When I last talked about The Chef, it was not in a nice way. I can't remember now (and I am too lazy to go back and look) what the issue was, but it is likely he felt some slight from me (to be fair, often justified), got emotional, and said something horrible. He does that when he gets upset. K used to do that too. When she did it over the years, it would upset me, but I would quickly decide that it was not worth the argument and I would let it drop.
When The Chef does it, it pisses me off and I think, "Well fuck him. I don't need this shit." and I stop talking to him. Then because I'm pissed, I'll tell someone like K or T that The Chef was an asshole to me. They tell me he is a jerk and I should stop wasting time with him. I won't tell them about the thing I did to provoke him, so he ends up looking worse.
Invariably, in a couple of days, but no longer than a week, The Chef will reach out to me. He will say something cute that will break my urge to ignore him. When I respond, he will apologize for whatever it is that he said. We will engage in conversation and then we both feel better. This has happened a few times over the year I have known him.
So the question is, why do I bother with him?
I think part of the reason is, he likes me. Since T and I broke up, I have been online looking to meet people with poor results. Gay guys don't seem to like me. I am not what they want physically and therefore they are not interested in taking the time to get to know me. Most people who take the time, like me to some degree. The Chef is someone who is not interested in guys who look like they stepped off the cover of Men's Health. He is attracted to guys who look like me, therefore he was interested in taking the time to get to know me.
T was like that too. I never had a lean body, and I know T likes that. But with him, he liked my eyes. That small physical attraction was enough for him to want to get to know me. Once he did, he was able to look past other physical defects, get to know the real me and... well, you know the rest.
Regarding The Chef, it would be dishonest of me to not admit that part of the reason I am willing to deal with his emotional outbursts, is because he likes me, and there are not a lot of other guy who do. I have to admit that part of me (a small part) wonders if he is not my last best chance.
The other reason is more self-reflective. I think I provoke him. Part of me is still (and will always) be linked to T. My feelings for him are always there. Sometimes, I think I am disappointed that The Chef is not T, so I do or say things that push The Chef away.
This is all in my head. T is not doing or saying anything to make me hang on to him. In fact, sometimes I feel like he is keeping me at arms length, you know close enough for a best friend, but not as close as a boyfriend. He tells me all the time I need to find a boyfriend. I have told you before about the active steps he has taken to invite me to things where I will meet other gay people. He has been clear on what I need to do. The stuff in my head, is mine alone.
So back to The Chef. Over the past several months we have been talking. He would like more of a boyfriend relationship with me. I am resisting. When I start to think that way, shit happens and then it's no fun. I have made it clear that I want to be his friend first. I want to get to know him more. I want to take things as they come. If he is my boyfriend, I have certain expectations of him. I have different and lesser expectations of people who are just friends.
With the "just friends" attitude, we have been getting along pretty well over the last few months. I know he still wants more. I don't know where it will go in the end. I am taking things as they come.
I am still actively trying to meet more people. I will still go to the "gathering of the gays" that T invites me to. Two of the guys that go (a married couple) live not far from me and are interested in meeting up from time to time. I am also thinking about joining a gay bowling league, different from the one I did a few years ago. If this thing with The Chef does not work out, then I maybe I will have some good friends I can hang with. That will make being alone, not so bad.
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