My First Asian Boyfriend (and other men I have loved)

I was going to write an entry about the regret I sometimes feel.  Regretting that my life is not going the way I planned years ago. But then I got to thinking, how did I not see this coming?  How did I not know I was gay?  I mean really, all the signs were there.  All anyone would have to do is analyze my TV watching habits.

Remember these guys?  Back when Johnny Depp was cute.  This is the cast of "21 Jump Street"  Back then I watched this show all the time, but I didn't give a shit about Johnny whats-his-face, I was watching Dustin Nguyen (the Asian guy).  I don't remember his character's name, but I remember watching all the scenes he was in with great interest.

I used to watch Baywatch too, but by then I was already married.  I knew some guys who watched it for the hot chicks on there but not me.  In later seasons I had another excuse to watch.  See the guy on the right in the picture.  He's Mike Bergin.  Before working on Baywatch, he was the Calvin Klein underwear model that replaced Marky Mark (Marc Walberg).  Here is another picture of him.

I watched because he is crazy hot, right?  But there is another reason.  I've seen him naked.  In fact, I have seen him naked lots of times.  No.  Not pictures on the Internet.  I know Mike personally, or at least I used to.  In fairness I have not seen him in 20 years, but I am sure he would remember me.   You see in my first 2 years of college, he lived in my dorm, in the room directly across the hall.  We (and 50 other guys) shared a bathroom with an open shower.   Many times our schedule would match in the morning before class we would happen to be there at the same time.


Mike is not gay and the only sex I ever had with him was in my head.  He did look this good in school, maybe not quite as ripped. I would sometimes hang out with him, almost always in a group with other friends, but it's not like we were best buddies or anything.


There were other clues for me too.

Looking back I don't think I watched the "Dukes of Hazard" for the car chases.

I was a Star Trek fan (I still am) and I may have started watching "TJ Hooker" because it had William Shatner in it, but I kept watching for the other guy.  

This black underwear scene was in the very first episode and in the opening credits, there was about 2 seconds of this guy with his shirt off.  I never wanted to miss that.

Don't get me started on the crush I had on Eddie Van Halen.  Have you seen him recently.  YIKES!!  I'm glad that love affair didn't work out.  He has not aged well.

What do I need to say about Marc Singer back in the 1980's?  Yes, I saw this movie many, many times.


It's all so clear to me now, all these years later.  I was clearly gay back then and so far in denial, even in my own head.  If this is not proof that people are born gay, that it is hard wired into our heads, then I don't know what is.


I guess if there is anything to be regretful for, it's that I did not see the signs for myself.  That I allowed myself to ignore my true self and pretend enough to marry a women and start a family.  If I had been less afraid, I could have come out when I was younger.  My life would have been so much different.


Different for the better?  I can't say.