At some point tomorrow, a judge will end the marriage K and I entered into 18 years, 2 months, and 17 days ago. We do not have to be there, so I don't know when it will actually happen, but it will happen.
I am feeling a certain measure of sadness about it. No, I have not changed my mind. No, I am not having doubts that it is the right things to do. Yes, I think that K should be free to marry AJ if she wanted to. Yes, I think that I should be free marry T some day when we are ready.
That said, I am feeling a little of a sense of failure. Many of the feelings I had during the past three and a half years are coming back to me now. You would think, at this point in the process this would just be a matter of paperwork. It would be nothing more than a transaction.
But strangely it's not.
I wonder if it is bothering me because every time I see K these days all she talks about it the wedding and the plans for it? What the hell did I expect? I mean it's not like I did not see this coming. It's is on her mind and as her gay BFF I need to be happy for her, right?
I truth I am. I am happy that AJ makes her happy in a way that I never could. I am also happy that I make T happy in a way that I could not make K happy. I also have not lost sight of how happy T makes me. It was only last night that we was sleeping in my bed and I was in heaven.
Anyway, I know this will pass soon. I hope it does anyway. I have a shitload of other stress in my life right now and I just do not have time for all of them. The other stresses are making me more vulnerable to these feeling that should have been put to bed a long time ago.
I also need to say at this point that T really is being a rock for me. I think that right now, he is the one constant in my very changeable life. He is always there to reassure me and I love him even more for that.
I am gay man in his 40's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman, who is still my very best friend. We have 4 children together. She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids.
Cast of Characters
Jim: That's me
K: The wonderful woman I married in 1993. We divorced in November 2011, and she is still my best friend.
T: My ex-boyfriend. We were together from 2008 to 2013. He is still an important person in my life.
AJ: K's new husband. They got married December 2011.
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