At some point tomorrow, a judge will end the marriage K and I entered into 18 years, 2 months, and 17 days ago. We do not have to be there, so I don't know when it will actually happen, but it will happen.
I am feeling a certain measure of sadness about it. No, I have not changed my mind. No, I am not having doubts that it is the right things to do. Yes, I think that K should be free to marry AJ if she wanted to. Yes, I think that I should be free marry T some day when we are ready.
That said, I am feeling a little of a sense of failure. Many of the feelings I had during the past three and a half years are coming back to me now. You would think, at this point in the process this would just be a matter of paperwork. It would be nothing more than a transaction.
But strangely it's not.
I wonder if it is bothering me because every time I see K these days all she talks about it the wedding and the plans for it? What the hell did I expect? I mean it's not like I did not see this coming. It's is on her mind and as her gay BFF I need to be happy for her, right?
I truth I am. I am happy that AJ makes her happy in a way that I never could. I am also happy that I make T happy in a way that I could not make K happy. I also have not lost sight of how happy T makes me. It was only last night that we was sleeping in my bed and I was in heaven.
Anyway, I know this will pass soon. I hope it does anyway. I have a shitload of other stress in my life right now and I just do not have time for all of them. The other stresses are making me more vulnerable to these feeling that should have been put to bed a long time ago.
Sigh.
I also need to say at this point that T really is being a rock for me. I think that right now, he is the one constant in my very changeable life. He is always there to reassure me and I love him even more for that.
3 comments:
I think that what you're feeling is quite normal when a marriage comes to an end. You and K were married a very long time, with a vibrant history of children and leaky roofs, broken fan belts, and all the normal wee things a marriage seems to be made up of. So, allow yourself to feel blue for a bit, and then you'll be up on top again, happy as usual.
And yes, you found a real winner their in your T, tell him so often.
I remember feeling like a failure too. My good friends assured me that I was not - for some reason I believed them. I certainly don't feel like one now. I look around me and see that 80% or more of the ppl I interact with daily are on their second marriage. Not sure that statistic is reason to celebrate though. We joke that everyone needs a "starter marriage". Looks like yours and mine (19 yrs) lasted a long time for starters!
You are certainly not a failure - you have great kids and a great bf. Those are signs of you succeeding!
My colleagues at work want to have a divorce ceremony/celebration for me. Might not impress K so perhaps not the right idea for you.
All the best!
I'd be surprised if you *didn't* feel some sadness about the end of your marriage. Even under the circumstances. Future anniversaries of the ex marriage might put you in a bit of a funk, too, for a few years. All normal.
So now that you are officially divorced how do you feel? I send my congratulations and condolences all at once, because both are appropriate.
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