Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Conflicting Clarity

I have said this before, but it's on my mind, and that's what this blog thingy it for right?

I love K. I love almost everything about her. She is my soulmate and my best friend. I cannot imagine my life without her in it.

I am gay. Though I spent a lot of years in denial, I have always been gay. I cannot change that I am gay. I hoped it would go away. I even pretended I was not gay. Don't they say fake it until you make it. That didn't work either. Sometimes I long for a man's touch and love so much I can almost taste it.

These thing are crystal clear in my mind. But like matter and anti-matter, they cannot exist at the same time. Well it may not be that bad. K and I have not annihilated each other in a violent explosion. Maybe it's more like oil and water. They can exist side by side quite nicely. They can even be mixed up for a short time, but they always separate out into their parts.

I was up at 4 am thinking about this today. My mind was racing and I just could not go back to sleep. K and I talked about a little this morning. She really is great. She told me I was supposed to be longing for her touch. I told her I wanted to, I just didn't. That was hard to say.

Have you ever has a dream about sex? Not a day dream or a fantasy, but a deep sleep dream. I have them once in a while. Maybe once every other month or so. The are very realistic, they are hot and steamy (no, I am not going to describe them). I have had these dreams off and on since I was a teenager. I usually do not recognize the person in the dream but it is always a man. I'm not sure I have ever had a dream of this nature about a women.

I told K about this, this morning. I don't think I had mentioned to her before today. She did not get angry but did say she was "irritated" with me. Irritated for her is just a couple steps below angry. She did say she did not how I could be happy with her with my desires being what they are.


manxxman said...

Oh, you are moving on....and that's a good thing. I still dream occasionally of sex.....and I enjoy the hell out of those dreams.

And when you get into your next relationship.....those night, going to bed with your partner are wonderful......and it's not necessarily about the sex it's about fitting....

Brent said...

I've been there too. The dreams of some hot guy. My thoughts are with you during this very difficult time.