Saturday, September 26, 2015

Impure Thoughts

T's niece is also his office manager.  She work really hard and takes care of all the little things that makes T's office run smoothly.  I have known her for just over 5 years now and I like her a lot.  She has always treated me like family, even after T and I broke up.

So the Niece is having a big birthday party for herself.  She has invited 80 people and they are having at a banquet hall T just finished building as one of his newest business ventures.  This will be one of the first events he will have at this new property, so it's kind of like a test run before he starts renting it out to paying customers. 

There was a ton of work to do to get this up.  T and his sister have been doing most of it, but he asked me for some help.

It was really good to see him.  While we were moving stuff around, I was able to get him alone a few times.  I was going to say "all the old feelings came rushing back" but the truth is those feelings are are always there, just below the surface.  T's lips looked just as kissable as ever.  (They are just like this guys lips.) I could tell he was having old feelings come to the surface too.   

While we were working in the hall, I was constantly watching him.  He was tying bows on all the chairs.  He was taking his time to make them just right and because he is a little OCD, he didn't want me to help him.  There were other tasks for me, but I still watched him.  Especially when he would bend over to pick something up off the floor.  I could not stop myself from looking at his butt.  Of course in my mind he was naked, and since I have seen him naked many times, it was not hard for me to picture.  

I wanted to come up behind him, wrap my arms around him, and kiss his neck.  His sister was in the hall working with us, so I couldn't do that, but boy did I want to.  

I helped out for a couple hours and when there was no more work for me to do, I left to go home.... alone. 

I know T and I are over.  We both know it.  We both have still have feelings for each other.  It's both a blessing and a curse.  It's a blessing because it shows that we will be connected even many years form now.  It's a curse, because I compare my feeling for anyone else, against my feelings for T, and of course, no one measures up.  The Chef might come the closest, but even then he is a really long way off.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Moving Along, but Adrift

Things for me are moving along, but like all things with me, they are moving slowly.  Sometimes I feel lonely and depressed.  Other times, I am to busy to feel much of anything.

T and I text every day and we talk on the phone a once or twice times a week.  We see each other rarely.  In the past several months I have only seen him when we were with lots of other people.  He would invite me to a large family dinner for example.   I enjoy going to these kinds of events, but they do not afford much time for T and I to talk.

Sometimes when we talk I tell him how I am feeling.  To be honest I think he is tired of hearing about it, but since I really don't have anyone else to talk to, he is stuck with it.  One day he will just tell me to shut the fuck up.

Not long ago he told me I was "letting life drift by".  Personally I think I am stuck in the current, but either way, I am not taking control of my life.  I am letting other pull me in one direction or another.  The things I need to take charge of, I am not.  So what am I going to do about it?  

I opened a new profile on a gay dating site.  This site is known as more of a hook up site, but you never know (and it's free).  In the first week I have had 3 people write to me, not counting the four hot, muscular, young guys who wanted to know if I am "generous".   Two of the people who wrote to me, wrote very short notes about themselves.  I wrote back to them, with a little something about myself.  That must have been enough to turn both of them off, because I never heard from either of them again.  The third guy turned out to be a closeted, married guy who wanted a secret man on the side to play with.  Umm...  No thanks.

I am still talking to the Chef, but I we are still not sure where we are going with each other.  We seem to often misunderstand each other over little things are we both get upset about them.  It's not only are we not on the same page, we are not in the same book.  He keep telling me that once we understand each other better, than we could be good together, and will look back at this time a laugh.  I am not so sure.  I am not ready to commit to him and he knows that.  I'll keep taking to him, but honestly I cannot wait for us to suddenly click.  I am not getting any younger.  Even if we are not destine to be partners, I still would like to count him as a friend.

I know they are baby steps, but I am moving along.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Thoughts on Pride

Charlotte Pride is the weekend.   I went yesterday to the street festival.  Later on today I am going back to see the Parade.  

To be perfectly honest I don't like parades and I really don't understand why other people seem to like them so much.  I am not talking about just Pride parades, but parades generally.  My small town has an annual Thanksgiving parade that literally the whole town comes out for.  I sit through it every year.  I somehow feel like I have to, but I really don't like it.

Back the Pride parade today, I am going.  I want to see what it's all about and what happens.   Back in June I went to my very first Pride parade in London.  It was fun, and not quite what I expected.  We will see what happens today.  

Yesterday (and today) there was a street festival.  A few stages with bands, lots of local businesses with booths, and lots of people.

I went with the Chef.  It was nice to not be there alone, but it was also nice being there with someone I liked.  (T says I love him, but I am not to that point yet.)  Pride and other "gay" events are not really Chef's thing, but he went for me, which I was pretty happy about.

It was a lot of fun.  I like people watching and there were a lot of people to watch.  There were a lot of young hot homos there, but there were a lot more regular looking people.  There was a lot of people my age or older.  There were a lot of pretty, muscular guys and there were a lot of... er ... not so pretty guys.   There seemed to be a lot of straight people there.  There were not that many gay couples holding hands, but when I saw straight couples, the man was almost always holding the hand of the woman he was with.  (tee hee)

Chef and I were at this booth waiting to talk to the people running it.  I can't remember what it was, but it's not important.  There was a young couple in front of us.  They were about 25, and it seemed to me that they had been together a while.  When they talked, there were very in sync with each other.  In a lot of ways K and I were like that (and still are).   I was thinking about how sometimes wish I had that when i was that age.  That I would not be at Pride now with a guy I was thinking about getting serious with, but instead being there with my partner of 20+ years.  

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about, "what if I had been able to come out in my 20's". but I did have a flash of it today.  

I'll let you know how the parade comes out.  

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Making Friends with the Chef

When I last talked about The Chef, it was not in a nice way.  I can't remember now (and I am too lazy to go back and look) what the issue was, but it is likely he felt some slight from me (to be fair, often justified), got emotional, and said something horrible.  He does that when he gets upset.  K used to do that too.  When she did it over the years, it would upset me, but I would quickly decide that it was not worth the argument and I would let it drop.

When The Chef does it, it pisses me off and I think, "Well fuck him.  I don't need this shit." and I stop talking to him.  Then because I'm pissed, I'll tell someone like K or T that The Chef was an asshole to me.  They tell me he is a jerk and I should stop wasting time with him.   I won't tell them about the thing I did to provoke him, so he ends up looking worse.

Invariably, in a couple of days, but no longer than a week, The Chef will reach out to me.  He will say something cute that will break my urge to ignore him.  When I respond, he will apologize for whatever it is that he said.  We will engage in conversation and then we both feel better.   This has happened a few times over the year I have known him.

So the question is, why do I bother with him?

I think part of the reason is, he likes me.  Since T and I broke up, I have been online looking to meet people with poor results.  Gay guys don't seem to like me.  I am not what they want physically and therefore they are not interested in taking the time to get to know me.  Most people who take the time, like me to some degree.  The Chef is someone who is not interested in guys who look like they stepped off the cover of Men's Health.   He is attracted to guys who look like me, therefore he was interested in taking the time to get to know me.

T was like that too.  I never had a lean body, and I know T likes that.  But with him, he liked my eyes.  That small physical attraction was enough for him to want to get to know me.  Once he did, he was able to look past other physical defects, get to know the real me and... well, you know the rest. 

Regarding The Chef, it would be dishonest of me to not admit that part of the reason  I am willing to deal with his emotional outbursts, is because he likes me, and there are not a lot of other guy who do.  I have to admit that part of me (a small part) wonders if he is not my last best chance.  

The other reason is more self-reflective.  I think I provoke him.   Part of me is still (and will always) be linked to T.  My feelings for him are always there.  Sometimes, I think I am disappointed that The Chef is not T, so I do or say things that push The Chef away. 

This is all in my head.  T is not doing or saying anything to make me hang on to him.  In fact, sometimes I feel like he is keeping me at arms length, you know close enough for a best friend, but not as close as a boyfriend.  He tells me all the time I need to find a boyfriend.  I have told you before about the active steps he has taken to invite me to things where I will meet other gay people.  He has been clear on what I need to do.  The stuff in my head, is mine alone.

So back to The Chef.    Over the past several months we have been talking.   He would like more of a boyfriend relationship with me.  I am resisting.  When I start to think that way, shit happens and then it's no fun.  I have made it clear that I want to be his friend first.  I want to get to know him more.  I want to take things as they come.  If he is my boyfriend, I have certain expectations of him.  I have different and lesser expectations of people who are just friends.   

With the "just friends" attitude, we have been getting along pretty well over the last few months.  I know he still wants more.  I don't know where it will go in the end.  I am taking things as they come.

I am still actively trying to meet more people.  I will still go to the "gathering of the gays" that T invites me to.  Two of the guys that go (a married couple) live not far from me and are interested in meeting up from time to time.  I am also thinking about joining a gay bowling league, different from the one I did a few years ago.    If this thing with The Chef does not work out, then I maybe I will have some good friends I can hang with.  That will make being alone, not so bad.  

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Clearing Up The Conflict

In the end, I went to the dinner.   T was really into the celebration.  More so that I would have expected.  I took this picture of him popping out of the cake.  

I worked out a deal with my daughter.  I told her I would go to a friends birthday party, and I would take her and her brothers to a theme park on Sunday.   Seemed like a fair trade to her.  I got to go with a clear conscience.   While she did not say anything, I think K would have preferred that I went to help her with the kids.  I figured she's a big girl and can handle it.

If I had not gone, T would have told me the food was not that good, to spare my feelings, but as it turns out, the food really was not that good.  It was OK, but the place bills itself as a high class Asian restaurant , but it was not any better than the take out joint near my house.  Just more expensive.

The birthday boy reserved a room with a large "U" shaped table.  The people were kind of divided.  His family on one side and the gays on the other side.  I doubt it was planned that way, but that's how people sorted themselves out.

I sat next to a couple, I'll call them Mike and Robert.  They have been together 24 years and they just got their first dog.    Robert was going on and on about this snooty dog they got from a snooty breeder.  (All my dogs have been mutts rescued from the pound.)  Robert was talking about the dog with a not too bad looking Asian guy (T thinks he was Filipino) who also has a snooty breeder dog.    At first, T thought I should engage the Asian guy, since he knows I have a weakness for men of the Far East.  We did not have to hear him talk too long before I knew that we was not for me.  T knew too.  He was GAAAYYYY.  I mean gay like Jack from "Will & Grace".  There is nothing wrong with people like that, it's just not attractive to me.

Anyway, Mike was much more talkative with me.  He is also from the Northeastern Unites States and was transplanted to the south.  We talked about how after more than 10 years of living here, we could not handle the cold any more, so moving back was out of the question.

Mike asked me if T was my partner.  I told him we used to date, but now we were just friends.  I let him know the position was open and I was accepting applications if he knew anyone interested.  He told me I have to "put myself out there".    Yeah.... where have I heard that before?

Anyway, the dinner was nice and the company was good too.  T did not talk to me much during dinner.  He was not being rude.  In his mind he was giving be a chance to talk to the other people at the table.  I would have preferred there be no one else at the table and I could have spent the entire evening staring into T's eyes.  

Sorry, I lost track of myself for a minute.  

Anyway, that is the update and it all turned out right in the end.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Frustrating Conflict In My Head

I want to be to be in two places at one time. 

Yesterday I came back from a 10 day business trip.  I was five time zones away so it was difficult to keep in contact back home.  When I got home yesterday, my daughter was the happiest to see me.    I am sure the other kids missed me to, but they had other things on their minds.... like Xbox.

Tonight is an annual fireworks display that I always attend with the family.  I always have a good time and the kids like it.  Since I have been gone, it seems extra important that I attend.  At least in my head.

One of the guys from T's new batch of friends is having a birthday today.  I have met this guy and his partner at T's house more than a few times.  They are good guys and I was invited to his birthday dinner tonight.  In addition to being a good excuse to see T (whom I have not seen in several weeks) it would be another chance to make an impression on these new people so maybe I can make some friends of my own.  

I cannot be in both places at the same time, so since the kids expect me at the fireworks, I told the birthday boy that while I appreciated the invite, I was doing this other things with the kids.

Now I am agonizing about this decision.   You see I WANT to go to the birthday dinner.  However, I feel like I HAVE to go to the fireworks with the kids.   

While I am at the fireworks, I will be thinking about the dinner and how much fun it probably was.  I will talk to T later tonight and he will tell me.  (If it was super crazy fun, T would tone down his report so as not to make me feel bad.  He might tell me the food was not too good, so I would not feel like I missed out.  Not exactly a lie.  Maybe a "soft-peddle" of the truth.)

On the other hand, if I go to the dinner, I will be thinking about the kids at the fireworks.  I don't want to be the absentee father, so I would be feeling guilty about not being there.  MY daughter told me she really wants me to come, which would add to the guilt.  I think I would have a good time at the dinner, even though I am on the outside of that group, they are nice to me when I am there.  Every time I get together with them, I increase my chances of making a connection.  (All I want is a friendship connection.  Not looking for love at this point.)  At the same time, I don't like the idea of missing events with my kids.  

Last year K took the the kids on a cruise.  I went too.  Not really because I had a burning desire to take a cruise with her and her husband.  It was more that I did not want my kids to have that experience without their dad being there to share in it.  More than a year later they are talking about the cruise and I am happy when they say to me, "Dad remember on the cruise when....?"  and I can say, "Yup, I remember that!!"     I kind of feel this way about the fireworks tonight.  I know I don't need to be "super-dad" and be at everything.  That is not realistic anyway, but I kind of feel like I have to try.  

I know  I cannot be in both places at once, but I want to be.    I know I cannot do everything, but I want to.  I know there will be other events (for both the gays and the kids), and I don't have to go to all of them, but I want to.

"Do whatever you want and then be happy with it.  I make my decision and I am OK with it.  You get sad."  T told me this morning.  He is right.  I wish I could be more like him in this regard.  He makes his choice, sticks to it, and lives with the consequences, even if they are difficult.    He does not agonize over the possibilities and he does not bemoan the outcome.   He is decisive.   I REALLY admire that about him.  It's probably why he has been successful in his business dealings.

I want to be more like that.  It's just my brain is not quite wired that way.  I need to fix that.  It might be why I have trouble sleeping.  But that is a whole different blog post.

For tonight I am still not sure what to do.  It has been cloudy all day.  Maybe I'll get lucky and the fireworks will get rained out and postponed.  Then I really could do both.  

Sunday, June 21, 2015

T's Big Gay BBQ

T's straight sister has a lot of gay friends.  I mean a lot.  

I think it all started with a private Spanish class she was taking.   I have met a lot of them at T's house over the past several months.  Most all of them are partnered or married.    There is one of the group who is single, then there is me and T.  I think many of them think that T and I are partners.   When I make conversation I sometimes to refer to events that have happened in the past to us, so it is clear that we have know each other a long time.  I would not be surprised if one or more of these guys asked T's sister what the story is with the fat white guy.

Last weekend T had a BBQ at his house.  I have attended these types of events many times in the past, but usually they include his family.  All his siblings, their spouses and children, in addition to a selection of friends.  I have even brought my kids to some of these events over the years.  But not last weekend.  This was a big gay BBQ.  Aside from T's sister, there were no straight people there.

It was a nice time and T is encouraging me to get to know these people as much as possible.  Even though they are partnered, they might have single friends.  It's possible, but I am not holding my breath for the possibility of getting "fixed up".  I am mostly going because I like to be around people (gay people in particular).  I also like being around T, not to mention there is always a ton of good food.  (Really, there is always a TON of food.)

After the dinner, I set up a fire out back in his fire-pit and the group of homos sat around the fire and talked about stuff.  

Being introverted and shy around new people, I was pretty good about engaging with the everyone around the fire.  I listened and talked when I had something to add.  One of the couples, a married couple from Columbia, suggested I should meet up with them sometime and hang out.  They live not too far from me, in a northern suburb of Charlotte, while T and most of the others live to the south.

I thought that invite was a good thing.  All these guys seem to have a pre-existing friendship.  I am not sure how they all know each other, but it's clear they do.   These kinds of groups are hard to break into.  They are always friendly on the surface, but only when fate or other forces put me in the same place as them.    It was just like the people at bowling a few years back and kickball this past spring.  Everyone already knows everyone else and while polite, they are not much interested in getting to know anyone new.  

I am taking a business trip to England next week for about a week and a half.  When I get back, I will look up the Colombian couple and see what happens.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Trip to the Beach

His and His shoes on the beach.
It has been a while since I had the ambition to write much.  Not a lot has happened, but on the other had a lot has happened.  

First let's talk about the trip to the beach.  (The pictures in this post were all taken by me on this trip)


It really was just perfect.  The house they rented was just right the number of people who were there for the short time we were there.  It was about a 5 minute walk to the ocean side of the island and the spectacular beach.  The weather was absolutely perfect.  No rain.  Plenty of sea breezes and just the right amount of sun.  We truly could not have asked for better weather. 

This is a place with a lot of cottages and large houses.  Most of them are for rent to people who want to take a vacation there.  There are no high rise hotels like you might find at Myrtle Beach or Miami.  As a result, I think even if all the houses were full, there would not be enough people to fill the beach.  There just are not enough people staying there to fill up the sand.

We left to go there on a Friday after T finished working.  We drove almost 6 hours to get out there.  By the time we reached the house, it was about 2am on Saturday morning.  Most everyone was ready for bed.  Not me.  I wanted to see the ocean and the surf.  I just wanted to be able to hear the surf before going to bed.   Even though he was tired, he walked down to the beach with me.  We spend about 5 or 10 minutes in the sand before heading back.

The next day we (me, T, and his family) drove all over the place.  We saw lighthouses and other attractions.  We climbed up one of the lighthouses and it was just amazing.  

We had lunch at a seaside diner that had good seafood.  After lunch we drove around some more, saw more sights and took more pictures. 

Later that evening, just about sunset, we had dinner at the wonderful seaside restaurant.  This place had a wonderful outside dining area right on the water's edge with a long pier stretching out into the water.   I took several pictures of the sunset that I'll post here.


T and I walked out on the pier an tried to take a selfie of us with the sun setting behind us.  They did come out very well, but a woman at a near by table came over ans offered to take the pictures for us.  I thought that was nice.  It always made be smile because this woman was a lot like K.  Where ever we travel, K always offers to take pictures of gay couples trying to take selfies.   I think she just likes helping out the gays.  These pictures came out really good too but T won't let me post his picture on the blog so you will just have to imagine.

The next morning T and I got up early to see the sunrise.  I really wanted to go and T was going only because I begged him to come with me.  With the perfect weather, the sunrise was totally stunning.  One of the most beautiful I have seen in a long time.  I think that T was not prepared for how beautiful it was.  Recently he got a new phone and until that morning, I don't think he had used the camera.  He took over 250 pictured of he sunrise.

Just before the sun broke the horizon.

New day has begun

My footprints are the barefoot ones.  T was wearing his flip-flops

We walked on the nearly empty beach for about a two hours (sometimes even holding hands).  It was wonderful.

Later that morning, T and his mother and sister were going shopping.  i was invited, but I elected to stay behind.  I returned to the beach.  By this time it was about 10:30am.  People were jogging up and down the beach.  People were fishing into the surf.  There was not a crowd at the beach by any means.  It was the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend, and beach has people on it, but the were so few, it was easy to find a spot with no one else.  It was nice to just sit, watch the surf and think.

I know someone will be wondering about the sleeping arrangements.  T and I slept on the couches in the little living room.  These were non-pull out couches and we did not try to sleep in one together.

At the end of the trip, T and I are not boyfriends.  We did not get back together.  If fact the romantic part of our relationship may have drifted further apart.  Having said that, I also think our friendship grew stronger.  A little more we have let go of Me and T the couple and embraced Me and T best friends forever.  

I will always love him, just as he will always love me.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

The Cruise and The Beach

K and AJ are on a cruise this week.  They left on Saturday and they will be back next Saturday.  That means that I have the kids all week by myself.  The kids have a lot of stuff going on this week, which is stressing me out.  

I want to go on a cruise, but I have no one to go with.  It's too expensive to go alone and I don't think I would have fun alone anyway.  

T might go with me...... if he was not working so much.  Maybe in a few years when he gets his business sorted out we can take a short one.  K and the kids would go with me.  While that might be fun, it's not the romantic getaway that I am hoping for.

So, rather than thinking too much about it, I have started to think about the trip to the beach with T and his family.  They have booked a house that is not on the beach, but is very close to it.  I am very excited.   I love the beach.  I can walk the beach for hours.  I can sit in the sand and listen to the surf for hours.   I don't know what the sight seeing plan for the weekend is, but I know at night, I will walk to the beach and listen to the surf.  I am hoping T will want to come with me.   I would really love it if he did.

I will also get up one morning and be on the beach for sunrise.   There is nothing like seeing the sun come up over the ocean.  Maybe T will come with me for that too.

I know that T and I will not emerge from this trip boyfriends.  As much as my heart wants that, my mind knows that it will not work out.  T does too.  To have him again would mean I would have to give up some of the most important things that I want out of my gay life.  I would have to give up having a real partner.  I would have to give up getting married again.  I would have to give up sleeping next to the man I love every night.  

But for now, I am going to push that all to the side.  I am going to look forward to this trip.  I am going to treasure the memories that we will build together.  I am going to have a good time.  

I am going to have my time on the beach with the surf.   

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Theme Park in the Rain

Last year I took the kids to a local theme park for the day.  It was October so were not a lot of people there and the lines were all really short.  We had a GREAT time together!!  Even my 10 year old daughter went on the tallest roller-coaster in the place.  (And this place has a lot of coasters)

Since we had so much fun, it was not surprising that when spring came around they all asked to go again.  Now that all the kids are big enough to ride everything, it made sense to look at season passes.  A season pass cost about the same a 2 single day tickets, so I figured it would be worth it.  If I only go twice, I will break even on the cost of the passes.

This past Saturday I woke to a rainy day.  My son had baseball practice, which got canceled.  My daughter had football practice, which was also canceled.  Suddenly, we did not have that much to do for the day.  It was not raining that hard, more of a heavy mist.

Then I saw on Facebook one of the guys on my kickball team (Danny) was at the theme park with his boyfriend (David) and David's kids.  I have known David for a about a year and I texted him.    

Me:  Hi David.  I see you are at the Park.  How is it?

David:  It's awesome!!  There are no lines for anything.  You might want an umbrella though.

So without any advanced planing, I packed up the kids that wanted to go and we headed down the road.  Since we have the passes, I figured the worst thing that happens is it is raining too hard and we go home.  I would only be out the cost of gas.  

It turned out to be an awesome day.  It was not raining that hard, but the weather was dreary enough to keep most people at home.  There were no lines for anything!!!

About half way through the day I spotted David, Danny and the kids walking past where I was sitting.  We chatted with them for a while and then we basically merged our groups together.   We all hung out together for about an hour or so.  The whole time I was watching Danny and David.  They have only been together about 6 months, but it was clear there were in love with each other.  It was awesome seeing two guys in love with each other doing "normal" family things with each other and the kids.  It is EXACTLY what I wanted for me and T.  

When we were still boyfriends we would occasionally go out with my kids.  Usually to dinner and then a movie.  Or a movie and ice cream.  I always treasured those times, because I had my boyfriend and my kids together at the same time.  Everyone was happy and getting along well.  It was just what I wanted for myself after K and I broke up.

Watching David and Danny just being together, made me feel a little sad, but also hopeful at the same time.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Vacation and the Persistence of the Trurh

Something extraordinary happened this week.  Well, two things actually.

1. T is taking a few days off from work to go one a long weekend get away.

2. T invited me to come along.  


T usually works on weekends.  Well, he usually works all the time.   He is going to close is office for several days over the Memorial Day weekend and take a trip with his family.    One of his sisters is taking her boyfriend along.  T invited me.  How cool it that?

I think it is very cool.  In the more than seven years I have known him, I have not had 3 days with him.  Three full days, and nights.   Yes, his family will be there and it's not exactly going to be a romantic getaway, but I don't really care.  Just to be with him will be great.

As much a I want to it be so, I know I am not going as his boyfriend.  In fact, several days after I got the invite, T reminded me that I need to find a boyfriend.   My feelings for him make that difficult.  I am still in love with him and that will never change.  (More on that later)

I told K that I was going on this trip.  She was immediately irritated about it.  Partly because she goes to an event every Memorial Day weekend and she just assumed I would be around to watch the kids.  Me being gone will kind of mess that up for her.  The other part is, she thinks I should not be talking to T at all.  She thinks maintaining my close relationship with him is preventing me from moving on.  

She is right.  I know that.  Blog readers have told me that.  T has told me that I need to find someone else.  But at the end of the day, the truth is I am still in love with him.

I know that he is unable (or unwilling) to have the relationship with me (or anyone) that I want and need, but I am still in love with him.   I know that he works all the time and even thought he wants to, he will not be able to make that better any time soon, but I am still in love with him. 

Yes, I have met other people, like the Chef.  Things did not work out with the Chef mostly because we were not really a match.   Now, I think the issues we had could have been worked out if I really put effort into it.  But the reality is, I did not want to.   My heart was elsewhere.

This is the persistent truth about my reality.

I can't have T, but I can't let him go.   He is important to me and I know I am important to him.  He is one of my oldest friends.  He IS my most persistent friend.   Despite all the demands on his time, he is always someone I can talk to about anything that is on my mind.  I value him and his friendship greatly.  I love him and I never want to have him out of my life.  


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

A Very Gay Day

Sunday was one of the gayest days I have ever had.

I got up and met the Chef for coffee.  I had not heard from him in weeks and he texted me on Saturday.  He said he needed someone to talk to and asked if I could meet him for coffee.  Our last conversation did not leave us on the best of terms, so I asked what he wanted to talk about.    "I am having some family drama." was his reply.

I agreed to meet him at a Starbucks about half way between his house and mine.  After some small talk, he started to tell me about his drama.  Apparently his adult daughter's mother (his first ex-wife) has a new boyfriend and that is causing friction between them.  He explained the whole story and I listened patiently, sometimes asking questions.  When he was done, he asked me for my advice.  What did I think he should do?

Well I told him what I thought I would do in that situation.  We talked for a while longer, and then we said our good byes.

After that I was off to my gay kickball league.  We has a game scheduled at 1:15.  The other team was bunch of guys who always wear wigs during the game.  Some of the wigs are costume type wigs.  Bright colors and some that obviously looked like yarn rather than hair. Others looked natural and until they took them off after the game, I might not have known they were wigs.  

My team is not as crazy and we don't do crazy costumes.  But my team is REALLY gay.  Everyone is gay and everyone is very open about it.  Even though I am more reserved myself, I feel very comfortable with the group.  

In the end, we lost to the guys wearing wigs.

After that, I was off to T's sister's house.  Last Friday was T's birthday and his sister had moved into her own house.  So it was kind of like a double party.  T and his whole family were there.  The food was excellent (as it always is) and I got to see some of his family that I do not see as much as I used to.  Best of all I got to see T.  We did not have a chance to spend a lot of time together, because he was busy entertaining his other guests.  I understand that, I was just happy to see him. 

So it was a big gay day.  It was a lot of fun and I got to see my love, even if it was just watching him be a good host.  

I need to meet up with him this week and take him out to a nice dinner for his birthday.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Listening to the Rain

As I was getting into bed last night, I could hear it had started raining.  It was raining hard.  I could hear the sound of the rain pounding on the roof of my house.  It must have been windy too as I could hear the rain drops hitting the windows next to the bed.

There is something about the rain that makes me feel romantic.  I think maybe it is something deep within us left over from our caveman days.  When you are outside in the rain, you will almost always be cold to one level or another.  I think our instincts tell us to huddle (or cuddle) together for warmth.  It is a survival instinct.  If you can find someone to share body heat with you and survive the night.  If you are really lucky you might even get a chance to get started on the next generation. (Unless, of course, you are gay.  Then it's just for the fun of it.)

Last night as I was listening to the rain, I was wishing I was not there by myself.  I need to get back online and start looking again.  There has to be someone out there who wants to be with me at night.    I have been offline for most of the past year.  I had been hoping that I could make things work with the Chef.  We have been off and on for a year and I kept hoping we could find a way to work it out.  But it's not going to happen.  Our last conversations was pretty angry and I do not think I will ever hear from him again.  It's just a well really.  He was not good for me and I knew it all along.  Since I am prone to wishful thinking, I was hoping something would change in him or me to make it better.  It didn't.  Aside from the way he acted toward me, I was not in love with him.  He was nice to be around and I like talking to him, but I never had that "spark" feeling like I get when I am with T.   Again, I was hoping it might develop over time.

It didn't

Anyway, part of me is getting used to being alone much of the time.  Part of me is hating being alone so much.  I am taking more time away from K's house and simply going home.  I didn't used to do that.  I used to stay over there, unless I had something else to do.  If I had no plans, I would hang out over there, simply because I had nothing better to do.

Now it's a little different.  I think it's important to establish with K and the kids that I have my own house and I go home when I am done doing what I need to do with the kids.  If K is not working, I sometimes do not go over at all.  I will go home directly after work and stay there for the evening.    Sometimes I will go and hang out until they all sit down for dinner.  Sometimes I stay and eat, but most of the time, that's when I go home and eat on my own.  

When K is working I go until my daughter goes to be or about 9:00pm, which ever comes first.  I am there to make sure they get their homework done and they are getting ready for school the next morning.  I don't really want AJ doing that kind of thing unless it's absolutely necessary.  

So when I go home, I sometimes sit around and watch TV.  Sometimes I get on the treadmill while watching TV.   I am usually just there alone.   The past couple of nights my youngest son has been coming to my house for the night.  I like that, but I don't push them one way or another.

Part of me is getting used to being home alone and even liking it.

Part of me hates it as much as it always has.

Either way, I really wish there was someone there to snuggle with when it rains.

Time to get back on the horse and find my Prince Charming.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

True Love Never Dies

When you love someone, I mean really love them deep in your heart, that kind of love does not go away.  It does not fade over time and distance.  It endures.

I have that kind of love for T.  No, nothing has changed about our situation.  We are still "separated" and that probably will not change in the near term. (I am still hopeful in the long term.)  We still communicate in one form or another every day.  Texting many times a day.  Calling a few times a week.  Seeing each other in person, one every month or two.  I would like it to be more, but we both have busy schedules.

We got together last night.  I think this was the first time I saw him in more than 2 months.  I might have been the longest stretch I have gone without seeing him since I met him just over seven years ago.   We spent most of the evening together and I can tell you for sure, we still have the spark.  There is still magic between us that I don't think can be duplicated with anyone else.  

All day at work I was so happy to be going to see him that I could not keep the smile off my face.  Monday, I had ordered a gift to be delivered to him at work yesterday afternoon.  I got word it was delivered just a few hours before I was to see him.  It took him a short while, but he figured out the anonymous gift was from me.  I am pretty sure he liked it.  

When we got together, my heart was so happy.  He looked just as amazing as ever.  Despite his complaining that he had gained 5 pounds, he looked stunning to me. 

I am not going to get into the details of out evening, but suffice it to say it was wonderful.  We had wide ranging conversations and other activities that we both enjoyed.  When it was over, I drove him home, had a nice kiss good night and I left with happiness I had not felt in a long time.  

Here I am, the day after and I am still happy.  There was a time when I would have become sad or disapointed, because after a nice evening, I was distracted by the dreams I had that may not come true.  I do not have that today.  Today I am basking in the love that I know we still share for each other, regardless of our other circumstances.  

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Balancing the Conflict to Clarity Ratio

When I started this blog back in 2009, I did it because I was in conflict and I wrote about it.  I often wrote about the same thing more than once, but each time approaching it from a slightly different angle until I had sorted things out in my head.    

Then after K and I divorced, I started to have more clarity and less conflict.   After T and I broke up, I started spending more time with the kids and that was a distraction for a while.  I had an on again / off again relationship with the Chef which caused a bunch of conflict.  I didn't have much of a urge to write about that.  Probably because in my mind I knew it was never going to amount to anything I the long run anyway. 

So even though there has been a bunch of stuff going on, there has not been a lot of movement, so there is not much to write about.  Or at least not much I felt motivated to write about.

That is until recently.  Some things have come up that are causing some changes in my life.  I am not 100% sure they are good changes, but they are changes nonetheless.  They are causing me to have more and more conflict and I am feeling the need to write about it. I don't know how long this new conflict will last before a reach a level of clarity where I stop writing again.  I have a feeling that there will be more.

I am noticing behavioral changes in myself.  Maybe that's good, maybe it's not.  I'm going to have to "talk" it out.  Since I really don't have anyone to talk to, I will write about it here.

If anyone still reads this, you are welcome to some along if you like.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Listening To The Waves

K has been coaching girls volleyball for almost as long as I have known her.  She has coached high school, college and Junior Olympic teams over the years.  Every MLK day weekend for the past 6 or 7 years she has taken a team to a large tournament at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.  It a about 4 hours drive from where we live.  I have never gone, mostly because watching her coach a bunch of girls I don't know is boring.  This year my daughter is playing, so I made the trip.

Right now I'm sitting on the balcony of my room on the 10th floor of the hotel right on the beach. It's just after midnight and I'm looking out into the darkness.  I'm listening to the pounding surf and it's making me feel good.  It's making me feel better.  

There is something soothing about listening to actual waves. (Not a wave simulator app). The actual sound of water crashing into the sand, makes me feel good. In the same way that a crackling fire makes me feel good.

Tomorrow when the sun comes up it will be even nicer.  Now all I can see is the darkness of the Atlantic Ocean.  I can only see the water when the waves break and the hotel lights catch the white surf.  

It's like an old friend.  It's helping me forget my loneliness.  Forget the Chef and how he keep trying to get back into my life just to hurt me again.  It does not help me forget T.  In fact being here makes me miss T more.  I would love to be here with him.  He has ZERO tolerance for the cold so he would be watching the surf from inside the hotel room, not on the balcony.  :-)

Maybe next year I'll have someone to share this with me.  Fore this trip, I'll share it with my daughter and she will always remember going to beach in the winter with Daddy.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

I Needed Some Spoons

My roommate moved out at the beginning of December.  He told me around the middle of November he would be moving in with his girlfriend.  I was happy for him and sad for me.    He was a really good roommate.  For a straight guy he was VERY gay friendly.  While were we not buddies, we did chat on the rare times we were home together.  He was respectful of my house and did a good job cleaning up after himself.  My daughter really loved his dog.  I was pretty spoiled.  Now I have to go find another roommate.  I don’t NEED to.  I can pay my bills myself, but I kinda got used to that extra money coming in every month.

This weekend I was looking for a spoon to stir my coffee, but they were all dirty.  I’m not home that much so I don’t run the dishwasher.  Then I counted my spoons.  I thought I had more than that.  Where the hell did they all go?

Well, I went online to, where I shop for nearly everything I need first to see what they have.  They had several sets and some of them were pretty nice.   I don’t need nice.  I like utility.  I like simple and functional.  I do not pay extra for ornate designs on my spoons.  That said, I decided that I would like a matched set of spoons, forks and knives.  The ones I have are a mix of ones I have collected over the years.  I honestly can’t remember how I collected them all.

On Amazon I found a basic set that I liked and it was at a good price.   I read through the comments and it seemed most people liked them.  There was one review however that said this set was available a less that half price at IKEA, if I was able to go to a store.  There is a store about 30 min away.  What luck!!  

I headed down with my youngest son and my middle son.  I think they just wanted to get out of the house, but it turned out that we had a lot of fun looking at all the stuff.

While I enjoyed the time shopping with my sons, I could not help but notice all the couples shopping together.  Holding hands, looking at stuff for the homes they shared together.  Most of the ones I noticed were the younger couples.    The ones without kids.  The ones that seems to still be in that “honeymoon” stage.  Mostly it was straight couples, but there were a few gay couples too.   

I did not pine over this.  It did not spoil my afternoon out with my boys, but it was yet another reminder of what I want so badly for myself.  At the moment, I have no prospects.  The only people who seems to be interested in me are crazy people, and it seems even they are not interested anymore.  

I had a lot of family time this Christmas season.  It was mostly nice.  I was not sad or depressed about my single status.  I have tried to have fun with the kids.  We saw several movies, both a home and in the theater.  My youngest son got a small radio controlled airplane that was surprisingly easy for him to fly.  We went to a nearby ball field many times to fly it.  They were short trips (the battery only last about 10 min) but it was quality time spent with him.  

I was able to see T a couple of times over the holidays.  Our relationship is in a good place and I think we are more comfortable with each other and where we stand.  I still love him deeply and I always will.  Every time I see him, my happiness level goes way up.  I think that is because I have fully accepted his limitations and I no longer have the wishful thinking that caused me so much stress.  Now we are free to simply enjoy being together as close friends.  

Today is the last day of the holiday.  K and AJ have gone away for the day.  I am here with them at her house, trying to get things back into the normal routine as school starts again tomorrow.

I think January will be a planning month for me.  I am going to work hard to control what I eat so I can really start losing weight.  I am going to clean out my house, and either get another roommate or get it ready to sell so I can find a smaller place.  I have a trip to England planned at the end of the month and when I am back from that, I will start taking a more active role in my dating life.    I’ll talk more about that in another post.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Luck has Nothing To Do With It

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. (Well, my US readers anyway) My mother came to visit me. Also my uncle (my mom's brother) and his wife came too. My mother was here about a week. My aunt and uncle were here for 2 days.

The morning my uncle was leaving for home, I met them breakfast with my mother. The topic of my relationship with K, AJ and the kids. Granted it is unusual. Its not every gay man who is welcome in his ex-wife's house all the time. AJ commented on it again when I showed up there on the morning and he made me a cup of coffee. He mentioned how strange it was for a man to by making coffee for his wife's ex-husband.

Over and over I have said it. It's fucked up, but it works.

My aunt & uncle and my mother kept telling me that I had done a great job. That my relationship with the kids seemed excellent. My relationship with their mother was very good too. My uncle mentioned at one point that I was lucky things were so harmonious. I agreed to a point. I as luck that K was not hostile, like many ex-wives can be.

The more I thought about it, it really had nothing to do with luck at all. I worked my ass off over 6 years to get these relationships where they are. It took a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice.

My uncle does not know I have a blog so he has not followed my struggle over the past several years. He does not know how I stressed about making the divorce as painless for K and kids as I could.

He does not see the countless hours I spend at K's house with the kids to keep the relationship with my kids as good as it can be. The do not call AJ "dad" because I am there all the time. I still give my daughter a hug most nights before she goes to sleep. On the mornings when K is working over night at the hospital, I get up early so I can wake my daughter up and get her ready for school.

I have sacrificed a lot of time that I should have used for myself. I could have been building relationship with other people. Maybe I would have had more time to find a boyfriend. Or just spend more time with the few friends I have. It just might have been more fun.

But I choose a different path. Even though I am out of the closet, I still live the life of a family man. Nothing is free. I have a great relationship with my kids, but I am lonely as hell the rest of the time.

The Chef tells me I need to spend more time for myself. He says I am not getting any younger. He says that my kids will always be my kids and I don't need to worry about them as much as I do. He says that no matter what I do, the kids will not drift away from me. I am not sure I want to take that chance.

Saturday, November 22, 2014


I can't decide with metaphor to use.  Stuck in a rut or stuck in the spin cycle.  Either way I feel like I am stuck.  I am not doing much beside working, hanging out with my kids, and sleeping.  I am not making much progress on my search for love.

I want to write about it more often.  I need to get back to that.

T and I are still in contact.  We talk once or twice a week and text daily.  We have worked ourselves into a good place... at least as it relates to each other.   He has been working a lot so it has been difficult for me to see him in person.

I have not been actively working my dating profile.   I did hear from a guy in neighboring state.  He seemed like a nice guy.  The more I talked to him, however, the more I got the feeling he was looking to relocate to my city and needed a place to stay.  No thank you.

I also started talking to another guy.  He is a nice guy and while I could be friends with him, he is not someone I want to date.

I have been talking to the Chef.  I had coffee with him the other day and we text most every day.  I am not getting involved with him.  Just talking.  

I spend too much time at K's house with the kids.  I know I do it, but honestly I have nothing better to do with my time.  I figure if I have nothing better to do, I may as well keep working on my relationship with my kids.  I know it's not healthy for me.  I know that I am not getting any younger.  I know I need to do more things for myself.  

I feel like I am so busy.  I feel like I am running and running all the time.  I feel like I don't have time for myself.  I know that I could make it if I wanted to.

But for now, I'm stuck in my rut.