Changes

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die in one life before we can enter another.


It may seem strange, but I am friends with AJ on Facebook.  This was the status he posted the other day.  I don't know if he made it up or read it some where.   I thought it was interesting because not only does it equally apply to him and me, it also applies to a lot of my blogger friends.


A lot of the stress, fear and uncertainty that guys like us (or at least guys like me) is about the transition from our old life to our new life.  Compounding the fear, is the fact that most of society is not entirely supportive of gays in general, much less gays who appear to be abandoning their families.  


What I thought was particularly significant to me, was the part about "...even the most longed for..."   This made me think about my laundry room moment (read about that here) and the life that I longed for for so long.  The straight married life that I had and the gay life that I wanted were inherently incompatible.


When I look at the quote it talks about dying in one life before entering another.  At first I didn't like the sound of that, kinda melodramatic.  But as I thought about it more, it might be right.  There is a huge shift from my old life to my new life.  Even though I have been doing it in slow motion, I am still making the shift. 


AJ is making a shift too.  His first wife passed away 3 years ago after a very long illness.  He still has a fair amount of survivor guilt.  I, on the other hand, have homo guilt.  We both have to put our old lives (and guilt) behind us in order to embrace th new one life.