Despair, Depression and Hope

I'm full.


I can't take anymore.


I mean it now.  I really am at my limit.


This is the final.  This is the very, very last straw.


I really, REALLY need to have a few things go my way for a change. 


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Today is T's day off.  By "day off" I mean his office is closed.  He does, however, have to work.  He recently converted to an new computer system and he has a back log of work he has to get through.  He uses Thursdays and Sundays to catch up.


I was not originally planning to go see him today.  I knew he had a lot of work to do and I had some stuff to do at home anyway, so we agreed that I would not come.  Once I got up this morning and after puttering around my house alone for a while, I decided, I did not want to be home alone all day.  I sent T a text to see if he wanted me to come.  At first he was not sure he wanted me to come, but I promised to make it worth his while (if you know what I mean) and he quickly changed his mind.


I got there and he was hard at work.  I brought my Blackberry Playbook tablet with me and I went online and complete the paperwork so I can get some student loans.  The loans are and back up plan, on the off chance I don't get the job I interviewed for on Tuesday.  Since that interview went so well, I was all but assured I got the job.  When lunch time arrived he asked me to go to Vietnamese place not far from his office and bring food back.  He wrote a couple of things down on a paper (in Vietnamese) and sent me on my way.  

I got to the place and handed the guy behind the counter a note.  He glanced at the note, then at me, then back at the note, then back at me.


"I don't have any idea what it says.  I was just told to pick it up." I told him.  I could tell he was giggling to himself as he punched the keys on the register.  


"$23.48.  About 10 minutes." he said as he turned his back on me and went into the kitchen.  I could hear laughter erupting as I sat down to wait.  


As I usually do when I have time to kill, I pull out my Blackberry to check my e-mail and surf the web.  E-mail first.  I scanned through the list and one jumped out at me.  It was from the company just interviewed with.  The subject line:  "Regrets"


Just great...


I'm not sure why I opened the message.  I knew what it said. We enjoyed to talking to you.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Please feel free to apply for other opening.  Good luck on your job search.


How could this have happened?  I bought a new suit for Christ's sake!!  I gave them all the right answers.  Achieving business results.  Changing behavior.  Building relationships.  Supporting change initiatives.    Blah, Blah, Blah...


This was the last interview I had.  I have lot's of resumes out, but I have not gotten any more calls for interviews.  I have not seen anything new come on line in my field in weeks.


So there I am, sitting by myself in a Vietnamese restaurant reading the news that I did not get a job I was sure I was going to get.  It was all I could do not to break down and cry, right there in front of everyone.  My sanity is teetering on the edge these days anyway, and this might just be the things to push me over the edge.


It seemed like it was taking forever for the food.  I sent a text to T telling him.  I sent one to K and my mother too.  I updated Facebook saying I could not handle any more rejection.  It was awful.  I just wanted to be held so I could cry as all the hope drained out of my body.

I got the food and went back to T's office.  He asked if I was OK and I said no.  We went back the the lunchroom, we were alone in the office.  We ate mostly in silence.  I ate, but kept stirring my food with my chop sticks.  When we were done, I went to collect my stuff, it was time for me to go.  I sat down and started to pack my computer in the bag.  He came over and sat next to me and hugged me.  At that point, I started to cry.  I simply could not hold back the tears any longer.


He did not let me cry for long, before he started bringing me back to reality.  He started asking me about my budget, my expenses and how much I will be getting from unemployment.  We wrote it all down and it seems that it will be very close, but I will be able to survive while I go to school.  Sadly, there won't be any money for the hi-tech toys I like  (at least I will be able to keep the ones I have) but I will survive.


By the time I left his office, I was feeling a little better.  I would like to say a lot better, but I was not.  At least I was no longer panicked and there was hope I will not end up sleeping in my car.