Monday, August 2, 2010

What's Up With Bi?

I have been seeing a whole bunch of blogs lately talking about bisexual men and it seems to be an emotional topics for a lot of them.  To be honest I can't see what all the uproar is.  I did not really want to get drawn into this, but now I can't help myself

The gist of what I have heard is something like this:

There is no such thing a bisexual.  People are gay or straight.
I think the only reason some people think this is because we (people in general) like things that are simple and easy to understand.  While I don't know of any scientific studies, I will have to go with what I think.  I am pretty sure there are some bisexual people.  I think that bisexual is a sexual orientation all my itself and it probably encompass a continuum of same sex and opposite sex attractions.

Bisexual people want to have their cake and eat it too.  They are selfish cheaters.
First, what is the point to having cake in the first place if you cannot eat it.  I mean really.  

Putting that to one side, this is really 2 separate questions.  Do bisexuals want relationships with both men and women?  Maybe, but that is not really the question either.  The real question is do they want more than one relationship at the same time.  This is a more fundamental question that can apply to anyone.  A straight man can want a relationship with 2 different women.  A gay man could want a relationship with more than one man.  The answer to that is about the relationships, not really about the people.  

The other separate but related question, are they selfish cheaters.  The answer to that is very simple for me and depends on if they are cheating or not.  If a man get married to a woman and is having relations with a man or a woman that his wife does not know about it, then he is a selfish cheater and WRONG.  It's really that simple.  If he is lying to his wife just to get his rocks off, he is a cheater and there is really no way to justify that in my mind.

If, on the other hand, the man tells his wife he is bisexual and she consents (consent is the key here) to him having a man on the side, then I am good with it and so should everyone else.  It is not about anyone other than the man his wife and the boyfriend.  If they all agree to participate knowing what they are getting into, then I sincerely  hope they are all happy together. 

One commenter to a blog said "To say that Bisexuality is merely a stepping stone to being Gay is uninformed and ridiculous."
I was not sure what he meant exactly.  I think that people are generally what ever sexual orientation they are.  Meaning that orientation is not generally fluid over time.  If you are gay, the likely hood is you have always been gay.  What is fluid, however, is our understanding of our own sexual orientation.  That changes and evolves over time before we settle on who we really are.  If there was not so much bad press about being gay, I suspect this would be a much faster evolution for most.

For myself (and this in only about me) I think that I was always gay.  But at some point I determine that gay was too far for me to admit to and bi was somehow easier.  So I went with that.  I was bisexual because I said I was.  Looking back at my life now I do not believe that my sexual orientation evolved over time.  I think that my understanding of my sexual orientation and what I was able to admit to evolved over time.  

Did I become bisexual and then gay?  No.  Do others?  I don't know.  People have to answer that for themselves, after looking back and reflecting on their lives and feelings.


I still do not understand the hostility that some gay men feel toward their bisexual cousins.  I certainly don't feel that way (unless you are a cheater).

I don't expect to post on this topic again, but you never know.


Cubby said...

Being bisexual immediately doubles your chances for a date on Friday night.

jim said...

I guess there is an upside to everything.

Jean claude said...

I agree with your opinion about sexuality not being fluid.

Fear is fluid. Fear of facing ourselves and our reality. But after years of living in fear, you come to a point where you get tired of it.
And then you don´t feel fear anymore. And you free yourself of your inner jail.

Anonymous said...

I like, men, men...whether they are straight, bi, or gay. However, there are some self-proclaimed bi men in here who kept on making judgmental generalizations about gay men, then when the gay men talk about them, they bitch, bitch, bitch...then, they get a little GIRL!

fan of casey said...

Well said, you cleared that up in understandable terms - seems quite straight forward without getting all emotional or ranting and raving. I agreed with the situations as you have laid out that cheating is cheating no matter what self-professed sexual identity one adopts, if there is an expectation of monogamy. I think what a lot of people react to is the idea that some bi-guys (not all mind you) rationalize that being unfaithful to one's wife is not really cheating if it's with another guy. It seems to be a terminology loophole that guys are willing to exploit to try to excuse their hypocrisy.

Anonymous said...

Very well-said.

Hotcakes said...

your life is interesting :)

manxxman said...

I remember when I finally came out to my ex. It was a very difficult time for both of us. Of course, as is her want she wanted to talk my revelation "to death", something that made me feel very uncomfortable. I could have gone the "I bi" route, but I knew I wasn't and what I just went through was difficult enough without adding another layer to it and giving her the idea that there was a possibility we couple remain a couple.

I believe that a lots of gays (guys) use the "bi thing" as a stepping stone. If this helps them then fine. And I can also accept that there are a percentage of guys (semi gays) that are bi, but personally I don't get it.

Thomas (Tom) Rimington said...

ok... I am late to add my two cents here, but here goes:

I believe sexuality has many shades of grey between the (black/gay and white/straight) extremes.

Many men use the "bi" card to experiment while finding their place in that grey scale for fears most gay men have experienced many times in their own lives...

BUT... As you posted, Cheating is CHEATING.. Period.. If you cheat on your wife (or husband/partner) while finding your comfortable sexual place, You will probably also cheat on your man (if you eventually take that step) for maybe nothing more than the thrill!

I honestly believe that if you are somewhere in the grey scale and, like I once was, confused into "being normal", you can still be honest with your spouse (or significant other) about your feelings and agree (or disagree) on any rules for discovering those feelings...

I think most "straight" people think that announcing that you are gay also announces a misnomer that "all gay people are promiscuous".

Sure, anonymous sex can be fun, but for most gay couples I know, that have stayed together beyond the stereotypical 7 year itch, there is truly no difference between them and their straight counterparts...

All relationships take a little work... Cheating does nothing to resolve any pending issues in your relationship (gay, bi, or straight)...

I applaud all people that admit to their place in the above mentioned grey scale... Unfortunately there are only 3 labels for that infinite scale... Straight... Bi... or Gay?

Get over the labels and be honest with yourself and the people around you... Trust me, it works!

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Love your insight dude!