Tuesday, December 14, 2010

When Did I Become A Pussy?



Last month I wrote about a local gay event called "Take the Lake" that I had planed to go to but instead did not.  I chickened out.


Today there was another of these events.  This time I went... sort of.


After I changed into the extra clothed I brought with me.  Then I drove to the bar/restaurant where the even was being held.  There were not a lot of cars there.  I sat in my car for a while thinking about going in.   I cannot explain why I am so nervous about going into this event.  I know it is irrational, but I just am.  (When did I become a pussy?)


After sitting in my car in the parking lot (in the freezing cold) I finally decided I would go in.  I figured it was a restaurant after all and I never had problems eating alone before.  I would go in, scope the place out and then I could decide what to do.  So I went in.  I told the hostess I was there alone and she walked me to a table.  I followed her, but I was not looking at her.  I was looking into the bar area hoping to find someone I knew since lots of people from my office I know to be gay sometimes come to this thing.   I did not see anyone.


After I was seated I pretended to study the menu.  What was I going to do next?  I really did not want to eat there, and I did not want to hang out at the bar alone.  The waiter came and I told him I needed another minute.  Then I did what any one would do.  I snuck out and drove away.


I was very disappointed in myself.  I had resolved to do this and I just couldn't.  I drove to a nearby mall and walked a could of lap to try to clear my head and think a little.  What is wrong with me?  I should be able to go into a place like that on my own and feel confidant.  I just don't.


A couple of years ago, when T and I were having one of our breakups (back when I was still crazy) he went to a lake party similar to this, but bigger.  He went alone and by the time the event was over he had met several people, bumped into an old boyfriend, and gotten several phone numbers to call back.  There is no way I would have the courage to engage new people in that way.  It's just outside my personality.  


If I am to achieve my goal of having a circle of gay friends (or any friends) I have to get over my fear of meeting new people.  I suppose that comes from years of hiding my true self, but now that I no longer have to do that, it should get easier, right?

5 comments:

fan of casey said...

Meow!

Biki said...

It is the hardest thing for many of us to meet new people. We have been so conflicted about who we are, we spend so much time feeling like a freak show that at least for me, it rather freezes me socially.

Don't beat yourself up so hard! Oh yeah, you cant judge your sociableness by someone else's, yeah? If going to something like this alone is to much for you, then find someone to go with.

Go slow, don't worry so much about how you don't measure up, look up not down and head out into your future.

Brent said...

I know exactly how you feel. Been there done that over and over.

T said...

Back in the days when Jim repeatedly dumped me, I told myself I was worth being appreciated. What Jim didn't know was I was very shy when I went to that lake party. I kept to myself most of the time. But I was open to conversation, and I was myself. I didn't care if anyone paid attention to me. I guess when you are yourself and not over-try it, people will notice, and those who like the way you are for who you are will gravitate toward you. A lot of people made friends with me that day. But I still loved Jim and wanted to punish him if he ever begged me to come back...LOL...just kidding. Jim is the mean one.

TwoLives said...

I can 100% relate to what you experienced. I'm there with you brother!

You can look at what happened as a failure, but it really wasn't. It's easy to expect yourself to just 'jump in' but some of us do better with gradual transitions. And that's what you're doing. Last time, you didn't go. This time you could have never gone in, but no, you persisted. If there had been a large group in the bar, or someone you knew and liked, maybe you would have gone over. The vibe just wasn't welcoming enough. So you did the most logical thing, and left.

Next time you'll do better. It's a gradual process...don't beat yourself up about it.