Friday, July 31, 2009

Fear of losing

K left to go visit D early this morning. I have some mixed feelings about it.

For a long time K and I have been together and shared everything. In a lot of ways that is slipping away. I suppose that's not really that surprising. I mean, what the hell did I expect she would do once she realized that I do not love her in the same way she loved me. She wants and deserves a straight guy to love her what way a husband should.

Over the years we have developed a closeness that I'm not sure many married couples develop. Even though we no longer have sex we do still share a bed. I still like it when we are laying in bed discussing the events of the day just before going to sleep. I'm not sure I'm ready to give that up, even though I may have to. I think if we remain the best friends I should be able to maintain some of that closeness, but I know it won't be the same. I have a fear of change, so I'm scared just because any change could be bad.

K has a strong faith and she often tells me I just have to trust that what is meant to be happen will. She also strongly believes that everything (no matter how bad) happens for a reason. I'm not sure that I believe it like she does, but I can see how it's comforting to know that everything will unfold as it should.

Long Weekend "Alone"

I will be home "alone" for the weekend. K is going to visit her friend "D" whom I wrote about earlier. He lives about a 1000 miles away. The trip has been planned for a while and she really deserves the break. I put "alone" in quotes because I will be home alone with the kids for the long weekend. I love my kids and they mean everything to me, but I doubt I would cut it as a single parent for more then a couple of days.

Last year not long after I came bursting out of the closet, K thought she might be able to find her happiness with D and she visited him at his home. I won't give any details but the visit did not go as well as she had hoped. At the same time I was facing the prospect of being without my best friend and that scared me.

When she got back we decided we would attempt to stay married and I would essentially put myself back in the closet. "T" told me I was scared of losing my family and was in denial. Of course, he was right. It worked for about 2 weeks.

So this morning (it's just after midnight now) she will fly away to see him. She tells me they have decided to have a nice visit with no expectation, no pressure and see what happens.

D is not a bad guy. K likes him a lot and I trust her judgement. I really don't know him that well, but what I do know is that he genuinely loves her and is "in love" with her. A large part of me would rather see her with a guy who I know really loves her, than see her on the dating scene meeting Mr. Who Knows.

I really hope she has a good time on her trip. If nothing else she really deserves a few days where she does not have to be someone's mother or someone's wife. She can just be K and that may do her a lot of good.

For myself, T will be visiting me and the kids on Sunday and I am really looking forward to that. I also have a few blogs I have been reading to catch up on.

Good night for now.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Feeling alive

Yesterday during K's church's Vacation Bible school, a thunderstorm rolled past the church. The bulk of the storm passed to the south, but we got a lot of wind, lightning, thunder and some rain. We got all the kids inside, but I stood outside to watch the storm.

The wind was blowing in my face so hard some gusts made me almost lose my balance. When the rain came is was not that hard, but I got a little wet. Part of me wanted to go inside, but a larger part of me felt alive in the face of the storm.

It was a good feeling.

You are such a good husband

So far this has been a long week, but something happened that made me think.

K is the Youth Director at a Methodist church not far from our home. She has been working there just short of 6 months. This is the 3rd such job she has had in the past 7 years. K has a very strong faith,but she also strongly feels that God made gay people the way they are and we deserve to be loved just like straight people. But that is not my story for today.

The church is running Vacation Bible School this week for kids in the evening. My kids are there and I went too and offered to help. I have been designated the official photographer. About 35 kids are split up by age group and then participate in various activities. I have been running around taking pictures of everything I saw. Toward the end of the evening I was sitting with K and some of the church ladies when one of them commented, "What a good husband he is." Not knowing I am gay and that K and I already know we are not going to be married much longer.

"Yes, he is." K said looking at me a smiling. Remember we are still best friends who love each other. In fact, if it was not for the fact I "don't like girls" (her words) we would be married forever.

We talked about it after and she confirmed she thinks I'm a good husband. It made me happy and sad at the same time. I am happy she still feels I am good for the family but it reminded me that in a lot of ways I wish I was straight and could be happy living a straight life.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

What is Conflicting Clarity?

Conflicting Clarity. What does that mean?

Over the past year and a half I have been trying to reconcile two seemingly incompatible things. The life I have chosen and the person I am. For the past 15 years I have been the husband of a straight woman, whom I love very much. I have been the father to four children (the youngest of which is 5 today). I love my family and they mean the world to me. I can't imagine a world where my kids are not with me all the time. I can't imagine a world where K and I are not around each other every day. We have been closely connected for a long time and I really would like to keep it that way.

I see very clearly my responsibilities to my family. K made many sacrifices to get us where we are and she has been a rock of support even now that it is clear that our marriage is going to end. When I talk about "responsibilities" I don't want to give the impression that I think of my family as a chore, at least not most of the time. (If you have kids you know what I mean) But there is another part of me I can't ignore any longer.

I really want to be with T. I think about him all the time. It's not just about sex either. I dream about cooking dinner with him, walking in the beach, snuggling by a campfire in the woods. T has been to my house a bunch of times and he is really good with my kids and they like him a lot. I love seeing him with the kids. It really makes me happy. I can see a day in the future when my family includes T and hopefully K and the man that makes her happy.

My love for my family and my desire to be with them is very clear to me. My love for T and my desire to be with him is very clear to me. These things are seemly in conflict and I need to find a way to bring them together.

I am eager to hear from others who are either currently in such a situation or have successfully worked through one. I need some encouragement that it will all work out in the end.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Owning who I am.

It was not easy but over the past few months I have come to own that I am gay. I have become comfortable with it. It's too much to say that I like being gay, but I can see where that feeling may come some day.

It's funny that it was my wife, "K", who finally made me see it and accept it. Maybe she was channeling Dr. Phil, but she told me, "you have to own who you are." it's seems simple enough but it was very hard for me to do. I doubt this is news to any of the other guys who have lived a long time in the closet, but it was hard for me to come out to myself.

It was harder for me to come out to myself than it was to come out to my mother.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I never wanted to be gay.

When I was young I desperately did not want to be gay. I was sure I was not really gay. If I was I was sure I would have known I did not think that I was like gay people. I was not effeminate, I still have trouble matching the colors of my clothes, I wanted to work in theatre, but on the technical side not as an actor. But I had always known I was not like other boys.

My first time I can remember first time I was looking at a male figure in a way that others boys did not. I think I might have been in 5th grade, so I would have been 10 or 11. I was looking in the school dictionary and I noticed a picture of a centaur. The picture in the elementary school level dictionary had a line drawing but the man half had the same lines as a very muscular man. I did not think of myself as gay or really even know what that really meant, but I did know I should not be talking to anyone else about how the picture in the dictionary made me feel.

It has only been about a year since I finally have come to own who I am. I am gay. It's a liberating feeling, that in a lot of ways I wish I had come out to myself a lot earlier in life.

Why can't I be happy with what I have?

This is a question I have been asking myself for over a year now.

I have something that most men would kill for. I am married to a woman who is without a doubt my favorite person in the whole world. I love her very much and she loves me. We have been through a lot together and we have always faced everything just like that, together. We have 4 great kids, and have a house that is modest but comfortable. We have troubles that normal couples have, but we do not fight and really enjoy each others company.

I know a lot on men who would kill for what I have and I know there are a lot of women that might kill for it too. (Not me per se, but the apparent quality of our relationship)

Of course there is one problem. I'm gay and she's straight. When we go out we both look at the same guys. Neither of us is that turned on by boobs and we both like penises.

Like many gay men I have been able to repress my "gay urges" (I really hated typing that) but as I watched by 40th birthday approach, I was less and less able to do that. Like many gay men, I simply could not pretend to be someone I'm not any longer. What I came to understand over the years is that I had gotten so used to pretending to be straight, I got used to it.

I was never in complete denial though. I could not ignore my attraction to men, but I really did not want to be gay. I figured I must be bisexual. I was not dishonest with K. I told her I was bisexual before we got married. I even told her about a relationship I had with another boy in high school. She accepted me and we got married.

Describing my love for K is difficult. It is something I have been struggling with for a year. (there is more to this store I may tell later) suffice it to say that once I came out to K as gay (not bi) she wondered if I ever loved her at all.
I have always loved you and I will always love you, forever. I would say.

Yes, you love me like I love "B" (her best girl-friend since 3rd grade) she would say.

No, it's more like a family love. Deep and strong. You know like identical twins that are extremely close. (Yes I know that sound creepy, but it's not really a sibling love, I was trying to stress the depth of my connection with her.)

Coming out to her as gay and realizing that the marriage we had, that we thought was going to last forever, was not going to after all has been very hard for both of us. We will always be connected, even separate from our shared connection to our children, and I think that is a really good thing. I know exactly how lucky I am. Most women faced with a gay husband are so hurt and angry they can no longer remain friends. I am grateful that will not happen to us.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Starting in the Middle

It seems everyone else who writes one of these things starts at the beginning of their story. I have been reading a lot of them and figured it's time to write one of my own. I don't know if anyone will read it, but if nothing else it will help me get my thought out and if someone wants to put in their 2 cents, I'm glad to hear it.

I am gay.

I told my wife K that I was bisexual before we got married. I told her what I believed at the time was the truth. At the time I found someone I loved and she loved me and I thought I might have a chance at a normal life. We married. Fifteen years and 4 kids later I had a finally come to the realization that I am not bisexual at all but gay.

K and I have talked about this off and on over the years. She even let me explore some of the physical aspects of being with men. She loves me the way I am.

That said, we are not going to stay married. Her and I are best friends. More than best friends, but we have not really been husband and wife for a long time. In the end we each need to be who we are and cannot walk the same path. I think we can walk paths that are parallel, and close by, but not the same path.

I’ll fill in history as time goes by, but for now fast forward to today.


K and I are still living together with the kids and we continue to sleep together (in the sleeping sense not the sex sense).

I have come out to my parents and my sister. I told them just over a year ago and they have been so supporting I have been kicking myself for not coming out when I was 18.

K has told her parents and her sister I’m gay (with my permission). She has also told a handful of her friends. K’s sister has been very supporting and told me on several occasions that I will always be her brother, which has meant a lot more to me than I thought it would.

I have not come out to the kids. Since our living arrangements have not changes I have not seen the point yet. I indent to tell them, but am waiting for the right time

I have been seeing a man for over a year that I have come to love very much. “T” is single, gay and currently lives in a house he owns with his sister (who is a lesbian) and his parents. He comes to my house from time to time. My kids know him as my friend and they like him. I can see making a life with him one day.

K has a friend “D” who is very much in love with her. She met him about the same time 17 years ago she met me. He has always been in love with her and always been a good friend to her. And, as far as I know, he as always been a perfect gentle man toward her. Recently she has considering opening her heart to him. I am confidant K will continue to love me and be my best, best friend. But I am scared about this new person and the impact he will have on my life. (Yes, I know it’s a double standard and I’m working on it.)

I love K very much and the pain this has caused her has been hard on me too. I love my family, not just the people in it, but the family. Unfortunate I have been living a lie in my straight family and I have not been true to myself.

Next I need to find a way to end my marriage without destroying my family. I need to enter life as a gay man. I’m going to put it down here and see what happens.

Thanks for taking a few min to read about me.