Saturday, February 27, 2010

Not A date From Hell, But Close

So I had my date.  It was not the worst way to spend a Saturday night, but I think an evening spent surfing the web for porn might have been better.

He was a nice enough guy I guess, but we definitely did not click.  He had a lot of opinions.  That in and of itself is not a bad thing, in fact it can be a good thing, but most of this opinions were about things he did not like, not many about things he does like.  kind of a downer.

Aside from that he was not physically attractive to me.  He lives by himself and hinted that if I wanted to get some action he would take me home.  I thought about for about 3.2 seconds and changed the subject.  Shortly after that I started looking at my watch a lot.  I spent almost 3 hours with him and it was enough.

I guess online dating is like a box of chocolates.  You never know what you are going to get.

First, First Date

So for the first time in 2 years I am having a first date tonight.  I told T about it and be has encouraged me to go. He says I have to meet people if I am to find someone to love and be my partner.  I told K about it too.  She was indifferent.  The guy I am seeing tonight is Indian (from India).  I seems he was born there, but has lived here for the last 23 years.  K asked me what was wrong with American guys.  "Are you dating the UN?" she asked.  Well there is nothing wrong with American guys, it's just this guy wrote to me first and wanted to meet.  I said yes.  

I am perfectly fine dating people of other races, but I might have make a rule about dating only people born in the US.  I don't have anything against foreign born people, but something came to my attention yesterday that made me think.

I talk to Emerging Identify regularly and lately we have been texting some.  I told him I was taking a class at work and she told me to try to stay awake.  I responded, "It's not easy".  his reply "Being green"

For a moment I was thinking since he is a west coast guy it might be an environmental reference, but then I heard Kermit in my hear singing that song I hears when I was a little kid.  Even thought he never talked to each other until a few months ago and we have never met in person, we shared this thing in common.  I understood the joke he was making because of this commonality.    I did not have that with T.  He did not come to the US until he was about 16 so his experiences growing up were different.  He would not have gotten that joke, or more correctly he would not have made the joke because it was outside his experience.  

I am wondering in my head if that kind of connection is important to me.  Right now, it seems to be, but I don't know.  

Anyway, I was supposed to be writing about my upcoming date.  I don't really want to go.  I know if I want to meet people I have to go out, but I am not sure I'm feeling it.  I am going to go and I will put on a happy face and hope that this guy turns out to be nice.  If nothing else I can make a friend.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Me and God and the Church

As I have mentioned before K works for a Methodist church about 45 min from our house.  She really likes that job.  She likes the people there.  I frequently go with her to Sunday service and other events at church.  The people there are nice and they have been welcoming of her, me and the kids.


They don't know I am gay.  Well, that's not exactly true.  A couple of months ago, K went and talked to the pastor and told him everything about me and the situation we are in.  She is not really ask my permission, but she did tell me about it in advance and I gave her my support.  I figured that if it would make her feel better, then, of course, I would support it.

So she went to talk to him and surprisingly he was not only supportive of her, but also of me.  I see him on Sunday and I think after that talk he actually talks to me more than he did before.  Not a lot, but a little more.  Usually just small talk.

I have never been particularly religions, but I have my faith.  I believe there is a God and I believe in the major tenants of Christianity.  I was raised Roman Catholic, but left the church as soon as I stopped living in my parent's house.  I also believe that "religion" as we understand it today is not a creation of God, but of people.  As a creation of people it is flawed.  

As a gay man I have heard from the Pat Robertsons of the world and the I have a deep mistrust of the people who wrap themselves in Jesus and assume His righteousness.  One of the things I have think about every time I go the to church the people are nice to me is, how I think it will chance if they knew the real me.  Would it really change?  I don't know.

I really believe that God created me and all other gay people to be just the way they are.  I do not know why He did this, and I don't think it matters.  I think God loves me the way I am and he wants me to live the life that he has planned for me.  (Eventually after I figure out all my drama)

So I have decided to reach out to the pastor and talk to him for a while.  K believes that he will be supportive and he will not attempt to change me of tell me I am sinful for being who God made me.  He is willing to talk with me more as long as I want to.  I think this is really nice of him.

This would be the first time I would have had a chance to sit down with a religions professional (well at straight one anyway) and have a talk about my concerns, my fears and the things that have kept me from having the relationship with God that I really want to have.  

I have not made an appointment to see him yet, but I will this weekend.  K is going to send me his e-mail address and I will schedule something in the next few weeks.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Getting Myself Together

About 3 years ago I lost about 50 pounds. I still needed to lose the last 20, but 50 pounds lights and I looked a lot better that I did.  I has gone from a 40 inch waist to 34.  I was going to the gym every morning before work, I could walk up several flights of stairs with out getting winded and I really felt good about myself.   I was at that weight when I met T and he told me how good I looked then.

That was about the time that K and I realized that our marriage was not what we thought it was and all hell started to break loose.  Also my oldest son started going to another school that did not provide a bus, so I had to bring him to school every morning disrupting my gym routine.

In the past 18 months I put 40 of the pounds I lost back on and I look and feel like shit.  I was back up to a 38 inch waist.  I had to do something about it.  Last month I stated reducing, by a lot the amount of food I ate.  As of this morning i have lost a 15 pounds and I think I can get back into 36 inch pants.  

Today after work I stared phase 2, I went to the gym after work.  I did only 30 min on the elliptical machine (see me on the machine here?) but I thought I was going to die.  I have lost all of the endurance I built when I was working out before.  It's very depressing because I worked really hard on that.  Once my workout was done and I was on my drive home, I felt really good about myself.  Glad that I did it.

Now that T is no longer my boyfriend and I have to start looking for another one, this is as good a time as any to start.

It's time to get my life and my body back in order.  I will keep you posted on my progress.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Gotta Move

So I have to move.  I don't me physically change my residence, though I probably need to do that too, but I need to move in my head and I think I am ready, or at least getting closer than I ever have been before.

While I am still attached to T in my head and heart, I think that it is time for me to move on and be happy with his friendship.  If I look around, I may find a guy who I can really love and can be my partner one day.  It might also help me that K would not be so hostile to someone else.  That might also make my life simpler.

K is ready to do something different.  I am ready to do something different.  What?  Well, that is a good question.

I have looked at moving into an apartment, but that would put a big strain on our finances.  It is doable, but it will not be easy.  We need to talk about it more and make a good choice.  

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Out of the Closet and Into the Bathroom

So am I out to the closet?  Kind of.

I am out to my parents and my sister.  Out to K and her family.  Out to a couple of people at work, who are also gay.  Out to T, the blogosphere, and one or two others.  That sound like a lot but it's not everyone.  The hardest one is I am not out to my kids yet.

I am disrupting my whole life so I can live as a gay man, out in the open.  So 2 years ago I jumped out of the closet and now here I stand, locked firmly in the master bathroom.  Too scared to walk out the next door.  Lately I am starting to think that it's really not my fear of hurting K that is keeping me in the bathroom, but my fear of what my life as a gay man will be.  There is a lot that will change forever and that fact that I am not sure what parts will change is more than a little scary.

I signed up for an online dating service I had never heard of before, created a profile and browsed around for a while.  In under an hour I had looked through all the profiles for everyone with in 50 miles of my house and deleted the profile I created.  I think I was not feeling it and it appears that I was not the only one who never heard of that site.  There were not that many people on there, at least not as many as I expected with a good sized city nearby.

Maybe I will check out another tonight.  We'll see.  Can't stop thinking about T.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Emerging My Own Identity

So things are going on the way they have been.  We are moving, very slowly.  I have been looking at small apartments for me or large farms for all of us.  

I talked last night to Emerging Identity.  He helps me keep my perspective.  Sometimes it's like talking to the therapist with out the co-pay.  :-)  Seriously, one of the things he reminded me is that K and I should not make a move before we are ready.  I think that's good advice.  

I have been trying to think about my own identity.  I have been starting to wonder if I know who the real me is. 

K said something to me the other day about me becoming a gay stereotype.  I told her I was not that kind of gay.  She said, "not yet."  She might have only been half kidding, after all, before 2 years ago, I always considered myself bi-sexual. 

I have been hiding my true self from everyone, including myself, who am I really?  As I reflect, I am wondering how much of my personality is nothing more than a well practiced lie.  After all for the 20 years I was in my "bi-sexual" phase, I really believed that's who I was.

I really don't feel like I have changed much over these past couple of years aside from he fact I am not longer scared of people finding out I'm gay.  Now I am just scared of finding out what living as a gay man is all about.

One step at a time.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

When Love Knocks.

I read a lot of blogs.  Lot's of gay men.  Some are struggling to come out like me.  Some are free and clear.  Many of them, not all, are looking for a man they can love and be loved by.  Most of them are unsuccessful.  A few have found love that is less than ideal.

I have been thinking about Chris at "My Journey Out".  His boyfriend... well, I don't if Toronto Chris is a boyfriend or not but you get the idea.  Depending on how you look at them, they may or may not be a good match.  There is a age difference, there is an ambition difference, among others things.  But there is one thing.  They love each other.  While Chris is cynical in his writing style, it is clear he loves TC very much. So what becomes of these mis-matched lovers?  Can they work this out long term? 

That makes me think about T.  I love him very much.  I know he loves me, but we are, in many ways, mis-matched.  He has always known he was gay and never made any attempt to form a relationship with a girl.  That is not to say he was open.  He has only been out for 6 years (he is going to be 43 in April).  He is very attached to his parents and younger sisters.  Some of that is cultural for him.  Some of that is that they were all he had for the many years he was in the closet.  The fact the one of the sisters is a deeply closet lesbian and he feel responsible for her, is the rest of it.  

Then there is me.  Everyone knows my problems.  4 kids, best friend / soon-to-be-ex-wife (who does not like T) not to mention all the demons running around in my head.  But we love each other.  I think about him all the time.  I miss him very much when we are apart.

With all our problems, can this work out long term?  Maybe I should not be worrying about that.  Maybe I need to accept his love and be glad he really loves me and I can love him.  Given the problems many gay men have finding a real love, maybe I am too quick to give his away.  It's not like I am getting any younger.  It will only be more difficult as the years pass by.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Ready to Move ...... Almost

I am still very sad about T.  Yes, I saw it coming, I did not expect it to come so soon.  

In my heart I think I know it is the right thing for me to do.  After all, it is not my fault he has a crazy co-dependent relationship with his family.  It is not out of line for me to want a partner that will want to be will be physically, not just emotionally.  

Now I have this sad and empty feeling.  I wonder if I will find a man that loves me has much as T does.

I doubt it.

In other news, I saw my shrink this morning and she illustrated for my just how screwed up I am.  We were talking about how I need to separate from K.  Since actually moving out is not a good option for me right now, the shrink thinks I should move to sleeping on the couch.  (K and I are still sleeping in the same bed.  Yes, just sleeping)  We have no guest room and there really is no other place for me to go.  Anyway, she thinks I should move to the couch or an air mattress downstairs.  She asked me how that felt.  I think that it would suck, I told her.  "How does it feel in your belly" she asked.  I thought for a while and said that I felt nothing.

"Will you go home and tell K you are sleeping on your air mattress downstairs?"  She asked.

"Well..."  I said, "I have to talk to K and see what she thinks."  The shrink almost slapped her forehead.

I have to make a space for myself.  I have to make that space for both me and her.  I know I have to do it.  It's kind of like how I know I need to eat better, but I usually don't.

Maybe I am just screwed up.

Sunday, February 14, 2010


So it's Valentine's Day and T and I are broken up.

I have not written about this in a while, but T's family situation will not allow him to not allow him to be the partner I want and need.  While I am not ready for that now, one day I will be.  My feeling for him are strong enough that he could have been the guy for me, but I guess it was not to be.

I told him today, what we both already knew.  We had discussed it many times so it was not a surprise to him either.  He lives with his closeted lesbian sister, his elderly parents and another sister (straight).  He will never leave his sister and more he will not live with me, ever.  He thinks that if I really loved him I would stay with him no matter what, even if that means living alone while he lives with his sister.  He does not really want a partner, just a boyfriend.

I told him many times I never wanted to take him away from his family, and I was open to many different options.  All I as is that his face be the last one I see before bed and the first one I see in the morning.  Everything else was negotiable.  That was going to be too much to ask.

He said we can still be friends, and I hope we can.  For the last 2 years he has been a good friend to me, being there for me when no one else was.

I love him very much and I feel very sad.

Feelings Hopeful

After a long stagnant time, I have made some significant progress in my head.  

I sat down with K and her therapist (shrink) Friday and I learned a bunch of things.  Some of them I knew intellectually, but could not really process until now.

1. There is a payoff for me when I am stuck wallowing in my guilt.  While I am feeling guilty I don't have to face the change that is coming.

2. K is ready to move on, but she is not in a big hurry to officially divorce or for me to move out.  She also is convinced that everything is going to work out ok.

3. K believes the feelings I interpret at fear is actually anticipation   Anticipation of living my "true life".

4. K dislikes T much more than I thought.  This is a problem I have to deal with

5. I have to come to terms with the relationship I want and the type of relationship T is willing to have.  Not matter how I feel about him, the likelihood is we are in a terminal relationship.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

(Jimmy Buffett and Matt Betton) 

I bought a cheap watch from a crazy man
Floating down canal
It doesn't use numbers or moving hands
It always just says now
Now you may be thinking that I was had
But this watch is never wrong
And If I have trouble the warranty said
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, we've seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain leaking through the door, tides at war

If a hurricane doesn't leave you dead
It will make you strong
Don't try to explain it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

[Guitar Solo]

And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain buried the 9th Ward to the 2nd floor

According to my watch the time is now
Past is dead and gone
Don't try to shake it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

Don't try to shake it just bow your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On 

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Walking the Road

I have been thinking about my journey and some of the things that T and I talked about last weekend.  He thinks I still have a way to go, but he also thinks that I am making good progress and doing the right things.

He thinks that it is good that I am working hard to be supportive of her and begin there for K as much as I can.  I do that because I want to (she is my best friend) not to mention it is the right thing to do.  I don't expect that I will stop anytime soon.  I expect that I will be much closer to K and most gay men are with their ex-wives.  

This has been one of my goals all long.  Even if I find the perfect partner (whether this is T or not) I doubt I could be happy if I had a hostile relationship with K.  I think I am doing many of the right things.  Of course I am still working on making things better for me and her and the kids.  

K and I are still considering the possibility of houses where we can both live with the kids and each have our own space and lives.  Will that work forever?  Probably not.  I expect I will either commit to T or I will start dating and find a man who can be my partner and i will want to be with him.  I think that sooner or later, K will start dating and I think it will be easy for her to find a man that will love her in the way she wants and deserved.  When that happens, I doubt she (and/or her new man) will really want the gay ex-husband hanging around all the time.

For the time being, I will keep walking the road in the best way I know how.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Feeling Good ... Mostly.

I had a pretty good weekend.  I did a bunch of stuff with K and the kids.  K and I have been getting along really well.

On Saturday, T and I went out.  We had a good time together and talked about a lot of things.  He is a good listener and he has good perspectives, most of the time.  One thing he told me is that I need to stop feeling guilty about my situation.  "Just stop it." he said.  

That is the same thing I have heard from my shrink, from K, from my mother, and from people who have commented here.  Now all I need to do is do it.  It's one thing to know intellectually what to do, it is another to do it in real life.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Getting My Man Fix

I have a date tonight.  T and I are going out.  While we talk every day I have not seen him in person for over a month.  Partly because schedules have not matched up and partly because we have had 2 weekends in a row when the weather was snow and ice making travel dangerous.

I am going to see him tonight.  I don't know what the plan is yet, but I doubt it will be like the picture, as much as I would love that.  It will be good to see him.  Just looking into his eyes fills up my soul and makes me happy.

I am getting my man fix and hopefully that will carry me to the next time I see him.  It will also help remind me that in the arms of a man who loves me is where I truly belong.  

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Moving at Half the Speed of Smell

K and I had a good talk last night.  I reminded her what a good friend she is and how luck I am to have her.  She reminded me she was still pissed at me, but she loved me too.

Then this morning she sent me several Craigslist entries for apartments for rent and then one for a large house with an in-law apartment.  I suppose she is trying to be helpful. There really are 2 K's.  The angry soon-to-be-ex-wife and the best friend.  Of course I don't blame her for having an angry side 

I am moving, but slowly.

I have heard I am over analyzing my situation.  Well of course I am.  It's one of those things I do.  My shrink mentioned that to me too.  We talked about how I have run all the possible scenarios that could possible happen to my in my situation.  It is exhausting, but I have to believe when I finally make the leap off the diving board, I will be ready for what ever happens.  The reality is that it will probably not be as bad as my worst fears, but I;m still scared.

I think I have told a story about how when I was little I walked out to the end of the diving board and was afraid to take the plunge.  Even though I knew I could swim, and I really wanted to jump, there was something inside me that kept me from from jumping.  Of course once I did jump I was not only glad I did, but it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.  I guess this is a the same type of thing, except it's not just me, it's K and 4 minor children who will be effected.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Chasing My Tail

So once more around.

In talking to my therapist (can I call her a shrink?) and she is still pushing me to move out of my home.  She pushed me to visualize what it will be like be on my own.  I don't think I am quite ready for that, just yet.

I know that we will not remain married as we had planned. I am gay, I do not feel about her like I should, even though I love her very much.  But I am too scared to move out on  my own.

She (the shrink) is pushing me to actively find and build a circle of gay friends.  I think this is a good idea, and even K is supportive of this.  There is a problem.  I can't ever get out.  I have a hard time getting out to see T more than once of twice a month, how the hell am I going to find time to make other friends.

I think there will be a lot more tail chasing before I get moving in the right direction.

I did ask if she knew a gay therapist.  She seemed surprised by the question, but she said she would ask around.  I have a theory that talking to someone who is more familiar with my struggle, might be helpful.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Back in Therapy

I am going back to see my therapist tomorrow.  I need her to help me.  Apparently I am the only one I know that has not come to realize that I cannot be a gay man and still be married to K and live a "straight" life.  

I need her to help me move my head into to a place where I can accept the changes in my life.  I need to focus on being a good dad to my kids, be a good friends to K and be true to me.

I need her to help me accept who I am and all the things that go with it.  I think I have a handle on who I am.  I am gay and that is not going to change.

I need her to help me accept that I made the mistake of my life when I "chose" to be straight back when I was in my teens.  I need to accept that that happened and I married a woman.  I cannot change that fact, I can only move on from here.  I hear myself say that (or type that) but I cannot seem to bring myself to accept it and forgive myself.  

Because I cannot move on, it seems no one else can move on either.