I was talking to T last night. He is worried about my well being. He asked me if I wanted him to come a visit me on Wednesday and stay the night. My answer to that question is always the same. "Of course. I always want you to come."
"What would you like to do?" he asked.
"I don't know. Anything is fine." I said. "I guess I need to see what K's work or school schedule is like."
"When she is done with school in December, it should be better, right?" He asked.
"I don't know that either." I replied. "It might be worse. She might work nights because it pays better."
"She will have to work it out with you."
"HA!" I chuckled. "It does not work that way. She works the hours she wants to and I adapt. I get whatever shit is left over. That's just how it works."
Then I thought about that for a moment. "Damn it! It's just one more person who fucking puts me at the back of the line. I always get the scraps."
Is it so much to ask to have someone in my life who puts me first? Where I am the first person they ask before they do something, rather than the last person? Why can't I have that? Why is that soooo hard.
I don't think this is helping my feelings of depression at all.
Maybe I need to get a dog.
3 comments:
This may be a harsh observation, but question might be: "Why are you always putting yourself last?"
I know the feeling because I lived in your exact situation for many, many years. But I'm trying to gradually emerge from that. For example, I went on my first-ever solo vacation last week to Washington, DC, for a blogger meet-up, although I really couldn't afford it.
But the reality was, everyone (the three kids and the three dogs) managed very well without me.
I suppose because that's what I do. I did it when I was married, but then it was a partnership. K and I put each other and the kids first. Neither of us did much of anything without checking with the other.
I liked that. That was a real partnership and we did it because we lived together as a single family unit. T and I don't.
I could write a whole blog post about this...
Its a tough thing to change ones thinking and mode of operation, but it sounds like its time for a massive change. You are no longer married to K, got that? Your life and needs are equal to hers, and its time you put your foot down and assert yourself. Stop bending over for her!
No more doormat-ness for you, ok? Your needs and desires are just as valid and important as K's and T's are, got it? Good. Now, I want you to sit down and decide what it is you want and what it is about your life that makes you want to scream, and then see if there is any way to achieve your wants and how to reduce the things that make you scream.
T needs to man up and either break up with you, or make you much more of a priority. I dont see why his parents couldnt do without him a few nights a week. He could split his time between you and them. Everyone would not get full time T, but its a start for the two of you. If T were straight he would have married and moved out of the house long ago, he needs to understand that your feelings and needs are as important as his.
For whatever reason you're trapped in many relationships that treat you as a second class citizen, and I think thats one thing that could be fueling your depression. It's time to be brave and make everyone understand you will no longer put up with this sort of treatment. Make a firm stand and then stick to it. Yes, there will be yelling, and unhappy people, especially K, but if you dont fight for what you truly want, you'll never be given it.
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