Saturday, September 26, 2009

Happy or content

I have heard that I should not worry about being happy, but shoot for contentment. This is probably good advice, and I probably agree, but it may be why I am still here. While I am not truly able to be myself, I am mostly content where I am. I live my family and K. I mean, if I have a person who is my best friend, and I like being around, isn't that pretty good? What do I think I can find by leaving her and hoping to find a gay guy I can love and who will love me back. There is no guarantee I will find anyone. Hell of a gamble, and I'm not a gambling kind of guy. Maybe being open and honest is overrated and not worth the cost.

Maybe I am content enough where I am.

On the other hand there is K. She is not going to forget that I am gay. She deserved a real (i.e. straight) husband. She deserves to be happy too. She tells me she is not interested in moving on, not interested in finding another man.

Maybe if we just pretend everything is normals and OK, it will be. It worked for the past 16 years. Well, I guess it has not really worked that well has it. If it did, I would not be in this mess would I?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It won't be done until we've tortured ourselves. Advice given to me by a friend in LA who has watched my story unfold. True; however sad. There seems to be an amount of this crap that we need before the staying becomes more painful than the leaving. I wish we were closer, so that we could have coffee, talk.... It's late and I can't remember where you are at... is it NC? Anyway.... if you want to talk email me and I'll send you my cell...
Emerging identity