Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Unraveling


I feel like my life is unraveling.

God made me gay, but everything else was my choice. K told me that she does not think her life is perfect either, but she has the life she chose (for better or worse) and she is not going to leave it. She said she thinks I am selfish for contemplating leaving the life I chose. If I wanted to be gay (or live as a gay man), I should have thought about that 17 years ago. Of course for me it's not as simple as that, but from her perspective, I can see how it could be that simple.

I have a very thin support system. My family (parents and sister) are supportive but they are far away and really don't know what to tell me. It's not their fault, they have no frame of reference. T is not helpful since he has never had a long term relationship with anyone. I think he means well, but like my family, he does not know what to tell me. I have no other friends who know I am gay, I have no one else to turn to. I could turn to my best friend, but in this case, that is K so that's not going to work.

K has told me there is a "cost" for everything. There is a cost for me to stay married and there is a cost for leaving my marriage and living openly as a gay man. There is benefit for me only is I leave the marriage and there is a cost to everyone else. There is a benefit to everyone else if I stay, and there is cost only to me. If the cost is only to me, maybe I should stay where I am and take care of the family I created. Maybe it does not matter if I am happy or not.


3 comments:

Brent said...

I don't want to influence you. You have to make the choices that work for you. But I came to the realization that I get one shot at this life...no do-overs. I have one shot at living my life the way I want to. Sure getting married may not have been the best way to to this, but I got two great kids out of it. It's all part of life and life isn't always clean and happy and easy. Sometimes it's messy, sad and very often difficult, but it is YOUR life, the only one you get. Do what's best for you without hurting others purposefully. I know that seems difficult, but people will grow and if they love you they will support you.
Sorry to ramble, this is as much for you as it is for me.

manxxman said...

Sorry to say, but you will continue to unravel.....and it will get more painful the longer you stay.

Brent is right, you only have one life.....no do-overs.

You're standing on that cliff, you actually know what you need to do.

Anonymous said...

You do a really good job of voicing some of the thoughts/feelings that I (and probably a lot of other guys) can identify with. When I hear you say it, however, I have to ask is it really that stark. Are the costs to others of your leaving equivalent to the cost to you of your staying? What about short term costs vs long term costs. If you stay with K, the kids grow and leave, will both of you be 'content'? Or is short term pain, adjustment, and growth better?