Tuesday, December 7, 2010

How Did I Not Know?

Starting in 2000, I started carrying around Palm Pilot like this one.  This is actually Sony's version called Clie.  I had one of these for a long time.

I carried it with me all the time for several reasons.  

  • I used it to track my calendar, work and personal
  • I used it to store information on almost anything
  • I used as a journal
It is the journaling part that I used the most.  I wrote in my journal most every day from 2000 through late 2008.  

Since I have been using smart phones, I have largely abandoned the Clie in favor of my ever-present Blackberry.  I have, however, kept the Clie.   Recently I was able to export these journals from the device and one my computer.   

Now I have been going back and reading them.  Most of them are about day to day activities.  But some, are a window into my thoughts.  A window into my emotions.  As I was reading this afternoon, I came across one that I wrote back in 2000.  As I read it, I wondered how the hell I did not know I was gay.

I am going to post this just how I wrote it at the time.  It is more graphic that things I usually write here, but when I wrote it, it was never intended to be shared.  I am going to share it here because it was one of the clues that my situation was not right for me.  That, I was in the wrong place.  That I was being dishonest with myself.

09/05/00 Tuesady:
* Back at work from the holiday weekend.

* K is hassling me about sex.  She is constantly horny.  Well I am too, just not for her.  Its not that I love her any less than I ever have, in fact just the opposite  is true.  I love her more now than I ever have.  Its not that sex with her isn't fun, it is.  In fact, lately it has been very good.

* I have tear jerking orgasms by myself while looking at Internet porn.  Both gay and straight.  However my fantasies are predominantly gay.

-Last night I had the most realistic dream.  It included ________ (whom I haven't seen in 10 years).  He sucked my dick a little.  The dream ended with my sucking him for what seemed like forever.  It was so hot and real, I am writing this at work, with a raging hard on.  I could taste his cock in my mouth, feel the heat and hardness & taste the skin. And that unforgeable smell.  Oh my GOD!!  I remember looking up and seeing the ecstasy in his face.  I could taste pre-cum.  I woke up before "he" came.  Too bad.

This was not the first time I've had dreams like that.  Most of my dreams that involve sex are with other men.  They happen about once a week that I can remember.

* I don't know what to do.  I can't talk to Karen about it.  I don't think she would be receptive right now.

- She is convinced I don't want her.  This must be very uncomfortable for her.

* I was horny when I came home last night.  We had some nice kissing.  Then we all went for a walk on the old rail bed tracks.  It was a great workout especial pulling the kids in the wagon.

* After an uneventful evening, we had OK sex.  After which I packed a bag for the gym and spent the next hour and a half surfing the Net for porn and masturbating.


So this is how I felt 10 years ago.  I was 32 at that time.  I am 42 now and finally I am being honest about who I am.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

First time commenter....long time reader.....having read todays posting & seeing the similarities in our journey (I'm 43 years & remember these thoughts too from 10 years ago)....we have to be honest with ourselves that we've truely been on a lonely journey to get to this point in life (I'm also out to my wife/family & some friends & working the details of a peaceful divorce out) The sense of peace & freedom that I now experience is very much born from the long & lonely journey each of us has traveled to this point....I'm much better prepared at this age than 10 years ago to deal with all that life will now try and challenge me with & we've got a huge advantage now....the inner peace we've received from "coming-out" & doing the best way we could figure out......good luck & take care.....Nick