Walking the Road

I have been thinking about my journey and some of the things that T and I talked about last weekend.  He thinks I still have a way to go, but he also thinks that I am making good progress and doing the right things.


He thinks that it is good that I am working hard to be supportive of her and begin there for K as much as I can.  I do that because I want to (she is my best friend) not to mention it is the right thing to do.  I don't expect that I will stop anytime soon.  I expect that I will be much closer to K and most gay men are with their ex-wives.  


This has been one of my goals all long.  Even if I find the perfect partner (whether this is T or not) I doubt I could be happy if I had a hostile relationship with K.  I think I am doing many of the right things.  Of course I am still working on making things better for me and her and the kids.  


K and I are still considering the possibility of houses where we can both live with the kids and each have our own space and lives.  Will that work forever?  Probably not.  I expect I will either commit to T or I will start dating and find a man who can be my partner and i will want to be with him.  I think that sooner or later, K will start dating and I think it will be easy for her to find a man that will love her in the way she wants and deserved.  When that happens, I doubt she (and/or her new man) will really want the gay ex-husband hanging around all the time.


For the time being, I will keep walking the road in the best way I know how.

Feeling Good ... Mostly.

I had a pretty good weekend.  I did a bunch of stuff with K and the kids.  K and I have been getting along really well.


On Saturday, T and I went out.  We had a good time together and talked about a lot of things.  He is a good listener and he has good perspectives, most of the time.  One thing he told me is that I need to stop feeling guilty about my situation.  "Just stop it." he said.  


That is the same thing I have heard from my shrink, from K, from my mother, and from people who have commented here.  Now all I need to do is do it.  It's one thing to know intellectually what to do, it is another to do it in real life.

Getting My Man Fix

I have a date tonight.  T and I are going out.  While we talk every day I have not seen him in person for over a month.  Partly because schedules have not matched up and partly because we have had 2 weekends in a row when the weather was snow and ice making travel dangerous.


I am going to see him tonight.  I don't know what the plan is yet, but I doubt it will be like the picture, as much as I would love that.  It will be good to see him.  Just looking into his eyes fills up my soul and makes me happy.


I am getting my man fix and hopefully that will carry me to the next time I see him.  It will also help remind me that in the arms of a man who loves me is where I truly belong.  

Moving at Half the Speed of Smell

K and I had a good talk last night.  I reminded her what a good friend she is and how luck I am to have her.  She reminded me she was still pissed at me, but she loved me too.


Then this morning she sent me several Craigslist entries for apartments for rent and then one for a large house with an in-law apartment.  I suppose she is trying to be helpful. There really are 2 K's.  The angry soon-to-be-ex-wife and the best friend.  Of course I don't blame her for having an angry side 


I am moving, but slowly.


I have heard I am over analyzing my situation.  Well of course I am.  It's one of those things I do.  My shrink mentioned that to me too.  We talked about how I have run all the possible scenarios that could possible happen to my in my situation.  It is exhausting, but I have to believe when I finally make the leap off the diving board, I will be ready for what ever happens.  The reality is that it will probably not be as bad as my worst fears, but I;m still scared.


I think I have told a story about how when I was little I walked out to the end of the diving board and was afraid to take the plunge.  Even though I knew I could swim, and I really wanted to jump, there was something inside me that kept me from from jumping.  Of course once I did jump I was not only glad I did, but it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.  I guess this is a the same type of thing, except it's not just me, it's K and 4 minor children who will be effected.

Chasing My Tail

So once more around.


In talking to my therapist (can I call her a shrink?) and she is still pushing me to move out of my home.  She pushed me to visualize what it will be like be on my own.  I don't think I am quite ready for that, just yet.


I know that we will not remain married as we had planned. I am gay, I do not feel about her like I should, even though I love her very much.  But I am too scared to move out on  my own.


She (the shrink) is pushing me to actively find and build a circle of gay friends.  I think this is a good idea, and even K is supportive of this.  There is a problem.  I can't ever get out.  I have a hard time getting out to see T more than once of twice a month, how the hell am I going to find time to make other friends.


I think there will be a lot more tail chasing before I get moving in the right direction.


I did ask if she knew a gay therapist.  She seemed surprised by the question, but she said she would ask around.  I have a theory that talking to someone who is more familiar with my struggle, might be helpful.

Back in Therapy

I am going back to see my therapist tomorrow.  I need her to help me.  Apparently I am the only one I know that has not come to realize that I cannot be a gay man and still be married to K and live a "straight" life.  


I need her to help me move my head into to a place where I can accept the changes in my life.  I need to focus on being a good dad to my kids, be a good friends to K and be true to me.


I need her to help me accept who I am and all the things that go with it.  I think I have a handle on who I am.  I am gay and that is not going to change.


I need her to help me accept that I made the mistake of my life when I "chose" to be straight back when I was in my teens.  I need to accept that that happened and I married a woman.  I cannot change that fact, I can only move on from here.  I hear myself say that (or type that) but I cannot seem to bring myself to accept it and forgive myself.  


Because I cannot move on, it seems no one else can move on either.

Accept Who You Are

It has been a long week. 


It started with K having some surgery. (She is doing fine.  Thanks for asking.)


Because I had taken a few days off to be with K, going back to work on Wednesday was very difficult with a lot of stuff on my desk.  Friday night is started to snow.  In a area of the country that does not get a lot of snow, we got more than 6 inches.  Six inches of snow in Buffalo is no big deal but here it is.  Mostly because Buffalo probably has 300 snow plows.  We have something like 10.


K and I have been talking a lot over the past days and one of the things she keeps telling me over and over.  "You need to accept that this is who you are and all the things that go with it.  The sooner you accept that, the sooner all of us can move on."


Tonight we ordered Chinese and the fortune above was in my cookie.  Very perceptive cookie. 


The truth is I am gay.  The error is that I did not accept that years ago and got married.  Now I just need to move forward.  Sound easy enough, right?

Hanging In There For Now

Hi.  I am still here and kicking.  

K had some surgery Monday and she is doing fine.  It was fairly routine, but she needed me to stay home from work for 2 days.  

Back in the office today, and I have a TON of stuff to catch up on.  I have some things to talk about, but I don't have time to write it today.

I'll be back in a day or too.

Comments on Ian's Comment

When I started doing this blogging thing I did not think anyone would read it. If they did, I was not sure if anyone would comment.  If they did, I had mostly decided that I would not comment on comments, but it appears that rule is out the window.


First there was Lion Queen and, this morning, Ian posted a comment on my post from Thursday.  These 2 have urged me to stay in my marriage, to keep what I have.


Ian says a lot of things that I have been thinking myself, which part of why I am paralyzed in my situation, continuing to run in circles.  Please remember I appreciate his comment even though there is some parts I strongly disagree with.


He said, first, that I have a life that a lot of men would kill for.  I believe, in some respects, that is true.  I have a wife who is my best friend and she loves me.  I have 4 great kids and aside from the normal craziness that comes with a house full of kids, we all get a long pretty well.  I know I have this.  I know that it has and will suffer.  I have said many times before I am blessed beyond measure.  Ian thinks the price of leaving my marriage is simply too high.  He might be right.


He goes on to talk about how just because I have "capacity to love a man in a sexual way" does not mean that I should.  He goes on to compare that capacity to every man's ability the lie, cheat, steal and murder and just because we can do these things does not mean we should.  Of course this comparison is total bullshit and offensive.  I really wish he had not said that.  My first reaction was to ignore the entire comment because he pissed me off.  He does, however, bring up a point I want to explore.


When I was young I believed "gay" was simply a set to sexual behaviors, nothing more.  When I was in my late teens I made a decision not to engage in these behaviors and that would make be straight.  Back then I was wrong.  I was not straight, only "straight acting".  


This is important.  


"Straight Acting"  


In fact, I am straight acting.  My sister tells me I am the straightest gay guy she knows.  That part of my personality is genuine.  But the fact that I thought that was enough, led me to make other decisions, all based on a false assumption that straight acting and straight are the same thing.


I met a woman who quickly became my best friend.  I married her because I thought the feelings I was feeling was "in love".  There is no question it was love, but looking back I am not sure if it was "in love".  So I lived my straight acting live and at some point I realized that straight acting is not straight.  I am gay and pretending to be straight is just that, pretending.


This brings me back to Ian and his comment.  He says I have "done tremendous damage to (my) marriage" that may be unrepairable.  He is right, but not in the way he thinks.  I suspect he thinks I did the damage when I finally told my wife that I am not bi, but gay and through all the conflict and commotion of the past 21 months.  He is wrong.  I did the damage the day I asked K to marry me.  On that day, without realizing it, I planted a seed that would eventually lead me to this day.


So what do I do about it?  Well, I have been asking that question since I started the blog back in July.  What do I do?


Ian clearly thinks I should stay put. be grateful for my blessing and not be tempted by the "magical world over the gay rainbow".  I have always said that I know there is no utopia over there, but lets put that to the side for now.


What happens if I stay with my K in our marriage.  If we follow the "capacity" train of thought, I have the capacity to love a man, do I have the capacity to love a women in the same way?  This is important too.


Let's stay I stay and K agrees to let me. Let's go on to say that I am able to control my gay urges and I never cheat or stray from the marriage.  What about me?  How do I deal with the emptiness and loneliness in my heart?  And there is another question that neither Lion Queen nor Ian have asked.  What about K?  Well?  What about her?  What about her feelings?  What about her needs?  Let's talk about that.


Even now I am good to K.  I take good care of her, I am respectful of her feelings, I look out for her and she depends on me.  But she feels lonely because she knows I do not love her the way a straight husband should love his wife.  I know that's not what she wants out of her life.  She wants what a lot of women want, a man so in madly in love with her and only her that he never thinks about other women (or men).  As strong as my love is for her, I do not feel the way she wants me to.


So now what?  How will she feel living her life with a husband that is gay but straight acting.  Essentially pretending. Going though the motions of a happy couple.  How is that a good thing?  Is it a good thing for her?  It is good for me?  


Here is a question no one has asked, what have I just taught my kids about relationships.  I'll save that for another day.


Despite the way this post sounds I am glad that Ian posted his comment and I invite him to post more.  In a lot of ways he has given another voice to things that have held me in limbo for all this time.  And me might have pushed me a little more in the direction I need to go.

A) Secure & Stable B) Is It Worth It?

So this post will be a 2fer

I have spent a lot of time writing here about my problems, my feeling and a bunch of general boo hoo-ing about my situation.  While it is true that I am now in a difficult situation and I have become depressed.


I was not always like that.  I used to be strong & stable.  I was always even handed and even tempered.  I was generally happy and enjoyed my life.  All while I was so far in the closet that I did not even realize I was there.  In a lot of ways I was happier in the closet.  


I used to work with a woman who mother was in a nursing home with advanced Alzheimer's Disease.  Many people with advanced Alzheimer's become paranoid and fearful, but this person did exactly the opposite, she was happy all the time.  She did not know she was in a nursing home, she did not know she was sick, and she did not know that she would soon die from her disease.  In effect, she was in denial about her condition much the same way I was in denial about being gay.     


Now that my genie is out of the bottle and I know who I am, it's a lot harder to go back to those simpler days.




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I very much appreciate all the comments I get on on my posts.  I do not sensor them, approval is not required and I have never deleted any because I disagreed.  I am not offended by people offering their opinions.  If I didn't want the opinions of others I would not have started Blogging in the first place.


I have been getting some comments from The Lion Queen (http://idontunderstanditeither.blogspot.com/) that are not like many of the others.   Most offer encouragement that separating from K and living my life openly and honestly will set my soul free.  There is a lot of me that thinks that is true and I am working in that direction.


Then there is Lion Queen.  He thinks I should take look at what I have a not be in such a hurry to throw it all away in pursuit of a homo utopia that may or may not be there for me.


He comment on my post from yesterday:


Is giving up your nice house, your wife, time with your kids worth it all?

I wonder whether in 6 months time, sitting alone in a rented room in someone else's house (with or without T) you may come to regret some of your decisions.



I have to say I did not like hearing this even though there is a part of me that feels this way.  I sounds like something K has said to me in the past.  I very much worry that leaving my marriage to live openly as a gay man will ultimately be the wrong choice.  


On the other hand, if you read Lion Queen's blog, he is playing a risky game too.  He is cheating on his wife with other guys.  What kind of hell is he going to have to deal with when (not if) he gets caught?  I'll bet there will be some fallout that will make my situation look like a walk in the park.


Please do not misunderstand, I am not judging him or anyone else.  I am just exploring the possibilities.  If I were to recommit with K, she has already told me that our formerly open arrangement is off the table.  It is no longer an option that I will get permission from her to hook up with other guys.  So then what?  I will have internet porn, but we all know that is a poor substitute.  Sooner or later I will have the "urge" (I really hate that word) to be with a man.  And I worry that eventually Lion Queen and I will both be cheating on our wives, hoping like hell we don't get caught, but knowing in the back of our minds it is only a matter of time before we are busted.


So that brings me back to the question, "Is it worth it?"  The answer is I don't know, but it is something I plan to explore in my hear and maybe here over the next few days.

Coming and Going

I have been busy at work and bringing work home for the past few days.  While I am glad I have a job, and a good job, it's is taking a toll.


My situation is unchanged (anyone surprised?) but that is not to say there is not some movement.


K and I had a huge argument, well more like an outburst.  She was upset about something I did when one of the kids was misbehaving.  Among other things She did told me that she was going to have trouble with the kids when I was gone.


The next day as part of an apology for unloading on me, she said we needed to work out a plan for the kids she can do on her own and I can reinforce.


Later we were talking about T.  He is moving into a new house and having trouble with his Home Owners Association.  Anyway, as I was telling her about his situation she said, "You can tell him that you are available for the future."


She did not say any of it in anger, except the first one.  I know she still is angry, but she is not showing it much.  I also wonder if she is coming to accept who I am and no matter how much we both wish it was different, we can't change it.


On the other side, I am trying to figure out what is to become of me.  I am not thrilled about renting a room in someone else's house. I can't afford another house or even a full sized apartment.  With the money I have to spend it looks like I can afford to rent a really crappy house, a moderately crappy apartment, or a room in someone else's nicer house.  Renting a room should good, but I can't really "take the kids" for the weekend in a situation like that.  


More things to think about, but I think there are emotional changes happening, even if they are small ones.

From Anger to Resentment...Is that a Good Thing?

It has been a fun filled weekend.  Well, I'm sure not if "fun" is the right word, but it has been full.


We have spent most of the weekend together as a family, me K and the kids.  It has been OK.  Most of the anger from last couple of weeks has faded some (faded, not gone).


K and I have talked about a bunch of things including a man whom is madly in love with her.  I have written about D, before.  She has known him for a long time and he has been in love with her for all that time.  I know K loves him to, but as a close friend.  I doubt he would be able to be the man that K needs, but the truth is, it is none of my business.  


The important thing for me is that she is re-opening her mind to the idea of moving on.  She also is thinking of me as a friend she can confide in.  I did not offer advice, but listened as she talked.  I asked questions when I needed to clarify things.  She seems like she need to talk and I let her.


Later we talked he going back to school.  Kind of a sore subject.  She   does not really want to and she was perfectly happy having me support her and now she has to prepare to support herself.  "I have more than a little resentment about that, you know."  


I don't blame her, I know it's hard for her and that hurts me a lot.

Lucky? In Many Ways.

I heard from The Lion Queen on my last post and it made me think about if I am luck or not.  Of course in a lot of ways I am, but not in the ways he thinks.


Am I lucky that K has always known about my attraction to men and she has accepted me and loved me anyway?  ABSOLUTELY!!  There is no questions she is a special woman and a special friend.


Was I lucky that K let me seek out other men to satisfy my sexual desires?  Maybe.  


I was able to get my rocks off, but in the end it was just sex.  It was empty and unfulfilling.  I know there are a lot of guys who want exactly that, quick no strings sex (Wham, bam thank you ma'am... sir)  not for me.  Usually left these encounters feeling dirty and ashamed.  Then I slip into bed next to K and wake up in the morning as if nothing happened.


But she allowed this.  Am I lucky? While she told me at the time it was OK, it turned out not to me OK.  She was not at all happy about it.  She was in fact deeply hurt, that she was not enough of a woman to satisfy my needs.  She told me, after the fact, that while she wore a smile, she felt like furniture in her own house.  It's not that I was distant or neglectful to her, quite the opposite I have always been (and continue to be) very attentive to her needs.  But she was in love with a man who was leaving the house and family to have sex with strange men.


Is that lucky?  I suppose if I did not care about her and her feelings, I would think that I was lucky.  I asked her over and over if she was OK with it, just to be sure.  Each time she lied to me, so I would not know how hurt she really was When she finally came clean about her true feelings, I was devastated about the kind of pain I caused her. 


The Lion Queen said something else:  "The more you write I tend to think that you will not be satisfied in any situation and will always look for something more. "  


I hope I do not come across that way.  The truth is I need very little for myself and it takes very little for me to be happy.  All I was is to live in a way that is compatible with who I am.  I want to maintain my a relationship with my best friend and my children.  I don't know what "more" he thinks I need or am looking for.  I want to life with honesty and personal integrity.  I want to be who I am.  Love and be loved.  I want K to be happy and I want to help her be happy.  I want to renew my relationship with her in an honest and open way.  I want to find a man I can love and will love me back.  Eventually I want a partner that I can share my life with.  Is that T?  Maybe. 


Should I have been happy with the old arrangement K and I had?  No.  As I have explained, it was not good for me and it sure as hell was not good for her.  It might have sounded perfect to some, but it was far from it.  It was a lie.  Plain and simple.  While we were honest with each other, we lied to ourselves that everything was OK.


On a final note, I would not have met men at all without her permission.  The idea of cheating on her is repugnant to me.  I know lots of men (gay and straight) cheat on their wives, (and I am not in a position to judge anyone), I could not do it.  I could not look her in the eye in the next morning if I did.  I could not live with that kind of betrayal.  It is the only reason that K is still standing my me today.  I was honest with her from day one.  At least as honest with her as I was with myself.

You Are a Selfish Jackass

How much do you sacrifice for your marriage, for the ones you love?  How much suffering do you endure for your family?


"You are leaving. You are putting your happiness above the rest of us.  If it was me, I would have sucked it up and stuck to the commitments I made 16 years ago."  That's what K told me.  I believe she would.


I can't remember if I have blogged about this before, but for several years I was allowed to go out and meet men for sex.  While most men in my situation operate on the down low and cheat on their wives, I had permission in advance.  K and I had an agreement, and there were rules I agreed to follow.  Among them, I had to tell her in advance what my plans were.  If she asked I had to tell her what I did. If she became uncomfortable she would tell me and I would stop.  This went on for more than 4 years.  On the surface it was a great thing.  I got to go out once in a while (usually less than once a month) and I got to maintain my straight facade.  This was my "bisexual" stage.


The problem was 2 fold.  She was not really OK with it (and did not tell me) and when I met T, I fell in love with him (against the rules).  I found out much later that she was not OK with it at all and when I stop and thought about it, of course she was not OK.  She did it, she says, to make me happy, to try to meet my needs and it was sacrifice she made for her marriage to keep her commitments.  I believe her.


So what about me?  Why can't I keep my commitments?  I did say "till death do us part" and generally feel pretty healthy.  In letting me explore my sexuality she was VERY UNselfish and in the end it it probably screwed her.  Is there any wonder I am overcome by guilt most of the time?


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I talked to my shrink today (it's too hard to type therapist).  I am trying to get her to help me accept who I am and what it means.  I also need her to help me come to terms with the fact that some people that I love are getting hurt.


She is advising me to get out more and do things, with other gay people if possible.  She says I need to expand my support systems.  In all this, I really don't feel very social.  I feel myself being depressed and sinking deeper.

Many Thoughts Today

I have more talk about today.




I know the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.  It not so bad here but the longer I hide and live in a way inconsistent with who I am the harder it gets.  I read a lot of blogs written by gay man, many of them wither are of have been married to women.  All of these men have increase in their happiness that comes from just not having to hide anymore.  But in all cases, they have given up something, some more than others.  All so they can live honestly.  Most everyone does not have a perfect life, but everyone deals with it and makes the best in their own way.


I need to come to terms with the idea that my life will not be perfect but if I have inner peace may the rest will work out as it should.  It sounds simple enough, right?  I wish.


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K provides insights to me at the strangest times.  We were on our way to church this morning with all the kids in the van.  I said something my therapist told me about "not loving myself" as a reason that I overeat .  K told me if I would accept who I am, and then everyone would get over it, and I could love myself more.


I asked her later what she meant by that and she asked me if I wanted the "nice" answer of the "unfiltered"   


NICE:  The sooner you accept who you are and what it means to live as a openly gay man the sooner the rest of us can adapt and move on with our lives.


UNFILTERED: The sooner you accept who you are and come to terms with the fact you are screwing us all over, the sooner we can all get on with our lives.


I am not so thrilled with the idea of screwing anyone.  ("Well that's too bad, you have to get over that.")  That hurts, but if that's how she feels


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I was reading the post "Jagged Little Pill" by Emerging Identity (http://emergingidentity.blogspot.com).  This was a long post with a lot to say, but in the second half he was talking about his BF and BF's relationship with his wife.  They are in a place where they don't really like each other, yet, BF is paralyzed and cannot leave her and live a life more consistent with who he is.


In a lot of ways his situation is a lot like mine, except K and I still like each other.  I enjoy her company and we are good to each other (for the most part).  Not that I wish for this in any way, it would be easier for us to separate if we disliked each other.  It would be more obvious that we cannot be married.  it might be easier for all of us to accept.


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I spent a little time on Craig's List looking for people nearby who might have rooms for rent.  Very depressing.

Not Sure What to Write...

I have the urge to write, but I really have nothing to say.  K has been gone all day for her job.  I have been home with the kids and stuck inside.  It is sunny but too cold for anyone to want to go play outside.


I have not had much movement on my situation, but I have not expected too much this week anyway.  I did find a woman that was renting a room, but it will not be available until Feb 1.  I told K about this, but she did not have much to say about it.  Feels like I am running alone on a very long road


Of course the fear that leaving for the "gay side" of the fence not knowing if it will be better, or even good, is a problem for me.  The uncertainty is very stressful for me.


I read a lot of other blogs and I read one today that is a little disturbing and did not help me feel better about.  Chris at "My Journey Out" (http://www.myjourneyout.com/) Most recent post does not speak very well about the prospects for an over 40 guy, who might have a few extra pounds and less than an full head of hair.  


Of course I don't have a lot of experience with gay  "culture", if there is such a thing and it may be overstated the shallowness of a gay men.  If Chris is right, I'm screwed.  


On the other hand, I have T who does love me and I love him back.  Maybe I don't need to worry about gay culture at all.  It's like I need one more thing to worry about.  Maybe I should be worried about what might happen this month and not so much about.  

It's Not My Problem

Sometimes I think this is not a blog about me, it's about K.  I seem to talk about her so much.  I guess she is such a HUGE part of my life that I just can't get away from it.


So last night we talked and I told her why I did not just at the opportunity to recommit. I explained that I was unsure how I would deal with the sadness and loneliness associated with living on the fence.  How do deal with the pain of hiding all the time?


Her answer was simple.  "If you can't be happy here with me, then go and see if you can have happiness on the flowery, gay side of the fence."    She went on to tell me that this was not her problem and she cannot tell me she cannot tell me what I should do.


Of course, once again, she is right.


I have spent the past 21 months in indecision and now that I have a likely direction, I al spending my time feeling sorry for myself.  I have ready the comments that the pain will come, it will be bad, but it will pass.  


I feel like a kid who needs a shot, so scared it's going to hurt I am paralyzed with fear.


She is tired of me feeling sorry for myself.  Franking I'm getting tired of it too.  Tired of feeling it.  Tired of writing and talking about it.


I am eager for the pain to be over.  More and more I know this means moving out of my house and away from my family.  I am not eager to do that.

Look Kids ... Big Ben ... Parliament ...

So the anger continues and around and around I go in my head.  My blogger friends tell me to be proud of the courage I have shown, but I feel like a douche.


K is angry I did not jump at the chance to commit to her and the kids when I had the chance.  She is pissed I am placing my own happiness above her and the kids and she is pissed that I am reneging on a deal I made before God and witnesses over 16 years ago.  She is pissed that it appears I am willing to through everything we built together away to explore the gay side of the fence, with even knowing for certain I will find happiness there.


She is pissed and she has a right to be.


I have said before that I want nothing more than to be straight and have my family back.  I would love to recommit myself to her and the kids forever.  I really would.  It's nice that she will give me that chance even thought she knows I am gay.


However...


How does that address the pain and loneliness I feel sitting on the fence?  How does recommitting to my marriage address the frustration of having to hide who I am all the time?  Is the peace I MAY find being honest and open about who I am, worth the damage and fallout that will happen here?  


What about the fallout to me?


Damn.

Still A Long Way To Go

So there is still a long way to go on my journey.  


On Saturday I has a melt down.  I knew K was angry with me and I I felt so sad and guilty for being the cause of her pain, I could actually feel pressure in my temples. As if my brain was going to explode.  All I could feel was sadness.  I went to see T on Saturday night and even that did little to help.  He and I have such little time together, it was a shame to ruin it like that.


I did feel better on Sunday, but only a little.


Today it was back to work after 11 days off.  Not only that it was COLD.  I'm starting to think global warming IS a hoax.


She is angry that I cannot be happy with her.  She is frustrated that I am gay.  She knows that I did not choose to be gay.  She knows that I did not lie to her when we got married and she knows that when I say I love her, I mean it.  I also think she is coming to the realization that for the past several months, maybe more, she has been in denial about who I am and what that means. 


I think the biggest thing is not my desire be be with a man, it's my desire to no longer hide who I am.  It is exhausting to always be pretending to be someone I'm not.  While it is possible I will find that all the people who like me now, will still like me once they know I am gay, I think it will be very liberating for me to be who I am.  Then I will know for sure.  I will be me.


I think this is what K is starting to see about me.  It's much more than just sex.  It's living with integrity.  It's living in the open.  It's living not on the down low, but the up high.


People can choose to associate with me or not, because I am gay, but at least I will know that the ones that stick with me are doing so because they like the real me, not the fake me I have been projecting all these years.


I feel like I have been rambling and I don't if any of that made sense.


It's been a long few days.

Gotta Love Mom...

I called my mother this afternoon to fill her in on the turn my situation has taken. I explained it all to her, my living on the fence metaphor, the options we (K and I) discussed with her therapist, and what we had finally settled on.

She listened, she understood, she let me know that she loved me, and asked what kind of support I needed. (How sweet is that?) We talked about how hard it is going to be over the next year as we work on the separation. Hard for me and hard for K.

The she asked me if I was still seeing T. I told her I was actually going to see him tomorrow. She told me that she has a vision of him and I together and it makes her feel happy. I thought that was really nice and it made me happy too.

On another note, K is not at all happy with me. She has not said much about anything since Wednesday, but I can tell. She has been short and our conversations have been very transactional. I know that she will be angry for a while and I know there is not much I can do to help her, even thought I want to.

I have no doubt that we are moving the right direction, no matter how painful it will be now, but it also kills me to see her hurting so much. I don't know if I should just stay out of her way or if I should be there for her to talk to (assuming she wants to). For the time being I am being as helpful as I can with the kids and leaving her alone. I encouraged her to go and ride her horse this evening and I would make dinner, for example.

I am hopeful for a good 2010 and beyond, but I know there is a lot of unpaved road ahead.

2010 ... A New Beginning ... ?

So this is New Year's Eve.

I am home with K and the kids watching the "America's Funniest Home Videos" marathon. From a gay perspective this sounds kind of boring, but it's nice to be here with the family. Once day, in the coming years I hope I can spend New Year's Eve with K, the kids, K's new man and T. I dream of a time when K and I find our loves and we are still able to hang out as best friends. That will not happen soon, but I can dream now.

Today was a pretty good day, with all of us together most of the day and we got along pretty good. At one point she told me she was "not happy" with me. I told her I knew that. With the kids around we did not talk about it much more, but I expect we might before going to bed tonight.

I talked to T for a long time tonight. He is glad that I finally have a direction with K. I really loves me and could see the pain I was in all the time and knew that only getting direction would put me on the right path. Smart guy. I am going to see him on Saturday night. I am very much looking forward to that.

I am praying for a better 2010 for me and for K (and everyone else). This will be a transition year but at least the circling has stopped.

The Pain Will End

So today was the day.

K and I finally met together with her therapist (let's call her "Pam"). She is more direct than mine. We talked about options and we talked about what we could life with. I explained my metaphor about living on the fence or between the fences. (read below if you missed it).

K said she would like to try recommitment, with some not unreasonable conditions. We talked some about commitment and our wedding vows. We talked about how I wanted to be straight, would give anything to be straight and be able to have my straight life. We talked about how maybe the happiness fo K and the kids was more important than mine. We talked able to be relatively happy being married to K for so long.

This is when the dawn started breaking and the clouds of confusion started to clear.

I did it before. Why was I so hesitant now? Because before I was under the self-created delusion that I was "bi-sexual" or at least not gay. Not that delusion is gone. I no longer believe it. It is no longer real. I can't go back that delusion. Then I would really be living a lie.

Then we talked about separating and what that would look like. That is not K's preferred direction but at this point she wants any direction. One thing that Pam said that really struck a cord with me. She said that separating would be difficult, very painful, but the pain would eventually end. If we tried to stay together, with me living on the fence and in pain from that, that pain would not have an end. There would be no healing, just an open sore on my otherwise good straight life. This was a lightbulb moment for me and maybe K too. I am not a good liar. If the pain I am in today was to be eternal, I don't think I could survive it.

So made the decision to separate. We don't know how long that will take, or what it will look like, but that is the direction we are moving. The 18 months of limbo is finally over.

There is a part of me that is terrified beyond belief. Like I am jumping off a cliff with no idea what is at the bottom, and no way to get back up. On the other hand, there is a feeling that a weight is being lifted off my shoulders, a feeling of relief.

I am finally on a road to a place where the pain will end.

Life On The Fence

First, I hope everyone had a great Christmas (if you are into that sort of thing). Mine started out really good, but then when down hill. My daughter spiked a high fever on Christmas day. We called the pediatrician and since they are not open on Christmas, the nurse said to give her Advil and call back if she gets worse. I was not happy with that so I called T. I don't know if I have mentioned it before but T is a physician and he thought that my daughter's fever was too high and we should take her to an urgent care. We tried that but it too was closed and then we ended up in the Emergency Room.

So from 2:00 to almost 7:00 on Christmas afternoon, K, My daughter, my youngest son, and me sad in an exam room at the hospital ER. Oh yeah, lots of fun.

In the end, nothing life threatening is happening, but no one has slept much over the past 2 nights, since she is up a lot.

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One another note I am trying to decide if my life is moving at all.

K told me that she is disappointed, but not angry, that when she offered me a chance to recommit to her and our marriage that I did not jump at the chance. We have not talked much more about that. Since I am home from work for the next week, we will have plenty of chances.

I also sent her a note. In it I tried to explain where I am and the decisions that I have to make. From her perspective it's simple. She told me, "I can't believe you want to give up all you have for a penis." Of course, it is not that simple.

I made my fence analogy. I am in a spot between the gay world and the straight world and part of what keeps me from interacting with the 2 is that I am in the closet to much of the world. I can't make straight friends because I cannot be myself since I would be hiding a secret and I cannot really make gay friends because I can't be totally open with them either. Because of this, I am so lonely much of the time I could just sit and cry much of the time.

On the other hand, there are things that make me less lonely, when my younger kids meet me at the door when I come home from work. When my older kids tell me something that is happening in their life. Even K will help chase the loneliness away. When she smiles or laughs, I sometimes forget the struggles in my mind, but only for a little while.

I will never be able to be part of the straight world the way she is, since I am not straight and I never will be. So my decision point is not really do I live in the gay or straight world. The decision is really, do I keep the live I have and continue to live on the fence for rest of my life, endure the personal loneliness in exchange for the benefits I get the being the with people I love or do I come completely out, find a man (T or someone else) who I can love & be loved, and try to be the best father and friend I can be?

I don;t know if this is progress or not, but it feels like it. I have narrowed my list of choices from 3 to 2. I have explained them to K and she just might get it.

If I leave our marriage and family, she has to understand that there is more to it than just a desire for me to play with a hard cock. It about much more than just physical sex.

Maybe It's Not My Problem

My therapist has told me that no one is responsible for anyone else's happiness (or contentment) other than their own. K has confirmed that she feels that way too.

She (my therapist) has stopped telling me that that because I told her I don't believe her.

Maybe I should re-think that. Maybe I should make a clean break. Just tell K I no longer love her and move out. Of course I do love her, but maybe I need to keep that to myself so she will give up hope and move on.

Maybe I need to tell her she married a gay guy and I need to be who I am. I'm sorry that hurts her and it's really not my problem. It's hers. Yes the pain will be great, but maybe it like ripping off a bandage. While the might be more intense if you rip it off quickly, it does not last a long.

Maybe I need to ignore her pain and the pain of the children when I leave. Maybe I need to just do what is right for me and not worry about anyone else. No matter how hard I try I cannot stop being gay, so unless I want to waste the rest of my life in the closet, I probably need to just move on. It will be better for everyone.

I have to stop dancing around the tree. Stop living on the fence. I have been hoping that K and I will come to the same conclusion that it really is best for everyone if I move on and it looks like that just is not going to happen. Maybe it's time to cut bait and walk away.

The problem is, I was not brought up to be insensitive to others, especially the ones I love the most. Things seem to me to be so difficult and hopeless that it;s may just be better to pretend and at least some of the people I love will be happy, or at least not as unhappy as they will be if I just leave. Maybe causing all that hurt is not as important to me having the man of my dreams.

Who says I can't live my whole life on the fence? I have been doing it since I was 12. What's another 40 years?

Recommit?

I think being gay sucks and I don't want to do it anymore.

Oddly enough, K and I want the same thing. She wants our family back. She wants us not to be broken anymore. She wants us to be a family, a real family again. United forever. Standing together, till death do us part.

She wants us to recommit ourselves to each other. She said if I thought her "parameters" were doable, she would recommit to me tomorrow. (No, I don't know what those parameters are, but I assume at least one of them involves no intimate contact with anyone else (male or female) which is not unreasonable.)

I want that badly. I would do almost anything to get it. If I thought for one second that gay conversion therapy would work, I would be standing in line, praying to be cured tomorrow. I really would.

I want my family back. I liked it better when I was in denial about who I am. It was a lot better then. I was a lot better when I could think of myself as a straight ally of gay people. While I was a supporter of gay people and their rights, I was sure I was not really one of them. Even when I was "experimenting" with guys, I left those encounters convinced I was straight, just just a little homosexual desire. In fact some of those encounters were with guys who were just as straight as me. sigh.

I was sure about my family relationships. I was sure K and I would be together forever. When K would tell me about her best friend and her boneheaded husband, we would look at each other and reassure each other that, that would be us.

But the truth is I am gay. I am living in that uncomfortable space between gay and straight. K wants to be out of limbo and have certainty back in her life, in our life. But now that I know who I am, will I just be going through the motions? Will I really be the husband she wants, needs and deserves? Will it all be just a lie again? I think it will, but what is my happiness worth? It is worth more than hers? The kids?

Maybe the truth that while I am gay and she is straight, we have a lot better relationship together than a lot of straight couples we know. K's sister for example. Her and her husband are on the brink of open warfare in their house. With all our troubles, we are no where near that. Maybe that is a relationship I can build on. Maybe a little thing like she is not a man it not such a big deal. Maybe I should take the good things I have a count myself lucky. After all she knows I am gay and she accepts me, she loves me, and she still wants to be with me. How many gay married can say that about their wives?

Can I recommit to her? Promise to be the best husband I can to her? Stand with her into old age and beyond?

Maybe.

Damn.

I hate being gay.

Blogger Disappointment

I read a several blogs. There are more than a few that I check everyday looking for new posts. I am also on the look out for new blogs from people who are on the same journey as me.

I found one today, or at least I thought I had. When you read someone's blog you get to know them. Anyone who has read mine sure knows me. Well, what happens when you realize that guy is a prick? I don't want to mention the blog, because I am not going to say anything nice about him. He is in his 40's, married, couple of kids and apparently he has a good gym trained body. He is also cheating on his wife (all the time) and intends to continue to cheat. He is superficial, placing more stock on what people look like than what they are actually like. He considered himself bisexual, and, to some extent, is tormented like by his conflicting feelings. He claims to want a relationship, but if more concerned with body hair and body fat percentage.

I think I stopped reading his blog and I will keep looking. It was disappointing because usually the more I read, the more I like the person. I guess you can't like everyone.

I hope I don't come off as a jerk.

Why Doesn't He Just Leave?

The therapist I have been seeing for just over a year now is always asking me what my body is telling me. "Listen to your body. How does it feel in your belly?" she would say.

About 2 months ago I when to look at a house where there was a room for rent. When I told her about it she asked, "How does is feel in your belly?" (She is a very "California" kind of therapist.) The truth is, it felt tight and my body was telling me I was freaked out. I looked around for a minute and got out as fast as I could. (It did not help that the guy was kind of creepy.)

She is encouraging me to move out (like many of my blogger friends) and let K move on. Why don't I do it?

I like my family. I love my family. I love my kids. I love K. I like to think those are the primary reasons. What are the others? I'm scared to leave everything I know. I am not sure how to establish myself in a world that I know very little about and I have conditioned myself is not for me.

My youngest son was sick today and stayed home from school. I came home a lunch to sit with him so K could go to her therapist, alone. When she got back it seems they spent a lot of time talking about the reasons why I have not left and why she has not kicked me out. She still loves me and is hoping I will come to my senses. There is also the point that I have been honest with her from the beginning and I have not been sneaking around, cheating on her.

Because we still love, and like, each other, we have many options. She did say again, that if I decided that I had to leave, that yes, it would suck for a while, she was sure that everything would be OK in the end. I am not sure I share her optimism. I want to, but I am not sure I do.

In the end I have to stop living on the fence. I have to stop living in the neutral zone. I need to either live my life as a straight family man, or as a gay man with an ex-wife and kids. Where I am now I can see both worlds. I can have limited interaction with both, but cannot be a full participant in either.

It's a very lonely place to be and for a long time now, I have been frozen in place.

I'm Not Dead.

No, I'm not dead. I have been very busy though. This past weekend was very busy with all kids of family related stuff. Hardly had time to remember I am gay. Sometimes I felt normal.

Most of my energy has been on work stuff. I am taking off from Dec 24 to Jan 4, about a week and a half. I can't wait, but of course I have a bunch of stuff to get done before I can go. So I have been working my ass of to get it all done.

I am going with K to her shrink tomorrow at lunch time. I don't know exactly what they are hoping to accomplish, but I am willing to go and see if they think it will help.

I'll let you know how it goes.

In the Blur

So I have had some stuff happen this week, some positive, some I'm not to sure about.

After our "You lied" talk, K met with her shrink and they talked about all the possibilities for us. They talked them all out. Everything from me leaving and never returning to me staying, pretending I'm straight and living forever as a married couple. K and I talked about that same later in the day. She told me, as she has before, if I walked away from her (as a husband) tomorrow, it would suck, really bad, for a while, but she knew in her gut that everyone would be OK in the end. I thought that was positive.

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K removed the "married" status from her Facebook page. She also removed the paragraph about her being "married to her soulmate" in her profile. Of course when changed like this occur, a notification is send to all her friends. We have 20 friends in common (mostly her family and my family) so they have all seen it. Including my mother, who called my sister who called me tonight to see what was going on. They know about my situation, but I think there were as surprised to see that K has made that chance so publicly.

She did not tell me before she did it, I found out like everyone else. At first I was not thrilled, but then the more I thought about it, maybe it was a good thing. Maybe it is more movement in the right direction. the direction that will get us out of this rut and on the path to a better situation.

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K has a profile on a online dating site. She is talking to someone who she says seems nice. I also think this is progress. While it will be difficult for me to see her move on, I know that she needs to (and deserves to) and I think she will be a lot happier if she can find someone (a straight someone) that will lover her the way she wants, needs and deserves to be loved. It is WAY too soon to know if this guy is the one (she has not met him in person yet) but that is not really important. The important thing is that she has cracked the door open in a way that she was not willing to before.

She told the guy that I still live here and I am gay. It did not scare him off. (at least not yet) Another good sign. On of the things she worried about was that he now has so much baggage that she would not be able to attract a good (straight) man who will love her.

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With all this movement on her part I am starting to realize that I am the one that is stuck. I am so fearful of the great gay unknown that I am not really moving at all. I am sort of adrift. My shrink point that out to me last week. She says I am like a rudderless ship, waiting for K to kick me out of the house. Waiting for life to happen to me.

I guess I have been like that for a long time. How do you break out of that pattern. How do you fix that and make it better. At 41 years old, I think I am starting to realize that if I am not careful my whole life will pass me by and I will be either be stuck or adrift for most of it. As I am quickly reaching the point in my life when there are more days behind me than in front, I need to figure out how to move. Maybe that will be easier for me now that I can see that K will OK and we will still be friends. Even after we are no longer married.

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

"Either you lied to me, to yourself, or both." That's what K said to me this afternoon. She was referring to the promises I made to her 16 years ago when I said I could be her husband and do (and feel) all the things that a husband is supposed to for his wife.

The answer, of course, is both. It's actually more than that, I lied to everyone I have come into contact with over the past 25 years. The fact that I did it with good intentions is beside the point. I still lied.

K told me today that she cannot imagine her life without me. In fact, I cannot imagine my life without her either. The problem, I know in my heart that my life is wrong now. As much as I want to be the man she needs me to me, that I promised to be, I am not that man. I'm gay.

It started as a teen when I refused to be gay. On that day I started the lie. From that moment forward I lied to everyone. My friends, my family, my wife, and most of all myself. For all these years I created a reality for myself (and everyone else) that I was something I wanted to be, but something I wasn't

Now I am in a place where K (and by extension the kids) were subjected to that lie and now they are going to pay the price. I am heartbroken about that.