Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Shopping ... I'm so Gay

I have to really good couple of days lined up.

Today, K got a sitter for the little kids and we went out shopping together.  It was the first time in a long time, that the 2 of us had some time together without the kids.  We went to a mall, where I had to exchange a couple of things.  I also followed her around while she looked at clothes for herself and for the kids.  

Then we went to lunch.  AJ joined us.  He was working today but was able to get away for lunch.  While K and I were having a good time today, I was interesting to see her face light up, when AJ walked into the restaurant and sat down next to her.  We had a nice meal, she kissed him good-bye and we went to IKEA looking for a new stand for the TV.  We wondered around there for a while and then went home.

It was a good day with my best friend.

While we were at IKEA, I looked through the full apartment set ups they have.  They set up walls and actually build a kitchen, bath, bedroom, living room all in a small area.  They had three of these set up.  One about 600 sq feet.  One about 450 sq feet.  One about 275 sq feet.  I have a feeling that, at least in the short term, we will not be able to find a house (or a buyer for ours) that will accommodate all of us.  I was thinking about ways I could set up a small apartment for me.  I have mixed feelings that I don't really want to explore today.

Tomorrow will be another good day.  T does not work on Thursday and since I am on vacation, we will be spending most of the day together.   I don't know exactly what we will be doing, but I don't really care.  I will just be happy to be together with him.

I will meet him late in the morning.  We will probably have lunch and then we'll see what happens next.  Maybe we can see a movie together.

Either way I'm sure it will be a good day.

In other news, he will be coming to my house for New Year's Eve.  I am sooooo excited about it.  

The question of the kiss will be deferred until next year.  He does not want to be on the road too late with all the crazies on the road.  I am going to pick him up and bring him home around 10:00.  I was thinking that I will just hang out at his house for a while and have my kiss there when midnight happens.

I'll keep you posted.

Sunsetting 2010

2010 is in it's way out.  It was not the best year I ever had, but it was pretty good.  That said, I am still glad to see it go.  I have high hopes for 2011.  

Professionally 2011 is shaping up to be a good year.  At the beginning of 2010, I was in a little of trouble at work.  I was pointing out problems and things that my bosses did not really want anyone talking about.  This year they have come back to me asking me what I think they should do about the problems they could have avoided had they listened to me in the first place.   It's always good when people see the error of their ways.

In 2010 I stopped carrying around the guilt of coming out as a gay man.  I stopped feeling guilty for my inability to be a straight husband.  While I still feel responsible for K, and I will until she finishes school, I no longer feel responsible for her happiness.  She can so that on her own.  

In 2010, I solidified my feelings for T.  I realized that the feelings we have for each other does not grow on trees.  It is a rare blessing that I need to hang on to.  Earlier this year,  I thought I could easily re-create it with someone else.  What I learned is that the "chemistry" between two people is not so easily replicated and it is more intangible than I thought.

My to do list for 2011 includes coming out to my kids and making friends to improve my social life.  I have a greater optimism going into 2011 than I was going into 2010.

Monday, December 27, 2010

New Year's Dilemma

I have a dilemma.  It's not a big one, but I have been thinking about it for the past couple of days.

K is hosting a New Year's Eve party at our house on Friday.  This is the first time in a long time that we have done that.  Come to think of it, I am not sure we have ever done that.  Well, anyway, this is not my party so there is really no "we" in the party.

Anyway, she will invite AJ, his daughter, another couple she is friends with and their kids (who probably won't come).  Of course, my kids will there and they might invite a kid from down the street who my older boys play with.  Sounds like a party right?

K had also invited T.  I really want him to come.  He thinks he will be able to, but is not sure yet.  That is not my dilemma.  Let's assume for a moment that he will come.  I think he will mesh easily with the other people.  He is charming and more outgoing than me (or at least better a faking it).  I also think that the people attending will be accepting of him and his relationship with me, so there are no problems there.

So what is my dilemma?

Traditionally, at the stroke of midnight, a person kisses the person they love as a way to start off the new year.  I expect K and AJ will share a kiss.  I expect the other couple will kiss as well.  What about T and I?  I know that T is not a fan of PDA, in general.  I get that, but this is a special occasion and everyone else will be doing it so a kiss is not out of place.  Besides we are not talking about a make out fest here.  Just a kiss to ring in the new year.  

The other problem is, I am not out to my kids.  I am not out to AJ's daughter (because she would tell my kids).  So seeing me and T smooching in the new year might be unsettling to them.  On the other hand it is a reminder to me that I am different.  It also feels like it reinforces that there is something wrong with the relationship we have.  I can live with that when we are out in public, but in my own house?  There just seems to be something wrong with that.

So what do I do?  I don't think rushing to come out the the kids before Friday is a good idea.  Even if I did, it may be best to ease them into that, rather than having them see me kissing another man the next day.  I really want to do things with T that other people do in their relationships, or more accurately, that I used to do when I was "normal".  I guess I just do not want anyone, including me, to treat my gay relationship like it is some how lesser than the others.

I guess I will play it by ear.  If the kids are around at midnight, then I will do the unselfish thing and not kiss him.  Next year when the kids know the real me, it will probably be OK.

If, on the other hand, the kids are not there, (in another room, for example) I think I will kiss him.  That will get my 2011 off to a good start.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas and Looking Back

As the rovers on Mars drive around the planet, NASA scientists often turn the cameras rearward to take a look at where the rover has been.  It's important to know where you have been so you don't lose sight of where you are going... or how much progress you have made (or lack of progress).

I wondered what I wrote last Christmas.  It turned out it was nothing.    I did not write anything on December 25, 2009.  I did write on either side of Christmas.  Looking back I can see one year ago was a turning point for me.

It was the time that I realized that I could not go back in the closet no matter how much I wanted to.  I realized that I was never going to feel at home pretending to be straight and trying to blend in with other straight people.  I realized that not only was I not going to be happy saying married to K, that she was not going to be happy either.   I knew I had deep and strong feelings for T.  Feelings I interpreted as love, but looking back, I didn't really know what I was feeling about anything.  All in all, an awful 2009, was converting itself into 2010 and the outlook was not really any better.

I did not realize it at the time, but once that corner was turned, things started to fall into place.

Today I whine that I do not have enough friends I can call my own, gay or straight.  I really want a live in partner and  I complain that T may not be able to do that for me.  I bitch about how much I dislike sleeping alone.

I need to take a look in the mirror more often.  

I need to take stock in, not only the things I did not lose, but the things I have gained.

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I Am Starting to Love Being Gay

I met T for lunch today.  With his visitors gone (they left Monday)  I have actually been able to see him twice this week.  We had dinner on Tuesday too.  As you can imagine, I am feeling a lot better.

On Tuesday I brought T a present for Christmas.  It was not a big thing, but something I thought he would like and find useful.  

Today he gave me a gift too.  It was thoughtful and I liked it.

After lunch I went back to work and was there less than an hour when T sent me a text asking me to come back to the mall where we had lunch.  Since most of the office was cleared out for the holiday, I packed up my stuff and headed for the car.  

I met him at a jewelry store where we was looking a pocket watches.  He thought it would make a nice gift for me.  I told him it would probably spend most of it's time in a drawer.  He had another idea.  The leather ID bracelet in this picture was what he picked (without the engraving).  I LOVED it and told him I would wear it.  We went to have it engraved.  He proposed putting my initials on the front, and his on the inside.  I thought that sounded like a great idea.  I was very excited.

It was not so much about the bracelet itself, but the event of him purchasing it for me.  It was not terribly expensive, and it was something I might have bought for myself had I seen it first.  There were 2 things that really caused my excitement.  The first was that he picked out something that was something I would have picked for myself.  I think that once again demonstrated a connection between us.  The second was that we were getting it engraved together.

We went to the counter together to get it engraved.  He was more composed, but I was excited.  I filled out the engraving form and he paid the bill.  As we walked out of the store he was smiling at me.  "We were so obvious!" he said.  Meaning that it would have been plain to even the most dim-witted that he and I were a romantic couple. 

"Good." I said, but not for he reason that he might think.  He knows I am proud of him and our relationship.  I would hold his hand everywhere we went if I thought he would let me (and I thought we would not get our asses kicked).  I was happy because I this was the first time, I was sure that others knew I was gay, and was with my boyfriend and I was not even a little bit uncomfortable.  I did not feel shame.  I was not embarrassed.  I was totally happy.  Simply exhilarated.

I really am in a place where I am starting to love being gay.  And I owe it all to one man.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Ugh ... Sigh

Today K and youngest son talked about the relationship she has with AJ.  She told him that they like each other.  He is worried that means she is going to leave.  Apparently he heard from of his friend's divorced parents that adults have to leave to find their happiness.  She assured him that was not this case for her.

One thing that K and I did talk about recently is our living situation.  It is not ideal.  We have a extra room that we used as a play room.  I was sleeping there for about 6 months.  We did not have the money to put a door on this room so it felt like I was essentially sleeping in the hall way.  Now I have moved up to one of the bedrooms upstairs.  The problem is I took over youngest son's room and he is now sharing a large room (the largest one in the house) with his 2 older brothers.  They agreed to this on the condition that in the spring, when I should be getting some bonus money from work, I will be able to have the wall and door built.

But even that is not sustainable.  We need a bigger house.  I am not underwater on my  house, but it will be difficult to sell it for what I need to get for it so I can buy another one.  And there is another one that is PERFECT for us.  It is a 4 bedroom house with and in-law apartment in the basement.  It is newly remodeled and has been on the market for almost 3 years.   The price has come down from the upper end of out price range to what we could comfortably afford.  It's almost like God himself wanted us to move there.  Like he is holding that house for us.  That is, if I can sell the house I have.  I cannot afford 2 mortgage payments.

If we cannot figure out what to do soon, there may come a time when I have to move out of the house.  Now, I expect I will be here all the time, I just won't sleep here.  Neither K or I are thrilled about that plan, but it may be unavoidable.  This house is just not big enough for our current situation in the long run.

I am missing T tonight.  He is doing some family function at his brother's house.  I was not invited and he could not, not go.  Like I said before, I understand it, but it still sucks.  So tonight I am lonely and cranky.  I've had more than a few beers, and now I feel lonely, cranky and sleepy.

To make matters worse, K has gone to AJ's house for the evening.  Maybe the night.  When she left she was not sure if she was going to spend the night with him.  If she does, she will go directly from his house to her job at the church tomorrow morning.  

I am not concerned about her sleeping over there.  I'm really not.  But it is a little like rubbing salt in my lonely wound.  I cannot be with T tonight, but she gets to be with her boyfriend.  So while I am lonely, she gets to be held in the arms of her man.

Dang it!!  I want that too.  It's not her fault of course.  I am not suggesting she should stay home, just because I am, I just wish it was my turn.

My Love Tank Is Low

Back when K and I were swirling it was difficult for me to get out of the house to see T.   I was lucky if I was able to get out and see him every other week.  At the time I would have liked to see him more, but there was so much crap, it was almost not worth it.  Also, I was so co-dependent with K (and I still am to some extent) that I had so much guilt when I did see him, that it almost sucked all the fun out of the visit.

Through all of this, T stuck by me.  He would occasionally make some noises that he was unhappy, but for the most part, he understood the situation I had and he did his best to make it easy for me.

Gradually, this has gotten better.  Now I am to a point where I see him at least once or twice a week, and sometimes 3 times in a week.   Now that K and I are in a good place, she is now able to better accept the relationship that T and I have.  The fact that she has fallen in love with AJ helps a lot too.

Since I have been able to see so much more, I have gotten used to it.  But this month has been hard for me.  T has visiting family at his house.  These are elderly relatives from out of state.  While they are there, it is more difficult for him to get out since he expected to socialize with them.  What makes it harder is they are her for almost a month!!!  Ugh!!

Of course, on an intellectual level this make perfect sense to me.  If you have family from far away who comes to visit with you, you need to hang out with them.  To just ditch them, is just rude.  On an emotional level, I hate it.  I miss my man and I don't like that I cannot see him.  

Last weekend we got together.  We had a super nice evening even falling asleep in each other's arms.

I am not going to get to see him this weekend.  It's not that I don't have a bunch of things to do to keep me occupied, but really need to re-fill my love tanks.  I need my man fix.

The good news, for me anyway, is his visitors will be leaving on Monday and he will be able to see me more.  YIPPIEEEEE!!

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Right Place At the Right Time

K finished her last exam on Tuesday.  So I took her out to lunch to celebrate.  With all the hectic-ness that goes on in the house in the evening (i.e. when the kids are home) it was nice for us have a little quiet time to talk.  

One of the things we talked about is AJ's continued amazement at the relationship between K and I. Some people here have told me the same thing.  There are a couple of things she told him.  One is the nature of our relationship and how that is strange compared to other divorced couples.

How is it we can continue to be best friends?  In fact, I have noticed in the past 3 or 4 months we are closer than we have been in a very long time.  I also think we are both happier than we have been in a long time.  While AJ accepts it, he does not really understand it.  K tries to explain.

In the best circumstances, a divorced couple with kids might look like this.  Most of the time, divorced parents have separate circles that intersect the kids but rarely intersect each other.

What K and I have is more like this:

K and I are still separate but there is (and will continue to be) and intersection of our lives that while it includes the kids, is independent of the kids.   That is difficult for AJ and  to understand, even thought he accepts it.

Why do we continue this way?  It is so unusual, why?  

She reasoned there are several reasons.  The funny thing is these reasons did not really become clear until recently, nearly 20 years after the fact.  

  1. I met K after some really bad shit happened to her. (I am not to get into any details here)  Because of it she was shaken to the very core of her being.  I was a safe harbor.  I accepted the all the baggage of her life and I promised to take care of her.  I let her open up to me on her terms, at her pace.  All the while supportive.
  2. I met K after a failed relationship (with a woman) hurt me deeply.  In hindsight, I thank God, every day that relationship failed because I know she would not be supportive of me now.  Also I was groping my way around heterosexual relationships.  Even though at this point in my life I was refusing to be gay (and I was not "bi" yet) I was not comfortable with disconnect between the feelings I thought I was supposed to have the the ones I was really feeling.  But she accepted me (even after i told her I have been sexual with other boys) and I was sure I loved her so we decided to start a life together.
  3. Even though we did not know it at the time, we were both in the right place at the right time for each other.  
Here is another thing.   For a most of the time we have been married, K's sex drive have been much lower than that I think the average married woman her age should be.  I thought this even before we had kids.  We have not been sexually intimate in almost 2 years and before that we were basically on a quarterly plan.  In fact more that once, she told me, "If I never have sex again, that would be just fine with me."

While I am horny all the time, I was usually not really that interested in sex with her.  I mean we did it from time to time and it was fun, but I was not really into it.  Many times I was thinking about someone else.  I suspect that part of her lack of sex drive was I was just not very good in bed. (That is not something you hear guys admit to very often)  

Today, if she goes more than a couple of days without some special alone time with him, she starts climbing the walls.  She craves it and we even talk about how he "curls her toes".  Now we do not discuss the details of our sex lives with each other, but I know some things about her and AJ.  I know that he is quite a bit smaller than me, but he more than makes up for in in enthusiasm.  Why?  Well because he is straight and being with a naked woman really turns him on. There are certain activities that I used to do just because I knew she liked it.  I didn't want to, but it did.  It was a chore.  I'm sure she could tell.  She probably thought I was a selfish lover.  What a relief to find out I am only gay.

So now that she has a man who delights in doing the things I thought were chores, is it any wonder that her sex drive in suddenly through the roof??

It was painful to get to the place.  There was a lot of turmoil.  A lot of swirl.  Was it worth it?  There is only one answer of course.  Absolutely it was.  No question about it.  Not only for me though, but for her too.

You see, I thought the swirl, the anger, the hurt, the pain and all the other bad stuff associated with my coming out started in April of 2008 when she overheard me telling T that I love him.  But that was not really true.  We had been in a slow burn for YEARS before that.  We were not miserable, but we were not a happy together as we wanted to be.  Not as happy together as we are today.  And not as happy INDIVIDUALLY as we are today.  Even thought she did not realize why at the time, she was unhappy being married to a gay guy.  

Now that we know the cause of the unhappiness and are dealing with it, life is so much better for both of us.  

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

When Did I Become A Pussy?

Last month I wrote about a local gay event called "Take the Lake" that I had planed to go to but instead did not.  I chickened out.

Today there was another of these events.  This time I went... sort of.

After I changed into the extra clothed I brought with me.  Then I drove to the bar/restaurant where the even was being held.  There were not a lot of cars there.  I sat in my car for a while thinking about going in.   I cannot explain why I am so nervous about going into this event.  I know it is irrational, but I just am.  (When did I become a pussy?)

After sitting in my car in the parking lot (in the freezing cold) I finally decided I would go in.  I figured it was a restaurant after all and I never had problems eating alone before.  I would go in, scope the place out and then I could decide what to do.  So I went in.  I told the hostess I was there alone and she walked me to a table.  I followed her, but I was not looking at her.  I was looking into the bar area hoping to find someone I knew since lots of people from my office I know to be gay sometimes come to this thing.   I did not see anyone.

After I was seated I pretended to study the menu.  What was I going to do next?  I really did not want to eat there, and I did not want to hang out at the bar alone.  The waiter came and I told him I needed another minute.  Then I did what any one would do.  I snuck out and drove away.

I was very disappointed in myself.  I had resolved to do this and I just couldn't.  I drove to a nearby mall and walked a could of lap to try to clear my head and think a little.  What is wrong with me?  I should be able to go into a place like that on my own and feel confidant.  I just don't.

A couple of years ago, when T and I were having one of our breakups (back when I was still crazy) he went to a lake party similar to this, but bigger.  He went alone and by the time the event was over he had met several people, bumped into an old boyfriend, and gotten several phone numbers to call back.  There is no way I would have the courage to engage new people in that way.  It's just outside my personality.  

If I am to achieve my goal of having a circle of gay friends (or any friends) I have to get over my fear of meeting new people.  I suppose that comes from years of hiding my true self, but now that I no longer have to do that, it should get easier, right?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I Can Still Be The Man

I am pretty handy for a gay guy.  I can install a ceiling fan.  I can install a dishwasher and a garbage disposal.  I can change the brakes pads on my car (disc and drum brakes).  I can rebuild a starter motor and change the ball joints on a 1977 Dodge Aspen.  I can wire an electrical outlet and install an over-the-stove microwave.  Have you seen shoes really cool play sets for the kids?  You know the ones with swings, slides and a small tree house?  I built one of those too.  (No, I did not just assemble the parts.  I bought lumber and screws and built it.)  I learned most all of this from my dad who was the ultimate handyman in his younger days.

Now, I am not a master craftsman.  This spring I will have to pay a guy to put a door on my extra front room so I can use it as a bedroom.  I could probably do it myself, but I think it will look better if I have an expert do it.

K usually does the decorating at our house.  Yes, I know you would expect the gay guy to do that, but that's for another story.  Last week K was getting ready to put the lights on the pine trees that grow in front of the house.  She called me at work because the electrical outlook outside the front door was not working.  I told how to check the breaker garage and the GFI on outlet.  They all checked out.

Yesterday I checked it with a meter and sure enough it is dead.  I think the GFI (ground fault interrupt) is bad so the outlet needs to be replaced.   Not a difficult task, except I didn't have one.  K was out and I had all the kids.  I did not want to take them all the Lowe's to buy a replacement. By the time K got back it would be too dark.

I send K and text saying I had checked it and it needed to be replaced.  Her response was, "AJ wants to know if you want him to come take a look at it."


Now I like AJ just fine, but I am still the man in my house.  I can handle a dinky job like that one and I did not need Mr. Wonderful to do it for me.  (Does that sound bitchy?)

I politely texted back that I could handle it.  She called me.  I think she was worried I might think she was suggesting I could not handle this little home repair.  "No, no, no" I said.  I am sure he was just trying to be helpful.

After thinking about it for a while I should have said yes.  After all I can change the oil in my car too, but it is worth $24 to have the guys at Wal-Mart do it for me.  Maybe I could have gotten AJ to just do it for me.  

Then I could spend more time weeding T's garden.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Envy and Freedom

I don't usually comment on comments, but I feel compelled today. After I posted yesterday, I got a comment from another blogger that said he was "envious" of my life and "freedom".  Should anyone feel that way about me?  

Let's get back to that later. 

Envy is as unproductive as regret.  It is a trap built into human emotions we have to fight against.

As I look around the blogosphere there are a lot of guys who are in various places on the same path I am walking. Many of them have pieces of things I want, but none have all of it.     

Ultimately I want:

  • to live as an openly gay man
  • to find a man who truly loves me and who I can love in return
  • to share my life with the man I love, to live together as a family and, grow old together. 
  • to fully integrate my partner into my family and be integrated into his. 
  • to maintain a close and lifelong relationship with K
  • to maintain a close relationship with my kids
  • to be part of a circle of close gay friends who can support me and who I can support. 

I have accomplished some of these things.  Now, let's take a tour of the blogs I follow and see how these guys are progressing.

Michael ( has a partner in the way I dream about.  They have merged their lives and are truly together.  While I wish that for myself, he has other problems.  His divorce was hostile and only one of his adult children has a good relationship with him despite his best efforts. 

Joe ( is out to everyone with little or no negative impacts. He has some close and supportive friends. He is close to his daughters and has at least a neutral relationship with his ex-wife.  (He does not talk much about that.) Sounds perfect, yet Joe struggles to find a love interest.  

Chris ( has a great relationship with his teen-aged sons and his ex-wife. He has a hot boyfriend half his age and they adore each other, but they live hundreds of miles apart. He is also looking for gay friends.  While he is at ease going into gay social situations, he is disappointed not found meaningful friendships there.  He is also afraid to come out to his parents.

Rob ( is divorced with custody of his teen-aged children.  He has a good relationship with the children (not sure about his ex-wife), but he is not out to them.  He occasionally dates men, but has not found Mr. Right yet.

All of these men have walked some portion of the path that I and a lot of other men are on.  We have all had more success in some areas and less in others.   There are lessons in each of their stories for each of the men that walk our path.  Even though some of them have some of what I want, I do not envy any of them.

So now, back to me...

If the man I was 2 years ago was looking at the man I am today, would I be envious?  Maybe. But like these guys, I don't have it all.

I don't really have freedom. I get out about once a week but I am still bound by the duties of parenthood. (Not that I would get out of them even if I could).  While K and I have effectively ended our marriage, we still function as a couple in many ways. in fact, I wrote much of this posting in the back of the church where she works, helping with the Christmas play.  I didn't really want to be there, but I was told I needed to me so I went. (Is that freedom or pussy-whipped?)

While I have the man I love and am loved, my boyfriend may never be able to live with me and be a partner in the way I dream about.  I am not out to my kids and am scared to come out. I am not out to any of my straight friends. Some of whom I have known since elementary school.

I do have blessing that I am grateful for but my life is not perfect....yet.

Why I Write

When I started writing this blog I put a site meter on it so I could have an idea of how many people visit. These days I get between 250 and 350 hits a week. About 50 of those hits are me. Probably another 50 are T, my mom and sister. The rest are others who take some interest in my story.

There are a few who regularly comment on my posts. I won't lie, I really enjoy that. Every once in a while I will get a personal email. Once or twice they have criticized me in unkind or unproductive ways. Generally, however, e-mailers tell me that my story has in some way inspired them. Some have been inspired to start their own blogs. Others are impressed in with way K and I have resolved to end our marriage, yet retain our friendship.

With only a few exceptions, I exchange a couple of e-mails and then the communication stops. But there are a few special and rare cases where I get to have a prolonged dialog with someone who "gets" me. Someone who I "get" too. We can relate to each others situation and strangers become friends. While I did not set out to create these types of friendships, I am grateful when they happen.

I am happy some people read my story, but it's not why I write. It started as a way to workout my conflicting emotions as I came to terms with being gay. There is still much of that journey ahead of me. There are lots of loose ends in my head. As I come across these ends I try to tie them up (with varying degrees of success). I have found it is the writing that helps me know what kind of knot to tie. Putting the words down on "paper" helps me gain perspective. Sometimes things that seemed like a big deal at first, don't seem as important when I try to explain them here. Or the opposite it true.

It is the one place I can really be me and say exactly what is on my mind. I don't care if others approve of what I have to say or not. It is just for me anyway.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

How Did I Not Know?

Starting in 2000, I started carrying around Palm Pilot like this one.  This is actually Sony's version called Clie.  I had one of these for a long time.

I carried it with me all the time for several reasons.  

  • I used it to track my calendar, work and personal
  • I used it to store information on almost anything
  • I used as a journal
It is the journaling part that I used the most.  I wrote in my journal most every day from 2000 through late 2008.  

Since I have been using smart phones, I have largely abandoned the Clie in favor of my ever-present Blackberry.  I have, however, kept the Clie.   Recently I was able to export these journals from the device and one my computer.   

Now I have been going back and reading them.  Most of them are about day to day activities.  But some, are a window into my thoughts.  A window into my emotions.  As I was reading this afternoon, I came across one that I wrote back in 2000.  As I read it, I wondered how the hell I did not know I was gay.

I am going to post this just how I wrote it at the time.  It is more graphic that things I usually write here, but when I wrote it, it was never intended to be shared.  I am going to share it here because it was one of the clues that my situation was not right for me.  That, I was in the wrong place.  That I was being dishonest with myself.

09/05/00 Tuesady:
* Back at work from the holiday weekend.

* K is hassling me about sex.  She is constantly horny.  Well I am too, just not for her.  Its not that I love her any less than I ever have, in fact just the opposite  is true.  I love her more now than I ever have.  Its not that sex with her isn't fun, it is.  In fact, lately it has been very good.

* I have tear jerking orgasms by myself while looking at Internet porn.  Both gay and straight.  However my fantasies are predominantly gay.

-Last night I had the most realistic dream.  It included ________ (whom I haven't seen in 10 years).  He sucked my dick a little.  The dream ended with my sucking him for what seemed like forever.  It was so hot and real, I am writing this at work, with a raging hard on.  I could taste his cock in my mouth, feel the heat and hardness & taste the skin. And that unforgeable smell.  Oh my GOD!!  I remember looking up and seeing the ecstasy in his face.  I could taste pre-cum.  I woke up before "he" came.  Too bad.

This was not the first time I've had dreams like that.  Most of my dreams that involve sex are with other men.  They happen about once a week that I can remember.

* I don't know what to do.  I can't talk to Karen about it.  I don't think she would be receptive right now.

- She is convinced I don't want her.  This must be very uncomfortable for her.

* I was horny when I came home last night.  We had some nice kissing.  Then we all went for a walk on the old rail bed tracks.  It was a great workout especial pulling the kids in the wagon.

* After an uneventful evening, we had OK sex.  After which I packed a bag for the gym and spent the next hour and a half surfing the Net for porn and masturbating.


So this is how I felt 10 years ago.  I was 32 at that time.  I am 42 now and finally I am being honest about who I am.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

I Looked At One For You...

The town I live in used to be a little southern town.  It is much larger now, but it still has a very cool Main Street area that feels very small town-ish.  It has an old family run hardware store, a couple of restaurants, a jewelry store, a tattoo parlor, and two barber shops.  

Every Friday in December they have events on Main Street.  There are horse drawn wagon rides, free popcorn & cotton candy and the school kids sign Christmas carols.   Last night My youngest son's 3rd grade class was singing on the sidewalk in front of the Citizen's Center.  As the music teacher was getting all the kids together, I noticed that there are apartments over some of the shops.

"I wonder what it would be like to live there?" I asked K only half way out loud.

She looked over and said, "I looked at one for you in that building over there." pointing to a window with a light on.


"I was really mad." she said when she saw the surprise in my face.

Apparently in the early days of my coming out, when I had broken the rules and fallen in love with T, she was pretty pissed off and she was looking of a place for me to live.  Her plan was that one day I would come home from work and she hand me the key and tell me to get my crap out of the house.

Fortunately for both of us she did not stay that angry for long.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Do You Really Like Him???

K told me a story last night about and conversation she had while on her cruise with AJ.

This cruise is the first real vacation that either her or I have had without kids in a very long time. Something like 13 years.  Yes, we have each has brief get-aways but not a week long vacation.   So she was telling AJ about our last vacation.

It was in 1997, before kids. K and I took a trip to Las Vegas we flew from Boston to Las Vegas on a red eye leaving around 10PM.  We arrived at about 3am Vegas time which was about 6am for us. On top of that to save my vacation time I had worked the day so we were pretty tired.  But we were also hungry.  All the restaurants in the hotel were closed at that hour, so where do weary travelers go to eat at 3am.  

Denny's, of course.

Anyway she went on to tell him about the highlights of that trip.  Like:

  • After eating at Denny's, K put $20 into a quarter slot machine and won $250.  That paid for the shows we went to.
  • Our vacation package included a trip to Wet & Wild water park.  I was too stupid to wear sun screen (it was August) and I get a really bad sun burn.  We had 2 more days on our trip and I was in a LOT of pain
  • On the flight home (another red eye), K ended up sitting in the middle seat.  She had me and my sunburn that was starting to blister on one side and a mentally challenged man on that other who was drooling on himself.  She was not a happy camper for the 4 hour flight.
Anyway after telling these stories to AJ she was laughing uncontrollably.   Many of the laughs included things I did that were less than smart, like not wearing sun screen in the desert in August.

The way she tells the story, he abruptly stopped laughing.  The K did too.  "After all you have been through with him, do you really still like him?" he asked her, straight-faced.

K has been very up front with him about our relationship.  She has told him how we are best friends and will remain that way, so I think the question took her off guard.  "Of course."   To make a long story short, she assured him that despite all the pain and aggravation that came with me coming to terms with myself, there was still a connection for us.  There was still love and all the good times we had are together still count for something.  Apparently AJ is OK with that, it's just that our situation is so unusual, so outside his experience.  K and I both get that.  Most of her friend think she is crazy for continuing to live here with me.

But it works for us.  

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I Hate Sleeping Alone

For 190 nights I have been sleeping alone, except for 2 nights T and I spent together over Labor Day.  While I generally sleep well, I hate it.

  • I hate having the covers all the myself.
  • I hate not hearing my partner snore next to me.
  • I hate not waking up when my partner gets up to go to the bathroom at night.

I mean it!! 

  • I also like drifting off in the arms of my love.
  • I like talking about my day, politics or whatever while I unwind for the evening
  • Hearing the deep, rhythmic breathing of my partner when I wake up in the middle of the night is comforting.
I was kind of getting used to it, accepting that this was how it was going to be for me for a long while.  When K got back from her cruise, she was complaining about sleeping alone.  Apparently for the 9 days she was gone she slept with AJ, in spite of the fact she was sharing a cabin with his daughter.  She has been sleeping alone for as long as I have and it is clear that she hates it as much as I do.

Given my current situation, it seems I will just have to get used to it.  It will be a long time before I will have a partner in my bed on a regular basis.

Sunday, November 28, 2010


I can hear the waves breaking a couple of yards from my toes.  I can feel the sea breeze passing over my naked body.  Since there were no other people on our small island, there was no need for clothing.  As I doze I am vaguely aware of the calling of a passing gull.  I can feel your breath on my neck.  It is heavy, rhythmic, almost snoring.  I can tell he has drifted off to sleep.

Half an hour ago we were in the water on our deserted beach.  Either waist deep or chest deep in the sea depending the waves.  Playing and splashing. Body surfing on the waves.  Stopping every so often to embrace and kiss tenderly.  Eventually, making love in the surf.

Now , exhausted, we were resting in each others arms. 


Not long ago I would have thought this was only a fantasy.  Now I am seeing the possibility more clearly.  T has decided to hire two people in his office to help out.  He thinks once they get up to speed, he will be able to take a vacation.  I know we will do something together.  I don't know if we will go to the beach, but I know where ever we are it will be special.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

End of A Long Good Week

I am coming to the end of a long but good week.  I said good buy to my parents this morning as they headed back north. K will be home late tomorrow night and things will start returning to normal.  

After a week without her, I am having a new respect for single parents.  Not that I was all by  myself, my mom helped out a lot, but I think I got a taste of when single parents deal with.  It confirms the decision for K and I to still remain in the house for the kids, even as we move on with other relationships.

Tonight I was able to see T.  He came to my house.  I was not able to get a sitter so the kids were all here.  I made a home made New England style clam chowder for him (and myself) in addition to a turkey soup I made the night before (with my mothers help).  After dinner he offered to take the kids out for ice cream.  It was really nice of him.

I had planned ahead and rented 2 movies.  One for the older kids and another for the younger ones.  The older kids watched in their room and the younger ones in K's room (Well, someone one ought to be hanging out on that bed while she is gone.).  With the kids distracted up stairs, T and I got to snuggle on the couch downstairs and watch a little TV just us.  He rested his head on my shoulder and I just melted into him.  

It was a quiet evening but a really nice one.  What a great way to top off my vacations week.

Tomorrow I need to get ready to go back to work (I brought some homework), get the kids ready for school and get the house ready for K's return.  We did not make much of a mess so that last thing should not take too long.

I have been so busy for the past week, I think I need a vacation from my vacation.

I'd settle for a nap.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Still Thankful

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.  I had a pretty good one but it was different than usual.

This is the first Thanksgiving in almost 20 years that I have eaten turkey without K.  She is on her cruise with AJ (and others).  She has called a couple of time when the ship is in port to talk to me and the kids.  She seems to be having a good time expect that AJ's daughter is getting on her nerves like a 15 year old girl will do.

When she called yesterday (on Thanksgiving) I talked to her after we passed the phone around to all the kids.  I was clear she was crying.  From her perspective she was all alone on the holiday.  AJ had his daughter.  The other couple she is traveling with had their children with them.  Her family was home and she was 2000 miles away (in Panama actually)

I did not cry, but I do miss her.

Back in my house having my mother here really saved my bacon, or more accurately, my turkey. I am sure that if I was to be doing the cooking myself it would suck pretty bad.  I also got a visit from my mom's brother and his wife.  I like this aunt & uncle.  I have not seen them in many years.  In fact I think the last time I saw them, my daughter was not born yet.

With all the people at the table I had a house full of love and family.  I was grateful for that.  Especially since many gay men are estranged from their families.  But there was one other notable absence that only I noticed...

T was not there.  Not that I was expecting him, I knew couldn't come, but for me there was a empty place at my table.  It's not like I was sad about it.  I mean I was happy to have my family with me and I was happy to have T's love.  I just wished he was with me, or I was with him.

For all my moaning and groaning, I am pretty happy and I know that I am blessed.  I try not to lose sight of the blessings I have, as I work to achieve the life that I want.