Listening To The Waves

K has been coaching girls volleyball for almost as long as I have known her.  She has coached high school, college and Junior Olympic teams over the years.  Every MLK day weekend for the past 6 or 7 years she has taken a team to a large tournament at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.  It a about 4 hours drive from where we live.  I have never gone, mostly because watching her coach a bunch of girls I don't know is boring.  This year my daughter is playing, so I made the trip.


Right now I'm sitting on the balcony of my room on the 10th floor of the hotel right on the beach. It's just after midnight and I'm looking out into the darkness.  I'm listening to the pounding surf and it's making me feel good.  It's making me feel better.  


There is something soothing about listening to actual waves. (Not a wave simulator app). The actual sound of water crashing into the sand, makes me feel good. In the same way that a crackling fire makes me feel good.


Tomorrow when the sun comes up it will be even nicer.  Now all I can see is the darkness of the Atlantic Ocean.  I can only see the water when the waves break and the hotel lights catch the white surf.  


It's like an old friend.  It's helping me forget my loneliness.  Forget the Chef and how he keep trying to get back into my life just to hurt me again.  It does not help me forget T.  In fact being here makes me miss T more.  I would love to be here with him.  He has ZERO tolerance for the cold so he would be watching the surf from inside the hotel room, not on the balcony.  :-)


Maybe next year I'll have someone to share this with me.  Fore this trip, I'll share it with my daughter and she will always remember going to beach in the winter with Daddy.

I Needed Some Spoons

My roommate moved out at the beginning of December.  He told me around the middle of November he would be moving in with his girlfriend.  I was happy for him and sad for me.    He was a really good roommate.  For a straight guy he was VERY gay friendly.  While were we not buddies, we did chat on the rare times we were home together.  He was respectful of my house and did a good job cleaning up after himself.  My daughter really loved his dog.  I was pretty spoiled.  Now I have to go find another roommate.  I don’t NEED to.  I can pay my bills myself, but I kinda got used to that extra money coming in every month.


This weekend I was looking for a spoon to stir my coffee, but they were all dirty.  I’m not home that much so I don’t run the dishwasher.  Then I counted my spoons.  I thought I had more than that.  Where the hell did they all go?


Well, I went online to Amazon.com, where I shop for nearly everything I need first to see what they have.  They had several sets and some of them were pretty nice.   I don’t need nice.  I like utility.  I like simple and functional.  I do not pay extra for ornate designs on my spoons.  That said, I decided that I would like a matched set of spoons, forks and knives.  The ones I have are a mix of ones I have collected over the years.  I honestly can’t remember how I collected them all.


On Amazon I found a basic set that I liked and it was at a good price.   I read through the comments and it seemed most people liked them.  There was one review however that said this set was available a less that half price at IKEA, if I was able to go to a store.  There is a store about 30 min away.  What luck!!  


I headed down with my youngest son and my middle son.  I think they just wanted to get out of the house, but it turned out that we had a lot of fun looking at all the stuff.


While I enjoyed the time shopping with my sons, I could not help but notice all the couples shopping together.  Holding hands, looking at stuff for the homes they shared together.  Most of the ones I noticed were the younger couples.    The ones without kids.  The ones that seems to still be in that “honeymoon” stage.  Mostly it was straight couples, but there were a few gay couples too.   


I did not pine over this.  It did not spoil my afternoon out with my boys, but it was yet another reminder of what I want so badly for myself.  At the moment, I have no prospects.  The only people who seems to be interested in me are crazy people, and it seems even they are not interested anymore.  


I had a lot of family time this Christmas season.  It was mostly nice.  I was not sad or depressed about my single status.  I have tried to have fun with the kids.  We saw several movies, both a home and in the theater.  My youngest son got a small radio controlled airplane that was surprisingly easy for him to fly.  We went to a nearby ball field many times to fly it.  They were short trips (the battery only last about 10 min) but it was quality time spent with him.  



I was able to see T a couple of times over the holidays.  Our relationship is in a good place and I think we are more comfortable with each other and where we stand.  I still love him deeply and I always will.  Every time I see him, my happiness level goes way up.  I think that is because I have fully accepted his limitations and I no longer have the wishful thinking that caused me so much stress.  Now we are free to simply enjoy being together as close friends.  


Today is the last day of the holiday.  K and AJ have gone away for the day.  I am here with them at her house, trying to get things back into the normal routine as school starts again tomorrow.


I think January will be a planning month for me.  I am going to work hard to control what I eat so I can really start losing weight.  I am going to clean out my house, and either get another roommate or get it ready to sell so I can find a smaller place.  I have a trip to England planned at the end of the month and when I am back from that, I will start taking a more active role in my dating life.    I’ll talk more about that in another post.