Saturday, August 28, 2010

Happy About Divorce...?

Exactly 17 years ago, (to the hour as I write this) K and I boarded the MS Celebration in preparation for our wedding.  We actually for married at 2:00 in the afternoon on board the ship. (No, the ships Capitan did not do it.)

Tonight I will be home alone with the kids and K will be going out with AJ and some other friends.  Anniversary all but ignored.

K and I talked about my desire to some how mark the day.  She wondered if Hallmark make a Happy-Anniversary-Sorry-About-The-Divorce card.  I didn't think so.

17 years ago the plan was that we would spend the rest of our lives together.  We entered into an unbreakable bond that would last forever and beyond.  She was deeply in love and I thought I was too.  I was deeply in denial about my gay-ness.  I loved her deeply and I thought that's what "in love" felt like.

Seventeen years later we are just waiting to fill out the paperwork of a divorce.  I have come to terms with being a gay man.  I know now that I spent a lot of time pretending to be someone else and it not only hurt me, but it hurt K too.  For years she spent unhappy because I was not the man that she wanted, even thought outwardly, we had a near perfect relationship.

She has a new boyfriend and so do I.  She is starting to come alive in a way that I have not seen in a long time.  She is happier and laughs more now than she has in a long time.  Four years ago she told me that she felt like she was part of the furniture.  She did not think I loved her like I used to.   She was depressed and tired all the time.  She did not take joy in things that she used to like.  She used to have goals, and would work to achieve them, but she stopped.  She put on a lot of weight.  Today she is losing weight and the change in her is noticeable.   She is taking classes

I have found myself.  My journey is not complete, but I know where I am going.   Am I happier?  Yes and no.  I am glad that I am now free to be who I am, but at the same time I did have the same dreams about living my whole life with one person from my mid 20's to my mid 90's.  Now I have to make new dreams.  

So am I happy about the divorce?  Not exactly, but I see now how the marriage was based on something that was not real.  No matter how much K and I love each other and how much we support each other, it was just not right. I love her enough to know that she deserves a straight man that will give her the passion she needs.  I also know that I deserve to feel the passion in my heart that I only only found in the arms of a Vietnamese doctor.  

Because K and I are still best friends I am able to keep our relationship.  I am able to stay close to my kids and keep their life basically unchanged (at least for now).

For most of 17 years K and I walked the same path and now that is not possible.  Our paths will separate, and for now, they will remain parallel.  Close enough so we will be always in touch, but separate enough so we can each find out separate happiness.

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