Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I have guy coming to my house this afternoon who I met on Craigslist.  No, I am not looking for a hook-up while T is at work.  I am looking for a roommate who will help me pay for my house.

I am not thrilled about it, frankly.

Three months ago, I had worked out a plan with K so that when she moved out with the kids, I would have enough money to keep the house on my own.  There would also be enough to cover a good child support payment and even a little saving to put in the bank.  When I lost my job, back in September, more than 2 months ago, and just 2 weeks after K moved out, everything changed.

I had hoped I would get a job quickly, before the severance I got ran out.  No such luck.  I had several interviews, but no offers.  I worked in a fairly specialized role, which is making is more difficult for me.

Now I am on the path of school.  As of yesterday morning, I have all the classes that I need for the spring semester.  I still need to work this into an "approved" plan with the underemployment people so I can keep getting that help and they won't make me look for jobs at the same time.

So now I have to get a roommate to save my house.  I wonder if it will be someone I will like.  I guess I don't really care, since I am gone all the time.  I don't need to be friends with a roommate, but it would be nice to be friendly anyway.


UPDATE:  The guy called and canceled.  I guess I should be glad he called.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Why Bother To Get Dressed

I actually like being naked.  I tend to sleep with as little clothing as possible.  Not for any sexual reason.  I tend to roll around a lot in my sleep and I just don't like the way pajamas will twist and bind under the covers.  Frankly, I don't know how anyone can sleep with all that clothing on.

The most I ever wear to bed is underwear (I prefer mid length boxer briefs, if you MUST know).  Generally a nylon/spandex blend.  I don't like cotton.  They twist and bind like pajamas would.  While I prefer to sleep nude, I got in the habit of the skivies because for years you never know when the late night sound of little kid vomit would make you have to spring into action.  There is never time to get dressed at a time like that.

Now that I am living alone, I am back to sleeping in the nude.  Again, not for a sexual reason, I just like it better.

But there is something else I have noticed.  Sometimes I don't get dressed right away.  The laundry room is downstairs and I am not always the best about bring the clean clothes up to the bedroom.  After a shower, I sometimes go downstairs sans towel and pick through the laundry bucket for the clothes of the day.

As the days have gone on, I find that I have been delaying getting dressed longer and longer.  

Just today for example.  Before my shower I decided that I wanted some coffee.  I didn't see the need to get all dressed, I just went down stairs and started to make the coffee.  While it was brewing, put away the dishes that ran in the dishwasher last night.  When the coffee was ready, I sat down at the kitchen table to write this blog entry about being naked, well, naked.

It's a good thing I live alone, because I do NOT look like the guy in the picture and no one else would want to see it.

I guess it's one of those things that change when you live alone.

If you are living alone, do you take the time to dress right away after you get out of bed or the shower, or do you spend some time each day walking around the house in your birthday suit?

Choices and Choosing

My last post got a lot of attention and a lot of comments that I believe were well intentioned.

I have some additional thoughts:

1.  From the very first time I met him, T explained his family situation.  He has been upfront and consistent though our entire relationship.  There was nothing new in my post from yesterday, expect my growing frustration with my situation (not his).

2.  For most of our relationship, especially early on, it was me that had limited time to be with him.  The complication on my time was my wife and, to a lesser extent, my kids.  Today his work is the major consumer of his time.  The point is, that he did not complain too much even when it could be a month of more between times when I would see him.

3.  While I have always known about his family situation, it does not mean I agree with it.  I have specific thought about it that I have shared with T.   I am not going to get it to that here.  It is his personal situation and I am not going to get into it any further than I already have.  I will probably not mention it again here.

4. I want to be with T more than anything.  I really do.  But it is not as simple as that.  If T asked me to move into his house with him tomorrow, would I go?  I would like to say 100% yes.  I could be pack by the end of the day.  But is that the reality?  Maybe not.   I have my kids to think about. T lived a hour away and I as much as I love him, it would not be easy to be that far from my kids.  It would not be easy at all.  

5.  I do not know what the future holds for T and I.  T and I do not have a typical relationship, even among gay people.  Even if we lived together tomorrow, I know that we might only see each other at night just before bed.  (I for one would be OK with that).  

6.  Will the day come at some day when I will have to stay good bye to T and look for someone else?  I suppose it could happen at some point, but I am no where near ready for that.  I am deeply on love with T and I do not see that on the horizon.  I will not consider that until I am sure that there is nothing else to be done and we are really at some sort of a stale-mate.  But we are not there.  There is much that can be done and is being done to move things forward.  I think there had been a lot of movement in his family in even the past couple of months.

At the end of the day, will his family accept me living there with him.  I don't know, but we are working on it.  I believe in my heart, we will get there, sooner or later.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Where To Find Happiness

T has written some interesting stuff on his blog lately.  If you want to know more about him take a look.  The one he wrote today, I think I need to talk about.  (You can read it here.)

One thing I want to make clear.  T totally made me gay.  I was completely in love with my wife, until T put his homo spell on me and made me fall in love with him.

OK... Well, that may not be really true.  But T really is the reason K and I finally realized what had been wrong with our marriage for a long time.  We realized I am not "bi" but gay.  I realized when I fell in love with him, what "in love" felt like.  At almost 40 years old, I had not really experienced it before.  

I think if I had not met T, K and I would still be living in our house, together with the kids and we would be totally miserable.

I have written about this many times before and you can go back and read it for yourself, but K and I had been having problems for a while and we could not quite figure out what it was.  T provided the light that (eventually) led me out of the closet.


Many years while K and I were together, even the years before I met T, I was lonely a lot of the time.  She was gone a lot for her job on nights and weekends leaving me alone with the kids.  I didn't much like it, but it gave me time to think about things.  It gave me time to realize how lonely I was.  I gave time to dream about what a relationship with a man might be like.  

At that time, I was dreaming about a relationship with a man.  I did not know who this man was.  I did not know what he looked like.  I did not know if there even was such a man.  It was just any man.  The fantasy man.

The funny thing is, I imagined life with this fantasy man was very much like the life I had with K.  It was regular things that regular couple do all the time.  Shop.  Cook.  Yard work.  Sleep. Talk about work. Have sex.  Play with the kids.  In many of my dreams, I simply replaced K with the man and went on with life.

So, do I want a man who will be with me all the time?  Who will be my partner in everything?  Who will be by my side every night when I close my eyes?  

Of course, the answer is yes.  I want that more than anything in the world.

Now the harder questions.  Do I want it with any man?  The answer to that depends on when you ask it.  If you asked me 4 years ago, before I met T, then answer would have been yes.  I would have dated men, hoping to find the one that was right and could be the partner that I want him to be.  If you ask me today, the question is harder and simpler to answer.

When I first met T, I was instantly attracted to him.  (I took this picture of him on our first date.  See how HOT he his?)

He told me about his family situation and it did not bother me at the time because I had no intention of ever leaving my wife for a man.  Remember, at the time I was not gay, but "bi".  When I met T, the best I was hoping for was friends with benefits.  I did not expect to fall in love with him.  Besides, falling in love was strictly against the rules that K and I had established when she let me explore my sexual desires.

But I did fall in love and that was the beginning of the end our marriage.  Today, she is getting ready to marry a straight man who is in love with her the way that she deserves.  I think, in the end, it worked out quite nicely for her.

Me?  I am alone in my house and I hate it.  I do not like being alone.  I do not like sleeping alone.  I do not like grocery shopping for myself.  I do not like watching TV alone.  I do not like cooking for just me.  I do not like having no one to talk to when I get into bed, before I drift off to sleep.

I love being in love with T.

Once I broke up with T to pursue a man who lived far away, but was willing to move to my state and live with me.  He could have been the partner I always dreamed of.  This is all in the blog too, you can read about it as it unfolded (look at April and May of 2010).  What I learned during that trip is that I don't want a man.  Well, I don't want just any man.  I want the man I am in love with.  I want T.

He is the man I want to make my life with.  Am I happy we cannot be together all the time?  No.  Can I live with it for now?  Yes.  I have to.  Sometimes T and I talk about it.  Sometimes it is not very nice either.  But, in the end, we are always united by our love.

It is not easy for me.  It is not easy to be second or third place behind his mother and sister.  I think it is not really fair sometimes.  After all, his sister is an adult who can make her own choices.  If she chooses to stay in the closet and be lonely then, that is her choice.  It should not impact me as I am looking for my happiness.  But my happiness is with T, so it does impact me.

There are sometimes when I think that T could go a little further.  His parents were on a trip a while back.  I was home alone and I invited him to come a stay the night.  He refused because he did not want to leave his sisters alone.  I was furious.  He could not bare leave them alone for one night, but he didn't mind leaving me alone.  What the hell was that?  I mean it was only one night.

What he did do, was invite me to stay with him.  I immediately accepted and I spent the night in his bed, in his house.  That was fine with me.  I did not have to be alone with him, (his sisters were their respective rooms) all I need was to be with him.

The truth is, I understand his commitment to his family.  I don't always agree with it, but I understand it.  He does work hard to get them to accept our relationship.  I wish they would do more to meet him half way and accept our relationship, much like they accept the relationship of his married, straight siblings.

So what do I envision for our relationship.  He has his family and I have my kids.  (No, it is not the same.  His family are all adults.  My kids are small and need their daddy.)  We each have commitments that are important to us.

He has never tried to take me away from my kids and I would never try to take him away from his family.   What I would like is more of a meeting in the middle.  What does that look like?

I don't know, and the truth is, I don't care.  I would accept almost any compromise that leads to T and I sleeping side my side every night.  

I do not have to have T all to myself.  I would love to have him and I live together in our own little house somewhere, just he and I.  I know that will never happen, so what's next best?

I would happily accept an invitation to move in with him in his current house.  I would be happy to live there with his sisters and his parents.  Would it be ideal? Of course not, but I think it would be a good compromise.

At the end of the day, I want to be together with T.  I want us to share a home.  Share a life.  Not over the phone where we tell each other about our day, but where we experience our day together.  I know that deep down T wants this too.

I think his family has moved a long way in accepting me and my relationship with T.  I think they have moved a lot in just the past couple of months.  The question is will they move enough to allow us to be together.  To allow us to be together like his married brothers and sisters.

I don't know the answer to that. 

That scares me.

What I do know is, I do not want to find my happiness with anyone else.  I am in love with T and that is not going to change, regardless of our living arrangements.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I am going to get part of my dream to come true today.  Those who have been following me for a while know that I have certain visions that mean success.  I have written before about one of them.  Thanksgiving dinner.  K and I talked about the ideal outcome of our transition and spending Thanksgiving dinner together as a new family.  With T and K and AJ, my kids,  all sitting down together go give thanks for all the good things in our lives.

My reality is not going quiet as well.  K knew what time I had to leave to have dinner with T and his family.  I am not sure she did it intentionally, but she dragged her feet on getting her turkey in the oven so I am very close to having to choose between having Thanksgiving dinner with my kids or my boyfriend.  I could have easily had both if she had not taken so long.  Fortunately, I told K, T's family was eating at 6:00, when they are actually eating at 7:00.  That will save me today.

Am I upset about it?  Not really.  After all, most of what I have been dreaming about is going to come true. K and I still have a really good relationship, even though we are officially divorced. (There really has been no change). I am thankful for that.  A negative relationship would be bad for me, but it would also make it much harder for the kids.

I am thankful.  I am thankful I have been able to transition from frustrated closeted gay who was terrified to be who he really is, to being comfortable gay dad with a boyfriend henis deeply (and openly) in love with.  I am thankful my kids have taken the transition with little or no negative impact.  I am VERY thankful I have found a man who loves me in spite of all my faults and flaws.  I am not so thankful I don't have a job, but I am thankful that I have a good direction and support to help me get there.

I am thankful for this blog, the people who read it, and especially the people who comment to offer their love and support.

All and all I have a pretty good life.  I know there are a lot of people who have it WAY worse than me. I also know I am on a good path and things will only get better.  I'm thankful for that too.

Movie Night

Yesterday the kid were off from school.  I spent a good chunk of the day making treats I will bring to T's house later this afternoon.  My daughter chose to hang out with me while I did that.  We watch a movie together.  We watched "Spy Kids 4"

I get movies from the Redbox quite a bit for the kids.  It's cheap and it makes them happy.  But I rarely watch the movies myself.  Tonight after I put everyone to bed, I decided that I would have a movie night too.

I like movies but I don't really like watching them alone.  Since, I am alone at home, I have to make changes in my thinking, right?  So, one of the movies the kids wanted was the new "Conan the Barbarian".  I figured a long haired, muscular guy with his shirt off for an hour and a half should be OK.  Even if the plot is no good, the eye candy should make up for it, right?

I made some popcorn.  I poured a diet A&W root beer and I settled on my couch for the show.

It was OK.  I mean, the movie was fine, but I still did not like being there alone watching.  I was wishing T was there with me.  Even watching with my older boys or K would have been better than watching alone.

I will be writing a more upbeat, Thanksgiving post later today, but for now I needed to get this out.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Absolute Divorce & Thanksgiving

I told you that last Monday was the official court date when K and I would be officially divorced.  I was told by my lawyer that it happened as planned, but until today I could not prove it.  I got the official paperwork today.  So now it is done.  I need to go back and update the header on the blog to reflect my new single status.  (Except I am not really single, am I)


Thanksgiving is coming up and this will be different from years past.  Lat year, you may remember, I was home with the kids and K was on a cruise with AJ.  My parents were here with me and the kids.

This year I am divorced.  I talked to my mother this afternoon and I think she was worried that I might be spending Thanksgiving alone.  I am actually going to be having a busier holiday than usual.  

I will be going to K's house in the first half of the day.  She is roasting a turkey in the oven and AJ is deep frying an second one.  K has planned to eat in the early afternoon.

After that, I will be going to T's house.  I am not sure what they will be having, but I understand that his family does not really like turkey.  I am actually, looking forward for to dinner there.  It will be a big surprise for me.   I'm sure whatever it is, it will be good.

This will be the first holiday that T and I will spend together.  Well, at least part of it.  I think the day will be special and I am really looking forward to it.

I wonder if T will wear my favorite apron.

Friday, November 18, 2011

In The Dark Days

The strength of a relationship, in my view, is not how much fun you have together.  It's not how much sex you have.  It's not how many vacations you take together.  It's not how things play out in the good times.  Any two people can get together and stay together when everything is good.  When everyone is happy and there is no stress, relationships can appear to flourish.

During the time that K and I were married, we had many good times.  We also had many bad times.  If I look at the strength of our relationship today, I really believe it is the bond that was forged by going through the bad time together that really binds us today.  It is why we will continue to have a strong bond forever despite all that has happened in the past three and a half years.

T and I met 3 years, 7 months and 19 days ago.  In that time I have:

  • come out to my wife
  • come out to my parents and sister
  • come out to K's parents and family
  • broke up with T 4 or 5 times
  • decided to end my marriage
  • decided to re-commit to my marriage
  • decided to end my marriage
  • worked for an orderly end of my marriage (this took a long time)
  • almost started seeing someone else
  • lost my job
  • saw my kids move out of my house
  • enrolled in school full time
All the while, T was there for me.  At every step, even the points where we broke up, he was there for me.  He always has been a phone call away with the calm and steady perspective.

But the point is, he has been together with me the whole time.  I know that sooner of later we will be together in the way I dream about.  It will not happen anytime soon, but I know it will happen.  When it does, we will have forged the kind of bond that will last forever.  The type of bond can only be forged by dealing with the bad times together.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Despair, Depression and Hope

I'm full.

I can't take anymore.

I mean it now.  I really am at my limit.

This is the final.  This is the very, very last straw.

I really, REALLY need to have a few things go my way for a change. 


Today is T's day off.  By "day off" I mean his office is closed.  He does, however, have to work.  He recently converted to an new computer system and he has a back log of work he has to get through.  He uses Thursdays and Sundays to catch up.

I was not originally planning to go see him today.  I knew he had a lot of work to do and I had some stuff to do at home anyway, so we agreed that I would not come.  Once I got up this morning and after puttering around my house alone for a while, I decided, I did not want to be home alone all day.  I sent T a text to see if he wanted me to come.  At first he was not sure he wanted me to come, but I promised to make it worth his while (if you know what I mean) and he quickly changed his mind.

I got there and he was hard at work.  I brought my Blackberry Playbook tablet with me and I went online and complete the paperwork so I can get some student loans.  The loans are and back up plan, on the off chance I don't get the job I interviewed for on Tuesday.  Since that interview went so well, I was all but assured I got the job.  When lunch time arrived he asked me to go to Vietnamese place not far from his office and bring food back.  He wrote a couple of things down on a paper (in Vietnamese) and sent me on my way.  

I got to the place and handed the guy behind the counter a note.  He glanced at the note, then at me, then back at the note, then back at me.

"I don't have any idea what it says.  I was just told to pick it up." I told him.  I could tell he was giggling to himself as he punched the keys on the register.  

"$23.48.  About 10 minutes." he said as he turned his back on me and went into the kitchen.  I could hear laughter erupting as I sat down to wait.  

As I usually do when I have time to kill, I pull out my Blackberry to check my e-mail and surf the web.  E-mail first.  I scanned through the list and one jumped out at me.  It was from the company just interviewed with.  The subject line:  "Regrets"

Just great...

I'm not sure why I opened the message.  I knew what it said. We enjoyed to talking to you.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Please feel free to apply for other opening.  Good luck on your job search.

How could this have happened?  I bought a new suit for Christ's sake!!  I gave them all the right answers.  Achieving business results.  Changing behavior.  Building relationships.  Supporting change initiatives.    Blah, Blah, Blah...

This was the last interview I had.  I have lot's of resumes out, but I have not gotten any more calls for interviews.  I have not seen anything new come on line in my field in weeks.

So there I am, sitting by myself in a Vietnamese restaurant reading the news that I did not get a job I was sure I was going to get.  It was all I could do not to break down and cry, right there in front of everyone.  My sanity is teetering on the edge these days anyway, and this might just be the things to push me over the edge.

It seemed like it was taking forever for the food.  I sent a text to T telling him.  I sent one to K and my mother too.  I updated Facebook saying I could not handle any more rejection.  It was awful.  I just wanted to be held so I could cry as all the hope drained out of my body.

I got the food and went back to T's office.  He asked if I was OK and I said no.  We went back the the lunchroom, we were alone in the office.  We ate mostly in silence.  I ate, but kept stirring my food with my chop sticks.  When we were done, I went to collect my stuff, it was time for me to go.  I sat down and started to pack my computer in the bag.  He came over and sat next to me and hugged me.  At that point, I started to cry.  I simply could not hold back the tears any longer.

He did not let me cry for long, before he started bringing me back to reality.  He started asking me about my budget, my expenses and how much I will be getting from unemployment.  We wrote it all down and it seems that it will be very close, but I will be able to survive while I go to school.  Sadly, there won't be any money for the hi-tech toys I like  (at least I will be able to keep the ones I have) but I will survive.

By the time I left his office, I was feeling a little better.  I would like to say a lot better, but I was not.  At least I was no longer panicked and there was hope I will not end up sleeping in my car.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Business Travel

I had a job interview today.  It was a field based management position for a southeastern grocery store chain.  The job would include supporting a large geographic area and it would require about 60% travel.  The interview went really well and I think I have a good chance at getting the job.

I used to have a job with my last employer that was about 20% travel. It was not a lot, but it was enough to know that business travel is not as glamours as some people think.  When I was traveling, i went to a lot of cities:  Boston, Los Angeles, Dallas, Chicago, Nashville, Toronto, Kansas City, and the list goes on and on.  Each of these trips had a similar rhythm.

1. Get to the local airport way too early.
2. Fly to the city of the day
3. Rent a car
4. Drive to the hotel
5. Drive to office or store
6. Drive back to hotel
7. Repeat 4 - 7
8. Drive to airport
9. Arrive at home airport very late
10. Get home after midnight

You never have time to sight-see in these cities.  If you are lucky, someone will direct you to a good place to eat so you can avoid the restaurant chains.  When you get home you are always beat.

When I was traveling before, no matter how bad the trip was, I was always coming home to people who loved me.  K and kids were waiting for me and they were glad to see me.  It always amazed me how fast my kids hugs could erase the memory of endless hours in airports.

If I get this job, the travel rhythm will be similar but the frequency will be more.  I think I can live with that.  There is one thing that will be different, tough.  When I come home, I will come home to an empty house.  There will be no one there to greet me.  No hugs to wash away the stress of the trip. No one will be glad I'm home.  This will make it harder, for sure.

In a way, I am jealous of both K and T.  Both have family they come home to each night.  Both have people waiting for them who are glad to see them.  T's mom has dinner on the table when he gets home from work most days.  He sits down with his parents and sisters and together they decompress from the day.  When K gets home from school, she is greeted by our kids.  AJ is home shortly after her and that all sit down for dinner together.

I come home to an empty house with only the fish to greet me.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

18 years, 2 Months, 17 days

At some point tomorrow, a judge will end the marriage K and I entered into 18 years, 2 months, and 17 days ago.  We do not have to be there, so I don't know when it will actually happen, but it will happen. 

I am feeling a certain measure of sadness about it.  No, I have not changed my mind.  No, I am not having doubts that it is the right things to do.  Yes, I think that K should be free to marry AJ if she wanted to.  Yes, I think that I should be free marry T some day when we are ready.

That said, I am feeling a little of a sense of failure.  Many of the feelings I had during the past three and a half years are coming back to me now.   You would think, at this point in the process this would just be a matter of paperwork.  It would be nothing more than a transaction. 

But strangely it's not.  

I wonder if it is bothering me because every time I see K these days all she talks about it the wedding and the plans for it?  What the hell did I expect?  I mean it's not like I did not see this coming.  It's is on her mind and as her gay BFF I need to be happy for her, right?

I truth I am.  I am happy that AJ makes her happy in a way that I never could.  I am also happy that I make T happy in a way that I could not make K happy.  I also have not lost sight of how happy T makes me.  It was only last night that we was sleeping in my bed and I was in heaven.

Anyway, I know this will pass soon.  I hope it does anyway.  I have a shitload of other stress in my life right now and I just do not have time for all of them.  The other stresses are making me more vulnerable to these feeling that should have been put to bed a long time ago.


I also need to say at this point that T really is being a rock for me.  I think that right now, he is the one constant in my very changeable life.  He is always there to reassure me and I love him even more for that.

Two Love Songs

Last week T and I agreed that he would come to my house tonight and we would spend the evening together.  I had assumed I would make dinner for us, we would eat at home and then snuggle up to watch a movie.  There might even be a little ______  if we are both lucky.

Yesterday, I was out at the store and I asked him what he wanted me to make.  I figured I would pick up the ingredients while I was there.  He told me not to worry about it and we would go to the store together and buy, "whatever we like".  Spontaneous.  I like it.

He arrived at the house and, after a proper greeting (wink, wink), we headed out to the store.  He wanted some good bread and some lobster bisque, but after that we were really flying blind.  

We took his car and he was playing a CD with some old Vietnamese music.  He explained that songs were written and recorded when Vietnam had been in various states for war for decades.  I could not understand the words, but he explained they were sad songs that all reflected the war and it effects on people.  Then he started singing along.  T has a wonderful voice.  I have heard him sing before, but he does not sing for me often.  I love hearing him sing.  It made it better because I knew he was singing to me about love.  (On the other hand, he may also have been singing about sending me off to war.)

We got to the store, got the things we wanted, and headed back to my house.

I baked the bread nice and crispy the way he likes it.  I heated the lobster bisque and we sat at my table for a nice dinner.  I was happy beyond words.

When dinner was over we went up to my room snuggled under the covers and watched some TV.  As we were laying there, he dozed off.  I didn't notice he was asleep at first, until I noticed a change in his breathing.  Then, as he slept, he started singing the second song of the evening. 

I knew he would be leaving soon, but I would have given anything to extend that moment for the rest of our lives.  

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Mundane Crisis

I got a comment on my last posing.

"This blog is degenerating into the mundane. Perhaps the crisis in your life has passed".

While I take some issue with the word, "degenerating" I think Mr. Anonymous is correct in assessing the crisis in my life is over.  Or at least the worst of it.  I don't, however, think that my story is over.

When I read that comment, it actually played into a thought I had before.  Now that K and I have resolved our situation, is there really anything else to write about?  Now that T and I are secure in our relationship, is there anything left to talk about?  

After thinking on it for a while today, I think that do have more to say.  Even though that I am moving into a new chapter in my life, I think there is more.  I still need a place to write down and share my thoughts. 

On Monday, K and I will no longer be married.  On December 10, K and AJ will get married.  T and I are going to the wedding with my kids.  That is enough stuff to write about for the next month.  After that, I am still a gay dad that is getting find my place in the gay world, and the rest of the world.  

That is the next chapter in my life.  That will be the next chapter in my blogging.  I need to write about it.  I need to talk about it.  I have always said that I write only for myself anyway.  I do it so I can sort out my thoughts and explore my feelings.  If people actually ready what I write, that's great.  I know that I have helped some people by telling my story.  If I am able to continue to help, so much the better.

I will continue.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Memories Bring You Home

Sometimes you find old memories of home in the most unlikely places.

Tonight I went to T's house for dinner and to hang out with him.  (I am writing this while sitting on his bed.  No, we are not naked).  I arrived, as I often do, just at the start of dinner.  I sat down and T showed me how to assemble the meal.  It started with a slice of bread, then some fish sauce and saut├ęd scallion in oil.  The on the top was ground pork cooked with onion and what I think was some rice.  It all came together in an open faced sandwich.

I was very good, but there was something about the pork that was familiar.

One of the reasons I like eating at T's house is that everything is new and different to me.  It is an adventure of new tastes.  I also like that T is there to show me the right way to eat everything. I think it is cute that his parents worry that I will be able to eat their food.

But today was a little different.  Even through the fish sauce, I could taste to pork and it reminded me of home.  The pork mixture was very similar to the filling of a pork pie that my grandmother, and my mother used to make.  I am comfortable eating with T's family, but today it was even more.

I thought how flavors and food really have a strong pull on my memory.  Tonight, even though his house is not my home, I felt at home.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

How It Could Be Less Awful

I spent most of the day with K and the kids, but this (pictured above) is what I was thinking about most of the day.

I got up early and headed to K's house to meet up with her and the kids where we went off to church.  After church we all went to lunch and then to the mall to get some school shoes for the little kids.  Basically it was a nightmare.  K was stressed out and cranky.  The kids were cranky and most of the time they made her crankier.  

All the time I was thinking about T.  I was thinking about my man and how much I wished he was with me.  All the madness would have been more bearable if he was there with me.  

One of the things I have noticed lately is how I have been thinking about him.  Every time I do anything I think about how it would be better, more fun, less awful, if I was doing it with T.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Ten Days and a Murky Future

In ten days my divorce will be final.  K has opened a bank account in her name alone and she is asking me about taking her name of the 2 joint accounts we have.  It turns out it is a lot easier to close those accounts rather than change them.  K think she wishes there was an easy way for me to take her name off the house too.

Again, another indication of the change that is ongoing.  

Here is another thing.  Tomorrow we have an appointment at church to get our picture taken for the church directory.  Actually we have 2 appointments.  One for her and the kids to be listed at her address and another one for me at my address.  I am not really thrilled about that, me being in the directory all by myself with K surrounded by the kids.  Sigh.  I guess it was inevitable, after all, I am single now, right?

I am living my life one day at a time right now.  I have hear some people say that is a good thing to do.  I don't think so.  I think you have to have a vision for the future.  You have to know where you are going or there is really no point in getting out of bed in the morning.  Right now, I have no clear destination.  I don't know if I will have a job or if I am going back to school.  I don't know if I will keep my house and live alone or with a roommate.  I am not even sure that I will keep my house at all.  Even if I get a job and can afford the house, do I really need a 4 bedroom house for just me?  

Living one day a time is really taking a toll on me.  I am trying to stay positive most of the time, but it's harder and harder all the time.

On another note, I have heard from several readers recently, both in comments and through direct e-mail that they have found this blog to be helpful for them.  The example of K and I has given them hope that they can have a positive relationship once the stress of coming out is past.  I makes me feel good that people that I can be helpful.  Other blogs were so helpful for me when I was in the "dark days".  I am glad for the chance to pay it forward.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Italians and Vietnamese

When I was a junior in college I dated a girl from a very Italian family.  Her parents names were Florence and Rio, how Italian is that??

Her family did not live that far from mine and I was easily able to see her during school breaks and if we went home for the weekend.  When I went over there, there was one activity that I was required to participate in.  Eating.  That what they do in that house.  I'm not complaining, her mom was a really good cook and everything was always fantastic.  

I remember one time I visited.  When I arrived her father was in his garage working on something and I was hanging out in the kitchen.  He walked in to the house and saw me there.

Rio: Hey. When did you get here?
Me: Hi.  About 10 minutes ago.
Rio: Did you get something to eat?
Me: No thanks, I'm not hungry.
Rio: Are you sick?
Me: No.
Rio: Florence!  Get this boy something to eat (as he walked out of the room). 

Tonight I went to see T.  I met him at his office just after 8:00.  We hung out at his office for more than an hour while he finished up some work.  While I would prefer he focus all his attention on me, but I understand he is swamped and has stuff he has to get done.

I knew it would be late when we left his office so before I left home, so I ate dinner with my kids.  When we finally got back to his house it was pushing 10:00.  T and his family were starving and they were snacking even as the table was being set.

I got offered things a few times and I politely refused saying I had already eaten.  As I perched on a stool at the breakfast bar with a class of ice water, T's mom spoke to me in her broken, but understandable English.

T's mom: Jim!  Do you want something to eat?
Me: No Thank you.  I ate with the kids before I left.
T's mom:  What time?
Me: Around 6:00.
T's mom:  It's 10:00 now. 
Me: I guess I could have a snack

So I sat down at the table and sampled most of the stuff on the table, including a Vietnamese squash soup.  I did not try the blood sausage, but I tried most everything else.

I had a good time.  I don't know what they are talking about much of the time, but they switched over to English enough that I was able to follow along sometimes.  T was rubbing my leg with his foot under the table and I was happy to be there.