Moving Along, but Adrift

Things for me are moving along, but like all things with me, they are moving slowly.  Sometimes I feel lonely and depressed.  Other times, I am to busy to feel much of anything.

T and I text every day and we talk on the phone a once or twice times a week.  We see each other rarely.  In the past several months I have only seen him when we were with lots of other people.  He would invite me to a large family dinner for example.   I enjoy going to these kinds of events, but they do not afford much time for T and I to talk.

Sometimes when we talk I tell him how I am feeling.  To be honest I think he is tired of hearing about it, but since I really don't have anyone else to talk to, he is stuck with it.  One day he will just tell me to shut the fuck up.

Not long ago he told me I was "letting life drift by".  Personally I think I am stuck in the current, but either way, I am not taking control of my life.  I am letting other pull me in one direction or another.  The things I need to take charge of, I am not.  So what am I going to do about it?  

I opened a new profile on a gay dating site.  This site is known as more of a hook up site, but you never know (and it's free).  In the first week I have had 3 people write to me, not counting the four hot, muscular, young guys who wanted to know if I am "generous".   Two of the people who wrote to me, wrote very short notes about themselves.  I wrote back to them, with a little something about myself.  That must have been enough to turn both of them off, because I never heard from either of them again.  The third guy turned out to be a closeted, married guy who wanted a secret man on the side to play with.  Umm...  No thanks.

I am still talking to the Chef, but I we are still not sure where we are going with each other.  We seem to often misunderstand each other over little things are we both get upset about them.  It's not only are we not on the same page, we are not in the same book.  He keep telling me that once we understand each other better, than we could be good together, and will look back at this time a laugh.  I am not so sure.  I am not ready to commit to him and he knows that.  I'll keep taking to him, but honestly I cannot wait for us to suddenly click.  I am not getting any younger.  Even if we are not destine to be partners, I still would like to count him as a friend.

I know they are baby steps, but I am moving along.