Wednesday, September 30, 2009


I feel like my life is unraveling.

God made me gay, but everything else was my choice. K told me that she does not think her life is perfect either, but she has the life she chose (for better or worse) and she is not going to leave it. She said she thinks I am selfish for contemplating leaving the life I chose. If I wanted to be gay (or live as a gay man), I should have thought about that 17 years ago. Of course for me it's not as simple as that, but from her perspective, I can see how it could be that simple.

I have a very thin support system. My family (parents and sister) are supportive but they are far away and really don't know what to tell me. It's not their fault, they have no frame of reference. T is not helpful since he has never had a long term relationship with anyone. I think he means well, but like my family, he does not know what to tell me. I have no other friends who know I am gay, I have no one else to turn to. I could turn to my best friend, but in this case, that is K so that's not going to work.

K has told me there is a "cost" for everything. There is a cost for me to stay married and there is a cost for leaving my marriage and living openly as a gay man. There is benefit for me only is I leave the marriage and there is a cost to everyone else. There is a benefit to everyone else if I stay, and there is cost only to me. If the cost is only to me, maybe I should stay where I am and take care of the family I created. Maybe it does not matter if I am happy or not.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

New Friend

I made a new friend today. He knows who he his. It's too bad he lives so far away from me.

I am grateful I had the chance to talk to him tonight.

He has shown me there is light at the end of the tunnel.


Standing on the Cliff

I am standing on the cliff.

I can see the surf below.

I have seen others jump and come out OK. They seem glad they jumped.

I am standing on the cliff.

I am scared of jumping.

I am scared of what the is at the bottom.

I wonder if the others who jump are scared too.

There are others waiting for me to jump and getting impatient.

I am standing on the cliff.

I can see the surf below.

I know I won't be the same man after I jump.

I don't know what will happen if I leave the safety of the ground.

I cannot turn back.

I cannot jump

I am standing on the cliff.

Monday, September 28, 2009

How do you know something bad won't happen?

Sometimes I walk at lunch. It takes about 30 min one way to a Chinese place that is good and pretty cheap. I will grab food to go, walk back to my office and eat at my desk. I will feeling particularly sorry for myself today and I told K I was going to drown my sorrows in a big pot of Lo Mein. I was half joking and she did not I think was funny. I did get the lo mein, but I got the small order.

She called me and said a lot of things, but there are 2 things that keep echoing in my head.

  1. You are so worried about other people's feelings, you are making everyone miserable.
  2. If you just say what it is you want, the world will not stop spinning. Everyone will be alright.
There is a part of me that is afraid to say that I need to leave my marriage and come out to the world as the gay man I am, because I worry how it will impact the people around me. K, the kids, my family, my friends. Everyone. I worry how it will make them feel and how they will react to me. I suppose when you have been in the closet for as long as I have you are constantly worried about what others think. It's hard to break out of that trap.

I don't know about anyone else's world, but once I say, I need to move on and be me, be gay, my world, as I have known it, will come to an end. Everything I know will change. I don't know that the changes will be all bad, but some of them might be. I feel like the Marlin character in "Finding Nemo" when they are in the whale. That sequence is important because that is where the over protective overly cautious father takes a leap of faith and hopes it will all work out.

Can I take such a leap? K tells me not to worry about her or the kids. They will be fine. They can handle anything that happens. And is it possible that my in action, which in intended to make things better (or at least not bad) is actually making things worse?

Marlin: "How do you know something bad isn't going to happen?"
Dory: "I don't."

Maybe it's time for a leap of faith.


Sunday, September 27, 2009

Daddy! Don't kill them, they're only babies!!

K works on Sunday. It rained at my house last night. My daughter and I went out to see her off. As K backed out of the driveway, we noticed that where the wheels were some bugs had been hiding where the tire treads were. My daughter when to look at them, and I followed. As I approached, she looked up and yelled at me, "Daddy! Don't kill them, they're only babies!"

How cute is that? I texted K what my daughter said.

Last week I was driving to the store with my daughter in the back of the van. It was a nice day and I had the windows open and I hear.

"Daddy, Close the windows."
"Why?, I asked.
"Because it is messing up my beautiful hair."

Did I mention my daughter is 5? I also texted this exchange to K. I do that a lot when cute things happen when she is not there. She does the same for me sometimes.

Anyone with children knows that these are the moments that these are the moments that you remember for a long time. These little moments are what make all the not-so-fun parts of parenting worth while. I will really miss that when I eventually have to leave.

When I got my last cell phone I intentionally got one with a pretty good camera on it. I take A LOT of pictures with it. Especially pictures of the kids. Sometimes, when I take them I wonder if it will be one of the last times we are together as a norman intact family, before I have to go bounding out of the closet and destroy everything.

Maybe I am being something of a drama queen. It's not like I will be moving out of state, probably not even to the next town. Not even really sure I will be leaving at all, but thinking about this makes it all the more stressful.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Happy or content

I have heard that I should not worry about being happy, but shoot for contentment. This is probably good advice, and I probably agree, but it may be why I am still here. While I am not truly able to be myself, I am mostly content where I am. I live my family and K. I mean, if I have a person who is my best friend, and I like being around, isn't that pretty good? What do I think I can find by leaving her and hoping to find a gay guy I can love and who will love me back. There is no guarantee I will find anyone. Hell of a gamble, and I'm not a gambling kind of guy. Maybe being open and honest is overrated and not worth the cost.

Maybe I am content enough where I am.

On the other hand there is K. She is not going to forget that I am gay. She deserved a real (i.e. straight) husband. She deserves to be happy too. She tells me she is not interested in moving on, not interested in finding another man.

Maybe if we just pretend everything is normals and OK, it will be. It worked for the past 16 years. Well, I guess it has not really worked that well has it. If it did, I would not be in this mess would I?

Between a rock and a gay place

There are those that see the silver lining in everything. I don't see it today.

K and I have not been talking much lately. Partly because we have been working opposite schedules, partly because there is not that much to say.

We did talk this morning some. She did not sign up for a roommate, but that what she has. She said the longer "this" goes on, the more irritated she becomes. I think I'm a little better than a roommate, but I knew what she meant.

At that moment my daughter came into the room and started jumping on us. We wrestled for a little while when my youngest son jumped into the mix. There was a lot of tickling, laughing, and fun. I was enjoying that until I started thinking about what it will be like when I live somewhere else, alone. Without my kids. Without my family. Then I felt a rush of depression.

There are several parts that are the root of my reluctance to leave. Me, K and the kids. How do I look at my kids and tell them I can't live there with them anymore? I know that kids are resilient, but it seems that I am not. My kids are not aware anything serious is wrong. K and I do not fight, there is no hostility in our house. We we like being together and sometimes even laughing. When the time comes for me to leave, from their perspective it will seem very sudden. I'm worried they will think I have abandoned them. Or they might think that K sent me away.

I don't know, maybe I'm over thinking it.

Friday, September 25, 2009

At the end of a very long week.

Not much time for blogging this week, but I will probably make up for this weekend. I have been swamped at work, bringing work home every night. It's has totally sucked and I am totally drained. So add being stressed out at work to all my other problems and you can bet I am not that much fun to be around these days.


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

No time for me, or anyone else

I sometimes envy people who know who they are and where they are going. I have been struggling with this for a long time. Yes, I know I am gay, and I have come to terms with that (in my head anyway). I still live what is basically a straight life. Even that sounds funny. I know that being gay is more that just having sex with men, it's about what is going on inside my head. It the attraction I feel for men, it's about wanting to be with men and sharing a life

But I am living a straight life so it's hard to grasp my identity as a gay man. I feel so conflicted. Living between two worlds, but not fully in either one. In an eternal limbo. Who am I? Where do I fit in?

It hard to to figure that all when you have no time. I really don't have time to be writing this but I am addicted to this blogging thing. My job has filled up with a lot of stuff. I have been bringing work home every night. K works every evening and she does not get home until I get the kids to bed. By then we are both tired. We have not had a real talk about anything in a long time.

All I really know is that neither one of is very happy right now.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Getting straight (...sort of...)

I have to talk to T, and soon. I'm not looking forward to it.

Even since I got back from vacation in August, it has been hard for me to talk to him. After disastrous lunch we had on Thursday, it has become more and more clear where I fit into his life. I know I'm a little hypocritical since i put my kids and to a large extent K has been in front of him.

I think this is different because my kids are minors, and his family is all adults. K is not in a position to support herself, and all his family is well educated and highly paid in their jobs.

Aside from all that, I am working out if/how/when to move out of my house and separate from K and my family. There is a lot going on in my head and I have a hard time making time for work, much less anything else.

He feels neglected and I really don't blame him. If I was him, I would feel that way. But I need to get myself straight (in a manner of speaking) before I can be involved with anyone else. Right now my head is such a mess, I can barely tell who I am most days. I need to find out who I am, then, and only then, can I look for a man to share my life with.

It's really a wonder that K is still so good to me, considering the mess I am. She thinks I should have given up on T a long time ago.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Kicking & Screaming

Am I going kicking & screaming?

I think one of the reasons I am so hesitant to leave home is I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone for the first time in my life. I'm scared how my kids will react (first to my leaving and then to me being gay). I'm scared the kids will think I abandoned them. I'm scared about K and how our relationship will evolve (or devolve). In general, I am scared of change, almost any change.

I dislike change in general and this situation amounts to a whole shitload of change.

A couple of weeks ago, K told me that while she wants me to want to stay with her, she said that staying just because I am too scared to leave was the worst reason to stay.

I know I love her & the kids. I know I like being around them, but is the fact I am scared really the reason I stay? I don't much like that. Makes me feel weak.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Church and the persistent cell phone

K works at a church. She is the youth director. She wants to join the church as a member and asked me if I wanted to join too. I was not sure how to respond. The people there have been nice to me, but once they find out that K is married to a fag (or getting divorced from a fag), I doubt they will be as happy to have me around. (I also worry that it might cause problems for K as a church employee.)

I have not told her what I want to do, but she has indicated she will join (with the kids) with or without me. :-( I guess that's what moving on feels like. Other than that, things are moving slowly, but quickly for us. Even though we have made no change in the past few days, we have made more movement in the past 4 weeks than we have in the past 18 months.

I met T for lunch today. I was glad to see him and he was clearly glad to see me, or at least it seemed that way at first. We went to an "On The Boarder" (Their food is just OK, but they have the best salsa!!) Anyway shortly after we ordered he got a work related call. He owns his own business he takes Thursday off, but he sometimes gets calls. The first call was important and he had to take it. it was quick and then over. Then he got another call, his brother. He is Vietnamese and spoke to his brother in his language. They talked for over 10 min while I sat there, finished my lunch, paid the bill and looked out the window. We have not seen each other in over a month and we had just under an hour to be together before I had to go to back to work. What the hell did his brother need that could not have waited 30 min??

There was a semi long walk back to where our cars were parked. I thought it would be a nice chance to walk together and talk. He took another fucking call. This one in English and I did not think it was something that could not have waited 15 min. What the hell???!! I can see where I fit into. So disappointed, I headed back to work. At least the food was good. Should have let him pay the bill. {sigh}

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Conflicting Clarity

I have said this before, but it's on my mind, and that's what this blog thingy it for right?

I love K. I love almost everything about her. She is my soulmate and my best friend. I cannot imagine my life without her in it.

I am gay. Though I spent a lot of years in denial, I have always been gay. I cannot change that I am gay. I hoped it would go away. I even pretended I was not gay. Don't they say fake it until you make it. That didn't work either. Sometimes I long for a man's touch and love so much I can almost taste it.

These thing are crystal clear in my mind. But like matter and anti-matter, they cannot exist at the same time. Well it may not be that bad. K and I have not annihilated each other in a violent explosion. Maybe it's more like oil and water. They can exist side by side quite nicely. They can even be mixed up for a short time, but they always separate out into their parts.

I was up at 4 am thinking about this today. My mind was racing and I just could not go back to sleep. K and I talked about a little this morning. She really is great. She told me I was supposed to be longing for her touch. I told her I wanted to, I just didn't. That was hard to say.

Have you ever has a dream about sex? Not a day dream or a fantasy, but a deep sleep dream. I have them once in a while. Maybe once every other month or so. The are very realistic, they are hot and steamy (no, I am not going to describe them). I have had these dreams off and on since I was a teenager. I usually do not recognize the person in the dream but it is always a man. I'm not sure I have ever had a dream of this nature about a women.

I told K about this, this morning. I don't think I had mentioned to her before today. She did not get angry but did say she was "irritated" with me. Irritated for her is just a couple steps below angry. She did say she did not how I could be happy with her with my desires being what they are.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Circling the drain

I had a pretty good weekend.

We did a lot of family stuff, K the kids and me. We had a good time. I almost forgot I am gay and working toward leaving my marriage. I got a reminder when we took the kids to the county fair. We went to see the demolition derby, (which the kids LOVED!! even my daughter). There were a lot of people there and some of them were good looking guys. I was not staring or anything, I'm too well practiced for that, but I snuck an eyeful when I could. K caught me one time, but said nothing. I think she thought he was good looking too. Anyway it was enough to remind me I am not a straight guy. As much as I love my straight family life, it was another reminder that I am out of place there. That I am just pretending to be normal. It made me a little sad.

K looked at a house today that she could rent. It is smaller than the house we live in now and there would be no room there for me. That made me sad too. When she was telling me about the house she said, "I didn't think you were coming."

It was at that moment I knew I was circling the drain.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

But I don't really want to live with lesbians!!

Several month ago, I was looking for people who were looking for roommates. On Craigslist, I found a lesbian couple that not far from my house that was looking for a roommate. I never contacted them, but I did tell K about it. From that point on, many times when we talked about me moving out, we called it, "living with the lesbians".

We talked about it again last night.

Yesterday I had a stressful day at work and I was feeling very depressed. When K got home she talked to me for a while about my work issues and then I mentioned that my issues at home were also part of the problem.

"If you would just decide what you want to do, that part of your stress would go away." she said. I was not so sure that was true. I don't think living on my own would make things better for me. The truth is aside from K and T I have very few friends. I will be very lonely.

There a several blogs I follow. Most of the guys who have left their marriages have found a way to be happy most of the time. What they all seem to have in common is lots of friends for support. I don't have that. It's not that I am completely without support. Since coming out I have gotten a lot closer to my younger sister (my only sibling) and I talk to her from time to time. She lives 800 miles away, so the support she can offer is limited. My parents are supportive, but my father is in poor health and I really don't want to burden them with my problems.

As supportive as they are, like most straight people, even thought they try, they do not have a frame of reference to give me advice.

The other friends I do have, do not know I'm gay. I don't know how they will react when they find out. It would be one thing if I was 20, but being 40 and having been married for 16 years. I guess that's for another post.

Back to K and the lesbians. As we talked last night I told her that I thought I would be sad a lonely living with lesbians. She told me we could try to find fun lesbians, with a chuckle. I smiled and I'm glad that she is still able to joke about it. She has a friend she was very close to in college and this friend was in the closet in college and is not mostly open. They have lost touch with each other over the years and now thanks to the magic of Facebook they have sort of re-connected. The point is this friend is a lot of fun. I met her several times and she is really a hoot. K thought that maybe I could find lesbians like her.

You are so gay.

I got a call from my oldest son's school today. He threw food at another boy during lunch. The teacher told be the other boy called my son a name and my son responded by throwing food. She did not tell me what the name was. At the time I did not think it mattered, no one should be throwing food in school. (not at home either)

I called K to let her know and she talked about it with my son when he got home from school. Apparently the other boy called him gay.

I have 4 kids. The older 2 are adopted and they good kids but immature for their age. My oldest did not know what "gay" meant. All he knew was that when people use that word, they don't use it in a nice way. He thought is meant stupid or something similar. K explained it to him, and I'm not sure he felt better. "Just because I don't have a girlfriend, does not mean I like boys!!" he said.

The she went on to tell him that being gay was not a bad thing, it's just how some people are. I'm not sure he believed it, but we'll see. Sometimes when he is told things, he need a little while to think about it and then he will come back and ask more questions.

I'm not sure how I feel about all this, but I think it may have added to my discomfort about my own situation.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Making my way

This has been a quiet week so far. Both K and I have been busy at work so we have not had much time to talk in the past couple of days. To make it worse, we are having the house painted, so there is a fair amount to disarray in the house.

Last week T bought a new house. He has a pretty big house now, where he lives with 2 sister and his parents. The new one is even bigger on a larger piece of land. He owns his own business and is pretty successful. Both his sister have high paying professional jobs. I don't begrudge them any of that. They came to the US 30 years ago with not much more than the clothes on their backs, and he and his 7 siblings are all hard working people and they are successful.

I made a joke that it's too bad he did not buy a little townhouse that we could live in down the road. He said if he lived alone he would have. Again reminding me that he will probably never want to be my partner, just my boyfriend. {sigh}.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Are The Trees Thinning?

There might be movement. K might be pushing.

It may sound funny, but when K and I need to have a difficult conversation, we many times turn to technology to get the ball rolling. One of us will write out what we are thinking and then it. Yes, We have known each other almost 20 years and sometimes we have to resort to email to get us talking.

Last night I sent K an e-mail tell her about the despair I have been feeling for a while. I know she has been feeling it to and I also knew she is losing patience with me. I told her that I feel like I am walking in a dark tunnel with no light at the end, it's just endless. All the while there are 2 branches in the tunnel I can take. The one that least back into the closet and a "normal" life and the one leads to and open and honest life, but at a very high cost. It's more complicated than that, but I don't have the time or patience to write it all here. If you have been where I am, you know what I'm talking about anyway.

K has been showing frustration because I cannot tell her what I want to do. The cost of staying married is high to me and the costs of leaving the marriage are high to others (which in turn makes them high for me). I can't commit to either and that is really pissing her off. She sees most things as black & white. There is very little grey in her world, sometimes it's a blessing because it gives her clarity. Sometimes it's a curse because she cannot see the nuance that makes some things more complicated than others.

The reason I wrote the note was not to give her new information, she knew everything I wrote already, but this might have been the first time I put all the thoughts, worries, pros and cons in one place. I wanted her to see all the thoughts swirling in my head, every minute of every day.

I think she got it. She told me that if I forced her to make the decision for me that she would ask me to leave. She said there were a lot of reasons she would do that, but the biggest was she thought that's what I wanted and was just too afraid to tell her and do it. She might be right. Hard to say.

We had a very nice conversation (that did not end in an agreement for me to leave) and then we both went to sleep. Tonight I plan to ask her what her other reasons are. I'm not sure it matters but on almost every other matter in my life, I have relied heavily on her judgement. It makes sense to hear what she thinks about this too. (Damn, if only she was a man.)

We do not have enough money to maintain 2 full households, so either I need to find someone looking for a room mate or I need to find a really cheap 1 br or studio apartment.

I'm not sure I feel great about it, but if I step back, remaining in the marriage really will amount to an extension of limbo for the rest of our lives. If we accept that we have to separate, then at least we have a chance of keeping our friendship on solid footing. Even if I move out, I can still see myself stopping here after work every day. Kids will need homework help, K is a very good cook, and I like to be around them.

I am not out of the woods yet, but it does seem that the trees are starting to thin out.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

God, Church, & the Drive by Sermon

I believe in God, and I like Jesus, but I think organized religion is something created by man (not God) and is generally a load of shit. I am tired of people who beat other people over the head with their Bibles. I know that all religion (or religious people) are not like this, but a lot of them are and the ones who aren't, often don't stand up to their more bigoted brethren. I found nothing in the Bible where Jesus said to try to force others to conform to any set of beliefs.

Living here in the Bible Belt there is no shortage of people pushing their version of God's will in your face. It starts when you arrive at the Charlotte airport. The main road connecting the airport to the interstate is "Billy Graham Parkway".

Lot's of the churches have these signs out front with these little slogans. I'm sure they are everywhere, but I only noticed them once I moved to the south. I usually ignore them, but today these caught my eye. The pictures I made at the "Church sign generator" but the messages were on 2 separate churches I drove past today.

I worry all the time. Especially in the past 18 months since finally coming out to myself, K and my family. You can read back to see all the crap I worry about. One of the things K tells me all the time is that I need to have faith that everything will be OK.

K has a very strong faith. She thinks all things happen for a reason. She has had a lot of crap happen to her in her life and she believes that everything happens for a reason. I'm sure that helps her accept it all. I'm not going to get into any specifics here, but she has told me (and I believe it) that having her husband of 16 years come out of the closet and leave her for a man is not the worst thing that has ever happened in her life.

In a lot of ways I am jealous of her ability to have faith and not worry. As you may know I have been very stressed out by the idea I may have to move out of my house. Maybe these signs were placed to send me a message.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Did not go out.

I did not go out tonight. T was not feeling well, but he probably felt well enough to go out, but I suggested that I did not want to catch whatever he had and pass it around my house. He agreed, but was clearly disappointed. I might have pussed out of the conversations that I knew I did not want to have anyway.

There were some other factors that made me want to just stay home.

I was in a foul mood all day. I'm not sure why, I just was. K was not feeling that happy either. We were having something of a cold war all day. We when to a hot dog sale fund raiser for the church she works at, and then to a local mall. I followed her (with the kids) around the mall as she bought shoes and other items for the kids (nothing for her or me) but it was tense. More more so than usual.

Most of the time we get along really, REALLY well. As an example, Friday night we went out for ice cream with all the kids. We had a good time, all of us. On the ride home K and I were joking about something (I can't even remember what it was about) but I think we both had a good evening.

I spoke to T on the phone later in the evening and he was pleasant enough, but I could tell there was something bothering him that He didn't want to talk about. I never did get him to tell me, but I'm not totally stupid. We have not seen each other in almost a month and I know that is wearing on him.


I am going to see T tonight. My plan is to tell him that I cannot be more than a friend to him. I just can't go on acting like there is a "happily ever after" for us when his choices have removed that possibility. I also cannot live for today always knowing as I get more and more emotionally invested in him that I will eventually face a time when I will have to break it off.

I understand his choices. Though I disagree, they are his choices to make and I love him enough to respect them. He has never has long term relationship and has never really shared his life with someone. I wish I could explain to him the magic that happens when 2 people click. I have tried many times, but failed.

I am not really looking forward to this conversation, but I know we need to have it.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I am a lucky man

There are lot of things in my life I am grateful for. In many ways I am a very lucky guy.

I have a family that loves me. All of them

When I came out to my mother at 39 years old, she did not hesitate to offer her support.

My sister has been supportive too. Oddly enough, I think I talk to her more now than I ever have before.

Even my father, who has always been a little on the cranky side, has been supportive. Last year he had the chance to meet T and still asks about him from time to time.

I have 4 great kids. Not that I play favorites, but my daughter does seem to have a hold on my heart that I was not ready for when she was born.

I have a wife who loves me. Even though we are dealing with a tough situation now, I know she loves me. She wants me to be happy and I want her to be happy too. We really enjoy each other company, we do not fight (maybe a little sometimes, but just a little) and we have a good time when we are together. Many times we are thinking the same thing at the same time. She is my soulmate and I am hers.

I have seen or read about it many times. When the husband comes out of the closet, the wife goes crazy, (and often with good reason). K has not done that. Yes, she has been hurt, and at times, angry, she has never been intentionally mean or done anything to hurt me. In fact quite the opposite has been true. I am a lucky man.

I have some good friends. T has been a REALLY good friend to me thought the hardest of times.

I am not a very religious man. I do believe in God, though not the god of the Jerry Falwell's of the world. I have been blessed in many ways and I am grateful.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

How stupid am I?

T is angry with me. He has a right to be. He had stood with me for a lot and I may not be repaying him very well.

Here are the bullets:
  • I love him and he loves me. We have been seeing each other for about 18 months.
  • I am still married. I am not out to my kids or the general population
  • I can easily see him as my partner long term, maybe forever.
  • Because of his family situation he will not be with me (i.e. live with me, share my life) ever.
  • Even though I am not ready now, he knows this is a deal breaker for me. I can agree to almost any compromise, but I do not want to grow old without my partner by my side, and me by his.
  • He understand that he is making the choices he is and does not blame for for having that be a deal breaker.
  • If we cannot be partners, I very much want to maintain his friendship. He is very important to me.
We have talked about what to do. He told me he does not want to be a "place holder" until I decide I need to find someone else (and he believes once I am on my own I will want to look for someone else). We also talked about keeping on as a dating couple until I need to move on. He figures he will never find someone who wants to date forever, so being a place holder with someone he loves might not be so bad.

I did talk about this with K a few nights ago and her attitude was basically, if you know there is no future there, why would you waste another minute with him as a boyfriend? Good question. She understands I want to maintain his friendship.

During that conversation I mentioned something to the effect of, "I probably need some time on my own to figure myself out anyway." She agreed with that.

Anyway, with my meltdown last Friday, my stress of having realized I will eventually need to move out, and knowing that my boyfriend will never be more than that, I have been having a hard time talking to him. Every day, I call him to say good morning. We exchange text messages throughout out the day and until recently I call him every night. I have not been doing that. For several reasons:

  • I am not fully recovered from my melt down and I don't feel very chatty.
  • I have been bringing a lot of work home and that is taking a good amount of time.
  • The kids started school last week and K is working in the evenings so that leaves me with dinner, homework, bath time and bedtime. (I'm not complaining. It's part of the "dad" gig.)
Combine that with a talk T and I had before my vacation, I just don't feel chatty. All I want to say is, "Fuck your sister!!! If she wants to rot in the closet for ever, that's up to her. Why would you let her choices rob you of your happiness??"

Anyway, there is more, but it's late and my typing fingers are tired. For tonight he is mad we are not talking as much. I don't blame him, but I really am not sure what to do.

At least part of me thinks I am stupid for not hanging on to a man who really loves me with both hands, even if it means I will have to be by myself a lot. The rest of me thinks I would be miserable and I deserve a real partner.

Work and more

I work for a large company. This is the Sony building. I don't work for Sony,

Anyway, the politics of working for a large company is a major pain in the ass and I do not so office politics very well. I have no patience for it and I'm not good at it. My job has become more difficult lately. I have a bunch of aggressive deadlines and I have been bringing work home a lot. I hate it, but sometimes you just have to.

Lucky for me, tonight it not one of these nights. I was pretty productive at work and I have taken the night off. I'm going to catch up on the Blogs I read and I was going to write a little on mine.

There has been no movement between K and I on the gay front. We have not had much time to talk about anything. She works in the evening and by the time she gets home we each have a little time to prepare for tomorrow and then go to bed. I hate to say we are just roommates, but it seems we have been living that way for a long time.

We each have our own laptop and many nights we sit together on the kitchen table and separately do our own thing, while chatting about the events of the day. I know that sound mundane, but when it comes time for me to move out, it is one of the things I will miss... a lot. Of course it's not the picture of what an in love married couple should be like together.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


I had a crappy day at work. I want a hug and I'm not going to get it.