Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Starting in the Middle

It seems everyone else who writes one of these things starts at the beginning of their story. I have been reading a lot of them and figured it's time to write one of my own. I don't know if anyone will read it, but if nothing else it will help me get my thought out and if someone wants to put in their 2 cents, I'm glad to hear it.

I am gay.

I told my wife K that I was bisexual before we got married. I told her what I believed at the time was the truth. At the time I found someone I loved and she loved me and I thought I might have a chance at a normal life. We married. Fifteen years and 4 kids later I had a finally come to the realization that I am not bisexual at all but gay.

K and I have talked about this off and on over the years. She even let me explore some of the physical aspects of being with men. She loves me the way I am.

That said, we are not going to stay married. Her and I are best friends. More than best friends, but we have not really been husband and wife for a long time. In the end we each need to be who we are and cannot walk the same path. I think we can walk paths that are parallel, and close by, but not the same path.

I’ll fill in history as time goes by, but for now fast forward to today.


K and I are still living together with the kids and we continue to sleep together (in the sleeping sense not the sex sense).

I have come out to my parents and my sister. I told them just over a year ago and they have been so supporting I have been kicking myself for not coming out when I was 18.

K has told her parents and her sister I’m gay (with my permission). She has also told a handful of her friends. K’s sister has been very supporting and told me on several occasions that I will always be her brother, which has meant a lot more to me than I thought it would.

I have not come out to the kids. Since our living arrangements have not changes I have not seen the point yet. I indent to tell them, but am waiting for the right time

I have been seeing a man for over a year that I have come to love very much. “T” is single, gay and currently lives in a house he owns with his sister (who is a lesbian) and his parents. He comes to my house from time to time. My kids know him as my friend and they like him. I can see making a life with him one day.

K has a friend “D” who is very much in love with her. She met him about the same time 17 years ago she met me. He has always been in love with her and always been a good friend to her. And, as far as I know, he as always been a perfect gentle man toward her. Recently she has considering opening her heart to him. I am confidant K will continue to love me and be my best, best friend. But I am scared about this new person and the impact he will have on my life. (Yes, I know it’s a double standard and I’m working on it.)

I love K very much and the pain this has caused her has been hard on me too. I love my family, not just the people in it, but the family. Unfortunate I have been living a lie in my straight family and I have not been true to myself.

Next I need to find a way to end my marriage without destroying my family. I need to enter life as a gay man. I’m going to put it down here and see what happens.

Thanks for taking a few min to read about me.

1 comment:

Firnzy 86 said...

I'm only 22 but i understand that its hard to live a secret life. Never knowing if keeping it inside is the right thing, and heck, not even knowing if what you're thinking and feeling is real, or kind of, ...Like, someone will say "just tell me what you think about this problem":, whatever it is- and its like "I honestly haven't thought about it before. I myself have demons in my closet that I've never spoken about online. It's very brave of you to do so, even here. To be so open is just amazing. I dunno, perhaps one day when your children are older you could let them see this, and when they're in their 30s or whatever, they might understand you more. I know i'd like to know how my father thinks, and thought about life when he was younger. (He's a cool guy, he just doesn't open up is all).

I know all about lying and all about selfishness, and i gotta say, what you're doing is wonderful. Keep up the good work dude. Cheers from Oz...