Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Good, Bad, Balance

I had a busy weekend doing nothing.  While K was gone most of the weekend, I was thinking about my current relationship with her.  It has been fairly peaceful for the past week and I like that.  We have done things together, enjoyed each other company, or at least is seems that way to me.

When "normal" couples have a partnership, they share everything.  There is the fun stuff.  There is the work.  There is money problems.  There is sex.  There is the raising of kids.  There are vacations taken together and meeting at school.  There are lazy Saturday mornings spend dozing in bed and endless yard work.  The point is there is fun and work in some kind of balance.

K and I have less balance. We have a lot more works and a lot less fun.  A good chunk of her fun belongs to AJ and mine belongs to T.  But we persist.  Why?

I got some cranky feedback last week, and while it kind of pissed me off, it did make me think a little.

Why is it important that we do this?  Am I just hanging on because I am scared to go out on my own?  Am I hanging around here to ease my guilt for leaving our marriage?  Am I really getting in her way?

What about the kids?  While they don't seem confused, they may be.  How can I tell for sure?  Could it really be possible they would be happier if I was not living in the house?  I think the answer to that is a resounding no.  Here is why I think that.  Kids are remarkably indifferent about their parent's happiness.  Absent of constant parental fighting, I think kids would much prefer to have both parents as close to them as possible.  This may not hold true for all kids, but I know it is true for mine.  (The good night hug and kiss I got from my daughter tells me that for sure.)   Since K and I do not fight (occasional bickering does not count) am pretty sure they prefer it this way.  

That is not to say if I were to move out, they would not adapt, I am sure they would.  I just don't think this is the time to make them.

Am I holding K back?  I don't think so either.  I know she is sometimes having a hard time, but I also think that she is moving on.  I think that as her relationship with AJ grows, it will be easier for her.  AJ knows about our living situation and he accepts that.  Will it works forever?  Probably not.  In 3 years when AJ's daughter goes away to college, will he still be OK with it.  I don't really know.  Maybe not.  I will address that when the time comes.

In the meantime, I will try to balance (or juggle) as much as I can for as long as I can.  

1 comment:

TwoLives said...

K's cranky feedback last week has made you question your involvement in her and the kids' lives? Maybe it's not such a big deal, but I'd want to know where her frustrations are coming from. You really want to nip those in the bud so they don't balloon into long-term problems or resentments. I can't imagine why she would object to any of the time or interaction you have with the kids. Unless she thinks you don't do enough with or for them. So it would seem more likely that she's somewhat frustrated with your role in her life. If her crankiness persists you may need to draw her out. This post reminded me of your posts in January when K was extremely frustrated with you. You were able to work things out so I have great confidence that you can do so again, easily. I just suggest that you keep a close eye on her and be proactive if she continues to be agitated.

I am very impressed with your transition. I think you and K deserve a lot of credit for handling yourselves and your 4 kids so well.