Saturday, July 30, 2011

Some People Complain too Much

K and I and the kids walked through K and AJ's new house.   The siding was up.  There was insulation in the walls, but there is no drywall.  The gas line for her stove was installed and they had replaced the standard tub with the Jacuzzi tub she has always wanted.  

She was very happy about that.  That is where the happiness ended.

She is upset with AJ and her life.  This is typical of her personality, but I find I have a lot less patience for it than I have had in the past.  

Yesterday was the birthday of AJ's late wife.  He put something on Facebook about it that bothered her.  She is not sure that he is truly over his late wife and she does not like feeling second best.  I can't say I blame her, but she knew this was the situation when she got involved with him.   It's a little like if AJ suddenly decided he has a problem with the relationship K and I still have.  It's too late.

She like to plan things.  He is not a planner.  That bugs her.

Tonight they are going out.  He wants to see the new Harry Potter movie.  She does not.  She did not tell him, but she complained to me.

If I was in her situation, I would be so excited that I would not be able to see straight (no pun intended).  I mean, seriously, she spend last night at his house.  She does that several times in an average week.  If I got to spend a couple of nights a week sleeping next to the man I love, I would be so deliriously happy, that nothing else would matter.

If T and I were building a house together and we were expected to move in together in just over a month, with my kids, I would be... well... I don't even know the words to describe how over the top happy I would be.  It would be as if all my dreams were coming true at the same time.

Yet she complains about stupid stuff.  Things that are not, just so.  Not perfect.

I am facing living in my house alone.  Seeing the man I love a couple of times a week.  Seeing my kid after work for a while, but I will not be there to tuck them in at night, every night.  I have no friends to hang out with.

My prospects are a whole lot bleaker than hers and I am a whole lot happier than she is.

I just can't figure it out.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I Am Churched Out

All this week I have been helping K with Vacation Bible School at the church where she works.  I was able to slip away on Tuesday to visit T, but that was my only night off.  The rest of the time have either been at work, or sleeping.

Tonight was the last night and I am all churched out.

Generally the church people know that K and I am separating, but they do not know why.  I have told the pastor I am gay, but no one else at the church knows.  I am not in a hurry to come out to these people.  Not that I give a shit what these people think about me, K really needs this job and I am sure many of them would try to punish her.

As you might guess, as a gay man in the process of coming out, I am not really comfortable with these churchy people.  I can generally, deal with being there on Sunday morning.  It's only an hour.  This week, I have been there for three and a half hours, 5 days in a row.  That is not a lot of fun.

While I have never been a church going, I think the sense of community that I observed others experience.  I really think that if I could find a church like that, I would enjoy going and being part of the community.   

There are several churches, in the area that are open and affirming to gay couples.  I have often thought I would like to find a church home with T.  We would go together as a couple.  As a family.

One day.

Monday, July 25, 2011


This weekend was a big one for me.  Friday night I came out to my 3 older kids.  My oldest son seemed to take the best.  

On Saturday, me and the kids met T for dinner and a movie.  As T noted in his blog, the kids were completely normal to him and to me.  I was pretty happy about that.

On Sunday morning on the way to church, my oldest son and I talked about the previous night.  He told me it was clear that T likes me.  Later that same day, he suggested that T and I should get a house on a near by lake.

My middle son who was very upset when we told him seemed to be fine the next day.  K said she will wait several days and then talk to him to find out where his head is.

My youngest son was pretty cool too.  He did has not mentioned it again, but I have noticed that he has been a little more clingy than usual over the past several days.

Now I have to talk to my daughter.  I have debated if I need to talk to her at all.  It is possible that she will pick up what she needs kind of through osmosis.  My relationship with T will simply be a fact up life for her.  I am, however, leaning toward talking to her about it.  I think that I just need to put a bookend on this and call it done.

Friday, July 22, 2011

I Did It...

K and I told the 3 boys.  My oldest and the youngest sons seemed to be fine.  My middle son was quite upset.  K thinks he is worried if I am gay, he might be gay too.  We decided to hold off on talking to my daughter.  We were not sure how to tell her in terms she would understand.  We also were not sure we needed to tell her anything.  There was also the fact that we were both too tired to talk to anyone else.

I do not feel the sense of relief I was hoping for.

I'm going to bed.

All I Really Need

** Looking for a BJ tonight.  Come to my hotel

** Wife not giving you what you need?  Come in, unzip and I will take care of you.  

**  Looking for NSA action from hot, young , hung stud.

**  Top looking for hot bottom

**  Bottom looking for hot top

If you take a look though the "Men seeking Men" section of Craigslist and you will see a lot of ads like the ones above.  If you look at any of the gay online dating sites you will see a lot like these too, but Craigslist seem to be the sleaziest.  

There are blogs that some of us read that also talk about various sexual conquests.

Men seem to be drawn into these types of things.  It seems that most of the time these guys just was to get sexual release and they can't see much past the end of their cocks.

I would be lying if I did not admit there was a time when I would have been caught up in that too, but not now.  

Tonight, after a quick dinner at his house T and I went to see the new Harry Potter movie.  He is not really a fan of the Potter series, but he knows that I am so we went with me.

We sat in the back of the IMAX theater, holding hands through the whole movie.  The movie was GREAT and T liked it too.  When it was over, I dropped him off at his house and I headed for home.

We did not have sex.  We did not get naked.  In fact, except for the drive between his house and the theater we were not even alone.  But on my way home, I could not help but feel warm and fuzzy inside. 

Who would have thought that just hold hands at the movies could make me so happy inside?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Of Course, He Loves Me

Through out the day T and I and constantly exchanging text messages.  I like to tell him what I am doing through out the day and I like hearing from him.  I don't know if he likes it or not, but if doesn't, he humors me.

Yesterday I was watching Criss Angle Mindfreak on Netflix with my youngest son.  I sent T a test letting him know what I was doing.  "Tell him" was his reply.  He things I should my son I am gay.  "Not now" I tell him.

Later in the evening, I was cutting my middle son's hair.  He wanted a buzz cut and I have electric trimmers.  "Tell him" was the message I got from T.  "Stop" I tell him back.  He is starting to stress me out.

I did not mean to make him feel bad, but I know I did.  I felt bad about it.  I know he was only looking out for me.  I know that he wants things to go smoothly.  I know he knows that my stress will go away as soon as I tell them.  I know he just wants me to feel better about my situation.

I am lucky.  I have a man who loves me and looks out for me like he does.  I know that he wants things to go well for me and for us.  

If I could only get it through my thick head to listen to his advice, I would probably be better off.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

On A Four Day Delay

K and I had planned to talk to the kids tonight.  Tonight we were going to tell them that I am gay.

But we're not going to.

AJ is on a business trip and K is going to stay at his house with his daughter.  Also she had a meeting at the church where she works.  She had forgotten about that when we agreed to talk to the kids tonight.  

We had a little while tonight when we were all together, but not for very long.  I (and her) think that we should not be rushed and there should be time for the kids to ask questions if they need to.  The next time we will have time to do that is Saturday morning. 

Now I have 4 more days to stress about this.  I was ready today, but I can wait.  I don't want to rush.  There is no benefit to that.

Playful Dog and Longing Sadness

Last we we got a new dog to replace the one who died last month.  We got a 8 month old boxer cross from a shelter.

Tonight, my youngest son (9 years old) came home from playing at a friends house much later than he is usually allowed to be out.  When he came home, he had a quick snack and I sent him up to bed.  But he sat on the couch and asked me to sit next to him.  Normally I would have reminded him of his bed time and I sent him on his way.  But not tonight.  I decided I would sit with for a while.

I sat down on the couch and he laid with his head on my lap.  He pulled my arm around him.  (He said my arm was like a blanket.)  About that time the new dog started rolling around on the floor with his rawhide bone.  We both laughed watching the dog growling at his own tail.  It was a nice moment that I was able to share with my son. 

"You know, before long you will get older and won't want to snuggle with mom and dad anymore." I said.

"I don't see that happening." he replied without thinking about it.

After a more few minutes the dog was finished clowning and my son got up and headed up stairs to bed.  I could not really decide how I felt.  On the one hand, I felt even more boded with my son.  On the other hand, I knew that before too long he would not be here will with all the time and I will not be there for him to cuddle with.

I exchanged a couple text messages with T.  He pinpointed how I was feeling.

"Anxious and a longing sadness"  That was his official diagnosis.  On many levels he is right.  I do not have a constant sadness.  It comes and goes.  I am hoping that when I am in the house by myself, I will not feel that way all the time.

For now I am going back to bed and hoping to sleep.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I Can't Wait to Move!!

"I can't wait to move!"  My youngest son told me this morning.

"I can't wait either." said my oldest son. chimed in.

"Will Mom and AJ move in while we are at camp?" my daughter asked.

If all goes well, K and AJ expect to close on the new house while I am on vacation with the kids.  I don't know if K will actually move while I am gone, but I would not be surprised if I came back to find half the house cleared out.  I don't expect she will take more than she needs and I don't think she will take the things I need.

K has made a point to telling the kids I will be over at the new house a lot.  She has told them I will be there most days after work for dinner and may stay until bed time some days.  That will keep my connection to the kids, and really to her too.

But I am also realizing that I will have a lot of time alone.  It's not that I don't have all kinds of things to do, I do.  It's just that I have not been alone for any length of time, well, really ever.  The closest thing was when I lived in a single room in the dorms in college.  Even then I had lots of friends and fraternity brothers to hang out with.

Overall I don't think it will be so bad.  I don't really know what to expect, but I know it will be an adjustment that is outside my experience.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Happy About the New House

K and I and the kids went to see the house that K and AJ are making an offer buy.  

This was the first time all the kids have seen it.  The house is much bigger the one we live in now.  The kitchen is better.  The rooms are bigger and there are a lot of bathrooms.  The kids were all happy to see their new rooms.

I know they are all happy about their shiny new toy.  I know the kid's excitement is because the house is new and not because they don't care about me anymore but it was hard to hear them talk about living there without me.

I am a little sad, but at the same time I am excited about the new possibilities in store for my life.

In a little while I am leaving to spend the evening with T.  I think a couple of hours in my boyfriend's arms will do me a lot of good.

I wonder what he is making me for dinner?

Happy With Progress...So Far

Yesterday K and I went back to see a therapist we had both seen about a year and a half ago. (Take a look at posts from the second half of December 2009.)  The reason we went was K wanted a second opinion on strategies for talking to the kids about me being gay.  This therapist, lets call her "Trish" is not the fluffy, California type I used to see, but more of a New Jersey, quit-your-whining type.  That style actually worked out pretty well for both of us.

While were were there, we both took some pride in where we were.  The last time we saw her, K had not met AJ and was convinced that she was going to become the Crazy Cat Lady from The Simpson's.  I was in a relationship with T but it was not nearly as stable as it is now.  Today we are in a much different place.  Both of us are.  Her and AJ are making on offer on a house any day.  T and I are talking about long range plans for us too.  All in all, we  are both pretty happy.

The rest of the time we talked about the kids and getting them up to speed.  Neither Trish nor K thought it was going to be as big a deal as I am fearing.  They both reassured me that no matter what, in their eyes, I will always be their dad.  Because I will always be very active in their lives, they think it will be fine.

After the session, I called T and told him what Trish had said.  "Hmmmm...  Where have I heard THAT before?" he asked himself.  I could picture the look on his face.

It seems like this weekend should be the time.  It will give them a chance to think about it some, before I take them all on vacation next month. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Tôi nhớ bạn trai của tôi

Tôi đã có một ngày dài ngày hôm nay. Tôi đã phải làm việc đầu. Tôiđã đi du lịch đến một văn phòng hơn một giờ đi cho một cuộc họpcuối năm. Đó là gần như 8:00 bởi thời gian tôi trở về nhà. Quá muộn để thăm bạn trai của tôi tối nay. Có lẽ tôi sẽ nhận được để xem anh tavào ngày mai thứ Bảy.

Tôi nhớ anh ấy rất nhiều.


I Miss My  Boyfriend

I had a long day today.  I had to work early.  I had to travel to an office over an hour away for a late meeting.  It was almost 8:00 by the time I got home.  Too late to visit my boyfriend tonight.  Maybe I will get to see him tomorrow or Saturday.

I miss him very much.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


I have two really big things I need do to.  Both are very important and both will take a long time. 

I have to lose a bunch of weight.  

About 4 years ago I had lost about 50 pounds.  I still had about 20 pounds left to lose when I reached my lowest weight, but over the past few years I have put all of that weight back on.  (Yes, I really am too fat to be gay.)  I know exactly what to do to lose weight.  I know it is a bug commitment and I know it will be a long hard slog back to fitness, but I know I have to do it.  But it is so hard to get started.  It is so nice to eat yummy things and then say I will go to the gym tomorrow.  I know it is the wrong thing to do but I do it anyway.

I will start eating better tomorrow.

The other thing I need to do is learn some Vietnamese.  T's family do not speak a lot of English in their house.  Especially when his parents are there.   When I was there, his mother went out of her way to make conversation with me in English.  I recognize that was an effort for her.

A long time ago, I asked for, and T bought me the level one Rosetta Stone program for Vietnamese.  I started to go through the program, but then I stopped.  I should work on it a little every night.  I get distracted by other thing at home.  The kids.  Something on TV.  Household chores.  There is always something.  When I think about going back to it, it's always when I am can do anything.  For example, when I am in the car driving to T's house.  Or on my way home from his house.

I know it is something that I have to do.  I know it will be hard, but I am procrastinating.

Just like talking to the kids.  It will be hard.  It will be high risk.  And I am procrastinating on that too.

It is a serious character flaw I need to fix.

Now, I'm going to bed... or maybe later.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

"Thank-you" and "Does This Car Make Me Look Gay?"

This is a bonus 2 part posting.

Part 1:

I wanted to say a quick thank you to the people who commented on my last post.  Of course I have a great deal of stress about coming out to my kids, and your comments have been comforting.

Part 2:
It's late (I just got back from T's house.) but I wanted to ask something.

I drive an old car.  It looks like hell, but it runs pretty good.  I bought it new in 1999 and now 140,000 miles later it does not own me anything.  But it is not going to run forever.  I have been looking at another car. 

I have been looking at the Kia Soul.  I think it's a sporty little car and well within my price range.  I like buying new.  I know the story about it losing resale value as you drive it off the lot, but I don't care about that.  I test to keep cars a long time, so resale is not a factor for me.

The other day I was out with K and the kids and we stopped by the Kia dealer in town and I showed her the car.  My daughter liked it.  My boys did not.  K told me it was a gay car.  

Do you think this car looks gay?  What does that even mean?  Should I care?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Outed... Need to Come Clean.

Yesterday afternoon, I took K and the kids out to lunch.  While we were all happily munching away, K started talking to me in something like code.  It took me a few minutes to figure out what she was talking about.

"AJ's daughter has been doing math and put 1 and 1 together." K told me with all my kids, who do not know I am gay, sitting right there.

"What?  Math?  I thought she had good grades, why is she in summer school?" I asked absently dipping my fries in ketchup. 

"No, dumbass, not that kind of math." 

AJ's daughter has told both K and AJ that she is not really comfortable with me living here with K and the kids.  She is also not comfortable with the close relationship  K and I have.  If you think about it, she knows that K and her father are talking about getting married and buying a house together, what is up with the not-quite-ex-husband living at home.  Compound that with the fact that K and I get along pretty good, you can see why she might be concerned.

Apparently sometime on the trip to Florida a few weeks ago, she put all her observations together and decided that I am gay.  Upon returning home, she told AJ that she is pretty sure I am gay.  The way K explained it to be she was not asking him, but told him.  AJ confirmed that she is correct.

Now that she knows the truth she feels better about my relationship with K.  She also feels more secure about the relationship K and AJ have.

Sound's good, right?  You might think so, but now I am on a tighter deadline than I thought to come out to my kids.

I am planning a trip in August with me and the kids.  I will be going north to visit my family.  K's family as well, but mostly mine.  I will all see members of my extended family.  My aunts, uncles and cousins.  All of whom know I am gay.  My mother told them, with my permission.

My mom thinks I need to tell my kids before we go up there because you never know what people will say.  It will be better if they hear it first from me and K.  

I was thinking that I have a couple more weeks to think about it.  But now that AJ's daughter knows about that accelerates my time line.  She will not be able to keep her mouth shut and in fairness, she should not have to.

I am scared.  The risks are high.  I am not sure what to do, but I need to do something.  I need to do it fast.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Unexpected Surprise

Last night I went to visit T right after work.  We did not have any plans and while every visit with him is nice, I did not expect this one would be much different from other visits.  And at first that was true.

I met him at his house and after he finished some chores we went to dinner.  There is a Thai place we really like.  After eating WAY to much, we headed back toward his house where I expected we would relax on his sofa, watching TV for a while before I had to leave.  But that is not what happened.

He invited me to stay the night.


In the past 3 years he and I have slept together a handful of nights.  Four nights to be exact.  Each of those night have been in hotels while we were on road trips together.  This was the first time he asked me to stay at his house.

It was the first time he looked me in the eye and said, "Let's go to bed, honey."

Another part of my dream has come true.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Talk To Someone?

A while back I wrote about how I sometimes have problems sleeping.  Sometimes I have trouble falling asleep and other times I have problem staying asleep.   I have a prescription sleep aid, but I am afraid to take it.

I think part of my problem is my less than stellar physical fitness state.  I think that if I lost a couple of pounds and spent a little more time on the treadmill, it might get better on it's own.  K thinks I need to talk to someone.  She thinks I have stress.  She has noticed that the start of my problems matched up with the time she has decided to move out and get engaged to AJ.  

I thought about that a little and I am not really sure she is right.  I don't have a lot of stress about her being with AJ.  I really don't.  She has proven to me that we really are best friends and she will not stop being that when she is married to AJ.    When she moves out, things will be different for me, but I think it will be different in a mostly good way. 

There is a place where I do have some stress.  The kids.  The kids will move with K.  I know K would not ever try to keep the kids from me.  More than that, I know I will have unfettered access to them anytime I want it.  (I know your divorce did not work that way, but mine is going to.)  But all that said, I will go from having constant contact with my kids to something else.

Every night I hug and kiss my daughter when I tuck her into bed.  With the exception of the one or two nights I am out with T, I do this without fail.  Once they kids move, I will do that less.  Maybe only once or twice a week.

K had told me that if I wanted to, I can be there every day from the time I get out of work until I go to bed.  On some days I will take her up on that offer, but I doubt I will do it every night.  Despite her assurances that AJ was on board, I would not be surprised if he tired of having me at his house all the time.  Of course, I really don't give a shit what he thinks.  He sure as shit is not going to keep me from my kids.  What's more, I am confident K would not allow that either.

Is that stress causing my sleeplessness?  I don't really think so, but I can't rule it out.  Tonight I am totally exhausted.  I am going to have a couple of beers and that will help me relax.  

Then I am going climb into my bed and look forward to tomorrow night when I will go visit T after work and spend the evening with him.

I can't wait.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


One of the running, inside jokes that T and I have, is that I am not really gay at all.  I am bi-curious.  

Years ago when I was trolling AdultFriendFinder for men to hook up with (with K's permission) I usually listed myself as bisexual or bi-curious.  What a joke.  It was total bull shit, but at the time I believed it.  I just could not get my head around me being gay.  

One of the things that T talks about, and thinks is funny, is the guys online who have been curious for years, even decades.  It's not really funny in a humorous way, but in a ironic sense.   

While I agree there are some people who are truly bisexual, but I think many, of not most, of the people claiming to be bi are not.  They are gay people who cannot admit to themselves the truth.    But there is something about being bisexual that says that I can still live a normal life.  I can still be like everyone else.  But for many of us, it is just not true.

Looking back, my "bisexual" days were dark days.  I am glad they are behind me.  

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Driving Away

Yesterday, K sad that AJ wanted to take her for up to Grandfather Mountain for the day.  She more of a beach girl than a mountain girl, but I encouraged her to go and spend the day with him.  Especially since his daughter was away with friends for the week.

Last night AJ came to pick up K for a sleepover and as there were leaving K told me that AJ wanted to invite the kids to the mountains for the day.  It was OK by me and I told her so.

This morning, I woke up and fed the kids breakfast, got them dressed and made sure they had everything they needed for hiking.  K and AJ showed up, loaded the kids into AJ's car and they drove away.

The kids all waved enthusiastically as they drove away.  This is the first time that K and AJ have take all the kids away and left me alone at home. 

Strangely I do not feel stressed about it... well... not THAT stressed.  There is a twinge of sadness as this is another reminder that things are changing for me.  In the long run, there will be lots of things that the kids will do with K and AJ that I won't be able to.  And on the other side there are things that the kids will do with me and T that K will not go to.

In fact, for her some of that has already happened, sort of.  There were several times last winter when K was away at a tournament that T and I took the kids out of pizza and then a movie.  That is sort of the same thing, expect K was not left home alone, she was basically at work.

So rather than sit here win my loneliness, I think I will pack a bag and hear to the gym.  Then I have a gift certificate for the Jockey store so I may buy myself some new underwear.   Finally, when T is done with work, I will visit him and see if I can talk him into taking me out for a steak dinner.  

Friday, July 1, 2011

No. You're Family

As I expected, I spent a good portion of yesterday running around with T and his sister  (the lesbian sister).  I met them for lunch and then we stopped at a couple of stores.

After returning to his house for a while, we met up with his Realtor who was taking them (T and his sister) to look at some possible investment properties.  After drive around for a while, T invited the Realtor (who is also Vietnamese) to dinner with us.  Then I got to witness the dance Asian people do when a groups of them go out to dinner.  They all want the others to decide where they go to eat and they all want to be the one who pays.  It's really cute to watch.

Then I spoke up to break the stalemate, "I think a steak sounds good."  They all liked that idea then T listed all the steakhouses near his house.  "How about Outback?" I suggested.  They all agreed and then started listing the Outback locations.  

"There is one near The House of Beijing." the Realtor said.  "That's a really good Chinese restaurant." he continued.

"Would you like to go there?" T asked him.  Before I knew it, the plan had changed from the steakhouse I requested, to Chinese.  I was disappointed, but said nothing.

We went back to T's house so we could take his car.  The Realtor in his car would then be able to go home directly after dinner.  While driving over there with T and his sister they said something about the change from the steak to the Chinese place.  They did not think the place we were going was that great.  Since they considered the Realtor a guest, however, they felt they had to do what he wanted to be polite.

"What about me?" I asked. "I'm a guest and I wanted steak."  

"You are not a guest."  T's sister scoffed, glancing over her shoulder toward the back seat where I was sitting.  "You're family."

What did she say?


Now, T and I have told each other that we each consider the other to be family, but this is the first time I have heard it from someone else.

Family, huh?

I liked the sound of that so much, I forgot all about Outback.