Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas and Looking Back

As the rovers on Mars drive around the planet, NASA scientists often turn the cameras rearward to take a look at where the rover has been.  It's important to know where you have been so you don't lose sight of where you are going... or how much progress you have made (or lack of progress).

I wondered what I wrote last Christmas.  It turned out it was nothing.    I did not write anything on December 25, 2009.  I did write on either side of Christmas.  Looking back I can see one year ago was a turning point for me.

It was the time that I realized that I could not go back in the closet no matter how much I wanted to.  I realized that I was never going to feel at home pretending to be straight and trying to blend in with other straight people.  I realized that not only was I not going to be happy saying married to K, that she was not going to be happy either.   I knew I had deep and strong feelings for T.  Feelings I interpreted as love, but looking back, I didn't really know what I was feeling about anything.  All in all, an awful 2009, was converting itself into 2010 and the outlook was not really any better.

I did not realize it at the time, but once that corner was turned, things started to fall into place.

Today I whine that I do not have enough friends I can call my own, gay or straight.  I really want a live in partner and  I complain that T may not be able to do that for me.  I bitch about how much I dislike sleeping alone.

I need to take a look in the mirror more often.  

I need to take stock in, not only the things I did not lose, but the things I have gained.

Merry Christmas!

1 comment:

Biki said...

Whoa! That is the deepest thing I have read on blogger in a very long time. Thank you, i need to do the same and turn around and see how far I've traveled since my "birthday".