Saturday, April 21, 2012

Why Didn't I Trust Him?

Last night I showed up at Steve's house around 11:00. He was waiting for me, coming out to meet me in the driveway. I was greeted with a warm hug and escorted to the house. I said hello to his wife and kids, who were still up.

After a quick tour of the house, we grabbed a beer and a cigar and headed to his front porch.  We talked about everything. I had not seen him in over 5  years and we reconnected as if we had never been apart.  Our conversation was wide ranging and eventuality it was time for me to tell him my big gay secret.

"Steve, I don't know if you know already or now, but I've come out of the closet."

" Yeah, I heard". (The wife of my other friend who I had come out to a few months ago told him.)

"Oh.  Okay." I said.

"Yeah.  I have to say I wasn't all that surprised. The signs were there for a long time. "

He must have remembered that time in college when we were both drunk and I offered to go down on him.  At the time, he politely declined and never mentioned the incident again.

"You are who you are and if people don't like you for it then who needs them anyway"  Since he already knew I am gay and still invited me down, I took that to mean he still liked me.

We stayed up until 1:30am before finally going to bed.

This morning I got up around 8.  Steve and his wife were already up. We sat at his kitchen table and talked until noon.  In fact, we talked all day.  At some point I realized that Steve and I have known each other for almost 35 years.   That's a really long time.  It also made me angry at myself.  Why did I wait so long?  Why didn't I trust that Steve would accept me for the who I am?  I wasted a ton of time.

We all hung out and talked tonight until about 11, when we all just got too tired.  I had a great day.It was nice to finally be myself with my old friend.  I was able to freely talk about my partner.  I showed him T's picture.  I told him about T's family, his gardens, and how much we love each other.  The only think that would have made it better would have been if T was there too.

I thought about T a lot today.  I did not get a chance to call him tonight.  I think that bothered him, and I feel badly about it.

Tomorrow morning I'm heading back home.  Hopefully I will get to call him from the car.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Another Coming Out?

Today, after work, I am going to Atlanta to visit my oldest friend.  I don't mean he is old, he's actually a year younger than I am, but I have known him and bed his friends sense second grade.  He is my oldest friend.

After high school, my friend, let's call him Steve, joined the Navy.  I went to college.  His Navy career took him all over and for long periods of time, I lost touch with him.  A few years ago I found out he was living in Atlanta with his wife and kids.  We got together at his house when he retired from the Navy (yes, retired which means we are both old).

So about a month ago, we picked a date and I am going to travel to his house and visit him for the weekend.  Now, here we are.  

I have 2 objectives really.  The first is to either tell him I am gay or confirm to him that I am gay.  He might already know.  If he looked up my dad's obit, then he already knows and I just need to talk to him about it.  Make sure he is OK and see if he has any questions.  I'd also like to tell him about T, if he's up to it.

Even though I has every expectation his reaction will be positive, I am still nervous.  

My second objective of the trip is to re-connect with my old friend.  We were really close at kids and I really have missed him over the years.  I plan to drink some beers, smoke some cigars and have a good weekend.  

I'll let you know how it goes.  

Getting back to Normal

It has been a long time since I have posted anything.  There is a lot going on, but things are starting to return to normal.  Well, normal for me anyway.

Last weekend I took my kids to my dad's funeral.  It was too far to drive so we flew most of the way.  Me and 4 kids. K did not come, she had too many other things to do. (which was fine with me)  You always here traveling with kids is night mare, but not with my kids.  It could have been bad, but my kids are so awesome, we traveled with no problems.  We had a good trip and we gave me dad the send off that he deserved and that my mom envisioned.  We will miss him all the time, but it is time to get back to normal.

I work is very busy too.  We have a major product roll out coming fast.  I have a lot to do to get ready for that, but I am waiting on others to finish their work before I can do my work.

But some things have happened that I really wanted to talk about.


To get from my mother's house to the town where we buried my dad required a 5 hour ride in the car.  As we drove, mom and I talked about a lot of things.  One of the thing I told I was happy about is that my dad got to know who I really am before he died.  He knew I am gay.  He knew T and he accepted both of us.

Then my mom told me that my dad was happy about my current relationships.  He was happy that I was with T and that we clearly love each other.  

That made me happy.

I got even happier on Tuesday night.  I went to visit T and while we were laying on his bed watching TV, and he handed me a card.  It was a Thank-You card that my mother sent to T. I ready what she wrote and it was very sweet.   I am not going to say what she wrote here, but it made me want to cry.


After I saw T, and I was heading home I stopped at the 24-hour Wal-mart to pick up a couple of things.  As I wondered the store, I saw these 2 guys shopping together.  One white and one black.  The white guy seemed normal enough, but the black was GGAAYY!!  I watched them for a while and even discreetly followed them to another aisle.

It was cute to watch them.  It was clear they were in love and just liked being together.  I was not really thinking about them.  I was thinking about T and me.

I wish it was us doing things together, even things as mundane as grocery shopping.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

I Can't Speak For You, But I'm at Peace with God

There are these people who live across the street from me.  I call them the Pewterschmidt's.  (Named after Peter's rich, stuck up in-laws on "Family Guy").

The Pewterschmidt family is a married couple with 2 children.  An older girl and younger boy.  They are not rich, but they are stuck up and crazy Christian.  When I say "crazy" I mean they are crazy even when you consider I live in North Carolina not far from where Billy Graham still lives.  They have pulled their kids out of public school.  Judging from the behavior of the kids, they have masculinated (is that a word?) their girl and emasculated the boy.

There is another neighbor up the street, Let's call her Jane.  I don't care much for her either, but her and K talk all the time.  Jane was at K's wedding and she met T, so she knows all about me and there has been no change in her behavior.

Jame has been dealt a shitty hand by life (bad relationships and a severely disabled daughter).  I think, though she milks the system and is full of self-pity. She also has a son (let's call him Pete) that is good friends with my youngest son.  They play together all the time.  Pete also plays with the Pewterschmidt boy.  

One day the Pewterschmidt boy and Pete were playing and Pete suggested they go to his house.  The Pewterschmidt boy said no.  He could not go there because Pete's mother was going to hell.

Pete, who is 8 or 9, ran home crying.  When he explained the story to his mother, Jane walked right down and confronted the Pewterschmidt woman.  Apparently it got heated with the Pewterschmidt telling Jane, among other things, that her happiness was irrelevant, they were on this earth to serve God.

Jane later relayed this story to K who told me.   I wondered out loud what they would say about me.  K said she thinks they already know.  Apparently the Pewterschmidt boy, who sometimes plays with my youngest son, is not allowed even in my yard, much less in my house.

Now this bugs me.  I am pretty sure how these people think about gay people.  I know that they think I'm going to hell.  That I'm immoral, and the like.  I get that.

So, yesterday afternoon, I was cutting my lawn and fuming about this.  And then it hit me.  Like a revelation from God.  I am at peace with who I am.  I am at peace with God about who he made me.  If fact, now I am out and living my life authentically, I am more at peace than I have ever been.

Evangelicals often talk about a "personal relationship with God", but it seems, they expect that "personal" relationship to be the same for everyone.  For me as a gay man, it's not the same as for others.  That's why it's PERSONAL.  It's mine and mine alone. 

So let the Pewterschmidt think what they think.  I am who I am and I am at peace with it.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Hi Everybody!!

I landed in Charlotte and as soon as I had my bags I was on my way.  I was not heading to my house or even K's house.  I was heading to the on place I want "HOME" to be for me.

I was heading to T's house.  

I hand been over 11 hours on planes, across 5 time zones and I was just beat.  I wanted to rest, but there was no way I could do without spending some time in T's embrace. 

I was horny and I knew he would take care of any sexual desires I had.  What I really wanted was for him to hold me.   I wanted to lay in bed with him, in his arms, with his lips positioned for easy and frequent kissing.  I needed that so bad and I got it.  I was in heaven.

This month will be a very difficult one for me.  In the past 2 weeks I have been almost constantly on the road.  For the next or 4 weeks it looks worse.  Some of the travel is for my father's funeral and some of for work.  Either way, my blogging may be spotty.

I have a bunch of things in my head I want to write about, I just never seem to find the time.  So for the next 30 days, bear with me and check back from time to time.