Saturday, December 11, 2010

Envy and Freedom

I don't usually comment on comments, but I feel compelled today. After I posted yesterday, I got a comment from another blogger that said he was "envious" of my life and "freedom".  Should anyone feel that way about me?  

Let's get back to that later. 

Envy is as unproductive as regret.  It is a trap built into human emotions we have to fight against.

As I look around the blogosphere there are a lot of guys who are in various places on the same path I am walking. Many of them have pieces of things I want, but none have all of it.     

Ultimately I want:

  • to live as an openly gay man
  • to find a man who truly loves me and who I can love in return
  • to share my life with the man I love, to live together as a family and, grow old together. 
  • to fully integrate my partner into my family and be integrated into his. 
  • to maintain a close and lifelong relationship with K
  • to maintain a close relationship with my kids
  • to be part of a circle of close gay friends who can support me and who I can support. 

I have accomplished some of these things.  Now, let's take a tour of the blogs I follow and see how these guys are progressing.

Michael ( has a partner in the way I dream about.  They have merged their lives and are truly together.  While I wish that for myself, he has other problems.  His divorce was hostile and only one of his adult children has a good relationship with him despite his best efforts. 

Joe ( is out to everyone with little or no negative impacts. He has some close and supportive friends. He is close to his daughters and has at least a neutral relationship with his ex-wife.  (He does not talk much about that.) Sounds perfect, yet Joe struggles to find a love interest.  

Chris ( has a great relationship with his teen-aged sons and his ex-wife. He has a hot boyfriend half his age and they adore each other, but they live hundreds of miles apart. He is also looking for gay friends.  While he is at ease going into gay social situations, he is disappointed not found meaningful friendships there.  He is also afraid to come out to his parents.

Rob ( is divorced with custody of his teen-aged children.  He has a good relationship with the children (not sure about his ex-wife), but he is not out to them.  He occasionally dates men, but has not found Mr. Right yet.

All of these men have walked some portion of the path that I and a lot of other men are on.  We have all had more success in some areas and less in others.   There are lessons in each of their stories for each of the men that walk our path.  Even though some of them have some of what I want, I do not envy any of them.

So now, back to me...

If the man I was 2 years ago was looking at the man I am today, would I be envious?  Maybe. But like these guys, I don't have it all.

I don't really have freedom. I get out about once a week but I am still bound by the duties of parenthood. (Not that I would get out of them even if I could).  While K and I have effectively ended our marriage, we still function as a couple in many ways. in fact, I wrote much of this posting in the back of the church where she works, helping with the Christmas play.  I didn't really want to be there, but I was told I needed to me so I went. (Is that freedom or pussy-whipped?)

While I have the man I love and am loved, my boyfriend may never be able to live with me and be a partner in the way I dream about.  I am not out to my kids and am scared to come out. I am not out to any of my straight friends. Some of whom I have known since elementary school.

I do have blessing that I am grateful for but my life is not perfect....yet.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Your life is perfect TODAY. Enjoy it. :)))