Thursday, April 10, 2014

Losing My Inspiration



About a year ago they built a house across the street from K. When it was finished, some people moved in. It turned out to be a gay couple, I'll call Steve and Jerry. Steve and Jerry had been together for a number of years. They were moving here because Steve got transfered by his job. Living with them was Jerry's 10 year old son.

These guys had exactly the kind of relationship that I wanted. Real partners who lived their lives together as one family unit. There were open with all the neighbors about who they were and quickly accepted into the community like any other family.

It really was inspirational for me. I could see what I wanted was possible because these guys were living it.

Last week I was disappointed to learn that Jerry had moved out of the house. I was really sad to hear that. It was especially sad because my daughter and Jerry's son had become good friends.

I know all relationships can go sour. I know not everything is flowers and rainbows. I don't know specifically why Steve and Jerry split, but it was disapointing anyway.

I've heard they are trying to work out whatever it is that's bothering them. I hope they do.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Falling For The Chef



It's been about three weeks since I started seeing the Chef. The more I get to know him the more I like him. I have seen him to be romantic and attentive. Even though we have not said to each other that we are "Mr. Right" (and it's too soon for that), we have talked about the hypothetical partner we both want. He not only wants a partner, he wants a husband. He definitely wants to get married. (Maybe to me?)

Friday and Saturday are his days off from work. He usually reserves Friday for things he wants to do and he reserves Saturday for his mother. He takes her where she needs to go and to do things she wants to do.

This Saturday morning I was laying bed after a mostly sleepless night reading a book on my Kindle. Chef and I had brief text message exchange.

Me: I am thinking about the next time I get to see you.

Chef: What about today?

Me: Today?

Chef: Yeah. We could meet for coffee. I'm free till 11:00am.

Me: (glancing at the clock) Well... yeah. I'll jump in the shower now and leave.

Twenty minutes later I was in the car heading to the pre-arranged meeting place. I parked my car and walked to the coffee shop. As I was getting close, I could see his truck turning into a parking lot across the way. I walked in his direction, watching him get out of his truck. It took me a few minutes to realize I was smiling broadly.



We met in the middle and I was rewarded with a big hug. We headed over to the coffee shop in the middle this large outdoor mall kind of place. Because it was only about 9:00, many of the shops were not open and there were not a lot of people there yet. We got our coffee and walked around the place talking. After a lap around, we found a table outside the coffee shop and sat down. I slid my chair next to him and put my feet up on the opposite chair.

After about 2 hours have slipped by and we were still chatting, sharing pictures on our phones, and sipping coffee. He had to go pick up his mother and I had to head over to K's house and keep an eye on the kids.


It was really nice he made the time to see me that morning. What's more, he wanted to see me enough to work it out. It was an unexpected treat and it really made my day. I walked him back to his truck and I was ready to say good bye. I got a goodbye hug and a kiss. As I was turning to walk away, he stopped me. He had forgotten something. He pulled out a greeting card out of the center console. The card said he missed me when we are apart. It really made me feel special

As he drove away, I walked slowly back to my car. I was feeling better and more hopeful than in a long time. I am not in love with the Chef yet, however, I can tell my feelings are changing.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

I Can't Sleep


I have not been sleeping well for the past few weeks.  Tonight is worse. People I care about are upset with me and I cannot stop thinking about it.

*sigh*

Monday, March 31, 2014

Self Inflicted Wound? Maybe.



I have received numerous bits of advice telling me to abandon T over the past 9 months. I have heard it from people who have left comments here. I have heard it from K. I have heard it. I understand all the reasons why it's a good idea.

I do.

I really do.

But I am not going to do it.

If you have been following my blog from the beginning, or have looked back at all, you know about the slow motion, three year divorce I had from K. I took a long time. It was agonizing and painful. I was an emotional mess. However, in the end, it worked out for the best. It worked out better for K. It worked out better for the kids. It worked out better for me.

I have no regrets and I would not do anything differently, despite the pain.

Moreover, I know that K got lots of advice about how she should treat me. One of her best friends (someone I thought was a friend of mine too) told her to hang me out to dry. She told K to get the best redneck lawyer she could afford and string me up. K was told by another friend to kick me out of the house the minute I "decided" to be gay. I did not deserve to live in that house with her and the kids. (Of course she still thought I deserved to pay for it...)

Thank God, K did not listen to those voices whispering.... well shouting. in her ear.



I am not willing to let T go from completely from my life. I am trying to transition what we had (or what I wished for) into what reality is. T is trying to do the same thing.

Am I making this harder on myself than it needs to be? Probably, but I am thinking of the end goal. Years from now I want my partner and me to be able to go to a BBQ at T's house. Maybe he will have a new partner, maybe he won't. Maybe he will still be with his sisters, but we will be friends.

Honestly, I don't understand how anyone who has read this blog and knows how I think, would think I would kick T to the curb after all we have been through.

It's simply not going to happen.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

I Can’t Take Yes For An Answer



Well, gay dating might be starting to work out for me. I am, however, having a hard time be fully happy about it.

I have had a couple of dates with the Chef and I am really liking him. And he likes me. He is about my age and he likes the “bear” look. (I really hate that term but I fit into it nicely.) He likes me and after a couple of dates, I am liking him too.

It is WAYYY too soon to think about if he is THE guy or not, but so far I can see myself dating him. I am sure that he can see dating me. Last night I took my profile down from Match.com to see how this plays out.

I need to go see the Professor. I have not seen him in 2 weeks, but we talk on the phone every so often. Even before I went out with the Chef, I knew the Professor was not for me. I just didn’t have the heart to tell him. Now I feel like I have to. He is a nice guy and I would like to be his friend, but I think I will hurt his feelings. I know most guys would just blow him off, but I would rather not.

I have been talking to T about all this. By talking, I mean we have been texting back and forth a lot, talking only occasionally. I know that he is not thrilled about the idea of be dating someone else, but we both knew that it was only a matter of time. I am trying to figure out how to transition from being his boyfriend to being his friend. Yes, I know many of you think I should cut all ties with T, but I’m not going to.



On the one hand, I am happy about the possibilities that the Chef represents. On the other, I am still mourning the loss of what I had and hoped for with T. I know some will think that sounds stupid, but that’s how I feel.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

T, The Professor , and The Chef



The past 2 weeks have been busy.

I met T for dinner. It was the first time I had seen him in a while. It was good to see him. I did start to have some of the old feelings rush back, but he quickly squashed them. Not in a mean way, but firm and to the point. There was no longer any chance of use being together, so I should just move on. (No, he did not say it that way, but meaning was the same.) In a way this was kind of what I needed to hear from him. I didn't like to hear it, but this was one of the first times that he told me so directly it was over from his point of view. Kind of like a mother bird pushing a baby out of the nest.

I met up with the Professor. We had dinner and went back to his place. It was nice and I like him. However, this third date made it clear to me, that I was not really interested in him the way he is interested in me. I have not told him I feel that way, but I have been opening up some distance between us. Eventually I will have to talk to him because I don't want to just blow him off.



Last week I met another guy. He wrote to me on Match.com. (I still have yet to write to anyone first.) I answered him and then I met him for coffee after work. He is the executive chef at a place that makes all their food from scratch. He is attractive. About my age. He is divorced and has a daughter. We was married a long time so he knows what a long term partner relationship is all about. He is also looking for the right guy for a long term relationship and one day he wants to get married. So at least I know his relationship goals are the same as mine. He is also something on an extrovert so it's possible he will compliment my introverted nature.

I met him again for lunch on Friday and I like him just bit more. Maybe he will be the one? Like the Professor, he seems to be interested in me. He (the Chef) has certainly peeked my interest.

Oh there is one thing...

Like T, he lives with his elderly mother...

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Feelings. Real or Imagined



I enjoy getting comments on my blog. Even when I disagree with them, I appreciate that were offered in the spirit of helping me deal with a certain problem. Generally I have made it a policy not to comment on comments. I don't want this place where I come to work out things to turn into a debate forum. That said, a comment on my last posting is making me think a little.

When I chose to marry K and start a life with her, it was the early 1990's. While does not seem like too long ago, If you consider where we are as a society in respect to gay people, 1990 is light years away.

In 1993 when K and I married, it was not that I was a gay man pretending to be straight. At that time, I had convinced myself that being gay was simply a matter of sexual behavior. If I was having sex with women I was straight and if I was having it with a man I was gay. I believed (as did most people at the time) that if I only refrained from gay behavior I would be staight.

In 1993, loved K very much. She was great to be around. She made me happy and I made her happy. From my perspective that was the recipe for a happy marriage. I told her about my past encounters with guys and she was OK with it.

I never told K anything about my feelings that I did not believe in my heart was true at the time I said it. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, I can see that some of those things were feeling I convinced myself I had rather than genuine feelings. (When you spend your life trying to make your feeling comport with what everyone is telling you should feel, it is sometimes hard to tell the difference.

So I while I regret the pain that K had to deal with in our divorce, I do not feel any guilt or shame that I misled her into a marriage simply to hide my sexual orientation.

Fast forward to today.



I have had 2 dates with the Professor. On the second date it was clear that he wanted to get more physical with me than I was ready for. He clearly likes me. I think he is a nice guy. I can see myself being friends with him, but I am not sure about dating him (or more). Maybe those feelings would grow over time.

However, I am I starting a possible relationship with a lie. Unlike when I was getting started with K, I have already told the Professor things that I know are not quite true. He asked about the break up with T and I told him it was about 6 months ago. (TRUE) I told him that what I wanted out of a relationship and what T wanted was largely incompatible. (TRUE) I told him that I was over T and did have the "in love" feelings anymore. (NOT TRUE) I told him that while I still cared about T, I was ready to move on. (HALF-TRUE)

So what the hell am I doing? Maybe I am hoping as I get to know the Professor, my feelings for him will grow and my feelings for T will shrink. (I'm pretty sure T thinks that will happen.) Maybe it will not be important in the long run, that I am still in love with T now.

There is also the thing that I am not expecting the Professor or anyone else will work out. Since I have only seen him twice, I don't need to tell him everything. I mean, who spills all their intimate feelings on the first or second date. I don't think I am obligated to tell him my life story the first week I meet him, I am ?

I guess it will depend on where it leads. I am going to wait and see.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Taxes and The Professor




K and I don't argue about too many things, but money is one of them. She thinks I don't give her enough. She is always complains about how broke she is and AJ is always giving her crap about it too. It seems before AJ met K, he had a lot to money in the bank and plenty of disposable income. Now he does not have that and reminds K of it from time to time. She hates that.

AJ makes more money than I do and K is working too. She is about to get a job that will pay even more. K and him have a larger and more expensive house than I do. They needed to get a house that would fit them plus our kids and is daughter. (I guess that's my fault.) She also bought a larger more expensive car. She didn't like the minivan she was driving and she had AJ buy her a much larger truck. She pretended it was so everyone could fit in it, but that is not really the truth. She just liked the new car better. It's kind of he same thing with the house. She could have bought a large house for less, but she wanted a new house so hey paid extra for that. (Which is not my fault.)

You see, K is a spender. She likes to spend money whenever she has it. She has a long list of things she wants and as soon as she has the cash she will get them. Some of the things she wants a big ticket, like cruise vacations. But while saving for that she buys stupid things like candles or soaps that smell nice. When she lived with me, the closet on our bathroom had a huge box of them. She moved that box to the new house and guess what? It's in her closet there and bigger than before.

No matter how much money she has, K will always be broke. She will just adapt her spending to match her income. That is driving AJ crazy, but he's kind of stuck.

So how is that my problem? Generally it's not, but it's time to file taxes for last year. The first year we filed separately we each claimed 2 kids. Last year she complained that she spends more money on the kids and she wanted to claim all 4. I talked her into claiming 3 and I would take one.

This year we did the fight again. Since the kids live with her full time she thinks she deserves it. But I pay a ton of money too. First I give her cash every time I get paid. It is direct deposited into her bank account. Plus I am always spending money on food, doctor visits, clothes and other stuff for the kids. I am not compalining. They are my kids and that's what I am supposed to do. I just want to be able to get some of the tax deduction I am entitled to. She does not see it that way so we had a fight about it.

What a pain in the ass.

-------------------------------------------------------------



In other news, 107 people have looked at my Match.com profile and only 2 people have written to me. The criminal that I talked about in my last post and a music professor. I nearly missed the professor's email. It was almost 2 weeks old by the time I noticed it. He is a little older than me. His profile seemed nice, but he did not post a picture.

So I wrote to him and we exchanged a couple of emails.

Last night he called me and we spoke for about half an hour. (a stark contrast from the criminal who never wanted to talk for more then two or three minutes.) He seemed nice, on the shy side, but not overly so. After a very pleasant conversation, we decided to meet in person. I think he would have met me tonight, but I have other plans tonight. We will meet up later in the week. After we spoke, he did send me a picture. He looks good for his age. He's not a Men's Health cover model, but nether am I.

I am not getting my hopes up, but maybe I will make a new friend. I am glad he did not ask me about my last boyfriend. I didn't want to have to say that I am still in love with him.

Maybe I'll save that for the second date.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Not Of To A Good Start


So my latest foray onto gay dating is my worst yet.  I am not sure I can take many of these.

Over the course of several days JC emails and texts were showing that he was more and more interested in me.  I was actually allowing myself to put the warning signs to the side and think about the posiblities.

Did I mention the warning signs?  There were a few.
JC claimed to have a successful business he inherited from his father.  On his emails he included an auto signature with a link to his LinkedIn profile.  If you don't know, LinkedIn is like Facebook for business people.  So with the link there, I clicked on it.  I found a fairly typical profile.  It listed his current business, a past employers, and where he went to school.  Then I noticed the odd thing.  He had no connections.  Zero.  That was odd.  The whole point of LinkedIn is to make connections with other professionals.  Even if you don't make any effort at all, anyone who has been working with others for any length of time will have connections.  People will seek you out, even if you don't seek them.  (My linked in profile has over 500 connections and I rarely log in.)

Then I searched for him on Facebook.  I found him right away.  He has zero friends and his profile on Facebook was created only 3 weeks eariler.  No pictures.  No status updates.  No shared links.  No nothing.  

These to things together are pretty odd.  I mentioned it to T and he thought there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this and I was making too much of it.  I should just keep talking to him and getting to know him.  

OK.  So I did.  

Then I it happened.  I was expecting it all along.  It was almost a relief.

He was out of state taking care of his elderly aunt when a lucrative business deal fell in his lap.  He had been telling me about it for days.  He was very excited.  It was the biggest one he had ever had, and even better it would be closed quickly because his customer was in a bind.  The day he was going to close the deal he texted me that morning telling me he was going and as soon as the deal was done, he would be heading back so we could finally meet in person.  

That was the last I heard from for the day.  I texted him several times with no reply.  Until the next morning.  I got a text.

"I am upset and in a bind.  I really don't know what what to do."

I knew what was coming.   To make a long story short, he "overestimated" his costs on the deal and was a few thousand dollars short.  He was looking everywhere for the money.  He put up his house for money.  He used all he capital in his business.  He tapped all his lines of credit.   He even borrowed from his elderly aunt, but he was still a few thousand dollars short.  

If only there was someone else who could loan him a few dollars.  

"Well, JC," I said, "Good luck.  Let me know when you get it all worked out and can come back.  I'm very excited to meet you in person.  I have to go into work now.  Talk to you later."

Guess what?  I have not heard from him since.

I guess he thought I was some lonely old fag with some money in the bank and I would do anything for the chance at love with an attractive younger man.  Well, he was wrong about one thing.  I don't have any money in the bank.

Oh well.  Back to being ignored on Match.com and wishing that T would come to his senses.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Coffee For Two?

First I want to say thanks to everyone who has made comments on my posts lately.  While I admit I have not followed much of the advice, I appreciate it nonetheless.

This morning I woke up alone (as usual) and headed downstairs to make some coffee.  I have a small, one cup coffee maker that K got me for Christmas a couple of years ago.  I made one cup and headed back upstairs to my room.  

As I waited for the coffee to brew, I wondered what it would be like to have to make two cups each morning.  Maybe I would need a larger coffee maker.  

This is not the first time I have thought about this.  In fact, I think about it a lot.  I thought about it a lot with T and I were together.  Lately it has been less.  Since I have not been spending 2 or more days a week hanging out with T, I have been at K's house with the kids a lot more.  (Yes, I know, that's probably not healthy for me either, but spending time with the kid is good.)   I really only go to my house to sleep and shower.  I leave for work early in the morning and then head to K's house after work.  I stay there until the smaller kids go to bed.  My daughter still likes it when I tuck her in.  

This morning I found myself thinking about the possibilities with this new guy.  I still have not met him and the conflicts I had a couple days ago are still there, but this morning I was thinking.  

I am hopeful and careful at the same time.  Maybe he will be the right guy for me and I won't have to have coffee by myself anymore.  On the other hand, he might be totally crazy, which is why he is interested in a older, balding guy in the first place.  

He will be back from his traveling in the middle of next week.  Maybe I will get a chance to meet him soon.  

Thursday, January 30, 2014

More Conflicting Clarity


It all seemed simple enough in the beginning.  I would come out of the closet and everything would be fine.  After all its all about being who you are, right? 


The divorce for K was painful and slow.  It was awful, but I got through it.  I knew it was the right thing to do for both of us.  I knew she deserved a man who loved the woman she is.  Of course I knew I deserved T.  The man who showed me what being IN LOVE really felt like.  Even though there was conflict, I knew what had to happen.  I knew what I had to do.  Even though I drew it out longer than it needed to be, because I was scared, I always knew K and I were not going to be able to stay married.


I had thought that T was going to be the partner I had always dreamed of.  Yes, we all know the reason why that was stupid, including the fact that he kept telling me that it was not going to happen.  But I loved him so much, I stuck with him a long time hoping he would come around.  Plus there was comfort there for me.  I knew that he loved me for me.  I knew that no matter what   Now that we have been broken up more than 5 months (yeah, it has been that long) my love for him still runs very deep.


Which brings me to my new conflict.


I have met someone via Match.com.  At first I didn't think he was a real person.  I was thinking that maybe he was some kind of fake email generated by Match, so people like me would not get discouraged and ask for their money back. (as if that would do any good...).  Now I am wondering if he is too good to be true.


I have not yet met him in person, but we have spoken a few times on the phone.  We have exchanged several email and text messages.  From his messages it seems that he likes me.  I think he seems nice, but I am resistant to "like" him back.  Partly, because my feeling for T are still so strong, and so raw.


This new guy, let's call him "JC", is more than a few years younger than I am.  He has made it very clear that he wants to be in a serious partner relationship with the right man.  Oh...  That's good.  At least I know our relationship goals are compatible.  He says he has no family.  Both his parents have passed away and the only family he has mentioned is an elderly aunt who lives several states away.  While I would not wish anyone to not have a family of their own, at least I know I won't have to worry about if his mother approves of me or not.


JC has been traveling out of state this week, but I have been keeping in touch with him.  All of this seems pretty nice. So where is the Conflicting Clarity?  I don't know if JC is the right guy for me or not.  I won't know that until I meet him and get to know him more, but at least I know that his relationship goals are like mine.  It seems that his interest in me is growing.  It seems like my interest in him should be growing, but it's only making be more stressed. 


How can I think about attaching my heart to someone, when it still belongs to T?  T and I have not seen each other or weeks.  We only speak on the on the phone a couple times a week.  Even our texting is much less than it was.  

I guess I am still wishing for it to be different.


Friday, January 10, 2014

Starting The New Year



The new year is here.  It's really here, like we are 10 days into it already and I am still a little in shock that it's 2014.  

2013 was, on balance not a great year for me.  Professionally it was pretty good.  I didn't get any more money but I am a lot more secure in my position and in my company than I was.  My British overlords like me and even from 3500 miles away they are able to see the value that I am adding to the business.

Personally it has been more of a mixed bag.  I have further advanced my relationship with my children, and I am pretty happy about that.  I have not made ANY progress in making any gay friends.  And we all know about the demise of my relationship with T.  

All in all I am petty happy to see 2013 go and I am hoping for a better 2014.

One thing that is better, K is finally done with nursing school.   She is now K, RN.  This will free up will of her time which in turn will free up more of my time.  Ironically, this week I have actually spent more time with her than ever.  She has been home every night and since I have nothing else to do, I have been coming over there because this is where my kids are.

T and I are still in contact.  (Yes, I know what you are going to say...)  We talk sometimes.  Usually about the events of the day.  It's nice to talk to him, but sometimes it's still hard.  I have not completely moved on in my mind. I still wish for things.  I think he has though.  I think he accepts that things between us will never be, so he has moved on.

He is not seeing anyone, but he is encouraging me to.

This week I put a profile out on Match.com.  I wrote it, but I think I make myself sound more like a puppy.  (I say a bunch of times how loyal I am.  ;-) )

People must not like.  I have been looked over by about 40 people in the last 4 days and no one has written to me or taken any sort of interent.  Is "looked over" the right word?  Maybe "picked over" is better.  Ugh ...

To be fair, I am being kind of half hearted about the whole thing.  I am only partly interested.  I even have a hard time remember to go and look at the email to see if anyone wrote or even looked at me.  I have not taken the time to write to anyone.

T thinks I need to lose weight and that will help.  He's right about that too.  I have put on more than an couple pounds since Thanksgiving and I need to get that undercntrol.  

This weekend I have the kids all weekend.  K is working over nights, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  AJ left this morning on a business trip to Mexico so he will be no help.  I will have a lot of time on my hands this weekend.    I'll have time to look over my profile, revise it, and make it better.  I may even write to a few people and see if I get any traction that way.

Or maybe I will just take a nap.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Visiting The Happy Couple

I have not posted in a while.  There are a couple of reason.  Partly because I have been busy.  Partly because not much has changed and I didn't see the need to bore anyone further with my heart break.

T and I have not seen very much of each other in the past month.  Once.  Maybe twice.  We text a few times a day and we speak on the phone only about every third or fourth day.  It's too painful for me to talk to him sometimes.

He tries to talk to me about things like nothing is wrong.  I know that he missed me too and is putting on a brave face.  I am not as good at putting on the brave face.  I end most of the conversations upset.  Sometimes with tears.

We have talked about the posibility of going back to the way thing were.  I asked T what would happen if his mother objected?  Would he abadon me or would he stand up for us.  Would he tell his mom that we were a couple and this is what he wanted?

He then reminded me that we were going around in the same circle.

And he was right.

sigh

I guess I need to find a way to accept him as my friend and move on.

-------------------------------------------------

Last night I went to visit an old friend.  Years ago I wrote about him.  He was a guy who lived across the street from me.  He came out and had an ugly divorce from his wife.  After years of making poor and risky decisions, he now has a really good partner and a solid relationship.  He has exactly the kind of a relationship that I want for myself.  No, it is not perfect.  I can see there are flaws.  However, they deal with them together.  Exactly the way these types of relationships should work.  No one should have to deal with anything alone.

I hung out with them for several hours.  We talked a lot, mostly about normal stuff.  Kids.  Home improvement.   Very little about my relationship with T or theirs.

I did get to meet one of their moms.  She lives in the house next door.  She was very nice.  Clearly she was accepting of her son AND his partner.  There was no second thoughts.  There was no reservations.  It was just as natural as can be.

That's just what I need.

Maybe I will get lucky.


Sunday, November 24, 2013

You're Not The Only One Who Cries.




At least his mom is happy.  

Friday, November 22, 2013

Hurt. Broken. Angry. Pathetic.

Last week I thought I was at the bottom.  I thought it was as bad as it could get.  I was wrong.

I have not slept in weeks.  I cannot concentrate on things.  I find I am distracted often.  When I am not focused on work or the immediate needs of the children, I am thinking of T. 

I picture him sitting around his dining room table with his family.  Thy tell discuss talk about the day they have each have had.  They laugh together at the funny stories.  

Today he and his sisters went a family friend.  This friend has a young daughter (less than one year old) and they are meeting her for the first time.  As I was flipping though Facebook today, there was T's smiling at the baby.  I did not expect to see him.  T does not use Facebook (he avoids technology stuff) but his sister does and I am friends with her.

I am empty inside.  I was to see T.  I want him to come and hold me.  I want him to tell me, this was all just a big mistake.  I want him to tell me that he loves me, and he never wants to be apart from me ever again, no mater what his mother or anyone else says.

I want desperately to call him tonight.  I want to tell him how much I love him.  Tell him how much he means to me.  But I am afraid, I will say something stupid or hurtful.

For all the love I feel, I also feel hurt on a level I have never felt before. And it's wake, a whole lot of anger.  In some ways, I feel like a wounded animal. I guess maybe I am.   I want to ask why, if he loves me as much as he says, would he put me though all this pain, just to keep his mother happy?  Why would he choose to destroy me just to keep the illusion of harmony in his house?   It's almost as if he never really understood the depth of my love for him and therefore did not expect the level of pain that I would endure when I was forced to walk away.

My head knows these are not fair questions, but my heart hurts so much, I know that my judgement is clouded. 

Others I have talked to tell me this will pass.  They are people who have has many short term relationships in their lives.  For them a long term relationship is measured in months.  That is not me.  For me they are measure in years.  I dedicate myself.  I focus on someone.  I plan a life around them.  In this case foolishly, because I was warned not to, but I did anyway.

As the days pass the pain in my heart gets worse not better.  I had hoped that sharp stabbing pain would have turned to a dull throbbing pain, but it has not.  The blade continues to twist.

I feel like a pathetic loser.

I should be able to walk away.  I should be able to say, "Fine.  If he doesn't want to be with me, I will find someone who does."  But I can't.

I just can't.