Startling Admission

I hesitate to even write about this.  Considering I pretty much bare myself completely in this blog, I should be able to write about anything, right?   I was not sure I was ever going to write about this. 

It’s kind of embarrassing.

I have been reading gay romance novels.

There.  I said it.

Stop laughing.   I mean it!!

I know, I know.  What man reads romance novels?  Gay ones I guess.  (As a side note, my sister reads my blog and I know I will soon get a mocking text about this.)

Several years ago, before I met T and before I really came out to K, I found a website that published gay stories online.  Not porn stores, just gay stories.  I found several stores written by someone who calls himself DomLuka.  The first story I ready was called “The Ordinary Us”.  It is about a closeted gay high school kid.  (to find it click here) 

Then I read another one about an older kid, post high school age, who comes out to this parents, get’s kicked out and goes to live with his older brothers.  While there he falls in love with a troubled kid who lives next door.  There is also a sequel to it as well.

I was reading these usually when I was traveling.  Waiting in an airport or on a plane.   I started to read lots of books, but the ones by DomLuka are extremely  well written.  I felt for the characters and got sucked into the stories.  In a lot of way I was identifying with them and I wanted to live their lives, but I was trapped my denial that I was even gay at all.  Never mind that fact that I was in a straight marriage.

I guess it was a escape, but at the same time there was a lot of regret in me too.  That I was wasting my life being in denial.

I stopped reading them when I stopped traveling so much.  I didn’t have as much time on my own and I think I was starting to get tired of them.  These “coming of age” stories all seemed to follow a similar pattern.

About 2 weeks ago I found a website that reviews gay-themed books.   By far the largest categories of gay book are erotica and romance.  I was surprised to see so many authors of gay romance novels are straight women.   The one I reading now was written by a straight woman.

I looked through the top rated ones (Apparently, there is a lot of crap.) and I checked to see if they were downloadable on my e-reader.  They were.  So I bought 4 books.  I am almost finished with the second one.

So, why are these books so interesting to me now?  I am not in the closet anymore.  I have a partner (notice I didn’t say boyfriend) who I am deeply in love with and who loves me back.  So why am I reading?  What I am escaping from?  Over the past few days I have thought about it, I don’t think I am escaping from anything.  I think the stories resonate with me on a more aspirational level.   On one level they tell the story of something T and I already have.  Deep love and commitment.  On another level, they tell the story of something we don’t have yet.  We are not together all the time.  We are not living as partners in life as we are partners in your hearts.

Everyone knows that I want that daily, life partnership.   Maybe reading the stores of other people who have found the happiness they want will inspire me to keep perusing my own with the only man I have ever loved.