(Author's note: When I started this I had a clear idea of what I wanted to say, but then it turned in more of a stream of consciousness. Bear with me...)
I have refreshed my profile on Match.com and some people are looking at it. No one has written yet, but I have not taken any affirmative steps either. Well, I did write to this one guy I was supposed to meet 2 years ago when T and I briefly broke up. He did write back and I am supposed to meet him tonight. He seems nice and we will see how it goes. I don't really have high hopes.
This is hard and a pain in the ass on a good day. But something has been making it much harder for me.
I cannot help but think it's very hard to look at dating others, when you already know who your true love is.
I believe in true love. I believe there is someone for everyone. I believe in soul mates. I think that I know who my true love is. I know the person I supposed to be with. So why am I talking to other people?
Yes, this is my heart talking. While my brain "clicked" last week and said it was ready to move on, my heart has given my brain a big "fuck you!!"
A guy from my fraternity got married yesterday. He is not someone I know well, but as many of the fraternity guys, we are all friends on Facebook. His wedding appeared to be a large affair. Many of his friends starting posting pictures of it last night.
This guy is a young good looking guy. His partner (now husband) is a little older but not a lot. He just finished law school and he is already a very busy attorney. He goes out a lot. He has a lot of friends and a man who ardors him. They go on vacations together and do all kinds of things together. He kind has the life I want (except he has no kids...yet).
But as I was looking at the pictures on Facebook I kept thinking the same thing over and over.
What good is doing all the stuff I say I want to do, if I cannot share it my the man I love? I have (or used to have) a man who fulls my heart with love. Even now, I cannot picture a future for myself where he is not with me.
How are these things related? If I have a true love, maybe I can (and should) alter my vision of my future. T is a workaholic, but he will not work forever. He will eventually retire and have a lot of time on his hands. He is not one of these guys who will be working as a doctor into his old age. He has a plan to retire long before then. Oddly enough, it will be about the time my daughter is off to college. He will have extra time and so will I. I won't be able to retire then, but that's okay.
The other thing I thought of, is time. One thing the Chef showed me is what it would be like to be with someone with a LOT of extra time on his hands. The Chef has one child who is grown and moved away. He looks after his mother, but she is largely self sufficient despite her advanced age. So the Chef, has a lot of time on his hands. Once he finishes work, there is not much more for him to do.
The Chef liked seeing me, and was often frustrated by my lack of time for him. I was always doing something, usually with the kids. Not that we didn't get to see each other, but it was not enough for his liking. Today we are friends, nothing more. I think he might like more, but I really am not interested in anything beyond friendship with him.
As I re-enter this online dating thing, I worry I will meet someone I like and get attached, only to have him leave because I do not have enough time for him. That was never an issue with T.
My life with T was not perfect. There was a lot about it that did not fit into the vision I had for myself. But maybe I am putting the cart before the horse. Maybe I need to scrap that vision and look at what is in front of me. Maybe I need a new vision. Maybe I need to develop that vision WITH someone else rather then expecting someone to conform to my vision. A couple in love develops a vision together, but the love comes first.
Love first, vision (developed together) comes later.
This is where I went wrong with T. I tried to shoehorn him into my vision of what I wanted in my life. Rather than us developing a shared vision of the future together, I tried to convince him my vision was better. I tried to convince him he would be happy in my vision and I did not consider his vision (or at least not enough). So rather than cooperating on our SHARED vision, I continued to bang my head against the wall with frustration when he did not conform to mine. I was a fool.
Maybe if we had walked a shared path together, rather than me trying to pull him down my path, I would not have been so frustrated.
We both would have been happier.
Maybe we would still be together...
...and we could have found our happiness together.