Sunday, November 27, 2011

Where To Find Happiness

T has written some interesting stuff on his blog lately.  If you want to know more about him take a look.  The one he wrote today, I think I need to talk about.  (You can read it here.)

One thing I want to make clear.  T totally made me gay.  I was completely in love with my wife, until T put his homo spell on me and made me fall in love with him.

OK... Well, that may not be really true.  But T really is the reason K and I finally realized what had been wrong with our marriage for a long time.  We realized I am not "bi" but gay.  I realized when I fell in love with him, what "in love" felt like.  At almost 40 years old, I had not really experienced it before.  

I think if I had not met T, K and I would still be living in our house, together with the kids and we would be totally miserable.

I have written about this many times before and you can go back and read it for yourself, but K and I had been having problems for a while and we could not quite figure out what it was.  T provided the light that (eventually) led me out of the closet.


Many years while K and I were together, even the years before I met T, I was lonely a lot of the time.  She was gone a lot for her job on nights and weekends leaving me alone with the kids.  I didn't much like it, but it gave me time to think about things.  It gave me time to realize how lonely I was.  I gave time to dream about what a relationship with a man might be like.  

At that time, I was dreaming about a relationship with a man.  I did not know who this man was.  I did not know what he looked like.  I did not know if there even was such a man.  It was just any man.  The fantasy man.

The funny thing is, I imagined life with this fantasy man was very much like the life I had with K.  It was regular things that regular couple do all the time.  Shop.  Cook.  Yard work.  Sleep. Talk about work. Have sex.  Play with the kids.  In many of my dreams, I simply replaced K with the man and went on with life.

So, do I want a man who will be with me all the time?  Who will be my partner in everything?  Who will be by my side every night when I close my eyes?  

Of course, the answer is yes.  I want that more than anything in the world.

Now the harder questions.  Do I want it with any man?  The answer to that depends on when you ask it.  If you asked me 4 years ago, before I met T, then answer would have been yes.  I would have dated men, hoping to find the one that was right and could be the partner that I want him to be.  If you ask me today, the question is harder and simpler to answer.

When I first met T, I was instantly attracted to him.  (I took this picture of him on our first date.  See how HOT he his?)

He told me about his family situation and it did not bother me at the time because I had no intention of ever leaving my wife for a man.  Remember, at the time I was not gay, but "bi".  When I met T, the best I was hoping for was friends with benefits.  I did not expect to fall in love with him.  Besides, falling in love was strictly against the rules that K and I had established when she let me explore my sexual desires.

But I did fall in love and that was the beginning of the end our marriage.  Today, she is getting ready to marry a straight man who is in love with her the way that she deserves.  I think, in the end, it worked out quite nicely for her.

Me?  I am alone in my house and I hate it.  I do not like being alone.  I do not like sleeping alone.  I do not like grocery shopping for myself.  I do not like watching TV alone.  I do not like cooking for just me.  I do not like having no one to talk to when I get into bed, before I drift off to sleep.

I love being in love with T.

Once I broke up with T to pursue a man who lived far away, but was willing to move to my state and live with me.  He could have been the partner I always dreamed of.  This is all in the blog too, you can read about it as it unfolded (look at April and May of 2010).  What I learned during that trip is that I don't want a man.  Well, I don't want just any man.  I want the man I am in love with.  I want T.

He is the man I want to make my life with.  Am I happy we cannot be together all the time?  No.  Can I live with it for now?  Yes.  I have to.  Sometimes T and I talk about it.  Sometimes it is not very nice either.  But, in the end, we are always united by our love.

It is not easy for me.  It is not easy to be second or third place behind his mother and sister.  I think it is not really fair sometimes.  After all, his sister is an adult who can make her own choices.  If she chooses to stay in the closet and be lonely then, that is her choice.  It should not impact me as I am looking for my happiness.  But my happiness is with T, so it does impact me.

There are sometimes when I think that T could go a little further.  His parents were on a trip a while back.  I was home alone and I invited him to come a stay the night.  He refused because he did not want to leave his sisters alone.  I was furious.  He could not bare leave them alone for one night, but he didn't mind leaving me alone.  What the hell was that?  I mean it was only one night.

What he did do, was invite me to stay with him.  I immediately accepted and I spent the night in his bed, in his house.  That was fine with me.  I did not have to be alone with him, (his sisters were their respective rooms) all I need was to be with him.

The truth is, I understand his commitment to his family.  I don't always agree with it, but I understand it.  He does work hard to get them to accept our relationship.  I wish they would do more to meet him half way and accept our relationship, much like they accept the relationship of his married, straight siblings.

So what do I envision for our relationship.  He has his family and I have my kids.  (No, it is not the same.  His family are all adults.  My kids are small and need their daddy.)  We each have commitments that are important to us.

He has never tried to take me away from my kids and I would never try to take him away from his family.   What I would like is more of a meeting in the middle.  What does that look like?

I don't know, and the truth is, I don't care.  I would accept almost any compromise that leads to T and I sleeping side my side every night.  

I do not have to have T all to myself.  I would love to have him and I live together in our own little house somewhere, just he and I.  I know that will never happen, so what's next best?

I would happily accept an invitation to move in with him in his current house.  I would be happy to live there with his sisters and his parents.  Would it be ideal? Of course not, but I think it would be a good compromise.

At the end of the day, I want to be together with T.  I want us to share a home.  Share a life.  Not over the phone where we tell each other about our day, but where we experience our day together.  I know that deep down T wants this too.

I think his family has moved a long way in accepting me and my relationship with T.  I think they have moved a lot in just the past couple of months.  The question is will they move enough to allow us to be together.  To allow us to be together like his married brothers and sisters.

I don't know the answer to that. 

That scares me.

What I do know is, I do not want to find my happiness with anyone else.  I am in love with T and that is not going to change, regardless of our living arrangements.


Anonymous said...

I don't mean to be critical of T, and I don't know anything about Vietnamese culture, but I don't understand why two grown, able-bodied women can't stay by themselves in their own house for a night, without their brother there. I know a few Laotians, and none of them have that arrangement. If the sisters know of your and T's feelings for each other, it's selfish for them to try to keep him at home.

TwoLives said...

I have nothing but positive thoughts about T. He has been a loyal and loving partner to you through very difficult circumstances. I am, however, concerned about your future together.

Splitting from your family and living alone for the first time in decades is extremely difficult. Add in the fact that you're looking for work and wow! - who wouldn't be completely stressed out and lonely?

Loneliness feeds on itself - your posts reveal that. It's clear that your current living situation is not going to work for you for too much longer. As your partner, T needs to realize that it's not just his responsibility to be supportive and spend as much time with you as he can. Those are (welcome) band-aids but they do not address the fundamental problem. As wonderful as T has been, he needs to do more. He needs to realize that you (and the two of you) will not be happy together until you ARE together. There is an inevitable crisis building where he will have to either make a live-together commitment, or, you will feel forced to find another man who is willing to make that commitment. I fear that T's old habits will be hard to break and he will drag his feet. Maybe that needs to happen in order to motivate him? IDK. I think it would be much better if you could spare yourselves and your relationship the stress of that crisis. T - if you will ever be able commit to living with Jim, please make plans to do so now. If you know that you can't make that commitment within the next year, you need to be clear about that with Jim.

I know you two can work this out, but T, the ball is very much in your court.

cum.lover said...


I'm tending to agree with the advice of Two Lives, specifically "...I know you two can work this out, but T, the ball is very much in your court."

Bill :)

Anonymous said...

Very well spoken, and written. Thank you for being human.

T said...

1. My sisters never demanded or even asked me to take care of them.
2. What do you mean by "old habits" and "dragging my feet"? Two Lives, I don't think you qualify to talk about old habits and feet dragging. If you have time to re-read your blogs, you'll know what I'm talking about. As far as advising Jim to look for someone else that meets Jim's wants, it's old news. I have told Jim way back that I would understand if he looked for someone that can live with him. He deserves that.

3. Jim, I love you very much. I'm not someone who just says things without backing up with actions. I'm trying my hardest to try to get to where we want. I just can't promise something that might or might no happen in the future.

T said...

Also, if you want to pass out advise, check the fact, know what you're talking about.

1. Jim has been clear of my commitment from day one. I'm straight forward. And I respect him as well as any other person I had met before. I tell them up front. I do not hide or have to wait until 1 year from now to be clear about my commitment.

2. To suggest that we have to live together in order for Jim to be happy is not so sound. You need to be happy yourself before you can make your partner happy. Jim needs to find himself, to be content with himself before he's ready to live with anyone.

3. You have a criminal dating your wife who comes in and out of your house, and you can't even deal with it. And, you are now telling Jim to leave me, someone who has nothing but love for him, someone who has gone through the ups and downs with him through his darkest time? You hardly qualify to do that.

4. As far as I am concerned, the balls are in Jim's pants... :)

Uncutplus said...

I believe that T has too much emotionally tied up with his family to ever be a true partner for you, Jim. He seems to be financially tied up in the family home as well in which he takes great pride, as in his gardens. T is torn between having his family & culture, and living life as a gay man with a partner.

I don't believe that Jim living in T's home would ever be an acceptable situation for T and his family. Also, I don't believe that T loves Jim enough to leave that home and set up their own living arrangement together.

Therefore, Jim, unfortunately I think your relationship with T is doomed because of T's rigid decisions. Now is the PERFECT TIME for T to shit or get off the pot!

T said...

Why don't you ask Jim to see if he would move in with me right now if I asked him?

TwoLives said...

T - I don't think Jim should look for someone else. Quite the opposite. You have been extremely supportive of him and he clearly loves you.

Whereas your life and your position on certain issues has been consistent, Jim's life has dramatically changed. Whether it's fair or right or just, your commitment to one another requires that you both be flexible. The points you made aren't wrong but being right can come at a price. Jim is flashing some warning signs. I imagine he can continue the status quo for a few more months and longer if he has a job, but if you don't throw him a bone of genuine hope between now and June, I fear that the loneliness will be too much for him. That's all I'm saying.

I agree that it would be ideal for Jim to be comfortable with himself before living with anyone, but he's not going to suddenly remake himself at age 43. That's a process that takes time. I worry that if you insist on holding out for that process to be completed that could be harmful to your relationship.

I have no illusion that anything anyone says here will cause you or Jim to suddenly alter your thinking or behavior. Ya'll are going to do whatever you want, regardless. But if Jim's posts prompt more dialogue between the two of you, I think that's very healthy. Hopefully just talking about the issues will be reassuring enough to Jim that he can be patient a good while longer.

As I said T, I have nothing but positive things to say about you. I'm confident that the two of you can weather this, I'm just encouraging you to show some flexibility sooner rather than later.

jim said...

I love it when T throws me a "bone". Hee Hee, wink, wink, say no more...

RB said...

There's no compromise possible here? Why couldn't you and T live in the house across the street from his parents? Isn't that close enough?

I was just thinking about me still living with my parents....cannot even visualize it. Three days at Christmas and I'm going crazy. So I respect the closeness of T's family...but just 200 feet of distance isn't possible?