or at least next week.)

That is not really the way it happened.

As I posted a while back, he was the one that dumped me.  When we came to the impasse that   I wanted a partner (that lived with me) and he wants a boyfriend that he could go out with on weekends.  I told him then that we could go on the way we are for now, but ultimately I would not be happy growing old alone, with the man I love living elsewhere.   He decided that since I would eventually dump him anyway, that we would just stop being boyfriends and just be friends.

Last night, he feels that is a betrayal.  He is angry and says he just wants to move on.

I asked if he wanted me to leave him alone for a while.  He said yes.  Then I got the text message.  "Good-bye jim"  That is something he has never told me before.

I hope his good-bye is not forever, but I fear it might be.  I really value his friendship.  There is always going to be a place in my heart for him, whether he wants me to be my friend or not.

This is one thing I could not fix and he walked away.

Maybe They Can Make It

I went to see "Hank" this afternoon and we talked his obsession with "Steve".  He was bubbling over with excitement.  Apparently, over the past 2 days they had spent something like 5 or 6 hours either on the phone or on Yahoo Messenger talking.  That's saying something.  I have known Hank for more than 2 decades and he does not even talk to me that much.

"Steve is exactly the type of man I am looking for."

"Steve 'gets me' like no one else, and he says I get him too" 

"Steve wants a man to love him and he wants to be loved in return."

"Steve likes so many of the same things I like.  Sometimes it feels like we have been boing things together for a long time."

"Steve makes me feel special and says I make him feel special too." 

"Steve and I talk for hours at a time.  We talk about all kinds of things.  No matter how long we talk,  I always feel like there is more to say when it is time to hang up."

And he went on like this for a while, maybe the better part of an hour.  I was starting the see that maybe his obsession was not an obsession at all.  He was actually falling in love with Steve.  He was happy in a way that I had not seen him in a long time.  I could see it in his eyes.

I made the decision to be supportive in this.  I did tell him I thought he should be cautious and remember that there are missing pieces that you don't see until you meet someone in person.  But I also told him that I think he should pursue this relationship with the hope they will find a way to make it work.

I think he was pleased that I was supportive.  I told him with all the loneliness in the world, if he has a chance to find the man of his dreams, I am not going to stand in his way of discourage him.

Are You Stupid??

Ok so this friend of mine calls me last night and he tells me that he has met a man online that he really likes.  Let's call my friend "Hank" and his online interest "Steve"

So Hank has actually been talking to this guy for a while.  Maybe once every week or two.  He has learned they are very different people with many of the same life experiences.  Different personality types with with lots in common.

Anyway, recently they have started talking a lot more often.  They have gone from once a week to a couple times a day.  Hank's cell phone is clogged with 2 way text communication (good thing he as unlimited texting).  With this uptick in communication he has learned even more about Steve and Hank feels like he is becoming emotionally attached, maybe even falling in love.

There is one thing.  Steve and Hank live many states apart and they have never met in person.

I tell him, "are you stupid"?

"What are you thinking?"

"How the hell can you fall in love with someone you have never met?"

So we start to talk about it.

Hank tells me that this guy is everything he is looking for.  They have common goals for their lives.  They both like a lot of the same things.  He thinks the differences in their personalties compliment each other and could strengthen a relationship.  The other thing is that Steve is considering moving to Hank's state.

But you have never met, I point out.  When you are talking to someone on the phone you miss things.  There is body language and facial expression that tell you a lot about a person.  All those missing parts of communication are missing from his assessment of Steve.

"How do you know what you perceiving over the phone is real and not just wishful thinking or fantasy?"

On top of that he is a 1000 miles away.

Hank tells me that Steve seems to be everything he has dreamed of finding in a man.  And he has been looking for a long time, he has not met a man who shares his goals.  At least not until now.

He knows how he feels.  He is pretty sure he is falling in love.

So, what should I tell my friend?

Coming to the Surface

It's almost Friday.  The weather here is getting warmer and in a lot of ways I feel like I am coming out of a deep fog.  

It has been weeks since I have written a boo hoo post on this blog.

I have lost 20 pounds and I have been going to the gym 3 days a week arranging my schedule so I can go more often in the coming weeks.

I can almost feel the old me coming back to the surface.

No, things are not perfect.  K and still have a lot of things to work out, but more and more progress has been made.  Since we were not able to sell the house, we are thinking about building a wall and putting doors on the forman dining room and making it into a den room.  That den would become my bedroom for the time being.  It would give her the separation that she needs without leaving her and the kids alone.  It is an intermediate step, but a step none the less.

Tomorrow (Friday) I am going out with T.  This will be the first time we have been physically as friends.  I am a little worried that it might be a little awkward, but I am hoping any awkwardness will pass quickly.   I'll let you know how it goes.

Also there is another man I am very interested in.  We have been talking on the phone and chatting online a lot over the past couple of weeks.  He is intriguing.  We have a lot in common and the more I talk to him the ore attached I am getting.  All this and I have not yet met him in person.  I will talk more about him later.

A New Day Dawning

So I have been in a pretty good mood for the past couple of weeks.  I think there have been some significant changes in my thinking.

I still have, and will continue to have, strong feelings for T.  I have come to accept that he and I were just not meant to be partners and that is OK.  We will remain friends and he taught me some very valuable lessons.  I learned what it is like to love a man and have his love in return.  I learned what I want out of life.  I learned that I need to have more than a boyfriend, I want a real partner.  He has shown me real loyalty and was there for me in a very difficult time. 

K has been making progress too.  While we are still living together with no end in sight, she is becoming more like the best friend I am hoping for and less like the angry ex-wife.  She is still lonely and still trying to figure out what she needs to do for herself, but, for now, she is doing better at least where I am concerned.  

I have been trolling the online sites for men.  I have not had many takers.  A few years ago I got lots of attention on one particular site.  I wonder if it is because then I just had a close up picture of my man parts and now I have a picture of my face, (G rated).  I guess I know what part of me gay men like the best.

I am not looking for hook up, so that may be limiting my responses too.

sigh

Keeping a positive attitude.

On The Beach

I woke up.  Outside it is just starting to get light.  The sun is not up, but to will be soon.  I can hear the surf through the open window.  I close my eyes again and deeply breath in the salt air.  I reach for you, but all I find are covers.  I open my eyes and look over at your spot  No you.  I sit up and little and look around.  You are not in the room, but I can see your silhouette through the window, on the deck of our little bungalow.

I get out of bed and step out on the deck into the early dawn.  It is still dark so I cannot see you too clearly, only the outline of your figure against the slowly brightening sky.  I pause for a moment to admire how your broad shoulders taper your narrow waist.  I can tell you are still naked as the sea breeze reminds me of my own nakedness.

You are leaning on the railing looking out to sea.  You do not hear me approach.  You only look over at me when my arm touches yours.  You smile briefly and then return your attention to the sea.

"What 'ch looking at, honey?" I ask.

"Nothing really. I was just thinking."  you reply.  I say nothing and just listen.  "I was thinking about all the things that had to happen in each of our lives to bring us together at this point in time.  I mean, it must have been God that brought us together."

"I must have been."  I say, also gazing toward the sea.  Listening to the surf.

I lean over and kiss your cheek.  You turn to look at me and our lips meet.  At that moment, the sun breaks over the horizon and a new day begins.

Maybe It Is For Me After All

Like a lot of people, I often dream about things I will never have.  


I sometimes pick up a boating magazine in the book store.  I like to look at the pictures of the big motor yachts.   Of course, there is no way in hell I could ever afford one.  While it is fun to dream about, I long ago accepted the fact, I will never own a large motor yacht.  And probably not a small one either.  It's simply not for me.


I see ads on TV for fancy vacation destinations.  I would like to go there some day, but I really can't afford it.  With kids it becomes even more expensive and out of reach.  I have accepted that these fancy vacation destinations are simply not for me.


I would love to own a Jaguar or a Lamborghini.  Maybe even a Lexus.  But I can't afford them and even if I could, there are probably better places to spend my money than on fancy cars.  These things are simply not for me.


When I was younger I always wanted to let my hair grow long.  But either my parents or my bosses objected to it.  So even though I liked long hair and I wanted to grow it out.  I had to accept that long hair was simply not for me.


I have seen gay couples in my travels. Even if they are not holding hands you can tell they are a couple by how they interact with each other. I have read stories and blogs from gay couples who are living their lives as their hearts guide them to. Because I have made the decision that, even though I had strong attraction to men, I wan not going to be gay. (Remember I used to thing that being gay was all about the act of having sex with men.) So at that time I accepted the fact that even though I wanted to have a relationship with a man, it was not for me.


So the past few days I have been writing about the fantasies in my head.  These are some of the things I desire to have in my life.  I find myself thinking about it more and more.  I am thinking, maybe it IS for me.  Maybe I can have that life.  Maybe it is not too late for me.  Maybe I can follow my heart.  Maybe I can have the life that other gay men have.  To know the love of a man and to love that man in return.  To have a commitment and to experience life together.


Maybe it is for me.


Maybe.


Stay Tuned.

Honey I'm Home

It has been a long day.  I am tired.  As I pull into the drive way I see your car is already there, which is unusual.  This is usually the night you have to work late.  What a nice surprise.


As I trudge up the walk I can hear music.  There is something else.  A smell in the air. Onion.  Is that bacon?  You are cooking.  Another nice surprise. I begin to perk up a little.  


I close the door behind me and set my bag full of homework by the front door.  I slip off my shoes and head toward the kitchen.  You are at the counter dicing potatoes.  Your back it to me, and you don't hear come in over the music.  As I get closer as you a scraping the chopped potaotes into a mixing bowl.  I get close and wrap my arms around your waist.  I can feel your abs tighten as you inhale sharply.  I kiss the back of your neck.  You grasp my hands and turn your head, "You are home early." I say.


"My meeting got canceled this week, so I thought I would surprise you with dinner."  


I just smile as your turn in my embrace to face me.  I plant a kiss on the end of your nose.  


"That's it?" you ask.


"No, There is more."  I plant a quick, gentle kiss on your lips.  Then another one.  Then another one.


"Are you just going to tease me?" you ask with a grin.


I smile back.


I let you go.


I turn off the stove.


I take off, running upstairs with you right behind me.

A Slice of Heaven

It is quiet, except for the crickets, the bullfrogs by the pond and the crackle of the fire.

After a long day chasing after the kids, they are all in the tent, in their sleeping bags, dreaming of tomorrow's activities.  This is our time and for now, we are alone.


I stare into the fire.  Mesmerized by the glow of the coals and the flicker of the flame.  Except for the occasional fire fly and the stars, it is the only light source. 


Our chairs are next to each other.  There is a cold beer in each chair's armrest.  I look over at you and you are staring into the fire, seemingly at the same spot where I was just looking.  The flicker of firelight casts strange shadows on your face, and I can see the brightness of your eyes.  


Your elbow is on the armrest, and your hand is in your lap.  I reach over and take your hand and pull it toward me.  Your eyes meet mine, just for an instant, then return to the fire.  My gaze also returns to the fire.  Dancing and flickering.  I gently squeeze your hand as your thumb absently rub back and forth on my hand.  We do not speak, but I notice that we are breathing together.  In and out.  In and out.


It is quiet, except for the crickets, the bullfrogs by the pond and the crackle of the fire.


I look over at you and squeeze your hand again you turn to meet my eyes.  I can see the fire reflected in your eyes.  At the same time we lean into each other as if a magnetic force was push us.  I close my eyes as our lips meet and press together in a gentle kiss.  I can feel the stubble of your beard against my lips.  I breath in your scent as we kiss for a moment.


As we separate and  open my eyes I see that your are looking up.  Through the trees there is a small patch of sky, and in that small area there must be a million stars.  This time you are squeezing my hand, I look back at you and we kiss again, this time lingering a but longer.

As we slowly separate, we return to the fire.  Again I am mesmerized by the flames, as we continue to hold hands.  Breathing in time as if we are 2 souls in one body.

It is quiet, except for the crickets, the bullfrogs by the pond and the crackling fire.

I'm Feeling OK for a Change

Lately  I have been feeling pretty good.  I do not have that depressed feeling I have had for a long time, even thought things are in flux a lot more than I would like.


T and I are working through the awkward transition from boyfriends to just friends.  He is trying hard to be supportive and is encouraging me to get out an meet people.  He thinks I should be more aggressive than I have been and reach out to more people.


K is doing OK with me, but I think she is really wishing that we had the farm she really wants.  I think she is ready for me to move out, but she also knows that if I have to spend money on rent, then there will be no more money to save for the house on the farm she wanted.  When I offer to resume looking for a place to go, she laments that it's a lot of money to piss away on rent when I will probably spend much of my time at the house here with the kids.


In the meantime, I am am exploring possibilities.  I am assessing the things I want in life and the things I can work around.


I had an e-mail exchange with the Pastor of K's church.  I told him among other things, that I was worried about the reactions of the church people not towards me, but towards K and the kids because of me.  I also told him that I was convinced the God created me the way I am and love me as I am.  I was surprised when he confirmed that he also believed that God created gay people, gay.  It was refreshing and maybe I have to consider that not a religious people hate gay people.


I meet with him in about 3 weeks and I am actually looking forward to it.  I'll keep you posted.

Share vs. Experiance

So I am looking, and looking.  


For what?


What is it I am looking for?  


Love, of course.


I had love with T.  Why was that not enough?  He would have been a partner I could have shared my life with, he just would not have lived with me.  "We can still share everything," he would tell me.  How?  In a daily phone call?


Yes, we could share everything that way.  That is when it occurred to me.  I don't want to share life with my man.  I want to EXPERIENCE life with my man.


This is why K and I are as close as we are.  We have experienced 18 years together.  That is something you cannot replicate over the phone or in text messages.  You have to BE THERE with your partner.  You have to be together, physically, not just in your mind or in your heart.


This is important to me and it is something that I will not compromise on.  I need it.  I can compromise on most anything about how I get to be together with my partner, but I must BE with him.  While I love T and I will continue to love him, he has chosen not be my partner.  It is time for me to move on.  I hope I can keep him as my friend.


In the mean time I am finding meeting people to be depressing, but I am trying to remember that making friends is a good thing and I should do it as often as I can.