Sunday, August 29, 2010

Love is in the Air

K and I talked were talking about her feelings for AJ.  She has been internally conflicted for a while now.  It seems her heart is in love but her heard is still cautious about getting hurt.  Who can blame her.  This morning she things she is ready to tell him how she feels.  Up to now, they have both agreed that they are "in serious like" with each other.  Now she is ready to take the next step.  She is a little unsure of what to tell him and when.  She does not think that it will freak him out, but she does not want to put any pressure on him and make things uncomfortable.  She also told me that when they had their alone time the other night he was "curling her toes".  I asked if she noticed a big difference between him and me sexually.  She took the round about to tell me but the answer was yes.  He is more into it.  I was not surprised by that answer, after all I am gay.  While sex with her was always fun, I did sometimes find myself doing things I did not really enjoy, just because I knew she would like it. AJ does not have that hang up since he is straight.

I thought about this for a while.  How would most men react to hearing that their wife of 17 years is falling in love with another man?  And that sex is better?  Not like I am, I'll bet.  I think it's great.  Yes, there is a little part of me that thinks it's hard to let go, but only a little. I think that it's good for her that she is in love.  I think that it's great that AJ is making her happy physically too.  

This helps me too.  It clears up a lot of the guilt feelings I have about coming out and being true to who I am.  Could I have faked my way thought the next 30 years?  Sure, but it would have been a lot worse.

Last night, I went back and read some my my posting from a year ago.  Most of the things I was worried about, never happened.  I guess I should have listened to K back then.  I should have listened to T back then.  I should have listened to my therapist back then.

This is sounding like a trend.

For me, T and I are planning a trip this coming weekend.  I will pick him up around noon on Saturday when he is out of work until Monday afternoon.  I will have 48 uninterrupted hours with him.  I can hardly stand to wait.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Happy About Divorce...?

Exactly 17 years ago, (to the hour as I write this) K and I boarded the MS Celebration in preparation for our wedding.  We actually for married at 2:00 in the afternoon on board the ship. (No, the ships Capitan did not do it.)

Tonight I will be home alone with the kids and K will be going out with AJ and some other friends.  Anniversary all but ignored.

K and I talked about my desire to some how mark the day.  She wondered if Hallmark make a Happy-Anniversary-Sorry-About-The-Divorce card.  I didn't think so.

17 years ago the plan was that we would spend the rest of our lives together.  We entered into an unbreakable bond that would last forever and beyond.  She was deeply in love and I thought I was too.  I was deeply in denial about my gay-ness.  I loved her deeply and I thought that's what "in love" felt like.

Seventeen years later we are just waiting to fill out the paperwork of a divorce.  I have come to terms with being a gay man.  I know now that I spent a lot of time pretending to be someone else and it not only hurt me, but it hurt K too.  For years she spent unhappy because I was not the man that she wanted, even thought outwardly, we had a near perfect relationship.

She has a new boyfriend and so do I.  She is starting to come alive in a way that I have not seen in a long time.  She is happier and laughs more now than she has in a long time.  Four years ago she told me that she felt like she was part of the furniture.  She did not think I loved her like I used to.   She was depressed and tired all the time.  She did not take joy in things that she used to like.  She used to have goals, and would work to achieve them, but she stopped.  She put on a lot of weight.  Today she is losing weight and the change in her is noticeable.   She is taking classes

I have found myself.  My journey is not complete, but I know where I am going.   Am I happier?  Yes and no.  I am glad that I am now free to be who I am, but at the same time I did have the same dreams about living my whole life with one person from my mid 20's to my mid 90's.  Now I have to make new dreams.  

So am I happy about the divorce?  Not exactly, but I see now how the marriage was based on something that was not real.  No matter how much K and I love each other and how much we support each other, it was just not right. I love her enough to know that she deserves a straight man that will give her the passion she needs.  I also know that I deserve to feel the passion in my heart that I only only found in the arms of a Vietnamese doctor.  

Because K and I are still best friends I am able to keep our relationship.  I am able to stay close to my kids and keep their life basically unchanged (at least for now).

For most of 17 years K and I walked the same path and now that is not possible.  Our paths will separate, and for now, they will remain parallel.  Close enough so we will be always in touch, but separate enough so we can each find out separate happiness.

Friday, August 27, 2010

A Nice Surprise

I was planning to stay home tonight.  K was going out with AJ and T has family visiting from out of town at his house.

But, K wanted to get AJ's daughter out of the house so they can go back to there and ... have some private time ... so she offered to get her to babysit our younger kids.  

Later this afternoon I sent a text to T to see if I showed up at his office if he would have dinner with me.

He did.

I met him there.  We had only enough time for a quickie.  It was quick but intense.  We could not stay long because I was invited to his house for dinner.  His family was waiting for us.

This was a double surprise.  T lives with his elderly parents and they are not entirely comfortable with me being with their son.  With company over I have not always been welcome.  But not today.  I sat at the table with their company and had dinner.  With the exception of a lot of Vietnamese being spoken, I was very comfortable and everyone else seemed comfortable too.  I was very happy.  

It was a really good evening.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Wedding Anniversary

My wedding anniversary is coming up. It's Saturday and I am not sure how to handle it.

 Last year I bought K a card and when I gave it to her she said, "Really? What are we celebrating?". It hurt my feelings at first, but after I thought about it, I guess it made more sense. We were not really in a good place last year. I wonder if this year is different.

 I get that we are no longer married, at least not from a practical perspective, and there may no longer be a point to celebrating. But on the other hand, I don't feel like I can just ignore the day. It has been important for 16 years. What happens on 17?

 What do normal couples do? I guess most normal couples are not usually friendly after a divorce. But we are. So among the ones who are still friendly, do they still mark the anniversary date?

 As I write this I am wondering if I am using this as another reason to hang on to a marriage that is dissolving. Since I still live there and we still do a lot of things as a family, I have been spared the trauma of moving out. Maybe I am using this in my mind to pretend things are still normal.

 Or, maybe I am just over thinking it.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Thank God and Greyhound Their Gone.

I borrowed the words from Roy Clark's song, but I feel the same way.  Well,  they drove themselves, but K's family is gone and I am sooo happy.  I have said it before, they are pelnty nice to me and this week was not exception, but there were not really nice to K and that's what pisses me off.

I would be so much better if I could just lock them in a room and let them fight to the death to work it all out.  For now I will settle for just gone.


I saw AJ on 2 separate occasions this weekend and both times we talked a little.  Nothing deep but enough so I could tell he was comfortable around me.

On Friday, I was at the barn where K keeps her horse.  My kids were there, my in-laws and the 3 cousins.  It was OK as they all took turns riding the horse and there was plenty of room at the farm for other kids to run around.  (and no one ran into the electric fence).  But then AJ and his daughter showed up.  He met K's family and took a place on the fence next to me.  We chatted a little.  Talked about work, cell phones (Blackberry vs. Android).  It was not a lot, but it was a start.  I was really impressed with it.

The next morning He stopped over my house to pick something up.  He was not here long, about 10 min but in that time we chatted some more.  This time it was about how crazy K's family is.  I told him I could tell him the stores but it was the kind thing you had to tell over a few beers and a camp fire.  AJ does not drink but he said he would smoke a cigar with me.  I thought that was pretty cool.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Introverted ... mostly

Depending on situation I am pretty much an introverted person.  But it's not that simple.

In an unfamiliar situation I am quiet and try to stay under the radar.  If I go with someone I know I latch onto them as I scope out the situation.  If I am alone, assuming I go at all, I will looks for someone I know and then latch onto them (at least for a while).  If I don't I will hang out at the edges of the event until I either become more comfortable or I leave.

Sometimes I can summon the courage to going to an uncomfortable situation.  Last Christmas, T was singing in a concert at his church.  I knew he liked to sing and he was very good, but I had never heard him sing.  I decided I would go even though it would be an extra challenge for me.  It was the perfect storm of uncomfortable for me.

1. He is Vietnamese and so is everyone in his church.  My family is from Canada making it difficult to blend in.
2. The church does everything in Vietnamese.  I do not speak Vietnamese.
3.  I will know only T and I can't talk to him while he is there.  He is not really out at church and anyway he will be performing.

I went anyway because I wanted to hear him sing and I knew it would make him happy.

Now contrast that to a situation where I am comfortable with the people.  I have a great time and people generally think I am fun to be around.  When K and I would have people at our house I easily engage in conversation, play games, tell jokes and other stuff.  I guess that is not that unusual.  I think that most people are more themselves when they are comfortable.  But there are a luck few who are really extroverted, like K, who are comfortable in strange social situations.

In an unusual twist, I have a job where I am often called to speak to large groups of people, most of who I do not know.  I am very comfortable in front of these large groups.  It's funny.  I can be asked to speak at a conference where I know no one.  I will hang around the edges, uncomfortably until it is my time.  Then I take the stage, microphone or whatever and I will commandingly take control of the room and present my message.  I do it with humor, polish and ease.  I don't even have to think about it, and I rarely rehearse.  When my presentation is over. I blend back into the woodwork and fade away.

I need to get over my introvertedness.  It is going to be an impediment as I try to meet people to develop friendships.  

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I Need More Friends

As I work my way through this transition in my life I need to build a network of friends.  It turns out I don't really have a lot of friends. Most of the friends I do have fall into to 2 basic categories. 1) Old friends I made when I was a kid or still in school. 2) Friend who are joint friends with K, which really means they are really her friends that I would hang out with when we were together.

Why don't I have friends?  I mean, I'm a likable guy.  I think there are several reasons for this.  First, I am shy when I first meet people.   The idea of walking up to someone in a bar is terrifying to me. I do find it easier to meet people online. I think that's because you can get a feel for someone via e-mail with over comes some of that fear.

Another reason is that it's hard is I have not been able to be honest so I figured there was very little point in taking the time or making an effort to get to know someone.  It would be horrible to get to know and like someone, all while not really being sure they would stick around if they found out.

I think the last reason is laziness.  Being with K has always been comfortable. I had my best friend with me all day every day. Since I was comfortable it was easy to get complacent.

Now I can't afford to be lazy anymore. I find that I am alone a lot and I want to be around more people.  I want to be able to invite people I am comfortable with out to dinner or to a gathering at my house.  Now I just have to figure out how to do it.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

In Between

I spent the evening with K's family.  We drove to the rental house as a family and when we got there is was all very normal.  K's parents & sister know I am gay and that we are splitting up.  When ever I am there is act normally and so do they.  In some ways it's a little weird because no one talks about the elephant in the room, (and it's a lavender one at that.)  Tonight started out the same way but changed.

AJ is out of town this weekend, but will return on Monday.  At some point during the week he is going to play golf with K's father.  K's parents know about the nature of K's relationship with him and I think they were uncomfortable at first, but now they are accepting because they want her to be happy.

Anyway, so tonight was the first time that we talked about AJ and the things that K and him have done together over the past few months.  I did not notice it at first because we talk about that stuff all the time, but as the even went on, I realized that they were talking about AJ like he was part of the family.  Not that they were slighting me, not at all.  I guess this is another sign that things are moving on.  That things are changing.  The more they change, the more they will get out of my control.  That will make me uneasy for a time, but it should pass as long as nothing terrible happens.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Lake Landing

I have been MIA form the blogging thing for a while.  I have had a lot of very uninteresting stuff going on, but I will try to get back into it.

K's family arrives today.  There is a large lake nearby and they have rented a house there for the week.  Her sister, husband, and 3 kids. Her mom & dad and an aunt & uncle.

I am just glad they will not all be staying at my house.

My brother-in-law is not really homophobic, but he is a little uncomfortable around gay people.  He has made an effort for me and I appreciate it.  In the past he has said some really, not nice things about gay people.  But now karma may be coming back to him.

His youngest son, who is 4, likes to play dress up.  Lots of kids do.  Instead of putting on the Spider-man or the Batman costume what does he put on?  Cinderella.  He actually does that all the time.  He dresses up in princess costumes and dresses when ever he can.  The frillier the better.  It drives my brother-in-law crazy, but he does not say much.  He is afraid to encourage him.  I am hoping the kid is gay and not transsexual.

Anyway they are here for the week.  This will be a stressful week.  I am only waiting for it to happen.  I am waiting for K's family to do something or not do something that will tick her off.  It happens every time they get together.

I will let you know how it goes.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Good, Bad, Balance

I had a busy weekend doing nothing.  While K was gone most of the weekend, I was thinking about my current relationship with her.  It has been fairly peaceful for the past week and I like that.  We have done things together, enjoyed each other company, or at least is seems that way to me.

When "normal" couples have a partnership, they share everything.  There is the fun stuff.  There is the work.  There is money problems.  There is sex.  There is the raising of kids.  There are vacations taken together and meeting at school.  There are lazy Saturday mornings spend dozing in bed and endless yard work.  The point is there is fun and work in some kind of balance.

K and I have less balance. We have a lot more works and a lot less fun.  A good chunk of her fun belongs to AJ and mine belongs to T.  But we persist.  Why?

I got some cranky feedback last week, and while it kind of pissed me off, it did make me think a little.

Why is it important that we do this?  Am I just hanging on because I am scared to go out on my own?  Am I hanging around here to ease my guilt for leaving our marriage?  Am I really getting in her way?

What about the kids?  While they don't seem confused, they may be.  How can I tell for sure?  Could it really be possible they would be happier if I was not living in the house?  I think the answer to that is a resounding no.  Here is why I think that.  Kids are remarkably indifferent about their parent's happiness.  Absent of constant parental fighting, I think kids would much prefer to have both parents as close to them as possible.  This may not hold true for all kids, but I know it is true for mine.  (The good night hug and kiss I got from my daughter tells me that for sure.)   Since K and I do not fight (occasional bickering does not count) am pretty sure they prefer it this way.  

That is not to say if I were to move out, they would not adapt, I am sure they would.  I just don't think this is the time to make them.

Am I holding K back?  I don't think so either.  I know she is sometimes having a hard time, but I also think that she is moving on.  I think that as her relationship with AJ grows, it will be easier for her.  AJ knows about our living situation and he accepts that.  Will it works forever?  Probably not.  In 3 years when AJ's daughter goes away to college, will he still be OK with it.  I don't really know.  Maybe not.  I will address that when the time comes.

In the meantime, I will try to balance (or juggle) as much as I can for as long as I can.  

Friday, August 6, 2010

Lonely and Distracted

I am not going to see T this weekend.  He has family visiting from out of town and he is expected to spend time with them.  I am disappointed, but I understand.  K is out with AJ and I am home with the kids.  It's not too bad, we are all watching SpongeBob together.  Well, me and the younger kids anyway.  I like being with the kids, but I am still a little lonely, missing my man.

My father has been in poor for a number of years now.  I am not going in to the details, but he was in the hospital for what could have been a serious situation.  A minor procedure seemed to fix him up and he was feeling better and home the next day.  Tonight he is back in the hospital.  Apparently what they did, did not take as well as we thought.

He is in a hospital tonight that specializes in his condition, so he is the best place he could be right now.  I am hoping for the best, but since I am over 750 miles away, I feel helpless.  Of course, I understand that even if I was there, there is nothing I could do.  

So frustrating.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Over the Falls ... Sort Of

This has been an eye opening week.

Earlier in the week I was annoyed about something K had said and when I confronted her with it she came unglued about a host of other things.  I was taken completely off guard.  I was concerned that maybe the good place I thought I was in is not so good after all.  

I went to bed, but had trouble sleeping.  Partly because of the argument partly because of a nagging cough that I have picked up.  The next morning I left for work before K got up, still feeling troubled.  I sent her a text message saying I was sorry that we fought and I was not scared that we might be sliding.  That our best friend status might slowly morph into bitter loathing.  My worse nightmare.  I also told her I knew we could not have the discussion over text message.

She did reply and I found you that the venting was really about something else.  Even thought she is falling for AJ, she is still having a hard time watching my relationship with T grow.  She did acknowledge that it could be difficult for me to watch her develop feelings for AJ (it is, but not in the way she thinks).  She said she wants us to talk about it, but she was not ready just yet.  I told I would give her time.

Oddly enough, this made me feel better.  I think it was because the stuff she was complain about the night before were so insane, I knew there had to be something else going on.  Now at least it made sense.  It showed there is still a ways to go, but at least it was rational.

Yesterday, T came to see me unexpectedly at my house.  I mean, he called first, but I was not expecting him until he called.  K was working so I was home with the kids and could not really leave.  I was good to see him and the kids were glad too.  My daughter was playing Wii and roped him into playing Wii Sports Resort with him.  He was a really good port about it and she had a really good time.  After that we took the kids out for ice cream at a local place that makes their own hard ice cream.  

He did not stay long, but long enough for me to....  well ....  long enough.  

Monday, August 2, 2010

What's Up With Bi?

I have been seeing a whole bunch of blogs lately talking about bisexual men and it seems to be an emotional topics for a lot of them.  To be honest I can't see what all the uproar is.  I did not really want to get drawn into this, but now I can't help myself

The gist of what I have heard is something like this:

There is no such thing a bisexual.  People are gay or straight.
I think the only reason some people think this is because we (people in general) like things that are simple and easy to understand.  While I don't know of any scientific studies, I will have to go with what I think.  I am pretty sure there are some bisexual people.  I think that bisexual is a sexual orientation all my itself and it probably encompass a continuum of same sex and opposite sex attractions.

Bisexual people want to have their cake and eat it too.  They are selfish cheaters.
First, what is the point to having cake in the first place if you cannot eat it.  I mean really.  

Putting that to one side, this is really 2 separate questions.  Do bisexuals want relationships with both men and women?  Maybe, but that is not really the question either.  The real question is do they want more than one relationship at the same time.  This is a more fundamental question that can apply to anyone.  A straight man can want a relationship with 2 different women.  A gay man could want a relationship with more than one man.  The answer to that is about the relationships, not really about the people.  

The other separate but related question, are they selfish cheaters.  The answer to that is very simple for me and depends on if they are cheating or not.  If a man get married to a woman and is having relations with a man or a woman that his wife does not know about it, then he is a selfish cheater and WRONG.  It's really that simple.  If he is lying to his wife just to get his rocks off, he is a cheater and there is really no way to justify that in my mind.

If, on the other hand, the man tells his wife he is bisexual and she consents (consent is the key here) to him having a man on the side, then I am good with it and so should everyone else.  It is not about anyone other than the man his wife and the boyfriend.  If they all agree to participate knowing what they are getting into, then I sincerely  hope they are all happy together. 

One commenter to a blog said "To say that Bisexuality is merely a stepping stone to being Gay is uninformed and ridiculous."
I was not sure what he meant exactly.  I think that people are generally what ever sexual orientation they are.  Meaning that orientation is not generally fluid over time.  If you are gay, the likely hood is you have always been gay.  What is fluid, however, is our understanding of our own sexual orientation.  That changes and evolves over time before we settle on who we really are.  If there was not so much bad press about being gay, I suspect this would be a much faster evolution for most.

For myself (and this in only about me) I think that I was always gay.  But at some point I determine that gay was too far for me to admit to and bi was somehow easier.  So I went with that.  I was bisexual because I said I was.  Looking back at my life now I do not believe that my sexual orientation evolved over time.  I think that my understanding of my sexual orientation and what I was able to admit to evolved over time.  

Did I become bisexual and then gay?  No.  Do others?  I don't know.  People have to answer that for themselves, after looking back and reflecting on their lives and feelings.


I still do not understand the hostility that some gay men feel toward their bisexual cousins.  I certainly don't feel that way (unless you are a cheater).

I don't expect to post on this topic again, but you never know.