I have a dilemma. It's not a big one, but I have been thinking about it for the past couple of days.
K is hosting a New Year's Eve party at our house on Friday. This is the first time in a long time that we have done that. Come to think of it, I am not sure we have ever done that. Well, anyway, this is not my party so there is really no "we" in the party.
Anyway, she will invite AJ, his daughter, another couple she is friends with and their kids (who probably won't come). Of course, my kids will there and they might invite a kid from down the street who my older boys play with. Sounds like a party right?
K had also invited T. I really want him to come. He thinks he will be able to, but is not sure yet. That is not my dilemma. Let's assume for a moment that he will come. I think he will mesh easily with the other people. He is charming and more outgoing than me (or at least better a faking it). I also think that the people attending will be accepting of him and his relationship with me, so there are no problems there.
So what is my dilemma?
Traditionally, at the stroke of midnight, a person kisses the person they love as a way to start off the new year. I expect K and AJ will share a kiss. I expect the other couple will kiss as well. What about T and I? I know that T is not a fan of PDA, in general. I get that, but this is a special occasion and everyone else will be doing it so a kiss is not out of place. Besides we are not talking about a make out fest here. Just a kiss to ring in the new year.
The other problem is, I am not out to my kids. I am not out to AJ's daughter (because she would tell my kids). So seeing me and T smooching in the new year might be unsettling to them. On the other hand it is a reminder to me that I am different. It also feels like it reinforces that there is something wrong with the relationship we have. I can live with that when we are out in public, but in my own house? There just seems to be something wrong with that.
So what do I do? I don't think rushing to come out the the kids before Friday is a good idea. Even if I did, it may be best to ease them into that, rather than having them see me kissing another man the next day. I really want to do things with T that other people do in their relationships, or more accurately, that I used to do when I was "normal". I guess I just do not want anyone, including me, to treat my gay relationship like it is some how lesser than the others.
I guess I will play it by ear. If the kids are around at midnight, then I will do the unselfish thing and not kiss him. Next year when the kids know the real me, it will probably be OK.
If, on the other hand, the kids are not there, (in another room, for example) I think I will kiss him. That will get my 2011 off to a good start.
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