Eleven months ago when I broke up with T, I was frustrated that he was not living up to my fantasy. He was not doing the things I wanted him to do. He was more attached to his family than he was to me and that was hard for me.
He was doing exactly what he said he would do. What he told be from the beginning he would do.
When I broke up with him I was deeply in love him, as he was with me. There was a magic between us when we were together and an emptiness when we were apart. And we were apart much to much for my liking.
I kept hoping that he would live up to my fantasy. In many ways he did. In others he did not.
Eleven months later I am still in love with him. It took me 6 months to even think about looking for someone else to date. When I met someone, my feeling for him sabotaged that relationship.
I wear this ring all the time. I never take it off. Not even to sleep or shower. The Chef asked me about it.
"What's that ring you have there? It's nice. Does it have any special meaning?" he asked.
"Naw. It's just something I bought online cause I liked it." was my truthful reply. I did, in fact, buy it online and I do like it. It was, however, what K would call, "a lie of omission."
I knew why he was asking the question. I knew what he wanted to know and I withheld that information. I failed to mention that I bought not one, but 2 rings. The second ring T wears on a chain around his neck, at least he used to. It is not a ring I bought simply to decorate my finger. I bought it a a symbol and a reminder of a specific love. I continue to wear it in recognition of that love. I never took it off the whole time I was seeing the Chef.
That was only the first lie. There were many others, like these:
Q: You are still friends with your ex? Do you still love him?
A: Well, I still care about him, but I don't love him anymore.
Q: How often do you talk to him?
A: Oh... we may exchange text messages a couple times a week. I might call him once or twice a month.
Q: What if his situation changed and he wanted you back? What would you do?
A: He had his chance with me. He could not get shit together so I am not really interested anymore.
Lies, lies, lies.
I am generally not a good liar. I am very transparent to people who know me well. K can spot it in 3 seconds and I am sure T would catch it just as fast. But the Chef did not know me that well so he never knew the difference. Except he did. He knew deep down that even though he was into me, I was distracted.
I know I am starting to ramble a little (it's 12:45am) but the reason I am telling this is say I know that I am the cause of my own pain and frustration. T was honest and open. I let my fantasy get away with me and I was upset that he did not come along on my crazy train. Given it to do over again, I would not have broken up with him last year. I would have remembered that our love together made the frustration worth it.
I also wanted to get out that my love for T has not changed over the past months.
There is something else. I am kind of getting used to being alone. I am not over powered by loneliness like I was before. I still get lonely, and I wish for T to be with me more, but I am not in the same place I was before. I think the 6 month I was alone before I started looking to date, probably did me some good.
I know he loves me a lot. I know we will always be close. But I don't think he is "in love" with me anymore. I think his heart is open for someone else at this point and he would not let me back in. He would be too scared I would leave again.
I can't say I blame him.
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