Friday, December 17, 2010

The Right Place At the Right Time

K finished her last exam on Tuesday.  So I took her out to lunch to celebrate.  With all the hectic-ness that goes on in the house in the evening (i.e. when the kids are home) it was nice for us have a little quiet time to talk.  

One of the things we talked about is AJ's continued amazement at the relationship between K and I. Some people here have told me the same thing.  There are a couple of things she told him.  One is the nature of our relationship and how that is strange compared to other divorced couples.

How is it we can continue to be best friends?  In fact, I have noticed in the past 3 or 4 months we are closer than we have been in a very long time.  I also think we are both happier than we have been in a long time.  While AJ accepts it, he does not really understand it.  K tries to explain.

In the best circumstances, a divorced couple with kids might look like this.  Most of the time, divorced parents have separate circles that intersect the kids but rarely intersect each other.

What K and I have is more like this:

K and I are still separate but there is (and will continue to be) and intersection of our lives that while it includes the kids, is independent of the kids.   That is difficult for AJ and  to understand, even thought he accepts it.

Why do we continue this way?  It is so unusual, why?  

She reasoned there are several reasons.  The funny thing is these reasons did not really become clear until recently, nearly 20 years after the fact.  

  1. I met K after some really bad shit happened to her. (I am not to get into any details here)  Because of it she was shaken to the very core of her being.  I was a safe harbor.  I accepted the all the baggage of her life and I promised to take care of her.  I let her open up to me on her terms, at her pace.  All the while supportive.
  2. I met K after a failed relationship (with a woman) hurt me deeply.  In hindsight, I thank God, every day that relationship failed because I know she would not be supportive of me now.  Also I was groping my way around heterosexual relationships.  Even though at this point in my life I was refusing to be gay (and I was not "bi" yet) I was not comfortable with disconnect between the feelings I thought I was supposed to have the the ones I was really feeling.  But she accepted me (even after i told her I have been sexual with other boys) and I was sure I loved her so we decided to start a life together.
  3. Even though we did not know it at the time, we were both in the right place at the right time for each other.  
Here is another thing.   For a most of the time we have been married, K's sex drive have been much lower than that I think the average married woman her age should be.  I thought this even before we had kids.  We have not been sexually intimate in almost 2 years and before that we were basically on a quarterly plan.  In fact more that once, she told me, "If I never have sex again, that would be just fine with me."

While I am horny all the time, I was usually not really that interested in sex with her.  I mean we did it from time to time and it was fun, but I was not really into it.  Many times I was thinking about someone else.  I suspect that part of her lack of sex drive was I was just not very good in bed. (That is not something you hear guys admit to very often)  

Today, if she goes more than a couple of days without some special alone time with him, she starts climbing the walls.  She craves it and we even talk about how he "curls her toes".  Now we do not discuss the details of our sex lives with each other, but I know some things about her and AJ.  I know that he is quite a bit smaller than me, but he more than makes up for in in enthusiasm.  Why?  Well because he is straight and being with a naked woman really turns him on. There are certain activities that I used to do just because I knew she liked it.  I didn't want to, but it did.  It was a chore.  I'm sure she could tell.  She probably thought I was a selfish lover.  What a relief to find out I am only gay.

So now that she has a man who delights in doing the things I thought were chores, is it any wonder that her sex drive in suddenly through the roof??

It was painful to get to the place.  There was a lot of turmoil.  A lot of swirl.  Was it worth it?  There is only one answer of course.  Absolutely it was.  No question about it.  Not only for me though, but for her too.

You see, I thought the swirl, the anger, the hurt, the pain and all the other bad stuff associated with my coming out started in April of 2008 when she overheard me telling T that I love him.  But that was not really true.  We had been in a slow burn for YEARS before that.  We were not miserable, but we were not a happy together as we wanted to be.  Not as happy together as we are today.  And not as happy INDIVIDUALLY as we are today.  Even thought she did not realize why at the time, she was unhappy being married to a gay guy.  

Now that we know the cause of the unhappiness and are dealing with it, life is so much better for both of us.  

1 comment:

Java said...

You and K seem to be doing this inter-related relationship thing very well. You sound a lot more at peace about everything than you did when I first read your blog. Congratulations.