I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. (Well, my US readers anyway) My mother came to visit me. Also my uncle (my mom's brother) and his wife came too. My mother was here about a week. My aunt and uncle were here for 2 days.
The morning my uncle was leaving for home, I met them breakfast with my mother. The topic of my relationship with K, AJ and the kids. Granted it is unusual. Its not every gay man who is welcome in his ex-wife's house all the time. AJ commented on it again when I showed up there on the morning and he made me a cup of coffee. He mentioned how strange it was for a man to by making coffee for his wife's ex-husband.
Over and over I have said it. It's fucked up, but it works.
My aunt & uncle and my mother kept telling me that I had done a great job. That my relationship with the kids seemed excellent. My relationship with their mother was very good too. My uncle mentioned at one point that I was lucky things were so harmonious. I agreed to a point. I as luck that K was not hostile, like many ex-wives can be.
The more I thought about it, it really had nothing to do with luck at all. I worked my ass off over 6 years to get these relationships where they are. It took a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice.
My uncle does not know I have a blog so he has not followed my struggle over the past several years. He does not know how I stressed about making the divorce as painless for K and kids as I could.
He does not see the countless hours I spend at K's house with the kids to keep the relationship with my kids as good as it can be. The do not call AJ "dad" because I am there all the time. I still give my daughter a hug most nights before she goes to sleep. On the mornings when K is working over night at the hospital, I get up early so I can wake my daughter up and get her ready for school.
I have sacrificed a lot of time that I should have used for myself. I could have been building relationship with other people. Maybe I would have had more time to find a boyfriend. Or just spend more time with the few friends I have. It just might have been more fun.
But I choose a different path. Even though I am out of the closet, I still live the life of a family man. Nothing is free. I have a great relationship with my kids, but I am lonely as hell the rest of the time.
The Chef tells me I need to spend more time for myself. He says I am not getting any younger. He says that my kids will always be my kids and I don't need to worry about them as much as I do. He says that no matter what I do, the kids will not drift away from me. I am not sure I want to take that chance.
2 comments:
Agree. This outcome didn't happen by accident. A lot of hard work and agonizing went into this effort over the years. I do think it's lucky that K found AJ. She's not alone in mid-life, and that's probably one reason she has adjusted well to this situation.
There's only so many hours in a day, so much you can do. I think you have your priorities right. You're making a sacrifice for your kids and I respect that. And agree with it. They need you more than the chef can imagine.
As the kids get older they will need and want less time with you. You'll have more time for yourself.
I was raised by a wonderful woman and my father was absent. I agree that your relationships with your children, ex and her new husband, none of those relationships are accidental. Perhaps you can make the case that the time and energy necessary to maintain/build those relationships in the face of such adversity was more than could be reasonably expected of you. I see it very differently. These years with your children are precious. I get that you want to find a companion and I know it sucks to be alone. Still before you know it your children will be off and seeking life for themselves. Making the most of these moments now gives you wonderful odds of having your children become some your best most treasured adult friendships. I think that your doing right by your children and in the long run that will have more value than anything else. The right kind of partner will be someone who see that you investing in your children makes you a man of integrity.
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