43 years

Everyone, this is my mom and dad. Mom and dad, this is everyone.

On Thanksgiving, my parents had their 43rd wedding anniversary. In this day and age it is a long time to be together. Over the years, like all couples, there are ups and downs, but 43 years later they are still together.

Congratulations!!

This was something I had always wanted for myself. I like stability and I like things that last. If it was not for the gay thing, I know that K and I would be together forever. I know she always thought that too and it was important to her.

I alway thought it was cool that I could tell people I have been married 16 years (many of them happy). Soon I won't be able to do that anymore. I will just be another divorced guy who could not make his marriage work.

In the long run, I would really like to meet a man that I can have a life long partnership with. I was the stability of knowing that the man I love will be there for me to come home to every night. We can share the ups and downs of life together, at each other's side. When I find the one I am looking for (and it might well be T) he will be the only one I want. I am not interested in a open relationship. I am not interested in "playing together". I am interested in coming home from work to the man I love, making dinner together while discussing the events of the day. Then snuggling on the couch to watch TV, before going to bed. I want my partner to be with me, as much as possible, when I do things with my family (and kids, and even K) and I want to do things with his. I would like to be able to get together with other couples, gay and straight, and have dinner, play cards, or whatever.

For now I am stuck, knowing that I cannot stay on the path I am on, visualizing where I am going, but I unable to tell which path will get me there.

Returning to "Normal"

Thanksgiving is over. My in-laws are on their way home and things are returning to normal around here, or at least as normal as things get around here.

Over the past few days there have been some developments.

K bought a horse. We have been looking for one for a while. Ideally we are hoping to sell our house and move to a small farm, but in the mean time she bought a horse. She really needed something that she can have for herself. It will force her to take "me" time and I think in the long run it will make her happier. She really does not take time for herself and I think that is why she is under such stress all the time.

There is also another benefit for me. All the time she spends at the barn is recreational time for her. I have almost none and I think it will be easier for me to get away and do things on my own.

-------------------------------

We had a nice visit with my in-laws. I don't think that has sever happened before. They are always nice to me. My problem with them has always been that I don't like they treat K. K gets very stressed when they get together, which in turn makes life difficult for me. That did not happen this time. I don't really know why, but it didn't. Maybe I don't care why.

------------------------------

K and I together have had a good week. We did not really discuss our situation much, but we did a lot of stuff together and a lot of the time I was able to forget that we are not the happy, perfect family that people see. Her parents were able to watch the kids and K and I even went out at midnight on Thursday to stand in line in the cold for the very best Black Friday deals. We hung out like best friends and it was really nice.

There was only one time I felt really lonely... it was the time between Thanksgiving dinner and desert. K and her mom did most of the cooking, so it seemed fair that I would clean up. While I was working, K, her parents and the kids started playing the Wii and they were all having a good time. I was alone in the kitchen. Now, my house has an open floor plan and there is not much separation between the kitchen and the rest of house so it is not like I was really alone, but I felt that way. I know it was probably irrational. I had a feeling that the family was all together and having a good time without me, knowing that sooner or later I will separated from them.

------------------------------------------

I have not seen T this weekend. We exchanged about 200 text messages on Thanksgiving. He was with his family and I was with mine. I wondered what it would be like if/when we are able to spend holiday together. I know my holidays will be mostly devoted to my kids, but I thought a lot about him being able to be with me.

-----------------------------------------

All that bring me to today. I am feeling down today.

I sent T a note to see if he wanted to get together tonight. He can't because he already promised to take his nieces and nephews to the movies tonight. Then he invited me along. I was surprised he did that. One of this sisters-in-law will be there whom I have not met yet. I doubt she know that we (T and I) are a couple. I told him I would see if I could make it.

As I thought about it, I figured it would be very awkward and I did not much like hiding our relationship from his family. He called me when he was finished with work and I told him I could not go. I told him I thought it would be awkward, plus there were others things I had to do. He got upset with me, "If you can't come, just say that." he said. I'm not sure he understood my point, but oh well.

Now I am lonely, depressed and my boyfriend is mad at me.

sigh.

Feeling Thankful

So it's Thanksgiving again and as I look back over the turmoil of the past 19 months I can see I still have a lot of be thankful for.

I was born into a great family. We never had a lot of money, but we had enough. We never took fancy trips, but we went places together. Life growing up was not perfect, but the older I get I see it it was pretty damn good. Now, my family is not only supporting of me in my coming out and the new chapter of my life, they are eager to be supportive to K too. (K is having a hard time accepting that support, but I know in time she will.) How cool is that?

I have grown a good family of my own too. I have 4 great kids (most of the time anyway) and they are all connected to each other. Of course they have the same problems that all siblings have, but they do pretty well.

Despite all our current problems, K is still one of the best things that has happened to me. She has been a fan from the beginning and I am her biggest fan. I have been blessed to be with my best friend for almost 18 years. We still like be together and I know (hope) we will always be close no matter what direction life takes us. Even though our marriage will not survive, I will alway love, honor and cherish her.

I am thankful for T on so many levels. He has patiently supported me for the past year and a half asking very little in return. Our relationship survives on very little and yet I know I am in love with him and he is in love with me. While our situation is not perfect either, he as shown what real love is about. Because of him I know that butterfly feeling in the fit of your stomach when you see the one you are in love with. I think a lot about the day when we can really be together and really be partners in life.

I have a good job with a stable company. To make it better, for the most part, I really like my job too.

I have good friends, even though most of them don't know who I really am.

I am making new friends. I am SOOOOOO thankful for the friends I have made since I have started this blog just over 5 months ago. The support I have received from people whom I have never met in person and maybe very far away has been wonderful. It has helped me feel a lot less alone in the world. Even though I know the path I am on I must walk alone, finally being able to see there are many other sets of footprints on the path, gives me hope and strength to keep going.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone, and to God, for the blessings in my life.

Bad Day at Work, Good Day at Home

I am still sick, but I had to go into work anyway. At worked it sucked. I had an early meeting that I had to facilitate, but the others in the meeting did not seem to want to go where I was taking them. It was very frustrating and add that to the my not feeling well, it made for a really shitty day.

----------------------------------

Today, in our little town, we had our Thanksgiving parade. It is a really big deal in town and practically the whole town turns out to see it. My 2 youngest kids were on a float and they had a real good time.

After that we went home. I was beat. Just drained to my core at the end of the day.

K's parents are doing pretty well, if fact, better then I expected. Today the kids were in school and K and her parents talked a little about our situation. They did not talk too much, but I expected them to be in denial about the whole thing and they are not. They are worried about K, the kids and even me. I think that it was good for K to know that they really do care.

K was really worried about me too. We talked about my day at work and then when she went downstairs she told me that she needed a bottle of wine and a good fucking. She looked at me, and walked away. I was not sure if she was talking about me. It made me a little nervous which made be feel funny. Only a gay guy would have this kind of stress at the prospect of having sex with his wife. (Yet another clue that I am just a gay as I think I am.)

One more day of work and then 4 days off.

Bracing For What is to Come

I am sick (probably just a cold) so I am working from home today.

K's parents arrive tonight for the Thanksgiving holiday. They will be here until Saturday. Even K thinks they are crazy.

God, give me strength.

Epiphany

An epiphany is a sudden awakening to the essential nature or meaning of things. The day you realised that babies aren't delivered by storks: that was an epiphany. The day you recognised that men and women are not the same: that was an epiphany. The day you realised that your web site is your business and your software can't handle your traffic - that was an epiphany. It's a different kind of world, you need a different kind of software.

IBM advertisement - "Epiphany" - Avery Brooks

The day you realize you are different from other boys, that was an epiphany. The day you realized you were gay, that was an epiphany. The day you realized that you can no longer pretend to be something you are not, THAT was an epiphany.

Snoring Together

I saw T last night. We spent a few hours together. We spent almost all of the time just lying together . He works on Saturday so he was a little tired. He fell asleep in my arms. Lightly snoring with this head on my chest. It has been a long time since anyone has slept in my arms. I did not sleep, but laid there listening to him breathe and stroking his hair. I remember thinking how comfortable I felt with him. I there is a part of me that wished I had that every night.

While I have always loved K, many times when we were together, I felt awkward, often unsure if I was doing the right things. I suppose that should have been a clue years ago. Damn.

Of course, we could not spend the whole night together and I had to go home. Part of me was filled and happy, while another part was sad I had to leave him. And there will always be part of me that feels guilty for having someone to love me like that, while K is struggling.

Good Days and Bad Days

So there are good days and bad days. Today is a good day. K and I have been getting along pretty well.

Yesterday she had her second meeting with her therapist with a gay ex-husband. She told me about it and she seemed like she was making progress in her won head. Today she spent most of the day with a girl-friend and had fun. I think she really needed that. She needed to get out of the house, away from the kids and me and really have some quality "me" time. In her case is was both "me" time and girl time. I will talk to about it later, but when I got home from works she seemed in a good mood.

I am trying not to let this lull me into a false sense of security, but if I can have more of these good days and fewer of the bad days, that's a great thing.

-------------------------------------------------

Tomorrow I am going to see T. I am very excited about it. I have no idea what we will do, but I also don't really care. As long as I can spend some time with him close to me, I will be a happy homo.

Having Cards on the Table

With all the shit going on in my life (can I say "shit" in a blog?) there is one part that is good. For the most part, I have all my cards on the table and there is an amazing freedom in that. A relief.

I am not out to everyone in the real world, but I am in a place where I am ready for everyone to know. The people who really matter in my life know who I am. Gone are the days where I had to worry about what they will think if they find out. They know who I am and love me anyway. What a relief.

While I worry how my kids will react, it really is more about the crap they will get from others and the pain involved with the divorce. I think, in the end, the kids will accept me as I am.

I am not living the life I am supposed to, but I am on the way there. I have made a lot of progress over the past year. A lot more since I started this blog. I don't know if it is the act of sitting down to write most every day, those commends and messages I have received or some combination of the two that has propelled me forward.

When I started this I resolved to post about every other day, not so anyone will have something to read, but so I will force myself to organize at least one thought every time. I know that sometimes I write about the same thing, usually from a slightly different perspective, but it's the act of writing it out helps a lot. That fact that there a couple of people who ready what I right is icing on the cake. I'm really glad there are some who follow me and I am grateful for the support they have shown me.

Tuesday Update

Lately I have take some of the advice I have been given lately. I am letting K be mad and hurt. I can't really do anything about it, so I am letting it happen. It's breaking my heart and it's wearing her down. I don't like to see her this way. She is not the same person. She rarely smiles or laughs anymore and I really like to hear her laugh.

On another note, we are preparing for her parents to come visit from Thanksgiving. They are crazy. It's not just me that thinks so. K thinks so too. Their nuttiness makes our situation worse, since they are not really supportive of her. As her parent they should be sopping over with support, but since they suck, they are not. It's really to bad.

-----------------------------------------------------

For myself, I am doing well. I am plugging away at work and at home. There is freedom in the finality of being gay. I am gay and cannot change it no matter how much I want to. I cannot pretend I am straight even thought I know it will make it easier for everyone else. I have not come bursting out of my semi-closet, but I know I will never be able to go back in like I was. Taking that off the table is liberating, one less variable to think about.

Alone in a Crowd

Sometimes I feel alone even with other people, lots of other people around.

I was at church this morning with K and the kids. After the service there was a BBQ lunch. There must have been a hundred people, most of them families. Kids, parents, grandparents al together. Even though I was there with K and my kids I felt alone. I was also jealous of all the straight people, secure in who they are and fully accepted by those around them. It never occurred to any of these people to pretend to be something other that exactly what they are.

Yes, I know that everyone has a part of themselves that they do not share, but this is different. Hiding the basics of who you are from everyone, even yourself is a lonely road. Even denying the core of who you are. None of these happy church people know anything about that. They can't even start to understand it.

It's not their fault, of course. They naturally are exactly what everyone expects them to be. They did not struggle. They have always felt what those around them have felt, just as it was meant to be.

sigh.

I talked to my therapist last week about how I chose not to be gay. Thinking it was all about behavior (sex with other guys) i just figured I could choose not to do it, like any other behavior. I chose not to smoke. That decision is one that I still subscribe to and it has worked out great. I chose not to be gay. That did not work out as well. I could not turn off the yearning in my heart to love and be loved by a man.

Kids today are not as likely to do that as I was 20 years ago. There was no internet then, no blogs, no gay community centers. Just teachers telling you that men who have sex with other men get AIDS (which was new then) and since there is no cure, they die from it. Yikes!!!

If I had access to the information I have today, I know I would have made a different choice. I would not have married a straight woman. I may not have come out in high school, but probably in college. I would have looked for a gay man that I could love. But...

If that had happened, I would be out some stuff too. I would be out one best friend (K), 4 kids, and man who does truly love me (T).

K tells me all the time that everything happens for a reason. Maybe all this was part of God's plan from the beginning.

sigh

Good Day, Bad Day, Looking for the rainbow.

There are good days and there are bad day.

Maybe it is all my perception. Maybe she is angry all the time and I don't always see it. Maybe when she hides is, I assume progress is being made. Maybe I am stupid.

Maybe I am so desperate for everything to work out OK, that I am blind to the idea that it may not work out OK. It is very hard for me to think that way, but I am making some progress.

Not long ago, when K would display her anger and hurt, I would go over in my mind that maybe, just maybe I could go back into the closet and once again refuse to be gay. I don't feel that way anymore. I am gay, I will keep being gay and no matter how much I love her and want her to be happy, I cannot change who I am. I cannot stop being gay.

I have to accept that there will be ups and downs on this journey as I look for the rainbow.

Breaking Dawn?

Things might be looking up.

K talked to the pastor of the church and his attitude was to be supportive. He said we would have to find our own way and we should not be worried about what others think. She also received assurances that she was not going to be fired because I am gay.

Of particular interest to me was the way she told me she described our relationship to the pastor. We don't fight. We are best friends. That really made me feel good.

At the same time, it made me feel sad. It is another reminder that my life is marching forward to a state of permanent change. Soon it will all be different.

Steps. Forward? Backward?

So there are steps being taken, but it is not where I expected I would be.

I am not moving out. At least not right away. K and I are talking about stuff we have not talked about much before. I'm not going into much of it, but suffice it to say we are talking about the sources and effects of her pain and anger. On my side, I am talking about why I have done the things I have done over the years and how I felt about her and other things over the years.

I have been telling her about how I feel alone and out of place all the time and I have since I was a kid. I suspect a lot of gay men can identify with me on this.

I do not have a lot of friends. I have some, but most of them don't really know me. I am afraid to make new friends because I know I have to be careful of what I say, who I am looking at and feelings I express. I feel out of place. K works at a church and she like it when we all go to service on Sunday morning. I don't mind going. The people there are nice to me, but they don't know I am keeping, what in their eyes, is a terrible secret. I'm gay.

I have a hard time getting friendly with any of them because I know they would not be so friendly if they knew. I am an outsider. They don't treat me that way, but it IS that way, because I am hiding who I am.

I don't know if K gets that or not. I know she tries. I am tired of hiding. I am tired of pretending. I am slowing dying inside and I need to break free.

I have said before that at some point in my late teens I simply refused to be gay. Convinced it would go away eventually if I only behaved straight. Find the right woman and everything would be just fine. (Fake it until you make it.) Of course that only worked for a while.

I love K very much and I thought she would be the one that would change me, thought did not think of exactly in those terms at the time. So I pulled her into my deception. I was fooling myself and now I was fooling her too. That worked for a while too. But did it?

We took a cruise for out honeymoon. It was a lot of fun. On the first day we met another couple our age that was getting married in St. Thomas, one of the islands where the ship was stopping. They were really nice and fun to hang around with. I have forgotten their names but the guy was SMOKING HOT. I could not get enough of being around him. I was on my freaking honeymoon, I had been married about 6 or 7 hours and I was already checking out the cute boys on the ship. While I acted straight on the trip and told myself over and over I was not gay, I could not take my eyes off this hunk sitting across the table.

Looking back, I guess acting straight does not make you straight.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am hopeful that tomorrow will bring some positive moves. I K is meeting with a therapist who has personal experience being a straight spouse with a gay husband. This may be the person K needs to talk to that will be able to understand her problems. I am hoping she will get some good advice that she can use.

She is also going to talk to the paster of the church in the morning. She is not sure how much of the story she is going to tell him, but at least he is going to know there is no joy in Muddville. K is a little worried that if the church finds out that she could get fired. I told he I hoped not, plus she is not the gay one, I am. It's probably me they won't want to see again.

Cross your fingers.

Stop wasting time with gay marriage

I am a political junkie. I read political stuff on the internet all the time. There are lot's of political blogs out there and I am not going to try to make this one of them but I have a bee in my bonnet about this today.

I am gay (I may have mentioned that before) and I strongly the right of people to marry the person of their choosing (assuming they are of legal age).

I also think all this push for gay marriage is doing more harm than good and we should cut it out and focus on civil unions at the state and federal level. Yes I know that would cast us as second class citizens, but just for a little while. I know there are many who will not accept second class status, but it may be necessary. Here's why:

• It is totally absurd for civil right issues to be put to a vote by the majority. It is the function of the courts to protect the minority from laws that discriminate against any minority. Unfortunately, however, the court have not seen fit to perform their function. Now in 31 out of 50 stated we have lost because we have been insisting on marriage. People do not seem to have the stomach for that and it's hurting us.
• In Washington State a very good civil union law did pass a popular vote. Gay people in Washington can have a comprehensive civil union will all the state benefits of "marriage" without giving heartburn to straight people. Gay people in Maine and California got nothing. Is it unfair? Yes, but it's what we have right now.
• In every poll, people are much more likely to support civil unions for gay people than they are to support marriage. Why not let "marriage" be a religious term and let "civil union" be what happens at city hall. If we can get people support civil unions, it's a whole lot better than what we have today. Nothing, in most states. Something is better than nothing, even if it's not exactly what you want. Once the idea of civil unions is established, then we can (if we need to) go for changing the word to marriage.

Personally I think "Marriage" should be a strictly religious ceremony, with no power in the outside world. The couple (gay or straight) would then be required to across the street to city hall to obtain a civil union from a city clerk or some other official. Religious "marriages" would be treated but the government like a baptism or a bar mitzvah. Only civil unions would be recognized by the state.

Since the courts will not do their job, we need to work for civil unions.

Stepping off soapbox.

Ahhh... with only a touch of sadness.

I got to see T tonight. Except for one short lunch I have not spent anytime with him in 3 months. Way to fucking long.

Being with him, even for just a few hours was wonderful. It was good to be with him, touch him and feel his warmth.

I left him tonight with a high feeling and only a touch of sadness.

When I got home, I got an e-mail from K. She sometimes does that because it is easier for her to organize her thoughts that way. it was not angry (at least not at me) but it was sad and hurt. I felt a little guilty about the great night I had.

K has had a lot of men she cares about leave her life. Some have died, other have simply lost touch with her for a variety of reasons. Now she feels like I am leaving her too. I guess in some ways I am, but in others ways, very real ways I will never leaver her. I will always be here to support her. I will always be her biggest fan and I will be there to catch her if she falls.

Rain or rainbow?

Sometimes I have trouble telling the difference between rain and rainbows.

I have gotten K and avenue of help. I have connected her with someone, a therapist, who's husband came out to her and they divorced. K called to make an appointment and I am very happy about it. I have I hope she gets the support she needs and can't get from me, or anyone else.

I that rain or a rainbow? I'm not sure.

There is more I want to talk about, but I need to think about it more.

Stay tuned.

Shipwreked

So is this me?

Am I a shipwreck?

Maybe.

We all have choices to make, and there are consequences for each of them.

I did not choose to be gay. (Still the stupidest thing I have ever heard anyone say). I did not choose to fall in love with T, that just sort of happened.

I am choosing to move out of my house. Is that really a choice?

I suppose I can choose to go back in the closet and pretend I am not gay. I can try to forget about the love I feel for T and chooses to walk away from him. That will make everything better, right?

Probably not. K never forgets anything. She clearly remembers ever transgression I have ever committed in the 18 years I have known her.

I doubt she will forget I am gay. Even if I tried to pretend and she agreed to try again, I know that every time she saw me "aroused" she would wonder if it was her or the guy on the cover Men's Health making me that way. She's not stupid.

Storm Systems Converging

It is getting worse here.

I have been delusional, fooling myself. I am very good at that. Very practiced. I have been fooling myself for 30 years.

When I was 17 or 18 I refused to be gay. I refused to accept any scenario where I would not be with a woman.

Up until last night, I was doing it again. I simply refused to accept any scenario where K and I did not end up being good friends. Last night I came face to face with my delusion.

"How do you think that will work?" she asked. I hadn't really thought about it, but I had known in my gut it would.

I thought we would always be a family. Nope. K and kids would be a family. Me and the kids will be a family, but her and I will no longer be a family. I mean I knew that our status would change, but I assumed that we would always be close, that we would alway support each other. That we would parent the kids together.

She thinks that would be confusing for the kids. She thinks that every time they see her and I together that they will be hoping that we will get back together. When we don't she says that will be confusing and cruel. I don't think so. While they may not all understand "gay" they all have friends with divorced parents. They all know that is when the parents do not live together. I think that if the kids see that we still love them and we are still supportive of each other, they will be just fine, after the initial shock of daddy not living there anymore.

It was not a good night last night. We were both up late and it was very emotional.

All day at work I found it hard to concentrate on my work. It was difficult to do anything.

I hope this starts to get better soon. I am not like the lighthouse. I cannot take the forever pounding of the sea. I guess sooner or later the lighthouse will eventually surrender o the sea. I hope this gets better before I have to surrender.

Just a friend who wants to help

Several months ago T bought a new house for his family. He found it as a foreclosure that was in decent shape but needed work and he got it for a really low price. Since then he has been thinking that he can buy some cheap real estate, fix it up, rent it for a while and then sell it as retirement income. One of the differences between him and I is he makes a shit load more money than me. Except for his REALLY nice house, he does not show it. He drives a Toyota with well over 200,000 miles on it for example.

When he called me the other day he was thinking about me moving out of my house. He told me he was thinking about buying a house near where I live now, and I could rent it from him. When I told him I could not afford the rent on a whole house, he told me not to worry about it. How nice is that?

Yesterday, I asked him if he was serious. He told me he was and had been thinking about for a long time. I think this is a big deal and if it were anyone else, I would think he might have a ulterior motive. I might think he was using his money and my situation to offer me a really good opportunity that I could otherwise never afford. I worried that one day he will think of me as a leach. But he does not think that way. His family came to this county with nothing but the clothes on their backs. They had nothing. They all worked their asses off and now all but one of his 7 siblings have advanced professional degrees and high paying jobs.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I looked at a house with a room for rent. It was OK, very close to the house I live in now (about 5 min away). The room was OK. It was a price I can afford (including all utilities). I would get a room and a full back. Before I went over there I told the guy I am gay and he said he didn't care. It was not fancy, it's a small house, but I don't need much.

Looking at the house made me sad. Looking at a new place, makes it more real that I am leaving my family. Being gay sucks.