Sleepy and ...

"No one likes gays who pretend to be straight."

That was the last thing that K said to me before we went to sleep last night. I was too tired last night to ask her about it, but I think I know what she meant.

I have been thinking a lot about living (and loving) with integrity. I have been worried about how my leaving K would effect her. The pain and suffering that we will experience when I leave. The pain of shattered dreams and the loss of a life planned.

But now I am starting to see the pain is here and there is nothing I can do to stop it anyway. While she knows that I love her deeply, I do not love her in the was that a husband should love his wife. She knows that. If I stay here and pretend to be straight, I will be doing just that, pretending and she will know it. Stay or go, the pain is still there.

No one likes gays who pretend to be straight.

Especially straight spouses.