Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Black & White to Color

K and I were talking the other day.  Well, we had a little spat, that we both overreacted to.  Afterward we both calmed down and started talking.  The issue is really not important, but what she said next was.  

Talking about her relationship with AJ, she said, "My life used to be like the black and white part of the Wizard of Oz.  Everything was in black & white back then so no one noticed anything was wrong.  I was like that.  I had gotten so used to not getting what I want, I didn't know how unhappy I was.  Now suddenly all my of life is in color."

That was a little hard to take.

I know that AJ is curling her toes in bed in a way that I never did.  She does not tell me the details, but she told me that much.  Look,  I get that.  How can you expect a gay guy to perform as well as a straight guy with a straight woman?  But this time she was talking about more than just sex.  She was talking about the other parts of her life.  Like she suddenly discovered what she was missing.  

I know this might sound a little funny, and I really am glad that she has found love and happiness with AJ.  I really, REALLY am.  I just did not think life with me was as bad as that.  I mean, we always seemed to get along pretty well.  We still do. But was it really that bad?

Then I got to thinking, was my "straight" life like living in the Emerald City?  No.  I really wasn't.

I have a memory from a couple of years ago.  K was gone for the weekend at a tournament and I was home alone with the kids.  It was before I had met T.  About this time I was spending a fair amount of time browsing profiles on several online dating sites.  At this time I was not contacting anyone, just looking and dreaming.  

I remember I was in the laundry room.  I was facing the machines.  I was thinking: 

"This is not right for me."  

"This is not where I belong."

"Something is missing."

"Am I really going to go my whole life without finding it?"

What's important is, I was not really happy either.  And I am not even sure I knew I was not happy.    Even if I did, what was I going to do about it?  I was married to a woman that I still loved, even though I knew I was attracted to men.  She was financially dependent on me.  I had 4 kids, 2 of them small.  It's not like I could leave.  Not only that, I was not sure I wanted to leave.  I did not hate my family and I liked being married.  I liked K. 

What the hell was wrong with me.

Then I met T. 

I had met other guys on line.  With one exception, the few I met in real life, had been one time encounters. When I met T, I knew he was different because his first e-mail to me was 7 or 8 paragraphs long.  That was a good sign since I usually did not continue talking to one line repliers.  When I agreed to meet him, I thought maybe he could be a friend with benefits if I was lucky.  A hook up with a sexy Asian guy, if I wasn't.   Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would fall in love with him.  (Besides, that was against the rules, K and I had worked out)

Once I realized I was falling in love with a man, I suddenly realized what "in love" felt like.  While I loved (and still love) K very deeply, I was suddenly not sure if I had ever been "in love" with her.  Today, as my relationship with T has developed, I don't think I was.  

I think that was what started my swirling.  What was I going to do???  I could not stay married.  I could not leave my family.  I could not pretend to be straight any longer.  I could not deny my feelings for T.  I could not hurt K. 

Falling in love with him was the catalyst that started everything.  Started the two hardest years of my life.  I have documented the second year in this blog.  It was hell.  I never thought I would ever get through it but I did.  Now that I am closing in on the end of year three, things are better.  More colorful.

So I guess both K and I were living in black & white for a while.  Now there is a lot more color for both of us.


T said...

Have you seen pink and purple yet? lol

Biki said...

Isn't it funny, how you can live your entire life, seeing life one way, only to find it wasnt true?

You walked thru hell and back, with bare bleeding feet. But lived to see another day. It's amazing what one can live through, yeah?

congrats, and welcome to the world of color.

T said...

I know you don't identify yourself as Dorothy, but now that you see colors, definitely NO Red shoes, ok?