Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Choices and Choosing

My last post got a lot of attention and a lot of comments that I believe were well intentioned.

I have some additional thoughts:

1.  From the very first time I met him, T explained his family situation.  He has been upfront and consistent though our entire relationship.  There was nothing new in my post from yesterday, expect my growing frustration with my situation (not his).

2.  For most of our relationship, especially early on, it was me that had limited time to be with him.  The complication on my time was my wife and, to a lesser extent, my kids.  Today his work is the major consumer of his time.  The point is, that he did not complain too much even when it could be a month of more between times when I would see him.

3.  While I have always known about his family situation, it does not mean I agree with it.  I have specific thought about it that I have shared with T.   I am not going to get it to that here.  It is his personal situation and I am not going to get into it any further than I already have.  I will probably not mention it again here.

4. I want to be with T more than anything.  I really do.  But it is not as simple as that.  If T asked me to move into his house with him tomorrow, would I go?  I would like to say 100% yes.  I could be pack by the end of the day.  But is that the reality?  Maybe not.   I have my kids to think about. T lived a hour away and I as much as I love him, it would not be easy to be that far from my kids.  It would not be easy at all.  

5.  I do not know what the future holds for T and I.  T and I do not have a typical relationship, even among gay people.  Even if we lived together tomorrow, I know that we might only see each other at night just before bed.  (I for one would be OK with that).  

6.  Will the day come at some day when I will have to stay good bye to T and look for someone else?  I suppose it could happen at some point, but I am no where near ready for that.  I am deeply on love with T and I do not see that on the horizon.  I will not consider that until I am sure that there is nothing else to be done and we are really at some sort of a stale-mate.  But we are not there.  There is much that can be done and is being done to move things forward.  I think there had been a lot of movement in his family in even the past couple of months.

At the end of the day, will his family accept me living there with him.  I don't know, but we are working on it.  I believe in my heart, we will get there, sooner or later.


savon said...

I read your last few posts and am frankly surprised and disappointed that so many of your readers are critical of T. To my mind, T has been NOTHING but a supportive and understanding partner. Good God, what do these people want? T comes from a culture that places great importance on family and concepts like duty. Is that so difficult to understand?
A lot of these guys (I'm not talking about you, Jim) married and deceived their wives, they cheated and lied. Yet you nsupport and make all manner of excuses for them. You blame the "culture" for not allowing them to admit their gayness. You seem to have no trouble understanding THAT cultural imperative but you can't seem to cut T any slack for a much more ingrained cultural tradition of duty and honoring ones family. It kind of makes me sick that you would be critical of a guy that has done so much for so many. Shame on you

TwoLives said...

Savon - I honestly don't know if your comment was directed to me or not. I wasn't being critical of T but he, and perhaps you, perceived it that way. I posted another comment as a reply to T on the previous post "Where to find Happiness."

savon said...

No, Two Lives, it wasn't your comment taken alone but the totality of the comments. I understand you all supporting each other. But, IMO, T faces as many or more challenges than most of the married guys I read about. Everyone is willing to excuse or explain their every failing and their lack of courage but don't seem to understand this one good man's conflict with the place is family and culture have in his life. How many men would have understood Jim's struggle? How many of you guys would have stood by Jim while he tried to make his marriage work? Would take a back seat to his kids..without complaint or question? Don't you think the seriousness with which he takes his commitments aren't qualities that Jim will be able to count on during their life together?
Rather than viewing the strength of his devotion to his family as a negative, I'd suggest it is just the opposite and indicates the he's someone who can be counted on and trusted. Qualities that are lacking in far too many relationships as it is.

jim said...

How many guys would have stood by me? None. Which is part if the reason I am standing by him.