Sunday, November 13, 2011

18 years, 2 Months, 17 days

At some point tomorrow, a judge will end the marriage K and I entered into 18 years, 2 months, and 17 days ago.  We do not have to be there, so I don't know when it will actually happen, but it will happen. 

I am feeling a certain measure of sadness about it.  No, I have not changed my mind.  No, I am not having doubts that it is the right things to do.  Yes, I think that K should be free to marry AJ if she wanted to.  Yes, I think that I should be free marry T some day when we are ready.

That said, I am feeling a little of a sense of failure.  Many of the feelings I had during the past three and a half years are coming back to me now.   You would think, at this point in the process this would just be a matter of paperwork.  It would be nothing more than a transaction. 

But strangely it's not.  

I wonder if it is bothering me because every time I see K these days all she talks about it the wedding and the plans for it?  What the hell did I expect?  I mean it's not like I did not see this coming.  It's is on her mind and as her gay BFF I need to be happy for her, right?

I truth I am.  I am happy that AJ makes her happy in a way that I never could.  I am also happy that I make T happy in a way that I could not make K happy.  I also have not lost sight of how happy T makes me.  It was only last night that we was sleeping in my bed and I was in heaven.

Anyway, I know this will pass soon.  I hope it does anyway.  I have a shitload of other stress in my life right now and I just do not have time for all of them.  The other stresses are making me more vulnerable to these feeling that should have been put to bed a long time ago.


I also need to say at this point that T really is being a rock for me.  I think that right now, he is the one constant in my very changeable life.  He is always there to reassure me and I love him even more for that.


Biki said...

I think that what you're feeling is quite normal when a marriage comes to an end. You and K were married a very long time, with a vibrant history of children and leaky roofs, broken fan belts, and all the normal wee things a marriage seems to be made up of. So, allow yourself to feel blue for a bit, and then you'll be up on top again, happy as usual.

And yes, you found a real winner their in your T, tell him so often.

JustAMike said...

I remember feeling like a failure too. My good friends assured me that I was not - for some reason I believed them. I certainly don't feel like one now. I look around me and see that 80% or more of the ppl I interact with daily are on their second marriage. Not sure that statistic is reason to celebrate though. We joke that everyone needs a "starter marriage". Looks like yours and mine (19 yrs) lasted a long time for starters!

You are certainly not a failure - you have great kids and a great bf. Those are signs of you succeeding!

My colleagues at work want to have a divorce ceremony/celebration for me. Might not impress K so perhaps not the right idea for you.

All the best!

Java said...

I'd be surprised if you *didn't* feel some sadness about the end of your marriage. Even under the circumstances. Future anniversaries of the ex marriage might put you in a bit of a funk, too, for a few years. All normal.

So now that you are officially divorced how do you feel? I send my congratulations and condolences all at once, because both are appropriate.